Q: Why do [men] have sex with married women?
A: No committment.
And you should confess. Guilt isn't the best reason to confess but if it pushes you to then so be it. Ideally, you should confess because 1.) it's the right thing to do 2.) it shows you respect your BH enough to allow him to make his own decisions. You don't know with 100% certainty what your BH will do. I was convinced my BH would leave me too. And guess what? Five years later, we're still together. Why? Because he truly loves me for me and he saw something worth fighting for. Are you saying there's *nothing* in you your BH would fight for?
Throughout your posts I see zero respect for your BH, your kids and least of all yourself. Confess because you respect yourself enough to stop being someone's booty call, someone's Plan B (because you are). Respect yourself enough to stop being used.
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
I am not going to tell you what to do but I will tell you what I did and how it worked out for me. I had an affair that started with a ONS. I lied to my AP the whole time to keep her happy so my BS would never find out. Long story short I fucked up and thought best to cover shit up and deal with it myself I thought to myself that I should be the one that deals with this not my wife. Well, affair ends and shortly after my AP husband tries to blackmail me for money so I end up telling my wife anyway.
I can tell you that news is not easy to give but a couple things I wish I could change. One, to never have had an affair. Two, that I would have had the courage to tell her after it happened. If for no other reason it would have saved me from the rest of my affair and all the lies I told in between. I know what your thinking, I know how you are justifying it, I was there, I was sure it was the right thing.....for me and my wife it wasn't and i wish I would have had the fortitude to have told her on some things it would have been better. It didn't work for me.
Make a phone call, it's easy.
Call his wife to apologise.
You could say:
"Hello 'AP's wife', this is confused43.
I'm just calling to apologise and say how deeply sorry I am for my part in destroying your marriage and for your imminent divorce."
I can see three possible responses.
1) Highly unlikely. "I bet you're sorry you two timing, worthless, home wreaking..............................click."
2) Possible. "Oh no confused43, we're just having some difficulties at the moment and are giving each other some space to work it out, why would you feel responsible?"
3) Most Likely, "What the hell are you talking about, are you crazy, are you trying to ruin my marriage?"
Why don't you try it, just to prove how wrong we are?
Of course it wouldn't hurt to do it for the right reason. i.e. To let your AP's wife know the truth.
It will have the added benefit of pretty much ending your affair.
As well as being good practice for telling your husband.
[This message edited by SlowUptake at 1:40 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]
"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras
There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Truthfully, I could have not told my BBF anything. I moved in with him shortly after my A, so I was many states away from the xAP.
So I stuffed it for a year. I was in the fog like you were, but oh boy after awhile of NC, the guilt and shame hit me like a ton of bricks.
So I told him. I was afraid of not being able to say everything, so I wrote a note with everything. I think if you do confess, you should write down a timeline of everything. Get it all over with now.
The sad reality is, as waywards, we have stripped them of nearly everything. Their sense of trust, their right to a normal family, and if kids are involved, their right to a normal family. But...you have to tell him. Out of all the things I took away from BBF, I could not take away his choice to stay or leave me.
One of the consequences of an A is the potential to lose your BS. Maybe they'll kick you to the curb. Maybe he won't. Maybe he'll try and try and decide he can't stay anymore at any given moment. If you selfishly have taken all that away, can you at least let him have that choice?
I won't be the one to say, "Well, if you loved your BS so much, you wouldn't have cheated!" Because we're all in the same boat here.
I won't tell you what to do, but I'd give my advice. Don't confess - for now. You first need to go strict NC with your AP. period. Write out a timeline to organize your thoughts so when it comes to confession time, you will have everything ready for him. He has to know.
"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."
3) Most Likely, "What the hell are you talking about, are you crazy, are you trying to ruin my marriage?"
Q: Why do [men] have sex with married women?
A: No committment.
My worry is that telling all the truth is pretty intense. I know it has to be done if I confess but just wondering how much in detail one goes. If he had access to my email account I'd never be able to look him in the eye. I never said anything bad about him but the level of intensity and word choices are pretty hard to swallow for a BS. Not to mention pictures etc. If it was an EA or a ONS I think it would be easier but this was a relationship with a lot of sex and reminiscing about it through email. I know I would not want to know all of this if roles were reversed. No one knows about the affair except one major player, his soon to be exwife. However he says, although this can always change, that he's pretty confident she has no intentions of saying or doing anything about it. It sounds like when she confronted him she was very upset that he would get involved with someone with 3 young kids and what was he thinking. So in a way it was if she was looking out for me. I never know when she might change her mind though and that makes me very uneasy. She knew for a month before she confronted him. I'm guessing she was getting her act together with paperwork etc.
Every FWS here has done all that even though most of us were caught. I was caught but I confessed to things my H could never have known or proven. Yes it's hard but it was the best for everyone involved. You're still in full on wayward mode, still defending (justifying) your choices, still defending the AP, tryimg to make him sound like a stand up guy. He's not. He knew you're M and didn't care. Doesn't really matter what the state of his M was. He was still legally bound to his wife just as you are to your H.
You had three choices in this situation: 1.) Talk to your BH about what you thought was the problem. 2.) Get a D. 3.) Cheat.
Every WS chose door #3. Every WS here came to see what kind of person the AP really was and what kind of person *they* were. Every WS here did what was hard: came clean (whether caught or confessed), owned their choices and took responsibility and did the work to fix themselves.
To be perfectly honest (perhaps brutally so) I see you diving head first into another A if this one is indeed over. Why? Because it's easier than the alternative. Taking the path to become a FWS is hard and right now you haven't got the guts to even start. Your fog is still so thick, you need a chainsaw to cut through it. But as others have said, ultimately the choice is yours to confess or not. I just hope you're prepared to deal with the consequences when things hit the fan.
You are wrong, not that I need to prove you wrong but I know this to be true.
My AP told me exactly how she found out about us and what she found and how she confronted him.
Not every man is a liar, maybe you were
Not every man has to come up with lies to get laid.
The tragic thing is, you don't see the absurdity in the logic.
The realisation I have been labouring to get you to acknowledge, is the first step for a WS in becoming healthy, is to see the affair for what it truly is. You are resistant to seeing the truth (as we all are in the beginning).
You are still in the 'unicorns prancing on rainbows shitting skittles affair fog' (delusional).
You believe your AP is at heart an upstanding person who is misunderstood by his wife and your 'luuuurve affair' would have worked out if he'd been a little more emotionally available.
I thought perhaps if I could get you to see what a low down, lying, scum sucking, oxygen thieving, walking advert for condom use, piece of shit your AP is, you could start down the road of getting healthy.
Enough said, I'll leave it alone. I'm wasting my time & yours.
'You can lead an unremorsful WS to knowledge, you can't make them think'
Here endith the lesson.
[This message edited by SlowUptake at 9:39 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]
We had tried a few months earlier to spice things up but it started to fizzle out again. I think I just wasnt interested in him in that way and it's hard for me to fake it.
So at what point did you tell yourself it was OK to cheat? Why weren't you strong enough in your vows to try harder?
Cheating is a coward's way out. You were so miserable ? Get a divorce . Go to counseling. Or better yet, figure our your own issues that require running to another man, when the worse came along.
Do the right thing now and tell your BH. If his wife truly knows, like many BS she may choose to tell your BH. It would be better if he heard it from you.
Do you love your BH?
So my dilemma is this: I know everyone here always say you have to tell but if I confess my affair to my husband it will destroy him. He was cheated on before and it was devasting. I feel it's my punishment to keep this inside to myself and not put it on him.
It does eat at you as the WS to keep the truth about your marriage inside you. If you're going to remain married, your BS might not have that lightbulb moment that tells him you've been engaged in an A, but he will "know" that something is very, very wrong. That sense of knowing, that gut feeling that something is up, will eat at him from the inside out. Since he's been cheated on before, his mind is probably already going there: "Could confused43 be cheating? No, I'm just thinking that because ex cheated, and I'm putting my fears and paranoia on confused43. I have to stop doing that, it's not fair to her! But there's something wrong... maybe it's me. What am I doing wrong? It feels just like... no no no, she's not cheating, that's my paranoia creeping in from the cheating ex..." etc etc etc.
- He probably suspects (knows) on some level that you're cheating and doesn't want to admit it.
- He probably blames himself.
- He probably feels like he might be crazy.
- He is scrabbling to give you attention, affection and what ever else he can to try to "fix" a problem he doesn't even really know about.
Yes, confession is incredibly painful for both sides, but your affair is an infected boil filled with pus under the foundation of your marriage. It will itself become painful and send out offshoots of pain as it festers.
I've been going to IC for about 2 months now and not a whole lot of progress. She agrees that it would be best not to tell him as it would probably mean a divorce since it would be earth shattering for him.
Well, it might end in divorce, sure, but your husband is a grown man who has the right to not be married to someone who he can't trust, right? It's really scary and painful to think of that, but doesn't he have the right to make that choice for himself?
Those of you that confessed do you ever wish you didnt? If you could make things better than before and you didnt have to go through the pain wouldn't you want that?
I did confess and it was one of the most painful things I've done. I have never wished I hadn't confessed, no. Actually I didn't have a lot of choice about the initiation, since my FBS read my email, but I ended up confessing everything. Do you know what hurt him the most, and what - years later - still holds pain for us, after most of the other pain has faded? That I didn't tell him before he found out. That I didn't give him/our marriage the respect and dignity of a confession without getting caught.
There would no way to have a solid marriage with a huge lie bubbling and festering under the surface. It's just not possible. You can't make things better with that kind of lie under the floorboards. I wish there were a way to release that lie without pain, but the pain was ensured long ago with the act of the A. And there's no good marriage possible in the long term without honesty, so that lie has to go. There's no other way.
Honestly though if I was caught and he asked me I'd tell him to just divorce me and not ask questions as it would destroy him.
Yeah, I can totally see how that makes sense and that would have been my instinct as well. But his imagination would fill in every grizzly detail and then some. And he'd be left with uncertainty. And he'd be left with the shame that his wife didn't tell him what his own marriage really looked like. And he'd be left with the shame and humiliation of imagining you two laughing at him, knowing you had all of these private memories with the OM that he will never know about, the humiliation of being the stupidest and least informed person in the love triangle. You can't do that to a good man. You said he's a wonderful husband and good father - that fate is not a favor.
If I tell him he will never trust me again or may want to read all my emails or IM's with the AP. It would kill him to read them. NOt sure how to proceed.
A few possibilities.
- He might never trust you again because your affair destroyed that trust for good. Isn't that his simple human right to make that decision for himself, rather than you making it for him?
- He might think he could never trust you again, but give you the gift of trying anyway, for the sake of your marriage and your children. And then you two can rebuild based on truth and reality and honesty. With dignity and respect, as a couple.
I'm not going to lie, the rebuilding period sucks ass for both parties, probably even more so if you're committed to reconciling. It's really attractive to think there could be a way to bypass that mess, but in reality there's not. I think you know that, and you're rightfully scared of it. But if you want your marriage to your BS to continue, and if you respect him as a human being, then this is the road you have to travel.
I can tell you from my experience that as much as that road sucks, it's also really necessary, no matter what happens in your marriage. You have to figure out why you chose the route of cheating, you have to get a new IC who challenges you and helps you, you have to let your BS see you as you are, as you really are, and that (at least for me) can be really terrifying. But then you're a person who is capable of being in a good marriage. You're not that person right now. You're not honest, you're not trustworthy, you're not respectful, you don't have good boundaries. But you can build those things and fix them and be so much better, so much happier and so much more capable of being a good partner. And even if you marriage falls apart, you will still be that better person, wiser, more honest, more capable as a partner, friend and parent.
I think as in all things, this isn't about your husband or the AP, it's about you. Personally I don't think it matters one whit if your AP was being honest with you about his marriage or not. This has nothing to do with him. This is about you as a person doing the right thing within your life, and within your marriage, no matter what relationship is in your future.
[This message edited by circe at 11:06 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]
Imagine your M being covered with a huge bandage. You can choose to get it over with and rip it off with one go (full disclosure) or gently tug on it, extending his pain (trickle truth).
I say don't confess for now for that reason. That doesn't mean never confess. I just think he deserves the more merciful option. Hiding it isn't merciful.
You're in between a place of "knowing what is right" and "why can't I just have what I want".
All your posts scream ENTITLEMENT to me. As a fellow wayward wife I can relate to this enormously.
What I will ask you to think about is where does this sense of entitlement come from? Where does the "my life is so hard/bad/boring/unfair that I deserve SOME happiness at least"
For me, it's a massive distortion on what's real vs what's not. What I really want vs what I think I want. Gaining some perspective.
All I wanted with my AP was some security, stability, openness and not to be a dirty secret, whilst all along I had that with my H at home.
As 20 says, in this instance (and I do this a lot) just try and imagine what the alternative would be. Would being with AP really be worth all the extreme turmoil that comes along with it? Do you need to pledge some time to falling for your H again? It can't happen overnight.
You *think* you're getting what you want from your AP, things you think you're not getting from your BH. Every FWS here, man or woman, thought the same thing. "I'm not getting (insert whatever the hell you want) from my spouse so I'll look for someone else to give it to me." The thing is, we were ALL WRONG. We were just so wrapped up in ourselves that we didn't see what was right in front of and inside us.
And all APs lie, even if the AP is single like mine was. And all WSs lie. That's part and parcel of the whole cheating thing.
Yes your M may end if you confess but that's a risk you took by cheating. Obviously you thought the risk was worth it. But it won't be the A that ends it. Ask any BS here that is now D and the vast majority will tell you that it was the lies and deceit afterward that really ended their M.
Every day you put this off is another day your BH could find out from another source, another lie you've told him. And sooner or later that pile of lies is probably going to break your M past repair. But you've proven you like playing high risk, haven't you?
ETA to all who have responded. I'm thinking confused won't be back. Because we're not telling her what she wants to hear. I really hope I'm wrong though.
[This message edited by Clarrissa at 7:35 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]
[This message edited by sunnyrain at 2:32 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]
I am not planning on saying anything right now. In my mind I feel like I need to first get over the AP so that if and when I do, I can be honest about the last time I spoke to AP instead of it being so recent.
I do worry about relapse though. I am still lost in the fog.
I am still in the "I want to want to fight for my marriage" I do want to but you are all correct that I want the easy route, with the least amount of hurt for everyone. My worry is that by taking the easiest route I may mess up again somehow because I need to resolve my own personal issues that got me in this place.
I sought out the affair and attention. I needed it for some reason. I think losing some girlfriends in the last few years contributed to it and just feeling like why don't I have more friends at this point in my life. Feeling pathetic. What is wrong with me? I'm an attractive smart healthy woman yet my insides dont reflect my outside. My husband had his own interests but I didnt really seem to have any. He told me to get some hobbies and over the summer I did a lot of hiking and biking with the AP. and strangely I didn't feel a lot of guilt over it. I guess it's that whole entitlement that is mentioned here. I knew it was wrong but it didnt stop me as I was excited to go spend time with AP. Worst part was when my girls were helping me pick out outfits to go out with "a friend" when I was meeting AP for an evening date. That bothered me a lot, but I still left.
I think it stems from low self esteem and seeking out the attention from men made me feel alive, sexy, not just a mom etc. I'm not making excuses, well I guess I am, but I think before I can set off a fire at my house it would help to start to be on the road to recovery. I am not emotionally stable right now, too much on my mind about what direction I want to go. RIght now I have the support of my BH to help get me back on track. He knows I'm confused about the state of our marriage and that I'm a wreck inside right now. If I lose him and his support right now I'm not sure what state of mind I would go into. Selfish, I know but I'm going to take it since I'm hoping it will benefit us both in the long run. I'm not getting enough sleep as my mind is racing constantly. I'm just hoping over time that this frantic pace will lessen and I will be able to see things more clearly.
I do appreciate your responses.
[This message edited by confused43 at 3:22 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]
Now about getting over your AP. There's a thread here called Maia's Withdrawal Guide. I just bumped it for you. Also, have you considered the idea that if you tell your BH and if you're accountable to him, withdrawing from the AP may be easier?
I know you feel we're all ganging up on you but in reality we're not doing it to be mean. We want you to do what's right. I understand you wanting to mitigate the pain you subject your BH to but along that path lies *more* pain for him because you'll trickle truth in the effort to "spare" him. It seems counterintuitive but confessing everything, all at once, will actually lessen his pain over the long run. He won't be subjected to the mind movies, wondering what *else* you're hiding. As I said, every day you keep this to yourself is another lie you tell him. You do this long enough and it will kill any chance you have of repairing the damage you've done to him, your kids and your M. This is a situation where "the easy way" is relative. Regardless of what you do, it's not going to be as easy as you want. It just won't be. It *can't* be. Telling him is the right thing to do and a first step in owning the choice you made.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:11 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]
Best of luck...