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User Topic: A Fine Mess I've gotten myself into: Not sure I want to confess
finallyfree2011
♀ Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confused

First off - I think you might be dating my X MM. I got all the same lines about his unhappy, unloving, non sexual marriage, blah blah blah. Funny how his wife turned up pregnant in their non sexual relationship.

He was a narcissistic a**hat who only thought of himself and his d*ck 90% of the time. He always said that he loved me so much that if I ever wanted out he would leave me alone forever. Total BS (and yep I fell for it all)

I was actively trying to end things with XMM but each time he was able to suck me in. I just couldn't keep up my promise to myself to stay away from him. So when BH confronted me I confessed. That was SO not my plan.

But in the end that is what kept XMM from ever contacting me again. I honestly don't think I could have stood my ground and walked away from XMM without H finding out everything.

2 1/2 years later I am thankful that temptation has been removed from me. It hasn't been an easy road but I believe my marriage is stronger now than it ever was.

In the beginning I convinced myself that XMM stayed away because he did care about me and wanted me to give my marriage the chance it deserved. But in hindsight I really think that once his W found out and left (they are now divorced) I was too much of a complication for him. Why bother trying to see me when I could sneak away from my BH when he could pick up any single, kid free woman he wanted.

So to tell or not to tell??? Nobody can answer that for you.

Good luck to you in whatever decision you make.


[This message edited by finallyfree2011 at 12:05 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi confused,
I have been following this thread but haven't posted yet because I didn't know exactly what to say.

First what Clarissa said is true....the advice that you get from some WS isn't meant to make you feel bad or to be mean, it's advice from people who have been in similar situations and are trying to help you sort all this shit out.

When I first started posting I heard many things that almost sent me running away, until I realized I didn't want to hear it cuz it was true...and it was hard realizing that about myself. It's tough love at its finest...from those who have felt and said the same things as you.

I didn't confess...I got caught...multiple times because I was too stupid and blind at first to realize how dysfunctional my "relationship" with my AP was. My BH kicked me out for 9 months and when he finally let me back in he gave me one more chance to end things with my AP....like finallyfree said, I think that is what I needed to finally end things and get my head out of my ass.

And about the AP lying....honey, I find it very unlikely that he was honest about anything. And I know you will disagree with me but that is what I also said about mine....he would never lie to me or hurt me.

When.things finally came out and I confronted his BW he denied it all and painted me as a lying manipulating stalker...he told her I had done this before with other parents.

Right now I know how you are feeling and can empathize. But I think in order to really protect your family and get your shit in order you need to confess.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 844 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just read this thread, and, Confused...you are confused. Very.

The simple facts:

1) Your AP is by definition a liar and cheat, regardless of if he tells you "white truths" about his betrayed spouse and/or marriage.

2) You are in denial regarding the fog which envelops you, and is so plain for everyone here to see.

3) Your sense of entitlement and grandiosity are indicative of a severe case of SDDD (Selfish & Delusional Douchebag Disorder). I am still in treatment for my acute episode of this widespread wayward malady.

4) And until you "are sure you have confessed", you are wasting your time, and all of ours.

The only thing I see right now is the slow motion train wreck that is...YOU. You're sort of like a Maury Povitch episode which although repulsive, is also kind of fascinating. I'm torn between changing the channel and making some popcorn and plunking down in my sea foam green Barca Lounger.

You need help, Confused. And it's right here, free of charge, expert level.

I've walked in your shoes. So many of us here did. Please come out of the woods and join us. I hope you will start to respect yourself enough to do that simple act of kindness. Regardless of what happens to your marriage, you know, the marriage you've torpedoed, those who are aboard the currently doomed ship deserve to have a chance to grab a lifesaver. At the very least...

Good luck to you.

JD


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
finallyfree2011
♀ Member
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 4:46 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I didn't confess...I got caught...multiple times because I was too stupid and blind at first to realize how dysfunctional my "relationship" with my AP was. My BH kicked me out for 9 months and when he finally let me back in he gave me one more chance to end things with my AP....like finallyfree said, I think that is what I needed to finally end things and get my head out of my ass.

I had several near misses too but I always came up with a good story and BH really wanted to believe me. During the final confrontation I realized I could continue lying and BH would probably believe me or I could finally end it and hope that BH wouldn't kick me out. Thank goodness he gave me a final second chance. Trust me I won't betray his trust ever again!

When.things finally came out and I confronted his BW he denied it all and painted me as a lying manipulating stalker...he told her I had done this before with other parents

Same here - when I confessed to XMM's BW she called him with me standing there and I could hear him tell her that I was lying and that I had slept with numerous co-workers and that I had been the one who pursued him which was a complete lie.

Nice guy I chose to almost ruin my marriage over huh?

My H is a loving family man, great provider and well respected at our church.

XMM on the other hand had 2 children with 2 different women before he married his BW. Plus he had several failed business and was generally disliked by all his family.

Oh did I mention that he has herpes which he never told me. Apparently he also gave it to his BW while they were dating. Luckily I never contracted it but they both spread a rumor in my church that I gave it to him.

Oh the fog I was in... embarasses me sometimes to realize how stupid I really was.


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 64 | Registered: Jan 2013
Regrette
♀ New Member
Member # 41722
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally regret confessing but I couldn't really end the EA part of my A. 18 months out I was still tormented by thoughts of AP and couldn't "fix" my end of the marriage by myself. Now after confession and H's threat of divorce, we started MC. Start MC BEFORE (ideally before the A!)

Going back to leading "both lives, the way they were" was never an option, you know that, right? Cause AP was not giving you the happy feelings you had in the beginning. About 6 months into the A it becomes clear they are interested in convenience, and the fantasy begins to crumble...


Posts: 35 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: blue state
circe
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not planning on saying anything right now. In my mind I feel like I need to first get over the AP so that if and when I do, I can be honest about the last time I spoke to AP instead of it being so recent.

I don't think that's a bad idea at all. The way you handle the time directly after dday can have lasting effects on your BS. If you are still in the stage where you are defending the OM, saying what a stand-up guy he is, telling your BS that really if he just knew the OM you're sure they would be friends and all that, it's like a form of abuse or torture for your BS. If you're able to get your head out of the A, see it for what it is, see yourself for who you are, see a path toward repairing yourself in a healthy way and be TRULY repentant and TRULY honest, and willing to do whatever it takes for your marriage and your husband, to be a lot more selfless than you sound right now, your BS has a better chance of making it through this with less damage and your marriage will have that much better chance as well.

But how long do you think you need for that? I mean if you use that as your excuse for not telling him, when will you draw a line under it and say that now is the time? I fear that you might get comfortable in the "I need to fix myself" stage - it can be a lifelong project - and not want to confess and rock a boat that you're feeling is getting more stable and comfortable for you. Do you know what I mean?


Posts: 3192 | Registered: Mar 2005
confused43
♀ Member
Member # 41802
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks again to all that have responded. I'm going to focus on finding a new therapist for now.

My problem, well there are many, is that I go back and forth on how I feel about the situation. Part of me wants to tell so that he can be part of the decision making of fix it or take off.

I am still in the fog though and I know it. that is why I'm so glad my husband is not aware of it, and if and when I tell him I just can't see him ever being able to forgive me. Many people snap out of the fog right away it seems like and I just don't know if that will be me when I confess. If he asks me if I loved the OM and I tell him yes it's going to make him feel like 2nd choice. I know I can't predict how he will react but I'm trying to think out all scenarios and get the timing down perfect. Kids gone for the weekend etc. and once I start confessing there will be no going back and saying "Just kidding" so I need to make sure I am really prepared, and also so I can help him in the best way possible.

I know the marriage is worth saving, but I feel like I don't deserve such a wonderful life and husband anymore. I'll just be hanging out here I guess and reading up on other peoples posts.


Me: WW 42 - Him: BH 45
Dday: Confessed 1/12/14 - EA/PA: 8 months
Married: 15 years - 3 Kids(5-13)
It's scary to think you know someone well and then realize you don't~~Even scarier when you realize that person is you!

Posts: 107 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: SW Oregon
Topic Posts: 47
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