When she lost her job I helped her get another one with a friend. She embezzled from them. I defended her for over a year. I could not believe she had done this, but she had.
At the same time I discovered that she had stolen the money I found out she was cheating on her husband and had used me as an alibi.
It was such a betrayal yet I still missed her very much. I haven't seen her in 25 years and have no idea where she is.
YOU dint let anything happen. You are the victim of two cold hearted pieces of shit.
^^^^^^REMEMBER THIS.....EACH AND EVERY DAY!
Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.
Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.
My WS has recently moved into his own place which i initially i thought was positive step as it gives him access to our kids and also means he has time away from her. Turns out it was just a screen though as he only stays at his house the one night a week that he has our kids and the rest of the time he lives with her and her kids. Im in contact with her ex husband here and there and he tells me his kids are extremely unhappy and are really struggling having him living in their home. They both are aware of just have unhappy all 4 kids are - our 2 and also her 2 but they dont care - he says to me constantly that he is living for himself and the kids will just have to learn to live with it- i will not be dictated to is his words. I have spent months explaining that my daughter who has just turned 11 is not trying to dictate to him but could he please understand that she looked open my ex BFF as her second mother, she loved and trusted her the same way i did and now she feels totaly betrayed and hurt. He says he has done nothing wrong and for the first time in his life he is truly happy and i need to just move on and get on with my life. WOW!!!!!!! This relationship was 27 years and apparently i need to just flick a switch and deal with the hurt.
Saying this though my pain, hurt, anger and confusion is ALL coming from her. The hatred is so strong and overwhelming most of the time BUT then i have those moments when im home alone and her/our favourite song comes on and i just lose it- i hate to admit it but i still miss her- it seems to be an ache i cant let go and trust me i am trying. I sooo need to be rid of her and being in such a small town i see her every single day- mainly just from the car but still it wrecks the rest of my day in a instant. Have thought about moving away but it is even scarier atm.
He told me 3 weeks ago that the relationship is not going that well and that it is pretty much doomed from the start really. He made comment that his life is extremley unhappy and that he doesnt know if he even wants to go on in life. But then in the next breath he tells me that she is the one person who understands him (better than me he says- ha), and that he is truly happy?? Such confiding thoughts and i have no idea why he is telling me this. I have made it very clear that i will never have a relationship with him again and that i want him to be happy- just not with her. I struggle to actually understand how these 2 people who i believed truly loved me can inflict SO much pain and hurt and then just go about there lives happily. I have asked for answers but he says he doesnt owe me any answers.
This is just so hard - i find him weak and pathetic and i finally realise the person i thought was not capable of cheating and lying has been doing just that for a very long time. He denied it at first but he is starting to deny it less and less now. I find her HARD- she is so cold and manipulating and has hurt me like i couldnt even imagine was possible but i still cant let go. I have had no contact with her at all but i no if she walked in the door right now i would fall to pieces. That is what i hate so much- i need to be strong enough to reject her
I too have survived and continue to survive a double betrayal. Although having read your story I feel almost lucky not to be dealing with a serious illness on top of it all.
This double betrayal business is in a class of its own. There is a thread on SI under "I can relate" which deals in particular with double betrayal. One of the women in my saga was my dear friend and neighbor, a woman who I had known for 15 years, shared confidences with, held her in my arms when her parents died, took care of her children when she needed me to etc. All the time she was screwing my idiot H (now ex H).
It is mind boggling how these people can do it. It must be a form of sociopathy. That is all I can say. Unfortunately it is not unusual if you read some of the stories on SI.
Oh honey, I don't really know what to say except that 3 years on in my case, it does get a little better. I hope you are having counseling to deal with this. I started having counseling a week after D-Day and without it I would have been admitted to a psychiatric facility.
I think it is quite normal to "miss" the AP in a double betrayal. Your best friend, whether male or female is just not supposed to do that to do. It goes against the very basic foundation of friendship, trust and integrity. A close friendship is supposed to be considered as sacred, not something to use as an opportunity to destroy someone else. Unbelievable.
Your H is a bastard to be discussing your possible demise and the plans he has in place. Quite frankly he needs serious psychiatric help.
PM me if you need to anytime.
Keep posting so we know you are OK.
The feelings of confusion and hurt, even hate, last a while. Double betrayal is especially hard to process, because the betrayer uses their inside knowledge of you, to hurt you. That makes it especially personal and complicated.
Over the years, I have found that the betrayal at the hands of my so called friends, is harder to deal with. Many of us wouldn't even consider doing this kind of thing to a complete stranger. I wouldn't even do this to someone I disliked.
I can not fathom that your best friend or your WH would gamble with your life, while you were fighting to save it. In my eyes, that takes cold hearted to a new level.
She makes a much better enemy than she does a friend.
One way you can build the strength to reject her, is took at her for who she is, no what you believed she was. But now she has removed her mask and shown you the real her. It's going to take some time to mourn the loss of the friendship you believed you had.
This was no friend. She was a wolf in sheep's clothing. She is toxic and would rather keep you sick. Adding this kind of stress into your life, after your sickness, is the lowest of low.
Try think of her as a sickness, that needs to be removed from your life. She's been feeding off of you, and taking from you, and the only way to end that, is to cut her off from your heart, and your mind.
Keep NC with her, even in thought. You could learn some techniques to do this in IC.
I also recommend limiting contact with your WH as much as possible. His access to you and discussions about anything other than the children and finances, continue to hurt you, and provide a way for you to mentally attach to thoughts of your fakefriend.
I don't know if you are posting in the forum for divorce/separation, but since you are living separately, you might draw some strength from their experiences. I think those folks might be able to help you through the challenges of necessary communication with your WH.
You deserve to be healthy, happy and surrounded by people who love you.
My healing only started once he moved out - I said started, but I didn't really start to feel peace and even moments of joy, until I STOPPED contact with STBXH and XBFF.
I didn't listen to anyone that told me to focus on me, to focus on the kids, I honestly didn't understand how could people tell me that - when I was so hurt. But do you know why I was so hurt? Because I LET him continue to hurt me, I continued to let him in my life, to be nice to him, to even invite him to our kids parties, etc. I don't know what I was hoping for, but whatever it was - WH, just never came through for me, therefore, it was like a new hurt every time.
Tell yourself this phrase - No Contact = no new hurt.
Say this phrase out loud every time you think about picking up the phone to call him or her, every time you look at their Facebook pages, or ask the kids what they did at his house. STOP all of that, I know it takes time and practice, but if you keep doing it, you'll get good at it.
Every time both of them do something - so that they can get a *reaction* out of you, ignore them.
Don't do anything to *destroy* their relationship, in time they will do it all by themselves, and when your husband will want to come back (and he will) - YOU will be strong enough, to not accept to being his SECOND CHOICE.
Ask yourself, do you really want to be second choice? Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man that does not LOVE you or respect you?
YOU CAN DO THIS!
..another 'double betrayal' member here..
same situation.. HS sweathearts.. together 20+ years.. 2 kids 11 and 3 when I first found out back in 1987. Lied to about the extent of their betrayal..
,,bfOM was friend since Boy Scouts..
..just to let you know that the 'Karma Bus' does keep rollin' along and made a stop at bfOM's house.. dropped a whomp-ass brain tumour on him at 57.. took a year to finish him off.. oh, how I love seeing God's justice at work.
..so have faith.. he and your so-called friend will get their come-upance.. be patient!
sending prayers to you and your little ones..
[This message edited by somanyyears at 12:16 PM, March 10th (Monday)]
You are living in Hell right now. WH and the HO that you trusted as your BFF will get hit by the Karma bus. Their relationship is built upon lies, betrayal, evil and all bad things.
You, on the other hand are goodness and light. You trusted, you loved, you got hurt.
I know you have to have contact with this piece of shit man about your kids. Fine. Don't have any more contact with him. Make it ONLY about the kids. Don't give him any room to tell you how things are going with him and the HO. You are NOT his friend! He lost the right to have you as a friend and anything else. NC 100%
As for the HO Fake BFF, 100% NC. EVER. Not even about the kids. When you start missing her, picture her face as the wicked witch or as a creature slowly turning into a demon from the depths of hell. Bitch is too kind of a word for her.
I think if you could move just one town away it could be good. One town. Get a fresh start. You wouldn't have to see the DEMONHO and WH everyday driving around. That alone could improve the quality of your life. Be with family and "true" friends who really care about you and also make some new ones when you are ready.
Focus on your healing. I hope the tests went well for you in January. Fight! Fight! Fight! I don't know what your spirituality is but I will be praying for you.
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
The only thing that has pulled me through is my faith in God. I don't know whether you and your children are in church or not. But our church has circled around my children and myself and loved us and covered us in prayer. Dig into your faith. I remember being told that I would come out of this a stronger person. I didn't believe it. But I can see now that I am getting stronger, I just still have more healing to do. The further out you get, the more clearly you see things. I never realized the emotional and verbal abuse that my kids and I endured. I will never live like that again. And if that means I am by myself forever, so be it. My life will at least be authentic.
I trust by now you have an attorney. Mine told me early on that she would handle the financial side of the divorce and that I had to handle the emotional side. That's true. Get yourself and your kids into counseling. There are free family counseling options where we are. We have seen both the free ones and ones that I pay.
Go no contact except by text or email about kids.
If you are uncertain to what extent they will go to hurt you, then always have a witness with you when you will be around them in public. My xbff had me arrested and another OW had my mugshot posted on my STBXWH Facebook within 30 mins... It was absurd. Then my xbff sued me civically over it. Talk about running up legal fees... You have to fight for yourself and your kids. My criminal case was dismissed without any court cost to me and the same week her civil suit was thrown out. But all of that to say, have someone with you to be a witness for you. Seems you don't even have to do anything and you can be arrested. Unremorseful waywards are cruel and heartless.
And as hard as it will be, try to always take the high road. You have to give your kids one parent they can look to for guidance. Don't talk smack about them. I don't cover for them. But I don't bad mouth them either. It will reflect on you. People are watching whether you know it or not. If you can keep it together, then everyone will see that you are the sane one and that you truly have your kids best interest at heart.
We try mediation in a little over a month. I would love to get some closure. But I won't settle for what's less than fair.
Seriously, cling to your bible and learn His truths for you and your children. He will be faithful.