WARNING: This post is extremely long. Thank you in advance for your patience.
I haven't posted here in a very long time, but I read nearly every day. I just posted a massive update in my profile if anyone cares to read it.
As you all can see from my signature, D-Day was a little over six years ago. We were doing quite well for a long time. We married on our ninth anniversary, my husband was starting to smile again, really smile with his entire body, not just his lips. I was starting to feel hopeful that the worst was behind us. I'm sure you all know where this is going.
No, I didn't cheat again. I'll never do that. But I did fuck up. When we married, we agreed (1) no more driving guys to work, (2) no more spending time alone with guys, and (3) no more venting or discussing our relationship with anyone but each other.
I've broken all three. The first two (actually both occuring in the same incident), we worked through for the most part. I was a store manager, and one of my stockers needed a ride to work. I was thinking with my manager brain instead of my wife brain and agreed to it without stopping to discuss it with my husband, who has since said that he understood but was very hurt at my lack of thinking. Totally understandable, and I was extremely grateful to him for being so understanding yet again.
The third point has become a huge mess because of my stupid big mouth. I was out of town over night for work training (I currently work as a Loss Prevention professional for a large company). Another girl from my district was also at this training class and had, unbeknownst to me, given my room number to her husband in case he couldn't reach her in her own room, figuring if she was anywhere else, she would be with me. Well, coworker's husband called my room and asked for her while I was on my cell phone with my husband, and that, obviously, caused some tension between us.
After several arguments about it (because really, I can't say I'd believe him if some random girl called him while he happened to be out of town, on his hotel room phone, no less), I contacted my coworker through text and asked her to explain the situation to my husband so everything could be cleared up. That should have been all, but instead of asking like a concerned and remorseful wife, I asked like an annoyed wife, placing all the blame on my husband and owning none of it. That led to both of us having a vent session about our respective spouses, during which I painted my husband to be a complete asshole.
I honestly didn't mean to depict him that way; I allowed my frustration at our recent bout of arguments to take over my mouth (well, thumbs) and spouted off. Not cool at all. Needless to say, my husband saw the texts and was very hurt by them, especially since we had started doing so well and making real progress in our relationship. I contacted my coworker again and filled her in on more relevant information on why the situation had gotten to the point it had (namely that I had cheated and that my husband had reasonable concerns about a man calling my hotel room), told her I had crossed a line discussing my marriage, and said that type of situation wouldn't be happening again.
Since then, we've been steadily going downhill again, as if I've set us back not just to square one but to square negative fifty. We've again been having long intense conversations about my A, and my husband is again asking me for specific information that I just don't have and have never had. He wants to know what OM and I talked about with specific examples, but the problem is that I simply don't remember conversations. Given the casual nature of my interactions with him, it was very much a situation of two coworkers who occasionally had sex. I'm not saying that makes it at all acceptable, of course; I'm just trying to explain that there was no intimacy in what I did.
For me, I enjoyed the attention and feeling like someone wanted something to do with me. I had horrible coping mechanisms and no concept of healthy boundaries, both issues that I have worked extremely hard to rectify. (Obviously, my boundaries still need strengthenin given the issue with my coworker; my new mantra is, "Wait two seconds, then respond." So far, it seems to be helping.) Because it was the feeling that he wanted me around that attracted me, the actual content of conversations didn't matter to me. This is actually something I've been trying for years to remember, and it's just not there. I understand that my lack of memory doesn't change my husband's need to know though.
The latest insult to injury occurred the other night. I went into more detail in my profile, but basically, I was ready to go to bed, my husband was trying to talk to me, and I inadvertantly (and crankily) blew him off. That led to a blowup, and since that night, my husband seems to have mostly given up. He says that any feelings he had left for me are gone after that but that he's willing to listen to anything I have to say that may change his mind.
It doesn't help that his primary love language is loving touch, and I feel unwelcome to reach out when things are strained. We've had many conversations and arguments about it, and it's finally gotten through my thick skull that, unless he says no or removes my hand, that reaching out to touch him is okay, even when we're talking about this. I'm hopeful that my realization hasn't come too late, but I really don't know.
I honestly don't know what to do or even what to ask at this point. I've just created a vortex of pain and misery for my husband, and I want more than anything for him to be happy. Of course I would prefer him to be happy with me, but I'm beginning to think I'm incapable of not sabotaging our relationship. Every time things seem to be going well, I drop yet another shoe.
How can I remember things that I haven't been able to in over six years? If I could finally clear up this mess and give my husband what he needs to truly file it away, then it's possible we could begin the recovery process again. At this point, my only option seems to be hypnosis because nothing I've tried works - meditation, starting with a small point and building on it, not thinking about it, obsessively thinking about it, writing it down, talking it out with my husband. OM has admitted to drugging me with ketamine during the A, which does cause lost time and memory loss, but the memories have to be in there somewhere. I need to find them so I can finally give my husband peace of mind.
Anyone still reading after all my drivle, thank you. I know this was extremely long and (probably) eye-rollingly annoying to read, but I needed to reach out to the one place I knew I could get decent advice.
WS only because I don't think I'm ready to open myself up to the masses yet.