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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: so lonely :-(
brokenfairy
♀ Member
Member # 32818
Sad  Posted: 3:09 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, this is my second Christmas since X left me and the children and this year I just feel like I'm really sinking. I feel so incredibly low and alone and am crying a LOT

I don't know which way to turn and I really have no one I can talk to about my feelings so I hope you'll excuse this outpouring as maybe a little self-therapy.

Firstly, I have NO single friends. Everyone I know, even if they've suffered a break up of some kind, has a SO in their lives, so they are all tied up with family stuff (understandably) over the festive period. I have no relatives other than my mum (who is amazing) and my two children, whom I adore, but whom are at the ages now where they don't want to sit downstairs with their mum (again, I get that).

I'm just so incredibly sad and lonely and its slowly destroying me. I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm literally just waiting to die. I haven't had one date since X left - no one seems interested in me. Barely anyone ever messages me to even say hi, I have to make mostly all effort with the small amount of friends I do have.

Please don't think I'm selfish or self-absorbed, I'm not, I'm thankful for what I do have (my mum and my kids) but mostly I have no one to talk to, no one to share things with, no siblings to call up for a chat, nobody else. I just feel like the world is spinning around me and I'm just stuck in a black hole in the middle.

I'm lonely, that is all


ME: BGF, 39 (was 37 on DDay)
HIM: XWBF, 55 ~ not worthy
CHILDREN: D15, S12
D-DAY: 21.06.11
A DURATION: 18+M

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenfairy,

I am right next to you in your loneliness. I don't have children so I don't carry that extra pain for them but like you I have friends who are mainly married or taken and busy. My family lives a state away and can always get here within an hour but I want to move on and experience the love of a real man.....

But right now I realize that this is my time to learn about me and who I can be own my own. I still want that love and I still feel that loneliness but it's not the time for anything serious.

My mom and I were talking about how shocking it is that someone like my husband could have done what he did to me and really, it sort of makes her feel that we all are really just going through this world by ourselves...it's just that's we try our best to have relationships with those around us.

It feels like you're alone because you are, you always have been. You know what they say: you came into this world by yourself and that's how you'll leave. Just try to remember that you're not alone in your loneliness. Wherever in the world you are, the rest of us are feeling the same.


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced

Posts: 161 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Fairy))))

Give yourself a chance, you are only in the second year and it does get better. I have many friends who could attest to that. Don't judge the future by this one.

So, this is my second Christmas since X left me and the children and this year I just feel like I'm really sinking. I feel so incredibly low and alone and am crying a LOT

Might it be worthwhile seeing your doctor in case you are needing help with depression? There are many ways of treating depression. It's very hard to do it alone and your doctor can help.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 5115 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Brokenfairy))) I'm so sorry. I'm earlier out but I'm lonely too. Doing in house separation and the Snake is out at a wedding (he invited me but I said no of course). I'm spending the day with DS who I adore but I miss adult companionship. I actually find myself wanting STBX around just so I'll have company I moved up here for his career and have no friends except married coworkers I rarely hang out with and don't know about the D. My parents are great but they have lives and are hundreds of miles away from me. My best friend is going through her own divorce and is so devastated I can't get her to talk to me recently. I feel like I have no one but my toddler sometimes and I don't know what I'll do when he's gone visiting his dad. And it's so hard after being in a relationship for so long not to have anyone to love and touch you.

Can you join things like meetup.com to find people with like interests to hang out with? Maybe even pick up a new hobby? Things will get better!


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!
Summary: http://youtu.be/iaysTVcounI

Posts: 941 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are your friends excluding you from their lives during the holidays or are you distancing yourself from them because you are the only single one? If it's the former, they're not really friends. If it's the latter, so what if you're the only single one?

My friends would never exclude me because I'm single; I've received multiple invitations and would have gone to visit if it wasn't for work.

In this new state of your life, you absolutely cannot define yourself by the lack of a relationship. Celebrate your independence and rediscover what makes you happen as an individual. Cultivate your own friendship.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20180 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
NotFixable
♀ Member
Member # 41608
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((brokenfairy))) You are definitely not alone! I am right here with you, even though it is my first Christmas and I'm only a few weeks into this. I also have no single friends and live in an area which doesn't offer many opportunities to get out and mingle with others. It is lonely as hell! I feel your pain.


Me-BS
Him-WH
Married 13 years
DD #1 03/12
DD #2 11/20/13
Status: Separated and planning D
___________________________________

Nowhere left to go but up!


Posts: 108 | Registered: Dec 2013
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In this new state of your life, you absolutely cannot define yourself by the lack of a relationship.

This is very true ^^^.

It takes time to figure out who we are and what our lives are going to be about, and basing your future happiness on a relationship is going to get you nowhere fast.

During year 2 I hardly left the house except for work. It's a rough one.

Map out a plan now. Exercise, go for a long walk, run or ride a bike, or just go for a drive somewhere pretty.

Go downtown and window shop, get a coffee and sit and people watch.

Go to the movies. Alone. Yes! Alone! Many of us discovered we enjoyed this immensely post-divorce. Personally I prefer not to share my popcorn.

I'm into year 6 on my own now and have gone back to school, have a few really good friends (younger couples, REAL friends who include me in their socializing) and am enjoying life again.

It took forever to get here, I moved five times in as many years, but now I'm getting back in the groove and it feels great.

You'll get there. Just don't expect too much of yourself so soon.

Big hugs.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17394 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
brokenfairy
♀ Member
Member # 32818
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your replies and once again apologies for my pitiful ramblings!

I don't think anyone is purposely 'excluding' me from anything, nor am I avoiding situations with coupled up people - I just honestly don't think I figure in their minds often. Outwardly I guess I come across as 'over it' and cheerful - noone sees the pain inside. Plus everyone is just busy with family stuff, visiting relatives, stuff like that, whereas I don't have that.

I don't know what else to do, I can't force myself upon people and if I'm honest, as much as I know lots of people, I have very few close friends.


ME: BGF, 39 (was 37 on DDay)
HIM: XWBF, 55 ~ not worthy
CHILDREN: D15, S12
D-DAY: 21.06.11
A DURATION: 18+M

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Brokenfairy)))

I can really relate to this. I have no single girlfriends either. And although my married/taken friends never exclude me, it often makes me depressed to hang out with them as it is a reminder to me of what I lost. I have no family except my parents who live 5 hours away. My only sibling and I haven't spoken in years and he lives overseas. I suddenly found myself in a situation where I am raising two kids alone, working full time, trying to juggle it all by myself. And the lonliness is overwhelming sometimes. It is hard for me to not have that feeling of deep emotional connection with someone. It is incredibly isolating. Night time is the worst and holidays are torture. I don't speak to EX at all which makes it all the harder to raise the kids. It is really, REALLY hard - this life we've been given. hugs to you.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
brokenfairy
♀ Member
Member # 32818
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you r&b, its nice (well, not nice at all, but you know what I mean) to know I'm not alone.

I have no contact with X either, at all, which is nice in one sense. I do however find it weird how someone can basically shut you out of their lives completely after so many years together - almost as if you don't exist. How do they just stop caring? I will never understand that.

Its all so hard for me - not for X it would seem though, who has hooked back up with single guy friends and spends all his time socialising while I raise our family alone. It's all just horse-shit.


ME: BGF, 39 (was 37 on DDay)
HIM: XWBF, 55 ~ not worthy
CHILDREN: D15, S12
D-DAY: 21.06.11
A DURATION: 18+M

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
neverbeokay
Member
Member # 8275
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, I remember very well that feeling the first year or two after I was divorced. I went to work, took care of my kids, cleaned and did chores, and woke up and did it all again. All my friends also happily married, and let's face it couples tend to do things with couples.

I will say that despite my having a difficult holiday this year, overall things have gotten much better. I joined a couple of meetup groups and hit it off with a couple of the women there, I started going to concerts by myself (which has been a lot more fun than I thought), and after resigning myself to spinsterhood since I won't do online dating, I recently met an interesting man and we have our second date next week.

You are still healing and finding your way in your new life. Look at 2014 as a fresh start for a happier life. That's what I plan to do!


Posts: 294 | Registered: Sep 2005
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS You are NOT pitiful!


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17394 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
brokenfairy
♀ Member
Member # 32818
Default  Posted: 5:09 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys, as always, you are all a huge comfort :-)


ME: BGF, 39 (was 37 on DDay)
HIM: XWBF, 55 ~ not worthy
CHILDREN: D15, S12
D-DAY: 21.06.11
A DURATION: 18+M

Posts: 415 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: UK
tara1110
♀ Member
Member # 41202
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fairy you're not alone... ((((hugs))))
I get very lonely at times. I have a 2y/o son, a full time job and 2 dogs that keep me busy but I know exactly how you feel...


Me BS:34
H WS: 28
OW: 33 (butter face... Thanks to sistermilkshake for the nickname)
Dday: July 24, 2013 (5 days after our 5th wedding anniversary)
7yrs together, married for 5 yrs
Status: divorcing

Posts: 86 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: North Carolina
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you are feeling lonely. I haven't hit that point yet. I am very active in my church, and I belong to a yarn group that meets weekly. In addition, I homeschool my girls and we have Park Days once a week so there are always adults for me to interact with. I have 2 on-line support groups, this one and my weight-loss one (SparkPeople.com) which I've got friends on.

One thing I've mentioned before on other threads is volunteering at a Food Bank or something along those lines. Helping others less fortunate really goes a long way towards making you feel good about yourself.

Please don't feel that you are alone ... while we are just virtual .. we can be support for you.


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Lost15
♀ Member
Member # 40898
Default  Posted: 10:41 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Hugs)) I understand how you feel. I am going through my first Christmas and into the New Year without the man I thought I would grown old with. It is so very sad. I too am very lonely. I have my teenage son, but he doesn't want to hang out with mom all the time. I have my parents I live with but they have lives as well. I have one true best friend since day care, but she is so busy with her own family I feel like a bother. I don't make friends easily, I believe because I'm shy and quiet and not easy to talk to sometimes. But I truly want friendships and people in my life. The loneliness is what I struggle with everyday. Hang in there, I know we can get through this, we have to. If you ever just need to talk or vent send me a msg. I understand how it feels.


me(BS)-34 him(WS)-32 DS-15
Married 15 years
Blindsided with divorce 07-12-13
DD-08-1-13 OW-40ish,married 20 yrs, with 4 kids she abandoned
Divorcing and trying to move one tiny step forward at a time.

Posts: 114 | Registered: Oct 2013
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenfairy,

I wanted to comment again. I just came home from a married female friend's house. She's a colleague and knows my story. She was having a small get-together for a holiday party. You're probably thinking you'd love an invite like that but I have to say, while I did enjoy myself, I still felt very alone while I was there.

Two couples walked into the house at separate times and each time, the other partygoers congratulated them because they were recently engaged. I had to take a step out onto the back porch and I just looked up at the night sky and felt the cold air on my skin. I was very lonely in that moment even with others around me. And I'm home now as if the whole party triggered me.

My friend caught me sitting by myself in her dining room and I told her I just needed another time out; starting to get depressed even though I was having a nice time basically. She understands. She can empathize. But I'm still in this battle alone, you know?

And I keep having dreams (nightmares?) of my husband and his affair and other details I cannot remember. It has been going on for the last week but it has been a month since DDay. My friend thinks this is because I'm really making such strides to be strong during the day that my mind is trying to figure it all out and come to terms at night. I guess.

But I was thinking of you as I sit here watching tv, in front of my little lit xmas tree, feeling sad and lonely after what should have been a great time.... I don't know.


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced

Posts: 161 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
myowndystopia
♀ Member
Member # 41340
Default  Posted: 11:42 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenfairy-

I too can relate. Though I'm only 3 months in to this situation there is loneliness. The holidays didn't really help! Part of it for me is that the friends that I have were "our" friends which just seems to further complicate things. I don't really have advice for you other than to maybe look for opportunities to broaden your circle of friends- book club, church group, hobby. I am currently looking at options that will give me opportunities to meet new people and in meeting new people - I may find a new friend!


Me- BS
Him - WS (the Grub)
married 28 years/4 kids(mostly grown)

"'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew.
All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true "
Set Fire to the Rain
Adele


Posts: 408 | Registered: Nov 2013
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brokenfairy, I'm with you. I find it weird and outright disturbing that someone could push you out of their life like that after years and years and years and treat you as though you never existed.

How empty you must be inside to be able to be so cruel to another person.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know exactly how you feel. Alone and lonely. I am 2.5 years out from separation and 1 year out from being divorced. I have my kids and my parents close by whom I love but sometimes I need some other company/friendships etc.

I did originally when I first separated go to some meet ups and made some new friends, however they are all now with new SO. Even my closest friend who claimed she would never turn into one of those couples, where they don't do anything with friends anymore as they are too busy with their new boyfriend has become one of those people as well.

It's hard to maintain friendships (or any relationship if I was dating) as I have 2 kids whom I have for 90% of the year. The week between xmas & new years is the only week I can guarantee I am free, everyone was like yeah we'll meet up etc. I have since tried to meet up with friends even just for a coffee during this time, but everyone is too busy with their SO. It's frustrating and sad. Makes me feel even more alone. I literally sat on the couch and sobbed so hard with the last rejection. It's like being unwanted yet again.

[This message edited by Bluebird26 at 12:35 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
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