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User Topic: Does the pain dull over time?
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What itsaclimb said. And year two is when my BS decided to have two affairs. The reality of it is crushing. I get it. As long as ppl are turning to each other and not self medicating....

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”

Posts: 5494 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the replies. It's so scary to think of this pain lasting forever. This has made me feel a little comfort. I think I'm having a hard time in accepting that this can never just go away, no matter how hard we try

Together over 10yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 280 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for all the replies. It's so scary to think of this pain lasting forever. This has made me feel a little comfort. I think I'm having a hard time in accepting that this can never just go away, no matter how hard we try

Together over 10yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 280 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can safely say I am healed. I entered infidelity hell 10 years ago, came out of it 8 1/2 years ago and we are still together and enjoying the sunset of our marriage together.

I remember dates, but they are not "anti-versaries" any longer. They are just "that happened then, yep." and now is very different from then.

I was worried that I would never be able to heal. The pain and rage were tremendous. Amazing what time and work can do! I had what could be callled a "trigger" a few weeks ago, but it was a flash, and nothing more.

No matter what your outcome, you will still need to go through the grieving/healing process. I can't speak to separating or divorcing, neither of those happened here. It can be a tough process to try to reconcile with someone who hurt you so badly. It took a long time for me to actually "see" that my husband was working hard to be considered trustworthy again. The veil of pain and rage was mighty thick! As time went on and I got treated for PTSD, the healing stepped up and I feel a lot like myself again. A less naive self, but like me.

FBS-Me, 61
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 26 and 31
2 Daughters 29, 25 And 4 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4892 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some great SI members already chimed in...but I am going to too!

Yes, 16 months out the pain morphs. I still have days were I feel the raw pain from my wifes intentional choices...but it is morphed into a profound saddness.

Pain and saddness use to morph into anger and rage....but then back down to saddness.

TIME plus INTENTIONAL work are the two main ingredients.

I like the statement a fellow SI member made that....."The pain is intense, but pales compares to the immenseness of my world."

You are 3 months out....go easy on yourself. I never felt the pain (co-dependent plus FOO issues) until 2 months out....was even slower to find healthy rage!

So I am on the bottom of the SI bell curve...but hope I comforted you some. It absolutely does improve....

God be with us all.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
♀ Member
Member # 39751
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kate, you've gotten some great replies from other SI members. I'm earlier in this journey than some of them, so hopefully this perspective adds to the input you've already received.

My experience at 7 months out is that when I feel the pain, I'm not sure it is any less than it was at first. If I think hard about my moment of discovery, or those first few weeks, or about the relationship my husband had with OW, it hurts just as much and I can still find myself unexpected in tears. But...the great news is that the moments when I feel this pain are definitely fewer and farther between than they were in the first couple of months.

As others have said, the journey isn't always linear. For me the first two months I thought I was doing well, but in retrospect I was just numb. Then...once my husband decided to end all contact with OW, I thought I'd really move past the pain, but the pain actually got far worse. I think that my husband's taking active steps to start R and make me feel safe allowed me to feel the pain that I'd been suppressing for the first two months. So months 3 and 4 post-D-day were a living nightmare.

Eventually I decided that I would need to throw myself into R and to do so, I'd need to feel the pain but also be willing to let go of it once I'd felt it. Since then, I think about the A every day pretty much during every moment that isn't occupied with some other mental activity, but it's more something that is just there and part of my life. What actually triggers the most emotion in me now is thinking about how great my H has been these past few months and how much better we're doing and how much stronger our relationship is. It's not exactly tears of joy, but the strangest positive things trigger me like crazy and I turn into a sobbing ball of emotion. I'm counting my blessings and definitely prefer this sobbing to the sobbing I was doing right after D-Day!

Good luck to you and hang in there. It does get better.

D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013

Posts: 121 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bump for neecee -

Together over 10yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 280 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
♀ Member
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I LOVE ascian's mountain analogy. So beautiful and so true.

I think, for me, the healing is seriously impacted by what is happening in our relationship over "time". Am I getting more bombs dropped on me? Are there compounding, new, fresh wounds to heal from? Is my H being truthful with me in the little things of life? Is he being transparent and sharing himself with me? Am I feeling validated and respected and valued? - or at least are those things being sincerely expressed towards me even if I can't feel or accept them from him yet? Are we making new memories and is my H actively moving forward and doing everything possible to make me feel safe again?

I sincerely thought I would die from the pain. I prayed to die. But here I am a year later, and that intense pain is getting further into the distance. It can't be undone, and I am moving towards acceptance of that. I am capable of feeling happiness. I am very clearly healing from a pain that is in the PAST. It is overwhelming at times, but it is BEHIND us. If I face forward, my journey is not overwhelmed by the magnitude of it. It's getting closer to being a rear-view mirror kind of thing.

But the imperative thing - and the game changer for healing from the pain - is that the A and the pre-A behaviours are not happening NOW. I'm not sure I will ever be at a place where it is so far behind me that I couldn't bring it all back up with a fury should I need to access it again.

Me: Believer; 40s
Him: Liar; 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R, but still in just plain pain.

Posts: 809 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ Member
Member # 43949
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

These are questions I struggle with every day. I'm two months out. I believe there's been a huge game changing revelation. But if I'm wrong.... I can't even think about how I'd get through any more. Still hour to hour mood swings. At least I haven't actually cried In a couple of days now. Way down from 5 or 6 times per day. I'm starting to concentrate for an hour or so each time at work. I'm really ready to stop the panick and get to peace. These two women were so awful. It makes me feel low. I'm not sure it would be better if they were attractive or good people though either. I don't think there's an upside regardless. Still just hurt.

BW - 49
WH - 50
Married 30 years
Beautiful Son, Daughter and 2 Grandsons.

OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.

Hopeful but cautious

Posts: 194 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am almost 4 years out and have had a truly remorseful WH from Dday forward.

Without question the pain subsides, the triggers (those that I am unable to remove from my world) lose their impact, and the mind movie no longer play like a continuous loop in my brain.

It took me at least 18-24 months to feel a true sense of peace and to rid myself of the rage, anger, and deep hate that I felt for my WH.

If however, you engage in suppression then no, I don't believe that the pain will subside. It may disappear for a while as you block it out but it will come back with a vengeance.

I too remember feeling as if i would never be happy again. I genuinely believed that I would never smile again. Thankfully, I was wrong.

As long as you want to R AND as long as you have a remorseful WH whose actions are proving to you that he is 100% committed to you, your M, and to fixing what he destroyed then I would say hang in there ~ it really will get much easier.

ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2133 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ Member
Member # 29859
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes the pain eases and disappears over time. The feelings of hurt and betrayal are raw and fiery at the beginning, but if the wayward spouse is remorseful and changes behavior then that does soothe the pain away eventually .
I thought I was ok four years on, but I just saw news that the OW has just died and it brought sadness rather than rage to my heart. When I remember how much I cursed her and raged at the very idea of her I realize how much time has changed me.

Me: BW (46)
Him : (F)WH (46)
D-Day 8th June 2010
23years of M (25 together)
2 teenagers

Posts: 166 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Europe
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