Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: roseyposey (44693)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Seriously screwed up. Help......
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not coming in to pile on but just to say she just gaslit her BS. As a BS you remember what being gaslit felt like right.

Yup. Totally agree.

I have fucked up big time. I know it. It will not happen again. I am in control of that. I will not put myself in a position where it can ever happen again. I have seriously damaged a very good friendship and I will regret that for a very long time.

I have no problem with people being harsh on here. I deserve it. With friends like me who needs enemies.

I said last night that this is the kind of thing that almost killed me but I still allowed it to happen again? I really don't understand that part, it's just not like me at all.

I've personally always had mixed sex friends, when the girls have found partners there are still occasions where we will socialise in or out without their spouses. It's never ever caused an issue.

I will be revisiting that position now though but I have no one to blame but myself. A very hard personal lesson learnt. I most certainly won't be popping across the drive for a natter like I always have done.

I am reading and digesting every single word everyone here has written.

[This message edited by foreverempty at 3:06 PM, December 30th (Monday)]


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

foreverempty,
She also says it will never happen again but did admit she had seen this potential situation build up for about 12 months, of which I had been pretty oblivious too. She had come on to me before when drunk months ago which I very clearly stopped in its tracks and put it down to a one time drunken mistake.
Dude...she's totally trying to set up an A with you. She's come onto you before. This time you responded.
She says she's never done anything like it before in the 19 years they have been together and that it has woken her up to her own issues she needs to deal with, that she is massively in love with her husband and her children and that she has cleared things up with him last night and this morning.
Yeah, I'm going to call bullsh*t on that one. Never done this before? Uh-uh. "Massively in love with her husband"??? Translation - "I don't want to get caught or get slapped with D"

That one is bad news.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3723 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brandon I can't disagree with anything you just pointed out. It certainly does read that way.

I struggle to believe she is like that as she has always been so supportive but maybe I have just been too naive in my reading of the situation.

She won't have an affair with me as I WILL NOT let it happen. If that is what she is looking for that is very sad. She has a wonderful family and I sincerely hope she works through her own issues. She did have quite bad Postnatal depression which she has been medicated and visited counseling for but that has been and gone as far as I'm aware.

I hope this was a one time fuck up for her too and from here on in doesn't let it happen again.

I am sorry I have let so many people down.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle to believe she is like that as she has always been so supportive but maybe I have just been too naive in my reading of the situation.

Obviously, it is time to start believing.
That being said, you will never know as you will never talk to her again - correct?


-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 3:37 PM, December 30th (Monday)]


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9176 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

T2G I'm in an unfortunate position where I can not never see her again. They share a driveway with my parents. The houses look directly into eachother.

They come to every family get together, their children are in the same class as each other in school and they do the same out of school activities which I sometimes have to take my nephew to.

What I can do and what I am in control of is that I won't allow a one on one situation to ever happen again.

Short of them moving home out of the area we will have forced contact for the foreseeable future.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It goes without saying text, phone, Facebook etc NC


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have seriously damaged a very good friendship and I will regret that for a very long time.

Not that what you did was right, but the friendship was over regardless of your actions. You can't be "just friends" with someone who has expressed romantic interest. She came onto you months ago. Boundary crossed, friendship aborted. It's unfortunate that it took you so long to see this, but continuing any relationship at that point is inappropriate.


Posts: 3339 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My concern is that if you keep this quiet but avoid being around her it may get noticed. Clearly she is in self-protection mode so there's no telling what kind of story her BH (or everyone else for that matter) may hear. In other words I'd advise you to get on the record with the truth with the BH and your parents so she doesn't claim she rejected you and that you tried to be inappropriate (or worse) with her. Since you are the one coming off of a breakup I could easily see her painting you as the aggressor "Oh, I was just being nice. You know how foreverempty has been hurting and he just forgot himself. He was drinking. Blah-blah-blah."

Brother, I'm not even kidding. Be careful.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3723 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crescita you are very right.

The 'coming on' to me situation months ago was done via text after we had all been drinking over their house. She again told her husband about it apparently which I believed. She also told my sister, so she was very open about it being a mistake and didn't try to hide it.

I had pretty much forgotten about it and laughed it off at the time.

What a bloody clown!


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brandon that's a pretty scary but ultimately very possible predicament you have just pointed out.

Bizzarly I had already thought about taking the blame full frontal just to try and minimize the damage to their relationship, after all I don't have a great deal to loose by being the bad guy who 'forced the situation'. That's quite sad when I think about it.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In all the time I was with xWW I never once came on to, kissed or made inappropriate advances to anyone despite the long term mental abuse and deliberate physical neglect I went through with her.

Why now do I let myself and everyone else down so badly?


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, wow! This is a really bad situation! I know you aren't going to want to hear a lot of this, but hang in there with me because there are really good reasons for the advice I'm going to dispense.

You HAVE to tell your parents. If you don't, then you're keeping secrets with and for your neighbor's wife. Don't kid yourself because THAT is EXACTLY how As start. One "little" lie, boundaries blurred... the next thing you know, your whole life has imploded. Don't do it! Tell your parents, so they'll understand why you're coming around less often and why you may seem awkward when you do. You don't want them to wonder if it's because of something they did.

You also need to talk to her H. You need to tell him about her expressing her feelings for you in the past, tell him about the kisses, and tell him you're truly sorry for any pain you might have caused him. Then, tell him you'll stay out of his life from now on- and DO it!

I don't believe for a minute that she's never done anything like this before. She did SOMETHING like this when she expressed feelings for you in the past, No? So, we know she's done something like this at least once before. Now, it's twice, that we know of.

The OW in our situation did a LOT of the same stuff. (I'm not discounting my H's role in that, just talking about how the female operated in that relationship) She started by expressing her feelings, trying to get time alone with him, they were "just friends" for a while, she kissed him, told him she'd had her eye on him for a long time, swore she'd NEVER have an A, and here we are, 6 1/2 years post d-day. Let me tell you something about this woman: She's setting you up for an A. (Hell, you ALREADY kissed her- MORE THAN ONCE. That's a PA, you know?) She clearly has no respect for you or herself. If she DID, none of this would have ever happened. After d-day, I told my H that anyone who would ask him to compromise his integrity was clearly NOT his friend. It's the truth, even though you probably don't want to believe that. This woman has spent AT LEAST a year trying to set this whole thing up. With friends like that, who needs enemies, right?

I've had male friends for over 33 years and have NEVER kissed ANY of them, even when we were stupid teenagers. They are like my brothers from other mothers and I would probably barf if one of them even suggested it. But they never have. If they had, they'd be out of my life like last week's trash. I confided to my best friend, also a male, about all of the A stuff, but he was all the way across the country from me and nothing inappropriate was ever said. He was actually very supportive of my trying to reconcile my M. Now, he was TICKED at my H because he also considered him his best friend and he felt that my H had let all of his friends down because they had always looked up to him for his integrity. One of my other friends, in a discussion about his career, said, "At the end of the day, if I don't have my integrity, then I have nothing."- and THAT'S the truth.

From here on, all you can do is tell your parents and her H, stay away from them, move on, and learn from this. The NEXT time a committed female expresses feelings for you, you need to let THAT be the end of your relationship with her- and not let things get so far off track.


Posts: 11599 | Registered: Mar 2008
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, December 30th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That all makes a lot of sense.

I'm in bed now, need to try and get some sleep but I'm massively anxiety flapping so that may not happen.

Anyway, thanks for listening everyone and thanks for all the words of wisdom.

I really wish my IC wasn't away, I really feel like I need to sit down with her and talk about this. She too is going to be really disappointed in me but I need to be open with her. Just checked my diary. 20th February is my next appointment.....!

Night everyone


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read not just friends by Shirley glass.



BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read not just friends by Shirley glass.



BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
PricklePatch
♀ Member
Member # 34041
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read not just friends by Shirley glass.


BS
Fwh
sorry post on my tablet

Posts: 284 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: pricklepatch
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the reminder. I'd forgotten about that book. It was on my reading list long ago now but didn't get around to this. I'll try and get a copy ASAP.

Really conflicted again today. The reality is sinking in even further as to what I've done.

Tonight's possible encounter with them both I think is now averted as I am planning on spending new year night on my own with my dog and a curry and a bit of personal reflection. My parents had invited them over for the evening with the children. Don't know if its even happening but midnight meet ups outside the house would be inevitable and I'd rather avoid the situation. Mum and dad will be fine with it as I'm spending all afternoon with them tomorrow for a meal over the pub by their house.

Can't believe I've let everyone down both friends and family and you guys in here who have supported me for the past 2 years.

What a mess to be starting 2014 in.

Hope you all have a great night though and thanks again.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Rella
♀ Member
Member # 21136
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((foreverempty))),

Let it go... many of us have had to let things like this go. Alcohol is not a good choice (self-medication), and can lead to things that mess us up. You aren't alone, but I am here to tell you that Life Does Go On!

I would seriously consider (in fact, I did) talking to your PCP about antidepressant use along with serious IC- BOTH componenets. And give these time- it isn't a quick fix, but then again there is NO quick fix. The toughest thing is admitting you need help and having the energy to follow through.

(((Hugs)))


Happily Divorced- final in Oct. 2009, Engaged to my True Love in Dec. 2012

When his family jokingly tells you of how "spoiled" HE was as a child, RUN- It doesn't change when they get older!


Posts: 2206 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: New England
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's now on kindle so I've just downloaded it. Will make a start on reading it tonight.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
foreverempty
♂ Member
Member # 34426
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Rella.


Me BS: 35
Her WW: 34
D Day 5th December 2011
Current status: Filled for divorce 23rd Jan 2012. Response from WW was not to beg for forgiveness, but deleting me from Facebook.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: United Kingdom
Topic Posts: 59
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

Return to Forum: New Beginnings Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.