I'm really sorry you are here. That's a load of mess to swallow.
Yes she has a past. Yes she had BF that were in a bad place and they enabled her to get into and remain in a bad place. But in the basics I venture the BF/GF relationship was comparable to usual BF/GF pattern. As a rule even drug-pushing BF don’t share their GF.
Pimping is a completely different issue altogether. Pimps sometimes pimp out their GF and/or have sex with the women they are pimping. But this OM sounds like a dealer and not a pimp.
If you have doubts about her past then please clear them ASAP. No matter what your future relationship with her will become then remember that she will always be the mother of your children. You will always have to interact as co-parents. A past as a hooker will NOT make her less capable of being a mother but you always looking and judging her as a possible ex-whore will always impede your ability to have her as a wife or co-parent. IMHO you need to deal with her past and its possible impact on your future together.
I would seriously look at her alcohol use. As I have already mentioned then people that need rehab tend to misuse ALL intoxicants. Maybe coke was her drug of choice, but she seems to have replaced that with alcohol.
Keep in mind that misuse of intoxicants is NOT limited to daily consumption. Your WW could abstain from drinking for weeks but if she consistently crosses a border each time she drinks… well… then she has a drinking problem.
Look – IMHO it’s OK and maybe even necessary for spouses to have social lives outside the marriage. I meet with old college friends, fishing partners and work associates for an occasional dinner, drink or trip. But it’s AGES since I felt a need to go out with old drinking buddies on a regular, tight schedule simply to party and get drunk! Heck – I can’t afford to waste 2-3 days in having “fun”, being hung-over and recovering physically. It’s WAY TOO MUCH TIME taken away from what’s REALLY important for me; namely FAMILY. My wife too sometimes goes out with her friends but for the last 10 years that’s been similar to my agenda: A good time with great friends and home relatively early and relatively sober. That’s what happens with time and age if you aren’t fighting substance abuse.
Your WW insistence on going out for a girl’s night in THIS pattern is yet another reason I hammer on her possible alcoholism.
I’m going to suggest the following:
Make the seriousness of the situation very clear to your wife. Make it clear that there is ONLY one thing that can possibly save the marriage right now and that is the absolute, believable and accountable truth.
Then ask her about her past. Remember – neither of you entered this relationships with a silky clean past so allow her the leeway you might expect.
Ask her about her rehab. What substance? What about alcohol? Does she have a substance abuse problem? What rehab center? Do they say their patients are fine with booze?
Ask her what she’s willing to do regarding the future. Remind her that all recovery programs suggest people move out of the group of friends that enabled substance abuse.
Hard for me to believe it, maybe it's true. One guy told me that ww played him for years while only giving him a kiss. Another guy told me pretty much the same.
Really good either way on this one... gangs come on... The big trouble is her past yes she was involved with bikers, which I didn't know about until today, plus other groups that I don't want to even know about. Question is if a biker brought you into his den wouldn't he expect sex from you?
Question is if a biker brought you into his den wouldn't he expect sex from you?
Sounds like you didn't know a damn thing about her before you married her. You didn't care back then because you were just happy she chose YOU.
It's not fair to hold all of this against her now. Deal with the "kiss" issue, divorce her if you want but don't use her past against her now. It's not her fault you didn't ask her these things before you decided to marry her. Just saying.
ETA: I'm sorry, I don't mean to bash you. I know you are hurting and upset. I do wish you the best and I am sorry for what you are going through. Seems to me, she knew she could take advantage of you.... If you stick up for yourself and put a stop to it, she'll respect you even more. Good luck.
[This message edited by BeyondBrokenInTN at 9:55 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]
I think an issue you might be dealing with is that her sketchy past history makes her seem less credible to you due to the fact that she has been deceiving you, cheating on you...Had you asked WW about her past before marrying her or had she volunteered it, sifting thru this infidelity mess might not be quite as complicated..
I agree with the others
Two current issues
Lying and disrespect for you and marriage
Possible addictions to alcohol, drugs and/ or sex
If your WW can work to fix what is broken within herself in regards to these two issues, her past may fade from your mind as time goes by..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:34 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]
Everything was about finding out how much money I had on me. The first question that her mother asked me, is that your truck parked outside?
No, I parked around the block is how I replied.
Mother says oh you mean that new truck parked around the block? No, I said I came in a car. Their eyes lit up, Think that the mother was looking for some guy to come along and rescue her daughter.
They used car salesman technique, invented a sale of history, knowing full well that nobody was going to buy a car that was owned by teenagers. However if the car was previously owned by responsible people it'll most likely get sold.
How do I get her to go for a polygraph?
Sorry man. Shes lying. Theres no telling what else she has done.
Then things started to change. Unfortunately, because I was gone a lot, it took me quite a while to catch on. When I was around, I started to notice that her outfits were getting sexier and she was coming home later, and the frequency became greater. I asked her what was going on, and she did tell me that it was fun to get attention from guys, but it was harmless. Like a fool, I bought that hook line and sinker, and I guess the attention was making her feel more sexy because our sex life did improve.
To make a long story short, what I did not know was that this attention from guys became a drug to her and if you do something enough times and add alcohol and so called girlfriends,some single and some married,that encouraged her to behave like a "liberated" woman, eventually this led to groping on the dance floor, liasons in cars, and eventually to hotels with at least four different guys. Most of the time thisd went on when I was out of town on business providing a large house for her and a Mercedes for her to drive to hotels in.
I only caught on to this by coming home early from a trip, guessing where her and her friends might be, and walking into this club to find her on some guys lap in a tight embrace.
I am not telling all you BH out there that all your spouses will behave like this but women today are being told in Cosmo and everything they read that it is OK to flirt, OK to leads guys on, and OK to have an affair because they deserve the freedom to express their sexuality. It is in everything they read, and you cannot count on their girlfriends to talk sense to them. In a lot of cases like mine, the actually encourage the behavior or are doing it themselves.
I threw her ass out and am glad I did. She is begging to come back, but that ain't happening right now. Beware of the harmless ladies night out