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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: New Year's Eve with my WH?
Healing2012
♀ Member
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even know where to post this. I guess that's one of the consequences of being in limbo for so long.

I've never been a huge fan of this holiday. Maybe if it wasn't so darn cold and snowy I'd be more inclined to put on a cute outfit and go to dinner. But it's like 3 degrees and, well...ain't nobody got time for that . So my DS and I will celebrate like we did last year: pizza, Disney movies, and homemade party hats and noisemakers. I don't know what WH did last year. I don't really care.

2013 has been a weird year for my WH and I. I've stopped caring so much. I've gotten stronger. I've almost stopped holding out hope for R. He seems to be coming around more often - doing everything I wished he'd done right after D-day.

He has been incredibly understanding and generous when it came to our DS and the holidays. My family is three hours away and WH basically told me to take the whole holiday and do whatever I wanted with DS. I know I shouldn't, but I feel a little bit bad and so in passing I said he could celebrate NYE with us if he had no plans. He said OK.

I really wasn't expecting that answer. I know it doesn't mean anything, but it's making me anxious. We get along. We get along incredibly well. We had lunch the day after Christmas and sat and talked for three hours. We laughed like old times. It was actually fun!

Anybody been in this situation? Separated yet still hanging out and getting along? I always wanted R. I don't know if that's even possible now after two years apart. I'm so scared I'm going to start thinking about that and wanting it again.

I don't know what I'm doing.


BS: Me (40)
WS: Husband (46)
Married 8 years
Two children 5 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 353 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Healing)))

The interesting thing is when you stopped caring so much he has started to. Seems to add creedance around here that you can't nice a spouse back.

If you are comfortable with him being there, and want him to be there, then enjoy it for what it is. An evening of family time, followed by an opportunity for a fresh start. Who knows, maybe he sees this as that opportunity to recommit to his family..


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7799 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he has stopped his former behaviors, been in IC to figure out his why's and has generally done all he needs to facilitate reconciliation, AND you want him back, I say go for it. If your conditions aren't met, then I'd be very leary that he's attempting to have his cake and eat it too.

In the beginning, I wanted to keep playing happy family, but it didn't take me long to figure out that I was delaying my own healing by hanging on. Once I released myself from that purgatory, my healing came in leaps and bounds.

((Healing2012))


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know, this just doesn't sound right to me.

If he is asking (meaning, begging on his hands and knees) for you back, then you have some decisions to make. His attitude towards you doesn't really matter. I think too many times people who have been cheated on take niceness to mean the cheater has changed and wants to get back together. You are thinking of getting back together with him, but he hasn't even asked for that yet.

I'd say keep him at arm's length and keep detaching till he is really proving to you that he has changed and is doing everything and anything to win you back. He could be with an other woman (or women) right now and not feel bad about it since you guys aren't officially together. In fact, you could be dating someone else right now, and he couldn't say anything either.

Sorry, but it sounds like he is cake eating right now, being nice to you and getting you to be nice to him without having to work on any of the issues that led him to cheat. It's great if you guys can be friendly, but don't let it stop you from detaching until he really proves himself to you. It's completely unfair to leave you in limbo..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2002 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Healing2012
♀ Member
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm actually not thinking of getting back together with him. What I was trying to say is that Im afraid of starting to think that way. I've done a lot of hard work to get where I am right now and I know that it would be easy to fall into the trap of wanting to R.

This is a self-imposed limbo. In the beginning, I definitely gave him the control. I wanted to R and he wanted "space" which I now know was code for continuing the A. I hit a point early this year when I really stopped giving a shit. I have been to the attorney. I have papers ready should I choose that route. We have serious financial issues we are dealing with right now and those are my top priority. Once those are under control I need to make a decision about our M.


BS: Me (40)
WS: Husband (46)
Married 8 years
Two children 5 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 353 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
Healing2012
♀ Member
Member # 35238
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Meh. I sound like a defensive bitch. Maybe I am. Who knows anymore, right?

My apologies to you, ButterflyGirl. You were keeping things in perspective. Didn't mean to respond the way I did.

I f'ing hate all of this so much...


BS: Me (40)
WS: Husband (46)
Married 8 years
Two children 5 & 17 (my stepson)
D-day #1: 12/18/11
D-day #2: 8/26/12 (still in contact w/ OW)
Status: Separated - not R, not D.

Posts: 353 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Midwest
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can see a noticeable change in him, I don't see a problem with hanging out with him if YOU want to. That's actually how we wound up back together.

We started dating again after 6 months of separation. It was not planned. It just sorta happened one day. I was stronger by that time. If it didn't work out, fine. I had already started working with a lawyer anyway. I was leery of cake-eating. I didn't really expect to get back together. But I saw something different in him. He started doing all of the "right" things. Little things too. We started talking on the phone more - he would call just to say "goodnight". He would come over for movie night with me and the boys. We spent time rediscovering each other.

After 4 months of dating my husband, he moved home. We had some issues to work out those first few months. I discovered two more long-ago OW that he didn't mention because he didn't want to hurt me anymore. After we got past the TT, things really started to get better between us. We are solid now. He grew up a lot over those 10 months and finally understands what's important in life.

Yes, your WH could be cake-eating a bit because it's the holiday season and everyone gets emotional. But on the other hand, maybe he's grown up a bit too.

IMO, if YOU are ok spending NYE with him, then do it. You aren't required to let him sleep over or even kiss him on the cheek at midnight. Try not to put any pressure on the night. It's just one night. Just focus on having fun with your son. Do what feels right to you in the moment.

Hope you have a great night, no matter what happens, and a fantastic 2014!


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 784 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I shouldn't, but I feel a little bit bad and so in passing I said he could celebrate NYE with us if he had no plans. He said OK.
Just based on your title alone "New Year's Eve with my WH?" The answer should be HELL FUCK NO!

I'll tell you what it's called, it's called cake-eating. And you're the baker, handing it out for free even though you should be charging full price.

You make it easy for him, what he did wasn't so bad, he gets ego kibbles, you get burned eventually, you hate yourself for it, he throws you a few crumbs, you bite and remark how delicious they are, he gets ego kibbles, you get burned eventually, you hate yourself for it, he throws you a few crumbs, you bite and remark how delicious they are, etc. etc. etc.

Do you really want to live your life like that?

[This message edited by sparkysable at 12:14 PM, December 31st (Tuesday)]


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3171 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
ItHappened2Me2
♀ Member
Member # 32503
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Healing2012 -

If you feel comfortable with spending the time with him, then do so. If not, then tell him NO.

Sounds like you are progressing in your thought process -- at least you have spoken to an attorney. Get your ducks in a row and then pull the trigger when you are ready.

I wouldn't want you going down a dark rabbit hole if spending the evening with him would trigger you.

But only you can make that call.


BS - me (52); WS - him (52)
DD 15yo, DS 11 yo
Married 25 years (together 27+/-)
DDay #1 - March 18, 2011
DD #2 (after 3 + month TT and false R -- the affair had gone underground) - June 28,2011
DD3: June 19, 2013 - he started up again with the

Posts: 241 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Texas
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Certainly don't apologize to me!

Honestly, I don't think I'm strong enough to have a lunch or any extended amount of time face to face with my STBX. Especially not a holiday that goes into the night and is associated with kissing, etc. I guess I feel like it would bring up feelings for me, and I really just want to not care. Those feelings could be anger or sadness or a sense of missing him. I don't know, I just don't want any of those. I just want to stay away from him.. Maybe I'll be strong enough in the future to do those things without getting triggered, but we've been separated over a year, and I'm still not there yet..


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 7

Posts: 2002 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Topic Posts: 10

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