Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: spaceplease (45329)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Retrouvaille, for us?
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi bionicgal....we are going Feb 6-8th.....I am a bit nervous about it....but am very ready for this.

We are currently seeing a very expensive ($110 for 45 minutes) MC....she is much better than our original one ($70 per 60 minutes for her) but I still get this feeling that it will be at least 10 more weeks before results are felt.

Todays session was structured and I get a sense she has a plan for us....two things our old MC never really did for us. But I still struggle with the thought...."$110 per session better kick us in the ass and get on down this road!"....feeling.

Today a part of me felt like a college transfer station that my new advisor treated me like a freshman. Some of the stuff she suggested we try, we have tried for 12 months. I guess we just didnt do it well?

Yeah, a part of me still needs to mature and be patient.

Asked our MC today how long she invisions us working with her....."Typically 10-12 sessions". So that is another $1,100 to $1,200.....on top of the $4k-$5k we already spent on 12 months of MC, IC and one Weekend to Remember!

But God calls us to perservere, and we are blessed to have the resources to do this, and I realize it is NOT blakesteele's or mrs. blakesteele's resources...it is ultimately all God's resources. And I beleive it is good stewardship of His resources to do all we can to protect and nurture our M and family. And I don't believe in coincidences....so our path is what it is. I also believe we have a role in this....that God does expect us to have faith and trust Him, but we also must pay attention and choose wisely in the present.

So the $600 plus it will cost us for Retrovaille is a small price to pay really......

I Still also fight the feeling that this would have been easier had the A not happened.....but that is a waste of energy....too many variables to second guess our journey anyway.

I am very ready for Retrovaille....and pray it will be as beneficial as those who have been say it is.

I do get a sense from my wife that she is ready as well.....and that is a change from the time period we went to the Weekend To Remember event.....some of that effort was wasted on us because we were not in a spot to be opened to changing really.

NOTE: For those going to Weekend to Remember event.....at the end of the last day they have a "group renewing of vows"....wife and I should NOT have done it....but felt trapped. We were not ready to do this and it did not help us. So be prepared for this and ONLY do it if your heart is in it. This is the ONLY complaint I have about that weekend. I guess if you weren't wrestling with the pain of adultery....contemplating D....just arguing about who left the toilet seat up kind of communication issues...this part of the program would be a "no brainer".

I will post my impression after I have a bit to digest it....sounds like it is mentally tiring.

We expect it will take us a bit longer to get to all the follow-up sessions due to firm, already scheduled Saturday activities.


God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:18 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3965 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good to read this post again.

Sistermilkshake....I put a lot of stock into what you say and post....even though I don't always agree with them, I do respect your posts and they resonate with me.

As far as costs go....Retrovaille is really on the lower end. I have seen 3 day courses run $3k and up....they look fantastic but we could not swing that.

Peace.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3965 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so glad that you went, 2B1again! I think that Blakesteele is going to go the first or second weekend in February, if memory serves me right.

Listen, as far as the financials go, donate what you can. Some people are in the position to donate a lot and do. Some can't beyond the base price. We donated enough to fund another couple's weekend, but we did it in two donations so that we could spread out the cost.

Morhurt, the post sessions very, very important. Can you talk to the registrar and see if they might be offered closer to where you live or, if not, if there is a CORE group in your area that you can link up with? If there is any possibility of helping you out, they will do so. We have people that drove 2.5 hrs one way to go to our post sessions, and they still drive the same distance to go to our CORE group meetings, which are monthly meetings that are available. They have closer CORE groups to them, but they really bonded with our group and I love seeing them!

Also, remember. Anyone who has done a weekend. You can go back and do the weekend again with no problem if you feel like you need to. You can attend any or all post sessions free of charge too if you feel like you need or want to. If you don't feel like you got everything from the sessions, or if you want a tune up, or you feel that you need to hear a certain message again, or you just plain miss a session, you can go to another one with no problems. I've attended other post sessions to hear a message again and to make up one that I missed and was welcomed with open arms!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:59 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Skan,
Sigh... There just don't seem to be ANY around us. :( I'll keep looking but so far it's been discouraging. From mid Oct until almost Xmas we made weekly trips of 3 hrs each way to take our daughter to her specialist... It's hard to imagine a ton more driving I guess. Though I never question it for the kids, why would I question it for us?


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:05 PM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck Blakesteele! We go the weekend of Valentine's Day.. Was a little worried that things were humming along a little too well, and then the universe kicked my butt tonight.

Mr.Bionicgal says he is excited about the weekend. . .not sure where my old husband went.

P.S. BS, you'd be shocked to know that I really don't know how much our MC charges. . .just the price for being married for us right now!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:07 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:18 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

we made weekly trips of 3 hrs each way to take our daughter to her specialist... It's hard to imagine a ton more driving I guess. Though I never question it for the kids, why would I question it for us?

Odd, isn't it Morhurt? We have a $350 expense with regards to our eldest daughter ..... Not a thought in my head about the expense . $110 for 45 minute session and I think think think about it!!!!

P.S. BS, you'd be shocked to know that I really don't know how much our MC charges. . .just the price for being married for us right now!

BUT, as bionicgal stated, this is the price to stay married . We have proven we need help to make this M work.

To be clear I would liquidate all of our assets to tend to our M.....it's just a ton of work and money......I get tired and grumpy still......guess this means I still need more training.

Weekly MC, continued engagement with my wife , retrovaille in 1 week, and some "just for fun" things thrown in there are part if that training.


Skan.......how did you know you were strong enough to help out with retrovaille?


God help us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3965 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:20 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Praying for you guys too Bionicgal and Mr Bionicgal .


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3965 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's great to see such support for this program. My wife and I are signed up for Feb 28-Mar 2. I am very excited and am looking forward to it. I can tell she is still nervous about it some.

guess this means I still need more training.

blakesteele have you read Passionate Marriage by Dr. David Schnarch? The book is about marriage and intimacy, but it helps you deal with it on a individual/self basis. I have found that it has helped me a lot. I'm reading another one of his books right now, called Intimacy and Desire... I'm about 1/2 way through it, but it has a lot of the same underlying points that Passionate Marriage has.


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2013
spond
♂ Member
Member # 41686
Default  Posted: 6:53 AM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck and praying for the best for Mr.& Mrs. blakesteele and Mr.& Mrs. bionicgal.

I can't wait to hear back from you both about the weekend!


BH(me) | fWW
2 Kids - Married 2002
D-Day TT & EA | D-Day #2 PA
Reconciling

Posts: 412 | Registered: Dec 2013
2B1again
♂ New Member
Member # 40703
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife and I just returned from our first post session. This past week "Post Weekend" has been a very difficult emotional rollercoaster of a week for both of us. We both recommend scheduling the day off from work and anything else that will impede emotional recuperation the Monday after the weekend. The Retrouvaille "bubble" broke for my wife on Monday afternoon, and as we discovered today in the post session this was not an uncommon occurrence for our group. I can't stress enough how important it is do fully commit to the Retrouvaille program and the post sessions to fully benefit. Today's post session was good for us; the sharing of the other couples in the group is optional and is very minimal, but it has significant impact for the group. We are determined to give this our best effort and we have left our session feeling positive and confident that we are gaining skills to prevail. Incidentally only one couple didn't make it to our post session today on Super Bowl Sunday and we are all from the Northwest!


me- WH 51
her-BS 49
DS(26) DD(23)
Married 27 years
LTA 4yrs
DD1 1/2010
False R
DD2 8/2013

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: NW US
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH's IC recommended Retrouvaille for us last year and we put it off as I didn't think we were ready. In our case, it was probably a good decision.
I'm more open to it now and there is opportunity near us.
I'm curious, however, about the post sessions. The one near us has post sessions listed every weekend from now through May. Is it expected to go to all? Some? I'm so unclear.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are going the weekend of Feb 6th. No suggested donation. $350 down, $200 due on arrival. Fingers crossed.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3649 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
PinkJeepLady
♀ Member
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I posted my experience this morning, but just want to add something.
I feel like what I learned and experienced in Retro changed me for the better. Even if our marriage didn't survive I believe I would be a stronger, calmer person for having gone. The skills learned can translate to many relationships.
My H and I want to share some of the concepts with our daughter who is getting engaged (and her boyfriend of course!). So, I think it's for everyone.
We felt that the money was the best investment we have made. So worth the time and effort!
So yes, it's for YOU BOTH!


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 489 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are making me think I should go. LOL Hmmm...


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There seems to be a range in costs. Orlando quotes $150 registration and then a donation. Tampa says $200 plus donation. Other places, I notice, are higher.
And I did email and got a response concerning follow up sessions. The person who answered me said that the follow up sessions in our area were held the six consecutive Sunday afternoons following the weekends, then a once a month tune ups. The six immediately after the weekend were considered as a primary part of it. The tune ups were encouraged but not mandatory.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
FoggedIn
♀ Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's comments about it being "too soon" for some of you.

How do you know it's too soon? What are the 'too soon" signs? Or what specific issues would you say make it not optimal?


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
FoggedIn
♀ Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Any other Retrouvaille threads that anyone is aware of?


D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too soon for us was WH still not being 100% real with himself and not realizing it. I wasn't even considering wasting the time trying to develop communication skills with someone who thought I was overreacting to him lying. He was a significant danger to my healing.
He's different now- and has had several clarity producing realizations and reality checks. He's a year further in IC and is becoming a real person. We are talking about attending now.

There are several Retrouvaille threads that I've read, but I can't remember how long ago- someone will post the links, hopefully


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly the way to think about it. If your child needed you to make this drive once a week, for two months, to regain his/her health, no parent would hesitate. You just can't hesitate to make the time for the health of your marriage either. Equally as important.

SoVerySad, the post-sessions build upon your weekend and give you a group that you can choose to participate with or just sit and listen to, while you are also doing your exercises. The post-sessions also allow you to PRACTICE the techniques you've learned, and to expand them. One for-instance, is on conflict resolution. We use that technique a lot because, well, it works! If you have to miss a class (we did), then you can make it up when another group is having their post-sessions.

And the once a month tune-ups are the CORE sessions. Which we go to often just hosted one here and fed everyone homemade enchiladas.

As to the cost, here it's $200 to register and then they ask you to cover more of the actual costs at the end of the weekend. Prices will vary because pretty much all of the money goes into the hotel rooms, food, and the material copying costs. As I understand it, they don't pay the presenting couples they do it as volunteers. So in this region, the total cost per couple is around $600. In another region it may be less. In this region, we also have a lot of people who donate more than the $600 to the program so as to help other people be funded we did. And we got a tax-donation letter for our use about a week ago. Retrouvaille is a legal charitable organization so you can make tax-deductible donations to it.

Blakesteele, it was a process, deciding that we were ready to help. I found out about my FWHs collection of hidden Porn in our house while we were in post-sessions. We ended our post-sessions without me being able to say that we definitely were going to be a married couple. I sat through a couple of these sessions like a zombie, with tears coming and going. We were through our post-sessions when I enforced our in-house separation and planned to have him served. I credit Retrouvaille with giving us the tools to try to talk to each other with feelings and with empathy as a very large, if not the most, important part of us being able to find our way back to each other. Without the tools, I do not think that we would have been able to open ourselves back up to each other at all. So, we owe it a lot. We are also Martha's and not Mary's. We work. We're the couple in the background doing setup and breakdown. So being as the group is run by volunteers, we wanted to be a part of that, to say thank you and to support other couples. Hence us deciding to spend the month of both our 2-year antiversary, and the day that we celebrate as our new marriage anniversary, volunteering to help. That weekend happens to fall exactly between those two dates, which is rather neat.

And that IS the thing about Retrouvaille, if you think that it's too soon, or that you'll be the only person in crisis there, or that you'll be stared at for crying. Everyone there is broken. Everyone there has been broken some are healed. Many are on different parts of the path which can lead to healing or to separation. I felt like a complete failure because we had SUCH great personal struggles during the post-sessions. But everyone has struggles you just don't always see it. And one of the things that we were thanked for, by several members of the couples who we got to know, was that we didn't sugarcoat it, we didn't hide it, we were upfront about our struggles as well as our successes. And in some way, that let other struggling couples know that it was OK that they were struggling too. And some couples still are after years. And we'll struggle too. But like SI, we now have another group that IS marriage-oriented, to help us with our struggles. I find it a really great balance.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
SoVerySadNow
♀ Member
Member # 36711
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Skan. That information helps a lot.
The couples there will be lucky to have you.

I wish everyone who will be attending a session soon the best of weekends and communication.


Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

Posts: 1292 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Sunny Florida
Topic Posts: 60
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.