Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Dianne23 (45313)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How to go on?
Mistakesmade
♀ New Member
Member # 41730
Helpless  Posted: 11:09 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here, but here's my story. I have been married 17 years to the greatest guy on earth. However our marriage was in a slump, I was hurt and feeling regected. But I had accepted that. I was just going on taking care of our children as I always had. Then in May I started talking to a friend on Facebook. Before I knew it I had let things go too far and we were meeting. We had an affair from July to Oct. that's when I found out I had not been betrayed by my husband, and I wanted to break it off and fix my marriage. But the other man refused to let me go. He says he loves me and wants a life with me. He doesn't care how I feel or what I want, but as soon as I completely stop talking to him he's gonna tell my husband and family everything.
I'm so lost right now I just don't see a way out of this mess. My husband would probably forgive me in time but I don't think I could face him after hurting him this way. I should just leave but my job was cut to part time and there is no way I can support myself. I would be on the streets because I refuse to take anything from my husband and I refuse to go to the other man. I want my life back but I guess I've destroyed that. I just want out. Sorry this is so long, but I just had to clear my mind.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI!

Look around in the healing library, top left corner, yellow box.

Of course there is a way out.

Confess to your husband, cut it off with OM and start doing the hard work of repairing yourself and your marriage.


Keep posting here, we can help if you let us

[This message edited by broevil at 11:27 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have taken the first step in your journey by posting here. I am a BS and I found out about my FWH's A when the OW came to my door, out of the blue, with piles of proof. If your OM says he will do that, you should believe it. Take my word for it when I say that it is the worst possible way to find out. The trauma is terrible and I suffered from PTSD as a result. If you care for your BH at all, please find the courage to tell him yourself. It will be very difficult, but it is the best way to start on the path to getting your life back. Others will come along with more advice for you, I just wanted to give you my experience on this issue. It will be a long, hard road but it is worth it. Good luck to you.


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1330 | Registered: Aug 2010
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mistakes-
I am afraid, like so many others, you wandered into one of the oldest stories in the book. I think you know that your husband deserves the truth, and really -- your marriage can't survive without it. I know it is the harder thing to do - maybe one of the hardest you've ever done, but you need to tell your H and try to rebuild your marriage if you can. The OM is operating on a bunch of jacked up brain chemicals from the infatuation, but will live without you - I promise. (And he "doesn't care how I feel or what I want. . . " - Ouch. He sounds like a real prince. )

There is lots of support and information here - keep coming back. Also, many people here recommend the book "Not Just Friends."

I wish you strength.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2055 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Mistakesmade
♀ New Member
Member # 41730
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I know I have to tell him, I just don't know how. I would rather die than hurt him like this, and I don't mean that as bad as it sounds. I'm not going to do anything stupid to myself. I just don't want him to hurt but I know he deserves the truth.
And yeah this OM really took me for a ride. He thinks he can make me love him. I'm not trying to play the victim here I know what I done was my choice and it was so wrong. I guess I thought I was a better person than that, but I fell for the OMs little lines hook line & sinker.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2013
Mistakesmade
♀ New Member
Member # 41730
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I know I have to tell him, I just don't know how. I would rather die than hurt him like this, and I don't mean that as bad as it sounds. I'm not going to do anything stupid to myself. I just don't want him to hurt but I know he deserves the truth.
And yeah this OM really took me for a ride. He thinks he can make me love him. I'm not trying to play the victim here I know what I done was my choice and it was so wrong. I guess I thought I was a better person than that, but I fell for the OMs little lines hook line & sinker.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2013
Mistakesmade
♀ New Member
Member # 41730
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I know I have to tell him, I just don't know how. I would rather die than hurt him like this, and I don't mean that as bad as it sounds. I'm not going to do anything stupid to myself. I just don't want him to hurt but I know he deserves the truth.
And yeah this OM really took me for a ride. He thinks he can make me love him. I'm not trying to play the victim here I know what I done was my choice and it was so wrong. I guess I thought I was a better person than that, but I fell for the OMs little lines hook line & sinker.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Dec 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's never a good time or a good way to break this kind of news.

I should just leave

Do your BH the courtesy of letting him choose whether he wants to stay in the M. Don't leave because you think that'd be easier for him. Not your call.

Your AP is a psycho. (They all are, to some degree, and yes I include myself.) You might sit BH down and start by saying, "I made a horrible choice this summer, and now that I want to stop, I'm being threatened with blackmail." My advice is, don't use the word "mistake" when you confess, and don't talk about the M being in a slump. Do your best to avoid putting any of the blame for your A on your M or your BH. If you want to give a "why" then instead of saying "our M was in a slump" you say, "I recently realized that my whole life I've had low self esteem, and I wrongly convinced myself that you weren't paying enough attention to me. So I foolishly sought attention elsewhere."

Good luck. Be strong. There are recovered, still-married WSs on this board who had multiple affairs, years-long affairs, said horrible hurtful things to their BSs when the affair was discovered like, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." (So commonly uttered, it's an acronym. ILYBINILWY.) And, with months and years of hard work, they made it out the other end. You're going to confess armed with some knowledge of "what not to say" and you don't have the added problem of "getting over" the AP, because I get the impression you hate his guts. You can do this.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1228 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell your BS immediately. That disarms the OW completely. NC the OM, and utilize wording you will pursue law enforcement and legal remedies if he does not pull back 100%.

I'm not sure about telling BH you're being blackmailed. If I was him and heard that I'd likely think "oh, that's the only reason she told me".

Tell your BH. Tell him you love him. Tell him you want to reconcile. Work on YOU. And accept the consequences and direction your relationship takes.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:44 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No stop sign, so I hope it is OK if I post.

I found out about WH's A from looking at our phone bill.
As a BW, I can tell you that it would have made a HUGE difference to me if my WH had come to me & confessed on his own, rather than my catching him & confronting him. Our R would have gone much more quickly & smoothly.
What that action ( him coming to me & confessing to me) would have shown me is that he respected me & valued our M more than his relationship with OW.

When deciding what to do, think about what your actions are saying.
Good luck (((Mistakesmade)))


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1396 | Registered: Dec 2012
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had an affair from July to Oct. that's when I found out I had not been betrayed by my husband, and I wanted to break it off and fix my marriage.
Does this mean you thought your BH had an A himself? If so then what made you think that?


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3985 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He says he loves me ...... but as soon as I completely stop talking to him he's gonna tell my husband and family everything.

that isn't love - it's blatant manipulation.
Tell your spouse, choose to live with integrity.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.


Posts: 5238 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 12

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.