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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Double betrayal- how fo you survive it?So very lost & destroyed!
titanium76
♀ New Member
Member # 41823
Default  Posted: 9:42 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well never in a million years thought id be here, and im not one to usually reach out BUT i am so lost im not sure what to do.

I married my childhood sweetheart who i first went out with at 10 years old. We lived together from 16 years old and have 2 children who are 11 and 3.

One month ago after 21 years together he tells me he wants out!! Mmm, things have been very strained fir the last 3 years as on the birth of my son i was diagnosed with breast cancer at 34 years old. Made it hard to concentrate on our marriage as i was fighting for my life n he was holding together 3 jobs a newborn baby and a 8 year old- with the help of my best friend.

So after many talks and lots n lots of breakdowns (by him ) we decided to split. I was devastated for my kids but he was not jn a good place and i knew it was time. We decided he would stay until end January when it would be easier to split the finances and start a new life.

So 7th January, i jump on a plane with my daughter to go to have check ups for my cancer and he rings. Soon as the plane left he moved out, with my BEST FRIEND!!!! Devastated, crushed, destroyed doesnt even begin to describe it. My bf was my rock, closer to me than he even was. I loved her with every part of my soul n had spent the last 3 years helping ger thru her divorce after 18 years of marriage. I simply can not comprehend how she can hurt my the way she has- its unimagianable.

They always had a flirtatious relstionship but i am not the jealous kind n felt i had a strong marriage but more than any of that i trusted her completely. He tells me he is in love with her n she tells me she wants to "try" with him. I am left losing 2 of the biggest parts of myself with 2 kids to raise alone with cancer. Is a mess!!

Last 2 weeks have been horrific. Lots of abuse from both of them, NO remorse what so ever, she is know helping him with court costs so he can take what little i have - even though ice already offered 50 percent. His family (who dont like her n r generally lovely people) have turned there back on me abd he is telling all our friends that im taking all his money n that i wont let him see his kids ( he has had half access the whole time and so far i have not taken 1 cent of his money). Is so unlike him, we never fought about money n he was loving dad, but now seems like being with his kids is a hassle.

I dont no how to go on?? My love for him dwindled years ago so as much as what he is doing is shocking it doesnt hurt me as much as i thought, that is until i think of her...... We had an unusual connection that i just thought u dont find everyday. So so close and raw and honest and obviously FAKE!!! But i loved her n im struggling dealing my emotions. This has so obviously been going on for years n years n when i pinpoint it, it seemed to start when i was having chemo a few years back. Who does that????

Has anyone haf an experience like this and hiw ob earth do you get through such heartbreak?? Im a very social and fun loved person who makes myself vunrable as i have always seen the good in people, how now do i ever trust again?? And how did i let this happen?? So confused!!


Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
titanium76
♀ New Member
Member # 41823
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Was 7th December not January, sorry

Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
Junior
♂ Member
Member # 22589
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Holidays and weekends can be slow but others will be along to share and offer their help and support. I don't post often any more but your story really touched me. December 7th? How perfect is that... Pearl Harbor Day no less.

I'm not sure you can deal with all of this at once. Were I in your place the first thing I'd do is concentrate on making sure I was getting some nourishment, fluids and as much sleep as possible. Also make certain you're taking any and all meds on schedule. Make a list maybe and check things off when complete. All difficult to do but necessary as you need to keep going for the children.

Then I'd concentrate on making sure the kids were taken care of. Try to get some backup or real in person support. From your family or other friends. After that I really don't know what the next priority is. Trust and emotional healing will take a while and really come in second place to just hanging on and beating your cancer. I'm so sorry this dump truck of crap was delivered to your doorstep.


Posts: 185 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Pacific Northwest
woundedby2
♀ Member
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your situation, titanium. I was also the victim of a double betrayal. It is a particularly bitter pill to swallow.

I also had a difficult time dealing with the betrayal by my best friend. I think it is because I knew the problems that existed in my marriage, but I never perceived my friendship with OW to be flawed or weak.

It just plain sucks. There is a thread in the I Can Relate forum for double betrayals. You might find some good insights there.



Me: BS
2 kids: DD15 and DS18
Him: The Assclown NPD
OW: "friend" of 15 years
Divorced! Feb. 2010

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson


Posts: 7824 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
TooAloof
♀ Member
Member # 12764
Default  Posted: 2:50 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Titanium,
((hugs))--This is such a horror, I don't know where to begin. I remember how isolated and betrayed I felt when my WH did this to me, but I can not imagine how it feels to also be betrayed by your BFF. How despicable of them, and then, to make it even more unbearable, they turn against you, and try to rally support for themselves; well, how else could they live with themselves/each other, unless they could justify it by vilifying you?
Try to surround yourself with as much family and friends and supportive people as you can, and know that there are about 40,000 of us right here.
It can be really slow here on weekends, but I am sure you'll get much support and advice very soon.

Meanwhile, do whatever you need to do to mitigate any financial damage these two assholes might inflict; Please try to protect yourself and your children from the pillaging these two soulless jackasses are attempting.
Seriously, they are far beyond your reach, or any reasoning, and now the only thing you can do is hold your head high, ignore them, and take care of yourself and your children. Really.
Any negative reaction from you will just feed their fantasy that they are innocent victims of a force greater than themselves (their love for each other), and you are the enemy, uncaring, and spiteful. And all the rest of their delusional bullshit.
Just ignore, find support for yourself, circle the wagons financially, and 180 both their pathetic asses.
This shit just pisses me off.
( I was feeling reasonable about it until I read the part where they are trying to turn people against you)--- This is why I hate cheaters, they just don't have the balls to own up to what they do, and try to justify everything, turning the betrayed into the bad guy. Fuck them.
Sorry, it's late, and I've had a couple of glasses of wine.
Take care and post often,
TA


The cure for anything is Salt Water; Sweat, Tears and the Sea
Isak Dinesen

Posts: 749 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: PNW
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YOU dint let anything happen. You are the victim of two cold hearted pieces of shit.

Im so sorry.


BS(me)42
FWH 45
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Reconciling?

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7679 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
Lola88
♀ Member
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So very sorry you are here Titanium - can't imagine how those two can sleep nights!

The most important issue right now is looking after your health and your children.

The support, love and care you'll find on this site will help, post as often as you want - the experience people have on here will be invaluable to you at every stage.

Sending you positive thoughts, strength and (((hugs)))


Posts: 127 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
ShedSomeLight
♀ Member
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so VERY sorry. I know the pain that you are in from the infidelity, however, I can't even imagine dealing with also have a friend do that to you. My situation is very different, however, I do want to say that you need to protect your health! You can get very run down from this. That is what happen to me. I lost a lot of weight from not eating/sleeping. Long story...short, I ended up with a virus that went into my inner ears and lost some of my hearing in my right ear. It is slowing getting better...but I wish I had not cried constantly and had kept my nutrition up. Please take care of you. Think of yourself and your children right now. I truly feel that "karma" will rear it's ugly head upon them and you will rise above. It does get better... I promise. Hugs to you !!!

Posts: 127 | Registered: Aug 2013
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 7:06 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear god what monsters they are! I am so so sorry sweetie! I simply can not imagine anything so despicable, and I feel my blood pressure rising simply by thinking about what they have done to you, I can't even imagine living it!!!!

Yes, evil does exist in the world, and they are the personification of it.

I don't know anything about divorce law in Australia, but if you were here in the States, I would tell you to see the very best lawyer you can find, and protect yourself financially.

Please take care of yourself, and know that a very special spot in hell is reserved for these sub-human assholes.

PPGA


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7099 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
allyk2014
♀ New Member
Member # 41688
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was with my first H from the age of 17, HS sweethearts. We were together 17 years with 2 kids. We were best friends with another couple the entire 17 yrs and did everything together. I noticed over the years that she and my H were a little too flirty too, but I never in a million years thought he would cheat. Never. She was a very good friend of mine as well.

Towards the end, we had some problems (I later found out she created by telling him things). She became extremely close to me, literally hanging out every day, wanting to talk about our marriages, pretending to be my best friend as I poured my heart out to her. She asked a lot of really personal things about our M as well that should have been red flags. I noticed she and my H getting closer as he had her over to our place to help him with a few projects. He even took her out one evening and had me watch her two kids as well, which was a huge red flag. I remember telling my sister I think there may be something going on. Her reply was "no way" and I wanted to believe the best.

He moved out with her and her H (who worked out of state weeks at a time) shortly after. He still wouldn't admit to anything, yet filed for D. I started hearing from friends of his and her H (who filed shortly after) that they were seeing eachother.

They made their relationship public shortly after, showing up at my kids events together, rubbing it im my face. He turned his family against me and they accepted her into the family!They both completely turned on me and she said some horrible things to me like I was a bad W and didn't make him happy.. I did everything for him. I now had to witness their wedding pics all over fb posted by mutual friends and they are expecting their first child together, happy as can be. Where is their Karma?

So I can relate and I am SO sorry you are going through what I had to go through. Sending you hugs and love.


Me: 38
WH: 43 Narcissist
Currently separated

Posts: 32 | Registered: Dec 2013
TheGarden
♀ Member
Member # 40788
Angry  Posted: 10:47 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. I also had a double betrayal (actually a triple betrayal - BFF and her husband were polyamorous and were both in on the affair with my WH). I was also totally clueless about what was going on, and was also attacked and blamed after the fact by BFF and her enabling husband. However, I refused to let them control the narrative in our social group, and I outed the fuck out of all three of them to all of our friends after I found out. I got a lot of social support because I did that, and it made it a lot harder for them to paint me as the bad guy to everyone else we knew.

The double betrayal is one of the worst kinds of affairs, IMO. Not only are you blindsided by your WS, you have nobody else to even turn to in your horror and grief because the other person/people you trusted the most are "in on it". For me personally, it has been the worst thing that ever happened to me in my life. I no longer feel that I can trust other people, am no longer interested in making new friends, and I was quite extroverted and gregarious prior to my husband's affair.

In fact, I am 6 months out now, and even just this morning I was still ruminating about my friend's role in this. She never apologized or even gave me an explanation, just a horrible attacking email telling me what a terrible person I was for not wanting my husband to fuck my friend or to be lied to. 5 year friendship down the drain, and I still have no idea why she or her husband thought it was ok to treat me that way. I kind of wonder now if she just secretly hated me the whole time and was just biding her time until she could find a way to injure me. Because why would anyone do such a thing to anyone they actually liked? It's really crazy-making. It's still making me sick and sad all these months later.

My husband has been a model wayward, very remorseful, went NC in the first week after the affair fog lifted and he never looked back. He now says he feels repulsed by thoughts of her and what he did. We have moved out of the city where it happened, are trying to reconcile, and we do have some good days now along with the bad. But I will never, ever get closure with my friend and her husband. It will haunt me the rest of my days. I cannot imagine ever inviting another female friend over to my house again, hanging out, going on vacation with another woman and my husband, etc. I am 39 years old and will probably never have another female friend again. It's too frightening to me to think about how little we really know people, so I can't risk it. She helped wreck my life, utterly betrayed me as much as my husband did, wounded me to the core, and I can't take another chance on someone like that again.

Anyway, you are not alone here. I am so, so sorry this happened to you. As other people have said to me, your BFF and your husband are vermin. You didn't deserve this. They took advantage of you and your trust. It's not you, it's them.

Down in the section called "I Can Relate", there is a thread for those of us who are (sad, unwilling) members of one of the worst clubs in the world: the Double Betrayal club. Check it out if you feel up to it.

*HUGS*

ON EDIT: By the way, if you want to read my story it's in my profile, and there are many others here who have stories similar to yours. You are not alone, you are not crazy, and you weren't the first or only person this has happened to. Plenty of good people are betrayed by sick, unethical assholes with emotional problems - people who have good marriages, bad marriages, young, old, sick, healthy, beautiful, whatever. Being a "certain kind of person" or having a "certain kind of marriage" is never any proof against infidelity. It's NOT about you. It's ALWAYS about them and their shitty coping mechanisms.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 11:18 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Me: BW, 39, Him: WH, 43; married 9 years, together 13 years
DDay:July 2013; EA progressing to a PA
APs: ex-"friend" & her enabling polyamorous husband
Status: Dual-income-no-kids, 2 cats, taking it day-by-day, married till we're not

Posts: 61 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. What a horrible thing to happen to you.

Eventually, the truth will come out. And behind closed doors certain people know and are just not talking to you yet.

I agree with saying your truth, and outing them. Also, get yourself to a lawyer ASAP so you can contain the financial damage.

You are not alone anymore. You have us now. Please count on us to share our hard earned wisdom. There are many much wiser people who will be along soon.

(((Hugs)))

PS.....If you can get yourself to a counselor. You need an in person rock right now.


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2707 | Registered: Jan 2010
Deanna
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not alone. My husband had an affair with a good friend of mine. Or should I say who I thought was a good friend. Double betrayal stings. Her daughter was in my sisters wedding. Oh, I forgot to mention she was my sisters best friend and his first girlfriend. We also worked together.
So, people ask about her at work, whenever we run into one of my husbands HS friends I pray they don't mention her, she is years of photos of my sisters. She works 100 yards from my home. The list goes on and on.
It will get easier as time goes on. I am so sorry you are here. You can PM me if you ever need to talk!


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1460 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
Hatemyhusband
Member
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. That's a nitemare worse than any I've heard. My husband shacked up w my friend for two years. I know that pain. But he only had an A and doesn't want her. (So he says)
Anyhow, cancer, kids, divorce is too much. Please be strong. and pray. That's the only hope I can offer. Prayer.

Posts: 352 | Registered: Dec 2013
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First thing's first. GET A LAWYER. You need to protect yourself legaly from these horrible people. Get a good lawyer and follow their advice.

No contact with both of them. Only speak to your soon to be Ex about the kids and necessary finances. I find texts and emails are good because you have a paper trail for court. Keep it business only. As for the bitch who was your friend, don't waste any time or energy on her.

Next, take care of YOU. I can't imagine going through all of this on top of fighting cancer. I'm not sure from your post. Are you still in treatment or are you in remission? Either way, surround yourself with people who love and support you.

I would say that "I've been there, done that" but my follow up mammogram turned out okay. But I DO know the pain of a double betrayal. Believe it or not, it does get better. It sure as hell can't get any worse.

((hugs))


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1860 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
titanium76
♀ New Member
Member # 41823
Default  Posted: 1:22 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW!!!!! Is so so nice to have support and advice from people who "no" exactley what im feeling. Thanx so much!

My nights consist of racing mind, no sleep, closing my eyes n seeing her face n then dreams of them both. Wake up everyday back to emotionally state i started n takes me mist of the day to pull together again.... So your posts really helped. Went out shopping this morning feeling "ok" and even half in control n then....... Came face to face with her!!! We live in a small town, only 5000 people so i see her everywhere. She has never been well liked in the 12 years she has lived here n after this she is now hated. I have 99 percent of the towns support but amazingly she walks around with her head held high like she has done nothing. She has talked to more people in the last 3 weeks then she has the whole time she has lived here n what i have found is that even though people dont like her n support me they say nothing. Dont like confrontation i guess, i dont no. He has stored his things at a friends house but stays with her every night BUT they are telling everyone, even there families that they are just friends!! Everyone except me n my children who have constantley heard frombith of them that they are together. Im so sick of the lies. Last week, on my sons 3rd birthday he told me that with my cancer i probably wont be around in a years time n wouldnt i want someone like her who loves my kids to take over as their mother. OMFG, worst worst thing he could of said. I have cut all contact with him, only texting back answers regarding kids n am looking for the best lawyer i can. Im going for all i can get to ensure (in case nything does happen to me) that they will not have my children. What it did make me see though more than anything is that he has NO emotion towards me at all, none!!! Is so very unlike him, i have known him for 27 years n he most definately loved me once, i would say mire than nything, what the hell happened. We fell apart, lost yhe connection n i take half responsability for the end of us, BUT to be planning for my funeral, what the.....!

He doesnt get the emotion out of me i guess because i am so used to his hurt but SHE gets every emotion i have n i just hate it. I hate her more than i knew was humanly possible n yet i have times when without her ( or the person i thought she was) i dont no how ill go on. She pushed away every good friend n family member i had ova the years as she is very possessive n somehow managed to make herself the centre of both my n my husbands world. I have been told for at least the last 4 years that she was only after him but i stuck by her. I have amazing friends n lots of support that have all rallyed around me now she is gone but its just not the same feeling. Mmm, i so want that special connection (although a real one this time), n i miss it so much. Then i see her n the anger i feel is totally overwhelming, like nothing i have ever felt. I hope and pray that it doesnt work between them n he finds someone else, a lifetime if her is not even something i can contemplate!! What is your experiences with how long or whether these type of relationships last??


Posts: 5 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Australia
Johnswife
New Member
Member # 41821
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS. Didn't find out for 25 yrs but it feels like it happened yesterday. My WS did not sleep with my BF, but an acquaintance. The pain of this can't even touch the pain I went through when I lost my BF 23 years ago. It had nothing to do with my WS, whom I have been with for 32 years.

I ached for the person I trusted with my life, the keeper of my secrets, the anchor that held me down, when I thought I might just blow away. It was the single most painful event of my life.

Another FF told her something I had said, never meaning to hurt her, and she came to me and calmly said "I can't be friends with you". I was devastated. I've run that conversation through my mind a million times.

I was friends with her 14 yrs. I have two best friends now, both for 23 years. I thought I would never have a bond like that with anyone, but now I have 2. I survived a divorce with my 1st H, my current H ONS, but nothing compares to the pain of losing you BF. just know, 1st, clearly the value you put on the friendship, she did not share, second, what she took fom you is a man who would cheat, lie and turn his back on those he loves. What did he get? A disloyal woman who can't be trusted by anyone! It will take time (I know it moves slow) but it moves and it moves you into a new life with new happiness, new friends and new true love.

Good luck to you and your beautiful children and never give up hope for change.


Posts: 11 | Registered: Dec 2013
mefirst
♀ Member
Member # 13135
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with tooaloof completely - surround yourself with support systems (family, other friends), and gain strength from their love. You definitely need to protect yourself - start the process by shutting down access to financials. Get an attorney. And for goodness sake - understand that he and she MUST re-write your marital history in order to 'validate' their clearly immoral relationship. Therefore, recognize that nothing they say is the truth and no one will believe their bullshit. Keep your head high, don't respond to their stupid accusatoins or ridiculous assertions. No one will believe them. No one.

And get that attorney going now.


Courage is not the absence of fear; it's acting in the face of fear.

Posts: 905 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Arizona
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Titanium - You are certainly dealing with more than any human should have to.

Please try to realize that your BF was not what you believed her to be. That relationship was not what it was presented to be. She never was capable of feeling the bond that you did, because she is a sad broken shell of a person. You deserve much more. But its up to you to get it. Please protect yourself and get a shark of an attorney, and find out how to protect yourself, your kids, and any assets you may have.

Know that your H too will end up betrayed hurt and broken as well. A person like her is incapable of not continuing to hurt others, and since she has recently traveled the D road will be there helping him every step of the way. Thus the lies and propaganda they are promoting right now.

Know that Karma is a real bitch, and it will get them. In the meantime protect you.

Keep reading, keep posting, protect yourself and stay strong.

(((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8705 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last week, on my sons 3rd birthday he told me that with my cancer i probably wont be around in a years time n wouldnt i want someone like her who loves my kids to take over as their mother

How DARE your WH say that to you!! They've made wonderful advances in breast cancer treatment. I don't know your prognosis, but this is the worst thing I've ever heard. Now you HAVE to survive, just to spite them.

“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”

― Mark Twain


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1860 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Topic Posts: 34
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