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User Topic: Need opinions - is this a EA?
FUBAR858
♂ New Member
Member # 40515
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So this is actually for a friend of mine and has some close connection with me. Long story short, my buddy called me today concerned that his wife is having an A with another man. He was worried to talk to me about it cause in the next few days marks my 1 year D-day that I found out my W was having an A. He happened upon an email to his W from OM that had some pet names. My buddy started to look around and found several other emails that talked about what they would do (not sexually) if things were different. He found out that last month his W sent nearly 4000 text - unsure right now who it was to though. He has found several other emails and actual letters from the OM confessing his love. There are times that my buddies W will go grocery shopping and not come home until 930-10pm. My buddy was concerned about this OM a while back and asked his W if there was an A. She denied there was. It just seems like there is a bunch of evidence suggesting at least an EA is going on.
What are everyone’s thoughts on this?

Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes definitely EA! I consider my Wh's an EA even though he claims there were no emotions. OW would call him pet names, too. And there was LOTS of flirting and sexual innuendos. The only spoke in a really sexually nature twice, that I know of, but I consider the whole relationship pretty much from the get go an EA.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW here. On the surface, it indeed sounds like at least an EA. If she's "grocery shopping" until all hours, my guess it's PA as well.

Sorry about what your buddy is going through but he has ample reason to be concerned.

Have you directed him here? You know he'll get the help and support he needs.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5886 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fubar -
It's for sure an EA, and I'd bet a PA too based on the "grocery shopping". My WW started out as texting/talking. She swore that was it. I kept stumbling onto stuff culminating with the two of them at the same Inn, on the same day, and in the middle of nowhere. But, she "had no idea he was there" and just "pulled over to nap". Please.

As my counselor told me just after I found out, "where there's smoke, there's fire". I'd tell your buddy his house is burning down.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's cheating.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9637 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
FUBAR858
♂ New Member
Member # 40515
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Clarrissa
I'm definitely going to have him come here. Even though this is only my 2nd post, I've come here a lot and it has helped me out.

I'm going to go to his house tomorrow so we can talk more about everything. It's a bit hard for me too because it's starting to bring up all the feelings that I had. I pretty much found out the same way.

He was thinking about confronting her tonight with all the evidence that he has. There is no evidence so far that it's a PA but I'm thinking there is or at least was at some point. The poor guy is so nice and was going to be extremely civil about it. I think he might be in shock that this might be happening to him.


Posts: 44 | Registered: Aug 2013
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Literally thousands of texts. Grocery shopping until 10pm too.

PA for sure.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3787 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWW here.

Deff EA, most likely PA.

My suggestion? He should quietly gather evidence. GPS on phone, VAR in her car, keylogger on all electronic devices she uses. Of course, that's if he needs/wants proof. For some people, just a suspicion of infidelity is enough to be "done".

[This message edited by Aubrie at 7:21 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6221 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fubar, EA or PA the devastation is still the same. Neither is "better" or "worse" than the other. I think you're being a very good friend to this man for being willing to help him when your own pain is still so fresh.

You see the consensus here. This man's wife is almost 100% guaranteed to be cheating. The signs are there. The texts, the overly familiar emails, the disappearing for hours on end. Of course she's going to deny it. Very few WS are "in your face" about their cheating. Just help him prepare himself for what's to come as best you can. Tell him he's welcome to share his story here. There's a great group of people here, you know that. As one poster said a while back to another BS who'd just found out: Bring the beer. He just made 40,000+ friends.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5886 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 1:20 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

May have started as an EA but I'd bet its PA now.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5025 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
wanttogoforward
♀ Member
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The poor mans wife is certainly cheating....

I have experienced this as the BS... and this is what I had happen...
Thousands of emails... all day... every day at work
wanting to 'buy' items from her when she was moving
Going to work a bit early and staying later
skipping coming home for lunch
trying to take her to lunch before she left her H- I caught onto that one in time or it likely would have been a PA by then.
Pet names... 'beautiful'... 'sexy'... etc.
The discussion of what they would both do if they were single
the sending of gifts- not big ones.... not that it frickin matters

The only thing he didn't do was the texting because at the time he hated having a cell phone... now he has one that I can monitor if I choose.

I'm so sorry, but having been there done that he needs to keep quiet and investigate... wish I had done more of that but my big mouth couldn't keep closed. Now I only ever have his word that he didn't sleep with her


Posts: 1178 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wish I had done more of that but my big mouth couldn't keep closed. Now I only ever have his word that he didn't sleep with her

I'm in the same position. I think I caught it before it became a PA but it was so very close. I seriously believe had I let it go on another week it would have became physical. There are a few e-mails that really made me question if it hadn't already gone that way and they had simply agreed not to discuss it through messages but that is probably fear talking.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cheating for sure - Spending quality time and attention with someone other than her spouse, and then is hiding it - Yup that's cheating.

The kicker is it is most likely physical too.

I would strongly urge him to not confront until he has a bit more proof, I would get a VAR in her car, I would put a keylogger on the computer, and spyware on her phone. Without proof in hand, many WS's will do a pretty good job of minimizing, and convincing the BS that they are crazy, or making a big deal out of nothing. With proof it stops all that Bullshit.

(((and strength to you and your friend)))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8443 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:50 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that yes, it's an EA, and probably PA. I also agree that he needs to not confront until he knows for sure what is going on.

He has seen the number of texts on the phone bill. Have him look at the night she was grocery shopping so late. If the texts stopped, it's most likely because she was with him.

If there are also phone conversations, he should use a VAR. He should also make sure the phone locater is on her phone so he can see where she is.

He also needs to find out everything he can about OM - is he married, where does he live, etc.

She's cheating - at least EA, but most likely PA.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j
FUBAR, sorry you had to be here, but it's nice to "meet" you after getting to know your WW for several months.
end t/j

Detecting the lies of a cheating wife is a subject in which I'm sure you wished you weren't an expert. Your friend is lucky to have you on his side.

Yep, if buddy's wife and OM aren't officially screwing, they're at least making out in cars.

Does the wife have a smartphone? Definitely he should start tracking her if at all possible. Assuming they have a shared plan, I think Sprint and Verizon have a service you can pay for, to track family members. There are free apps like Life 360 phone tracker, which runs in the background but if she noticed the icon she'd be able to log out of it. Verizon has the "Verizon Messages" app which will (transparently!) send all her texts to an iPad.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1166 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Topic Posts: 15

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