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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: hiding whereabouts
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 2:31 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH would not tell me where he goes. Like when he has trips related to his job, he would not tell me where and how long he'll be gone.

This of course always leave me very worried waiting forever for him to come home. He also does not respond to my text messages while he is away.

Like now, he's been gone for 2 days already and I haven't heard a word from him. It's killing me .

Any WS out there in the same situation? Please HELP!


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 4:47 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not ideal behavior from an adult, for sure BUT...

He's lashing out. You do understand why, right? All you can do is talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. You can't control him, you can only decide what you will tolerate. It looks like you're still close to d-day from your join date, so it may be too soon to expect him to be concerned for your feelings in the matter. Just voice your concern and try to be empathetic. Remember, he doesn't want to feel the way he does right now.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 6:50 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have children, this is totally unacceptable. Lashing out and being pissed is fine and normal, under the circumstances.

But to just fall off the face of the Earth. Unacceptable.

However, let him do his thing. Pretend it does not bother you. I would also keep track of these events, just in case. And in your case with the violence and bullshit, I would see an attorney.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 7:34 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just reread your posts here on SI and honesty feel that your BH is abusing you. He disappears on weekends, he verbally abuses you in front of the kids, he has held a gun to your head - how much more can you take?

Yes, you blew his world up by having an affair and his behavior would be understandable (minus the gun) if your DDay was a couple weeks ago. But after 4 months, he shouldn't be disappearing for days. He also needs to be accountable. You two have kids and he is their father; he needs to act like one through all this ciaos, as hard as that is....

(((helplessme))))

[This message edited by SandAway at 7:01 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 433 | Registered: Dec 2012
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

longroadhome,

I did communicate with him about it but he only shuts me down. He doesn't show any care with how I feel. It's now 4 and a half months from Dday. Yes I understand how he feels though. I just wonder how others WS's who are in the same situation handled it.

Thank you!


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

longroadhome,

I did communicate with him about it but he only shuts me down. He doesn't show any care with how I feel. It's now 4 and a half months from Dday. Yes I understand how he feels though. I just wonder how others WS's who are in the same situation handled it.

Thank you!


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi helplessme -

This is more unacceptable behavior. If he wants to act as if he's single, then he needs to make that call. He cannot mentally and emotionally abuse you to the extent that he does.

I'm a BS - I understand lashing out. This is beyond lashing out. Is your H in IC? Are you in MC? I think that would help you tremendously.

I think your H needs to learn some better coping skills. Yes, he's hurting, but abuse of this nature is completely not acceptable. I hope, if he's not in IC, that he will go. He clearly has trouble expressing his hurt in healthy ways, and I think he could use help with this.


(((Hugs)))


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daisy1967 and Sandaway,

Thank you for sympathizing with me. Yes, I feel abused, emotionally especially.

I just don't know what to do right now. I am doing my best to show my BH how sorry I am but I do not get any support from him. I feel I can not do this alone. I need him to at least hold my hand.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painfulpast,

We both do not go for IC or MC. Those are not readily accessible where we live. Also, if I do open that to my BH, Im sure he will decline. He is too proud. He holds quite a high position in the city where we live and he is well known. He would not want anyone to know he is undergoing counseling. He is a man with high pride. I deeply hurt his pride by having an A


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not speaking to the abuse or any other lashing out that you are experiencing...it sound like you have a lot going on.

I would be purposefully vague about where I would be and when i would return from work or trips. I would show up earlier than she expected. This was my attempt to make it difficult for her to make plans to cheat. All of the A meeting happened while I was away. In my head if she didn't know when I would come home she wouldn't risk getting caught again. It was a futile attempt at control but in the crazy mind of a BS it made sense.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2560 | Registered: Aug 2012
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 9:17 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Probably just my mood so take with a grain of salt. but i think thats bullshit. we all seem to talk about how childish we were during our affairs. So for him to now act like that is bullshit. You wanna be angry? Every right. Wanna 180? Ok fine. But the fact remains. Your still in a relationship with someone. If he doesn't want to reconcile that's his choice. Keep doing what you need to heal yourself. And let him act like a child. Sorry, having a really angry day

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2012
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if my post has stopped people from posting

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2012
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you

Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Helpless,

Disregard my advice above. I didn't have a grasp on your entire story. What I said would hold true if not for the rest of it, but in light of everything (a gun?! Holy shit!) perhaps you should just take a long hard look at how much you're willing to tolerate. A bunch of us, including you, think that you're being abused. How long will you stay in an abusive relationship?

[This message edited by longroadhome at 2:53 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know your story. But if what I have heard is true. Get your children and get as far away from this man as you can. And get protection. I don't care who he is or even who people think he is. He will hurt you. If he hasn't yet he will. In my line of work I see it everyday. Get help and get away. He's an ass. Believe me your not blameless in your marriage. But you do not need to deal with this. Even if he agrees to get help. Which pride aside asshole you need. Don't be around him while he does. And keep getting help for yourself

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2012
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

helplessme, please check your PMs


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1881 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
MairISaoirse
♀ Member
Member # 41497
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with other posters as well- your H is acting out of line

WS are allowed to have deal breakers and draw lines too. You are allowed to leave.

best wishes ((hugs))


Mad Hatter

Me: 21
Him: 21
Together 2 years
my ONS->1 mo EA abroad

after D-Day BF admitted he had broken NC with EXGF (EA)
D-DAY 11/21/13

In Limbo


Posts: 114 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Kentucky
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look. I'm a BW. I am TOTALLY for the WS to do everything possible to help their BS to process what they are going through. I am, unashamedly, on the BS's side.

And I am telling you. You need to leave. You need to file, you need to legally divorce your BH. You are in danger, IMO. Do I condone your adultery? Heck no. Said with conviction. Does your BH have a right to be upset, untrusting, demanding, etc? Heck Yes! Does he have a right to abuse you. HELL NO. NO one, NO one, should feel threatened in their home. And that is what you are, threatened.

Yes, get yourself into IC and figure out why in the world you committed adultery. Also, figure out why you think that you deserve to be abused. And find a lawyer, file for divorce, work out the child and financial arrangements, and then hunker down and work on yourself for a couple of years. IMO, of course, there is a cancer running through your marriage and the two of you, your BH and yourself, are not good for each other. Separate before something truly tragic happens, if not for your sake, then the sake of your children.

I am trying to say this with as much compassion as I can. But I cannot possibly convey to you, over what is essentially email, how worried I am about your situation.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4727 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to everyone ...

THANK YOU for your genuine concern.

I appreciate all of you and your contribution to advising me.

I pray I will be able to get this through by God's help and yours.

Thank you from my hurting heart


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, just want to add: about the GUN. He only poked it at me once. On the night of Dday. He never showed it to me after that.

So I am not really scared about the gun. But I am very scared with his verbal and emotional lashes


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 28
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