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User Topic: The "Just a friend issue"
darklilly23
♀ New Member
Member # 39457
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, I thought I would start a new thread for people going through the "Just a friend fallacy"

I my marriage was in great danger while my stbxh was playing with the fire of an old flame. He gaslit me for a decade telling me that I was insure having a problem with his "just a friend"

Now he is living with her in another state.

Have you are anyone you known had to deal with this slippery two faced issue?

Was "just a friend" "just a lie"?


Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His A was a "just friend" issue. It went on for about 2 years early on he would talk to me about her and tell me about her. At that time, she worked over 1 hour away, but he would have to make some site visits. As time moved on, that site was closed and she moved closer to the primary work site. He started dropping by daily to her new temporary work site. She even would get advice from him to openings for permanent work sites. She called our house once for home IT advice.

As the relationship got deeper, he started texting her during our home time. He used the just friends crap. I asked not during our time, but they couldn't quit. I told him I wanted it to stop and we was ready to D if I was going to tell him who he could be friends with. He moved on to he was supporting her because her marriage was so bad...she was suicidal...etc. You get the idea. Long story short...after begging, crying, pleading etc on my part, he still wouldn't quit. I knew in my heart it went to a PA. I found an old email that rammed a nail through my heart. That was it.

I was ready for a D at that time. We ended up going through R, but I could never break the just friends mentality while it was just friends. Even gave him info on EA's, that was shared with her and ignored. Unfortunately, it has permanently damaged our M. while we are R'ing, to me our M will never be the same. I will never be the same.

I did not find a way to successfully navigate the just friends situation while that part of our marriage was salvageable. The pain even now that he would D me for a friendship is pretty overwhelming.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If they have to add 'just' before 'a friend' it is a fallacy. When they add deleting texts, hiding the relationship etc then its cheating.

But then I don't have sex with my 'friends' so my view might be somewhat jaded


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 740 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
darklilly23
♀ New Member
Member # 39457
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry guys, I know how painful this is.
Thank you for your input, I have felt crazy for so long...

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
HurtsButImOK
♀ Member
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you darklilly.

I did so many mental gymnastics to try and believe what he said. It kept me trapped for over a decade and killed my soul and self esteem. I wish I knew then what I know now. Alas I didn't so will commit myself to doing better now that I know better.

((darklilly)) it is crazy making the shit we have to deal with.


Me: Awesome - 35

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be". –


Posts: 740 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
stunnedin12
♀ Member
Member # 38141
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a friend was just a lie ---

Just a friend had me calling a lawyer.

After "just a friend" came into our marriage, "just a kiss", blah, blah, blah came into our marriage too.


ME - Betrayed Spouse
Him - Wayward spouse
Not sure, but trying I guess.

Posts: 471 | Registered: Jan 2013
headdesk
♀ Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH was with 'just a friend' who was placing his hands on her breasts, kissing him, sexting with him.

I asked him when he was TTing and minimizing if he would treat one of his male friends like her. At least he was honest enough to say no.


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
darklilly23
♀ New Member
Member # 39457
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am thinking about starting a blog about this topic, if you know of any other members please direct them to me.

Do you guys think that such a blog would be useful?
I am trying to build momentum.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got hit with two "just friends". He had sex with both of them.

What type of "momentum" are you looking for? And for the life of me why would you want to blog about this? It sucks and hurts and makes you feel like you are crazy.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6564 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
darklilly23
♀ New Member
Member # 39457
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am looking to put out some information that would be available to someone that is doubting their sanity over this stuff.

Something that I wish was easer to find when I was going through it.

BTW I am sorry for your "x2 just friends"
I know how crazy it makes people feel.

[This message edited by darklilly23 at 7:45 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh my. When my husband's AP,an old high school friend, initially contacted him, it must have been clear that she was after him. He told her they could never be more than "just friends."

Once they were "together," it became a joke between them. "Hi, Friend." That sort of thing, apparently. Who knows what else.

He literally blanched when I showed him the book, "Not Just Friends." The title alone was a trigger for him.


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Nov 2010
darklilly23
♀ New Member
Member # 39457
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah Sudra, I tryed to get my stbx to read not just friends and he said, " No abosoululy not, why would I want to read something that was telling me I am wrong?"

Omg, lol...


Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
kra127
Member
Member # 41045
Default  Posted: 8:00 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes I have the "just a friend" issue too. Funny how this "friend" knows how dissatisfied he was with our sex life, how he said he would never divorce me, how unhappy he was etc. Oh and she also sent LOTS of naked pics of herself. Last time I checked, none of my friends have ever done that.


Me 40
WS 39
2 young kids, Married 10 yrs
OW 22, admitted to EA and then TT to PA two weeks later. Also, found out about several "friends".
Dday 10/8/13
Divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Oct 2013
darklilly23
♀ New Member
Member # 39457
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kral,

Yep the OW had asked if it was ok to call him because she was getting a divorce? She knew d@mn good and well that this stuff almost broke WH and I up the last time it happend.

So she sent WS photos of her new "divorce tattoo"

If she was concerned about the marriage I doubt she would be sending photos(which WS quickly deleted)


Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why the heck to folks turn to old friends, now MARRIED, to look for a new spouse when their marriage goes bad (or even when it doesn't)?

If the old boyfriend/girlfriend wasn't worth staying with back then, why do they want to have an affair with that person years later when they are married to others?

[This message edited by sudra at 8:10 PM, December 29th (Sunday)]


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Nov 2010
darklilly23
♀ New Member
Member # 39457
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can figure out is that some people are to chicken to truly step up to the plate of commitment .

Always keeping a plan B in their pocket.

Then when the spouse threatens that security blanket , then the BS becomes plan B.

Just something weird I have observed.


Posts: 33 | Registered: Jun 2013
kourt090
♀ Member
Member # 34926
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went through this also. MOW was "just a friend" who was only texting WH for "work related" reasons. Like HBIO said, if "just" goes before friend, that is a huge red flag.


Kourt090

Posts: 292 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Utah
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 8:30 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

darklilly,

You have a PM.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37757 | Registered: Sep 2007
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DarkLily

I hear you.
My WH latest OW was just a friend until I found naked pictures of her posing in our bathroom and in and about marital home.

The comment your WH made when you asked him to read Not Just Friends" is truly an OMG moment.

My WH defense was his OW was 1/2 his age so how could I even think he thought of her "that way"
Don't know about any other BS, but I don't get naked with friends. Sorry he was busted. Pictures don't lie.


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 615 | Registered: Jul 2012
mightsurvive
♀ New Member
Member # 38794
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was also given the "just friends"/all for work excuse. Then I found several inappropriate phone messages....hmmm I never spoke like that to coworkers or called their personal cell numbers multiple times daily


BW 37-me
WH 40
Kids
Dday Dec 2011
Reconciling

Posts: 48 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 20

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