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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Triggers
FracturedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 41792
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel so stupid for asking this....but is there anyway to predict what could possibly be a trigger?
We had a lovely day as a family...laughing together, having fun and suddenly out of nowhere...BOOM!...I start crying and feeling sorry for myself. No one said or did anything upsetting...so why am I crying???


BS-33
FWH-33
Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 09/12/2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: South Africa
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over time, you will start to figure out things that are likely to make you trigger, but honestly, if there's a way to predict all of them, I'll be darned if I've figured it out! I triggered hard last night because I spilled a glass of wine. As you said, just out of no where.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
creativecat
♀ Member
Member # 41728
Default  Posted: 1:56 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've triggered in happy situations because all of a sudden I think, we were just like this when all of WH's actvities were going on all those years! I'm still in the Why/How could you stage, so it comes up for me pretty frequently. Dday#2 for us was only about 5 months ago, so I hope I can get a handle on the triggers soon, too.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Dec 2013
greengiant
♂ Member
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes I think you'll be able to predict what will be, sometime it is just impossible I think. I think it is part of the rollercoster, sometime when it has to go down, it just goes.


ME - BS - 33
fWW - 33
Married 8 years, together 15
3 kids: 6, 4 and 2
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night when I triggered while making meatballs I realized this is going to be a long and bumpy road.

Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately triggers are unpredictable, but what you can do is arm yourself with ways to deal with them when they happen. Sometimes you will be able to control your reaction to triggers by using various techniques, like the stop sign or picturing a box and putting the trigger in it to think about later when you are able to relax and let yourself freak out. I know how hard it is to control these things and honestly most of the time you may not be able to, although as time goes on the triggers will have less of a hold on you. From your registration date it looks like you are pretty close to Dday so everything will be a very hard to control but there will come a time when you are better able to deal with them. I remember a few days after my Dday we took my our son to a museum to try and get some space from what was happening and I sat there staring at the huge trains with tears running down my face and people staring at me. At this point all you can do is be kind to yourself and give yourself permission to be a mess. Hugs FracturedSoul.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read your profile, it looks like you are not new to this rodeo, but I think the same advice applies, they can't be predicted but you can own them by controlling your thoughts as best you can and giving yourself permission to be upset, sometimes when I refuse to acknowledge my trigger and try to simply deny them they just get worse.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
Sadjacey
♀ Member
Member # 41655
Default  Posted: 8:12 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He used Asian prostiitutes - Asian women trigger me. But maybe the hardest is, as others have said, when all seems to be going well, and the thoughts ambush me. Not nice.


Me: BS 59
WH: 60
Married 39 years
Together more than 40
Porn use known since 2005
DDay: 11.24.12 - found emails to prostitute,
Disclosure: TT for months. Still not sure whether I have it all.
DDay 2: 2.20 2014 phone, txt to same prostitute found

Posts: 146 | Registered: Dec 2013
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many triggers. Good things trigger me, silly things, jokes, lines from movies, story lines, watching Good Luck Charlie with DD10, and it's one where lies get them in trouble, triggering me, blond women (also, all over Good Luck Charlie), vanilla ice cream, smells, his text ringtone, (it used to be mine, too, but I had to change it)... Songs... Everything is a potential trigger.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you can predict some, but some are always going to come out of left field.

3 years out, pictures of butterflies always trigger me. (They told each other some shit like they were in cocoons and soon they'd come out as beautiful butterflies. ) There are still surprises, though, and they're the ones that really hurt.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:43 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10336 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, my daughter loves Good Luck Charlie, but that show is apparently a trigger fest for me. Attractive young blondes abound, many episodes involve lying (with consequences), two epis with cheating as the theme, and now, they have a new baby... And his name is the name the prostitute uses as her "stage name". Bad enough? Nope, my dd10 got a new doll, and also named the doll that. And my dd12 apparently has a friend at school with the name. They have said the name like 30 times in the last half hour, and I am ready to freak the fuck out.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
FracturedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 41792
Default  Posted: 4:51 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all...sorry I didn't reply after the post...I forgot to tick the little box that links responses to my email...

Thank you for your responses...I really wish there was some magic trick to predict and deal with triggers...but knowing that it is at least normal (for us as BS's) helps alot!


BS-33
FWH-33
Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 09/12/2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: South Africa
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:05 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

me, too. I think it's just... Time. Sometimes they make me sad, sometimes, scared, and sometimes enraged. But, yeah, i am getting sick of this whole fight or flight bullshizz. Just trying to watch a damn movie is a nightmare.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 13

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