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Newest Member: Everythingsucks1 (45359)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: 5 Months after dray & new dday
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Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's still sleeping in the guest room. Not begging me to come back to our bed, but he comes in to say goodnight. I think in hopes I will ask him to stay. Nope!

He's trying to Nice his way out of this, or Nice this all in the past. We haven't discussed it much lately. I sent him an email asking about the length he had a certain email account. His 'recollection' was about a year off! Say's he just couldn't remember.

So he just walks around with pleasantries and is being so helpful at home. But no real attempts to do the things I've asked of him. Transparency being on the top of that list!

A few weeks ago I considered moving to the R thread, now I just made my first post in the SA thread. This is all a moving target!

Mexico is looking better and better. I think I'd look good on the beach in a sombrero!

D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
♂ Member
Member # 30291
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Asked him for a poly again? He went off, flipped about his 'nervous tick' and how he'd never survive one. Whatever

If he so desperately wanted to prove his "innocence", what better way than to prove it via a poly? Or could it be.....he's uh lying?

The nervous tick part actually made me snort soda through my sorry, what an asshat.

DD 11/28/10
Me (BH)
Her (WS)
Separated and filed (7/13)

Posts: 413 | Registered: Dec 2010
♀ Member
Member # 31386
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And WH is an entirely different person in MC than he is at home. So good at communication and presents himself so "put together".

Oh boy, does that sound familiar. Obviously, I do not know your WS, but certainly could have written this about my XWS. Mine is SA (along with alcoholic/addict/narcissist).

The lying, manipulating, and gaslighting are corrosive behaviors that will destroy you at the core (as if the affairs are not enough to do that). His cocky behavior is very telling. His lack of remorse is deeply disturbing.

I have no advice as to how to handle him. I can tell you trying to deal with a remorseless liar will hurt you. I hung in there for too long, held on to na´ve hopes for too long. I am now jaded and cynical...not something I am proud of or enjoy, but it is the result of my mucking around in his f'ed up ways far too long.

Like you, I was a take charge kind of gal. I am not sure that served me well with him. I wish I had been more of a "let the scum go" kind of gal, but that's just me.

I truly hope I am wrong, but the similarities in our WS are high. And we seem to have a few similarities as well. Please do not make the same mistakes I did. Please protect your heart and soul. Please do not put up with his bullshit for as long as I did. Do whatever it takes to take care of you, whatever that is.

Sending you peace.

"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."

I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.


Posts: 730 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
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Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yesterday was exactly 5 months. And it's been 11 days since we shared a bed. Oddly enough he still isn't begging to come back to our bed. He's still just carrying on like nothing happened. Like I've said, trying to nice his way back in.

He asked this morning if I was free tomorrow afternoon, he'd try and schedule a MC session if I was. Probably because he's tired of sleeping in a twin bed. He's never scheduled a MC before, without my prompting anyway.

If we do go to MC, it will not be like our other sessions. I'm determined to get the counselor to stop being so nice. I feel like we need a different one, but not quite sure how we go about that. He handles us with kid gloves. Way too nice! He always complements us on how well we communicate. Bunch of BS, but then again, WS is not his usual self at MC! He's like someone I've never met! Wish I could get him to be his usual pissed, rugsweeping, gas lighting self! Sometimes I swear I'm enabling his fake behavior!

I haven't brought up the A in over a week, I feel like I want to, but at the same time I don't. It will be the same song and dance, then we'll be back to stonewalling like always.

I started making a list of why stay, why not stay. My IC asked me why I've stayed, and I couldn't really answer her, I guess I hadn't really thought about it. Yes the standard "I love him", but I'm not stupid enough to think love is enough to maintain in a F'd up relationship like this! So a list of why's is necessary!

I've copied his entire hard drive and sent it to a 3rd party for investigation....... a bit concerned what they will find. But if he refuses transparency, I will find it on my own! I have mobistealth installed on it also & haven't found anything suspicious since Dday, but I also know a lot of the activity occurred at work, which I don't have access to (sick I know!)

Ok, through rambling!

Markone...... A poly will never happen, guaranteed!

Bent......... I think remorseless liar is accurate! Regret, yes! Remorse, No!

D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
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Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((( Fogged )))

I want to ask you to do step back and look at this as an outsider.

Seriously. Why do YOU need more proof, or truths? He is obviously remorseless, he obviously doesn't have the ability or care to try to have the ability to understand what he has done. He continues to treat you like an option, and with horrible disrespect.

Is this really a way to live? Do you want to spend the rest of your life being considered as an option, and not respected by the one person who should put you on a pedestal?

I think you know in your heart what you need to do, and how to get it.
180 is for you. For you to gain perspective, not for you to be able to manipulate him. He obviously is not going to own up to anything, unless you present him with photographic evidence, anything less, hell even with that he will tell you that he was just helping her fasten her bra, or check to see is her g string had a hole.

He is unable to do these things because he is broken. Just like a drinker, or a drug addict you can't force him to be ready to deal with it. All you can do is make is life uncomfortable by not choosing to do it.
I would strongly urge you to see an attorney and file for S if not D, and sole use of the home, and get his ass out of there. He is content to stay in the same home with you, but is he content to be all alone, or couch surfing with friends?

I know this hurts and wish there was a magic wand that we could wave to make them get it, or make them be honest. Unfortunately there isn't so we have to be strong for ourselves, because we deserve so much more.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8714 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ Member
Member # 40329
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess there's a part of me that's still hoping I'll wake up and this will all be a bad dream. Somehow as I try to put all these pieces together they won't fit right and it can't all be true.
I know that's not going to happen. It's just hard to swallow after 12 years. (After 2 other failed marriages.... young and stupid) I can't imagine those dealing with this after 25 or 30 years. Like my Mom, who dealt with my Dad's blatant LTA, in the fog, I don't know if I ever loved you BS, after 24 years of M.

But I am a very analytical, logical, all the pieces need to fit, things in order kind of personality. It's just my nature. I need all the information. I over analyze everything, but in the end, 'usually' being analytical pays off.

The idea of living with WH in this life, like this, makes me want to slit my wrists! Not at all what I signed up for, it's not who I am, how I want to live, or how I want to live out the rest of my days.

Therefore, something has got to give. I know he is not in a place of change, or even close to a place where he can admit what he has done. So there's only one other option really, for me to move on. It's not necessarily what I want long term, but unless there's a major overhaul in the future, it is what is best for me.

D-Day 1 8/8/13 :: WH was with prostitute, I found the physical evidence 24 hours later.
Much has happened since.
Not sure where we're at....... MC, IC, R'ish

Posts: 214 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Southwest US
Topic Posts: 26
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