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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Does the pain dull over time?
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What itsaclimb said. And year two is when my BS decided to have two affairs. The reality of it is crushing. I get it. As long as ppl are turning to each other and not self medicating....


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3611 | Registered: Dec 2010
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the replies. It's so scary to think of this pain lasting forever. This has made me feel a little comfort. I think I'm having a hard time in accepting that this can never just go away, no matter how hard we try


DD 9/23/13
Me BS
Him WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children

Posts: 159 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
kate0421
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the replies. It's so scary to think of this pain lasting forever. This has made me feel a little comfort. I think I'm having a hard time in accepting that this can never just go away, no matter how hard we try


DD 9/23/13
Me BS
Him WS
Together over 9yrs
2 children

Posts: 159 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Tampa Bay Florida
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can safely say I am healed. I entered infidelity hell 10 years ago, came out of it 8 1/2 years ago and we are still together and enjoying the sunset of our marriage together.

I remember dates, but they are not "anti-versaries" any longer. They are just "that happened then, yep." and now is very different from then.

I was worried that I would never be able to heal. The pain and rage were tremendous. Amazing what time and work can do! I had what could be callled a "trigger" a few weeks ago, but it was a flash, and nothing more.

No matter what your outcome, you will still need to go through the grieving/healing process. I can't speak to separating or divorcing, neither of those happened here. It can be a tough process to try to reconcile with someone who hurt you so badly. It took a long time for me to actually "see" that my husband was working hard to be considered trustworthy again. The veil of pain and rage was mighty thick! As time went on and I got treated for PTSD, the healing stepped up and I feel a lot like myself again. A less naive self, but like me.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some great SI members already chimed in...but I am going to too!

Yes, 16 months out the pain morphs. I still have days were I feel the raw pain from my wifes intentional choices...but it is morphed into a profound saddness.

Pain and saddness use to morph into anger and rage....but then back down to saddness.

TIME plus INTENTIONAL work are the two main ingredients.

I like the statement a fellow SI member made that....."The pain is intense, but pales compares to the immenseness of my world."

You are 3 months out....go easy on yourself. I never felt the pain (co-dependent plus FOO issues) until 2 months out....was even slower to find healthy rage!

So I am on the bottom of the SI bell curve...but hope I comforted you some. It absolutely does improve....

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012 by 1 email to OM...OM did NOT respond.
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred...may never incur.

Posts: 2657 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Arnold01
♀ Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kate, you've gotten some great replies from other SI members. I'm earlier in this journey than some of them, so hopefully this perspective adds to the input you've already received.

My experience at 7 months out is that when I feel the pain, I'm not sure it is any less than it was at first. If I think hard about my moment of discovery, or those first few weeks, or about the relationship my husband had with OW, it hurts just as much and I can still find myself unexpected in tears. But...the great news is that the moments when I feel this pain are definitely fewer and farther between than they were in the first couple of months.

As others have said, the journey isn't always linear. For me the first two months I thought I was doing well, but in retrospect I was just numb. Then...once my husband decided to end all contact with OW, I thought I'd really move past the pain, but the pain actually got far worse. I think that my husband's taking active steps to start R and make me feel safe allowed me to feel the pain that I'd been suppressing for the first two months. So months 3 and 4 post-D-day were a living nightmare.

Eventually I decided that I would need to throw myself into R and to do so, I'd need to feel the pain but also be willing to let go of it once I'd felt it. Since then, I think about the A every day pretty much during every moment that isn't occupied with some other mental activity, but it's more something that is just there and part of my life. What actually triggers the most emotion in me now is thinking about how great my H has been these past few months and how much better we're doing and how much stronger our relationship is. It's not exactly tears of joy, but the strangest positive things trigger me like crazy and I turn into a sobbing ball of emotion. I'm counting my blessings and definitely prefer this sobbing to the sobbing I was doing right after D-Day!

Good luck to you and hang in there. It does get better.


D-Day: June 2013 (discovered a 2 month EA followed by 3 week PA)
NC established: August 2013
Reconciling

Posts: 91 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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