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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 20 years today
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would have been my 20th anniversary today. Not sure how I'm feeling about it. Never would have known then things would have turned out like this back then. Guess I'm sad.

I remember five months prior to all this discovery exWW and I were on our family vacation at a beach resort. They have this beautiful inn at the resort overlooking the dunes and ocean with these huge floor to ceiling glass windows in their waterfront rooms. She said..."On our 20th I want you to take me here and get us one of those views!"

I still just have a hard time still conceiving why she would say such a thing if she was so unhappy like she claimed to have been upon discovery. She was having at least an EA by then, if not already had other affairs I never knew about. I hope she's enjoying her new found freedom, especially at Christmas. But for some reason now I have a feeling it isn't all what she believed it would be.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1465 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sean))) We had a similar sort of place on the Oregon Coast.

I reclaimed it alone in Year 2 and it made me sad to think of all the places he could have taken us but never did because he was too busy.

I got angry on that trip and left a lot of stuff behind. It was healing.

I still pause a little on January 31 and remember the day we got married and wonder where that person went.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17381 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the pain brother. My ex did exact same except it was a trip to Italy on our tenth. All while she was mid affair. At the end when I asked her she said she changed her mind and I should give her the money I would have spent for breast implants because she " needs to be happy " and I don't want to see her happy.

The sick mind of the narcissistic sociopath. Stay strong brother. You are not alone.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 646 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Brandon)))


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25261 | Registered: Aug 2011
SeanFLA
♂ Member
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's seems to be what they all say including mine..."I need to be happy."

What do you even say to that?


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1465 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Vulcanized
♀ Member
Member # 33523
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"On our 20th I want you to take me here and get us one of those views!"

Same w/XH. He was planning a trip back to the country where we got married for our upcoming anniversary. 3 weeks later, I get the ILYNILWY bullshit. The WWard is a crazy breed.

eta: verbs are good.

[This message edited by Vulcanized at 12:13 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]


Me: MH 40s; Him: MH 40s (I had RA)
OW: 30s, moron; one of many
M: 8 yrs
3/13: D'd
-----------------------------------------------------------
Everything is as it should be.

Posts: 745 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Vulcania
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope the day passed quickly for you.

I lost him well before DD but during False R he made such grand plans whilst still in the thick of things with OWUmpteen. I'll never understand the cruelty.

Also during false R that he dedicated a song to me that he had dedicated to OWIndianSheMan a mere 2 months earlier. The song is how he feels about his love addiction, not how he felt about either of us or anyone. It is simply no way to live.

I hit my rock bottom on what would have been the 10th anniversary of our meeting. This year the date barely registered.

I do get weird triggers though - usually old couples holding hands. Gets me almost every time.

It's seems to be what they all say including mine..."I need to be happy."

Ditto. I remember being so angry about it because its not happy, it staying unhealthy and toxic.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5549 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, man. There is no understanding that kind of a thought process. Just keep moving forward.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9636 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But for some reason now I have a feeling it isn't all what she believed it would be.

I have that same feeling Sean.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too got the "I deserve to be happy" speech. Funny how they all deserve to be happy but no body else does. I'll never understand how he felt his happiness was more important than his own children's.

I truly believe that happiness has to start from within and not come from another person. I don't understand how happy you could possibly be being such a colossal asshole.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have 2 anniversaries to deal with that crap .. the first Nov 5th 1990 we had a civil ceremony because he was deploying to Desert Shield and he "wants to make sure you are OK if something happens to me" and then our wedding day, July 6, 1991. So .. July 4th is probably going to be huge trigger .. haven't dealt with that yet. But the Nov 5th anniversary was completely ignored even tho we were in false R. If he was sincere in his attempt to R he should have treated me like the fucking Empress of his Universe that day .. instead ... just another day of him moping around because he was "deeply depressed" .. wtf?

Typical NPD bullshit ... it really is all about them and they are so broken and f*cked up inside that 'happiness' is the euphoria of a new f*ck. Not about you at all .. there is nothing you could do to make her happy ...


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SeanFLA)) I totally get it. We were planning surprise dates for each other in the months leading up to Dday and planning so many wonderful things. It sometimes still seems so surreal that he was living a complete double life during that time. Who does that??? But I'm getting where I need to be - three years in (in two weeks) and it's getting so much better. Not every day - the holidays are hard I must admit - but overall I'm learning indifference gradually.

So grateful for all of you here. Thinking of you Sean.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4508 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep, the Gnat called me from Asia last year on out 8th anniversary to say how much he missed me and that we should take a weekend away when he gets home to celebrate. At that time, he and Hello Kitty had already made themselves "in a relationship" with one another on FB ( he had a secret account under another name). I got the ILYBINILWY speech three weeks later and DDay was about 5 weeks after that.

These waywards really are all the same. As crazy and unimaginable as their behavior appears to be, they all do the same things.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 887 | Registered: Mar 2013
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, Sean. My STBX called me this past Saturday sobbing that it was our eleventh anniversary (she remembered! Sarcastic "sigh") and asking if I still loved her, can we "find a path back," blah blah blah.

Last anniversary--our tenth--she was having her affair in my face.

Our ninth anniversary she was having her affair secretly.

In between the ninth and tenth she told me she--wait for it!--was so unhappy in our marriage and deserved to be happy. (As she stood amid the smoldering ruins of our family.)

For the previous eight anniversaries she told me how happy she is--all because of me, the most wonderful husband in the world.

Uh...something is wrong. Oh yes, it's our spouses.

There won't be a twelfth anniversary.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1613 | Registered: Dec 2012
LoveHerStill
♂ Member
Member # 31504
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These aren't the droids you're looking for, move along, move along.


Me BH-45
Her WW-44
Married-20yrs
Together-26yrs
D-Day 4/11/10
Divorced 9/13/2010
XWW Married OM 5/23/2011

There is hope. Once you truly commit to focusing on yourself and letting go, it comes back, and you will appreciate it like never before.


Posts: 462 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Seattle, WA
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too funny. Star wars


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 646 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sean

What a shame you did not take your GF there and enjoy the view with her and make new memories.

Or taken your son there and created a new memory just for you two there as well.

The key is to send the picture of you there and send it to your Ex with a "Merry Christmas" or "Wishing you were here".

Never stop making new memories Sean.

Especially if they matter to you....

HM


Posts: 849 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
RavenWood
♂ Member
Member # 39847
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXWW was the same way - dreaming of a destination that meant a lot to us that we would go on our milestone anniversary and hinting at some very expensive jewelry that she wanted.

Anniversary came and I delivered BIG TIME. She wrote in a card to me that I was a wonderful husband and that she would marry me all over again.

I then found out 3 or so weeks later that she was 7 months into here PA at the time, sending emails to the AP how sad she was and how she can't stand being with me. And of course she came at me with the "I haven't been happy for years" speech. She ran for the hills after that and never looked back.

I've stopped scratching my head, cause I'll never figure it out. It's simply illogical. All I can assume is that she was a nutbag who was eating up the fantasy of living two amazing lives.

I guess consider yourself lucky that you found out before you celebrated the milestone together. Had you, it would be one more thing to puzzle over and keep you awake at night. I have to reconcile the phrase "I was a wonderful husband and that she would marry me all over again" against her filing for divorce and never looking back. Clearly a nutbag.

[This message edited by RavenWood at 2:09 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]


BS: Me (30s)
WW: Her (30s)
10 year marriage with 2 small children.
Status: Divorced.
DDay: May 2013

Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: RavenWood
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've stopped scratching my head, cause I'll never figure it out. It's simply illogical. All I can assume is that she was a nutbag who was eating up the fantasy of living two amazing lives.

Yep. Although I still sometimes have my "How the hell could she have done that, what's the matter with her" moments, thankfully they don't plague me any more. To be able to compartmentalize two lives like that? And to be "happy" in both? And for so long, as ours did? It defies rational thought.

As a "normal" person, I can say that living one life is quite hard enough.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1613 | Registered: Dec 2012
still2suspicious
♀ Member
Member # 31722
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In 08 we took a cruise to "repledge ourselves to each other". Lots of HB and ILU's. We had gone thru almost 2 yrs of hell with DS's GF/NW.

I did not know about bitchface until 09!! So don't I look like a big stupid fucking idiot, believing his totally worthless words! While he knew what he was doing the whole time.

We just got back from another cruise. It hit me on the boat that we used the same cruise line as in 08. Broke my heart.

H is so CA that I know it did not register with him. And since he has NO idea what his life is going to be once we sell our biz I saw NO reason to talk about my feelings!

Not using THAT line ever again!

Asshat!!!


Me: BS
Him: WH
DDay: LTEA

Posts: 1281 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From:
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