Dont respond to him. And stop communicating with him. Only respond to things pertaining to your daughter and do not get side tracked when he goes off the rails, only reply to what might be necessary but do not acknowledge any of this accusations and threats. He tells you not to contact him and low and behold it is him who cant take the NC. Get a lawyer today and Wh doesnt need to know. Do as the police said and protect yourself and your child. This man is getting out of control and cannot be trusted at all. Maintain NC eventhough it is hard and tempting to reply but that is what he craves-he wants you to engage him so he can turn it all on you and try to convince you somehow that you are the one who has done wrong. Stat-it isnt you and this man is toxic. NC, NC, NC get a lawyer asap and protect yourself and your child and do not for one second buy his crap.
I am so sorry you are hurting. This is a terrible situation. We are all here for you. Post here instead of reply to his madness.
I know that you want your WH to think of the history of your M in an accurate way and not in his skewed way..
You have absolutely NO control over what he thinks and tells people..
He is wired to think differently from normal people..
I know the example I am giving is a little extreme but I hope it helps to make my point..
Think about the people who are in extremist groups.. They are groomed to kill for the "better good of the cause "..
Us normal people cannot understand or fathom how people in these extremist groups would give up family and kill children for a cause..
The difference in their thinking and ours is like apples to watermelons..
All we can do is maintain distance from toxic/dangerous people and protect ourselves...
It would be a futile effort to attempt to influence or understand these people..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 1:10 PM, January 13th (Monday)]
Sweetie, you need to take 3 steps back and gain some perspective here. Your Husband had an affair, and blamed you, Your husband had an affair, and was remorseless. Your husband has lied, cheated and abused you now for months and months. Your husband is NOT the person you believed him to be. That person is gone.
For whatever reason he has changed who he was or who he pretended to be. He is showing you the true broken, psychologically f'd up, hurtful person he is now. If someone, anyone ever spoke to a loved one the way he is you, what would your response to them be? Give him one more chance? Oh he's only saying that cause he's mad? HELL NO. You would tell them to protect themselves and get away from him as fast and as far as you can.
Do this for you. Do if for your daughter. You don't have any funds? Fine contact a womans shelter, or an abuse hotline. File a restraining order. Get assistance. IT's out there. All you have to do is ask for it. Abuse of a spouse is something that our society has little sympathy for.
Stop communication with him in any form. I would advise him to go through a trusted family member for even financial, and child issues. YOU need to detach for your own sanity at this point.
Contact your dr, and if you don't have meds to help with anxiety ask for them, and explain your situation. They will help you as well.
You are smart, young, and capable. You will survive this, and become an independent strong, awesome mom. You have our support, lean on us. We are 40 Thousand strong. We got you. Protect you, protect your daughter.
After what happened last night, even my parents have lost patience with me and want me to file ASAP . I found a lawyer today who was just licensed this past November. We met and she seemed to be very sharp. She is someone I can actually afford. I'm weighing using her, despite her inexperience, in hopes that he doesn't try to take advantage of the situation. The other more qualified lawyers I've met with cost 3 times as much!!
I made an appointment with my pcp in hopes to get some anxiety medications. I also met with my IC today who echoes what you all are saying.
I think I just have to go through the motions and file and hope that my head and heart catch up later because this waiting until I am "ready" isn't working. I'm scared of his reaction to being served. I don't know if he will hurt himself. Or just tell me more horrible things. Or make life difficult to get back at me. I very much dread his reaction.
I've not contacted him, but need to in order to ask him to respect a visitation schedule. We changed the locks on the door so he cannot just walk in. This will make him blow up. I prefer to warn him and ask him to respect a schedule than have him blow up when he is outside the house.
As you can tell, I am having a hard time not taking his hurtful comments to heart. I feel a little stronger each time I read everyone's comments.
I do want better for myself and for my daughter. This is why I took my DD and left our home... One that I love so much. It was excruciating, but I've not returned. He is the only partner I've had and don't know if there is better than this since everyone comes into a relationship with certain weaknesses and limitations.
I don't know how he can turn this around on me. I've not been the easiest spouse to live with since the affair because I'm hurting, but I don't think I've been a monster and made his life a living hell as he states. I'm so tired.
~~Tao Te Ching
He is unstable right now. He threatened your family....you have the right to change the locks. He lost the right to be told anything. Give him the rope to get arrested if he blows up at your door. You will be safe inside calling 911.
You aren't his mom, or his helper anymore. I know it is hard but let go or be dragged. Your job now is to take care of your child and yourself.
You have been horribly effected by his abuse and cannot see nor believe what we all are telling you, including your family. Fear is paralyzing you. You can do this....jump the net will appear.
I was you 6 years ago. I couldn't believe X-NPD was saying all these horrible things about me. I had an irrational need to defend myself to him...it did not help...it made it worse...he used my words against me....he tried to get me mentally weaker and weaker because all he cared about was himself.
We are all here for you. Please love yourself more than him.
You have been abused so long you are still afraid of dealing with the blowback of defying him. Honey he ain't your problem NO MORE! Do what makes sense to keep you safe. As you detach you will find your sanity coming back and your strength return as well. 1 month from now you will find yourself being happy and amazed that you don't have to feel guilty for it. 6 months from now you will have a whe new routine and shake your head in amazement to your prior situation and see your spouse for the NPD asshole he is. 1 year from now you find yourself a strong , confident, happy person who happens to be an awesome mom a great friend and a fierce defender of your rights and opinion.
(((( and strength)))).
Save yourself. He will do what he wants with r without you. You don't need the crazy. So let him travel that road on his own.
Do not initiate contact with this guy.
ALL contact through text/email right now. NO phone calls or person-to-person discussions.....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
[This message edited by Hopetosurvive98 at 7:36 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]
I've not responded despite the urge to do so. I go around the house and see the things he has done just recently when things were going well - took care of my car tire, brought a bunch of groceries to the house for my parents and I, flowers on our anniversary, and so many other things - his footprints reminding me of the not so distant past when he was nicer and I still had hope are all around me. It is unbelievable how things can spiral out of control. I should never of brought this into my parents home. I realize I am not responsible for my WH behavior, but I also regret bringing all the drama that goes along wit the ending of a marriage into this house for all to witness and suffer from as well. I do not regret separating, but I should have gone somewhere for my DD and I be alone or had him move out (he refused initially but maybe if I kept pushing he would of left).
I keep second guessing myself because I don't ever think that situations like these are the fault of one person. I don't blame myself for the affair because I did not have a say in that. But I do think that it takes an awful lot of patience, love, and making of a commitment of sorts in order to guide the chance for a reconciliation. I wavered so much, of course it only made matters worse. This is not to say that I am responsible for his horrific comments and behaviors. I just know that I did not do all I could of done to make things easier and more straightforward for us both because I was too angry, bitter, apprehensive, nervous, and scared. I never made the commitment that I was going to work this out with him. I wanted to see change before I made such a commitment. He was willing to make some, but not all and I was stubborn and did not try to reach a compromise. Too proud maybe? The BS must also help in the process because the WH cannot do it alone and I think I could of done a better job in many respects. I should have looked at the whole picture - our marriage, our past, our future, our daughter- instead of being so narrow minded and fixated on the affair.
Perhaps everyone is right, I have been in this so long that I can't see just how backwards my own thinking is at this point. Part of me thinks this is true because you all, my best friends, family members, and therapist are all saying the same thing. I agree with what you all are saying and that he is being abusive. I also believe that a marriage that falls apart cannot be the fault of one person and he cannot be a the total monster he is presenting himself to be right now. For 9/10 years, he was a good partner with some limitations. I have limitations as well. Our marriage had issues just like any other marriage. Its just that the affair magnifies and exponentiates our limitations as a couple and individuals as well as the problems within our marriage. TUSHNURSE- I hope that you are correct in that I will have a better sense of reality in a few months. if I am wrong in my thinking, I hope with time I will see the situation the ways others do.
Since I know this is the end, I spend a lot of time reflecting and see where things could have been better...how we could have treated each other better and I wish to go back and fix it.
Instead, I am applying for a loan so I can return he retainer agreement and the lawyer can get started on the restraining order and temporary orders. I've not slept, could barely look my DD in her gorgeous face because of the guilt I feel that her father and I could not keep our family together, and cannot stop trembling or retching.
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. I hope you can help see me through this. Perhaps i depend on this forum more than I should, but no one else i know personally had been through this situation.
I realize I am not responsible for my WH behavior, but I also regret bringing all the drama that goes along wit the ending of a marriage into this house for all to witness and suffer from as well. I do not regret separating, but I should have gone somewhere for my DD and I be alone or had him move out (he refused initially but maybe if I kept pushing he would of left).
Be safe. Maintain NC. AND STOP READING HIS ABUSIVE RANTS! (((((statistic)))))
There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox
So much self-recrimination in your posts, you have been led to believe very little in yourself, and take too much responsibility for others, including your family. Let them choose their actions for themselves, stop with this self-recrimination. Take a cue from their self-assertiveness, and fierceness on your behalf (because you are still not yet fierce for yourself. I mean like a tigress kind of fierce, a good protective fierceness. Roar.)
Your NPD is still succeeding in capturing your attention, and that is still habitual and reflexive for you. Soon, though, with some practice, help from your IC, friends and family, you will be fully focused on you (a proper 180, turning to face oneself), your daily activities, friends and future plans. Take one day at a time, but do include a daily practice, whether that be mindfulness, meditation, yoga or anything else that lets you focus on you because you seem to have forgotten how to do that.
Please do visit the NPD thread down in the I Can Relate forum - there are many in your position or who have been there. They can help you with the clarity of vision to see your man-child WS fully, with the perspicacity of their hard-won experience. You will be in good company. Your situation cannot be compared to many others in the Just Found Out forum, as you have a serious and abusive NPD man-child that endangers your mental and physical health as well as that of your child, so much of the more usual advice for a BS does not fully apply to you. The NPD veterans in that thread can hold your hand through this. We are all here for you.
Let it go. (Channel Idina!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DQYdcUB0eg
IT WOULD HAVE MADE NO DIFFERENCE. Your WH is on his own path. People say it here all the time: let go of the outcome. Be true to yourself, be fair to yourself.
None of us is perfect. If our relationship depends on us behaving perfectly all the time well... that's not much of a relationship, is it?
Your WH is clearly picking up on your overdeveloped sense of responsibility for him and his happiness, and exploiting that. Where's HIS concern for YOUR happiness? I don't see it anywhere. It's all about him.
Listen to these people. Keep him away -- he's poison. You need to clear your body and mind of the toxins.
Good luck. Stay strong.
. I go around the house and see the things he has done just recently when things were going well - took care of my car tire, brought a bunch of groceries to the house for my parents and I, flowers on our anniversary, and so many other things
This is called "grandstandiing" and is part of the abuse cycle. He uses this to hook you back into engaging with him. and then the cycle continues. Have you noticed he does that when he senses you have had enough? He does just enough to get you hooked again, hoping for that man you "remember" from long ago.
I agree, your sense of responsibility is out of control. That happened to me too. My people pleasing went nuts. I would hurt myself and my kids not to upset him. He would then blame me for the fall out from his acting out.
Good job for not contacting him. See, you did something strong for you and DD!! You can do this Stat. You have 1000's of us standing right behind you. Keep posting, keep reading and thinking about what everyone is saying.
[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 10:40 AM, January 14th (Tuesday)]
NOTHING YOU did had anything to do with this broken f'd up man. He did his best to hide his true self as long as he could unfortunately when he had too much going on, a wife and girlfriend he could no longer keep up the act for all to believe.
He is an abuser. Did you read that? Read it again. HE IS AN ABUSER. He could give two farts about you, and your daughter. It is the sad hard truth. NOW here is the really really cool part.
YOU KNOW THIS NOW!!!! You have been given the gift of a fresh new start. He will be your X husband, and part time dad (if any at all to your daughter) sooner than later. What a wonderful gift. No raising her in a home that is so broken, that is so messed up that mom doubts every move she makes, and does everything to please this abusive asshole. NO she is going to have a mommy that loves her is strong, and independent. YOU Can do this, YOU will do this, and you and your Daughter will be much better off.
You deserve much more. He has given you the gift of getting it.
He is so broken, and sick that he would never be able to give you and your daughter the love and support and repect, and honor you both deserve. Let him make his exit, and be happy that it happened now, and not when your daughter is 14, and you had burned another decade of your life away trying to keep him happy, and never being good enough for him.
YOU ARE PERFECT YOU ARE SMART YOU ARE STRONG. You need to keep telling yourself this, along with I DID ALL I COULD HE IS A SAD BROKEN LITTLE MAN. By little I mean in his spiritual self.
Take this gift, and run with it. You can do so much now. Focusing on making you and your daughter happy and healthy. From this day forward do one nice thing for YOU every day.
All this and never collected a dime from me. She told me that there are more important things going on right now that her fees.
All this to say that I found a lawyer that I can not only afford but feel I can trust. Still, I have to admit that I am going through the motions because I do not want a divorce. Pain and simple. I know that will disappoint many. My sister was surprised to hear me say that our loud. However, my lawyer said she could tell right away that I do not want a divorce, but that she thinks its the right thing to do. I know it is the right thing to do, but I do not want it. I'm living on hopes and dreams that I can get my life back. I am completely consumed by fear.
Still, I have to admit that I am going through the motions because I do not want a divorce. Pain and simple. I know that will disappoint many.
But stat? We each came to a point where we understood that D is what needed to happen. We get it. Truly. (((((statistic))))))
I'm so glad the lawyer is both a great fit and affordable for you. That's a great foundation for what's ahead of you.
Sending you continuing strength and comfort.
I keep reminding myself that this is not my doing. He can make arrangements to see her if he wanted to. I can't help but feel discarded. He is so sick of me and all the pain and suffering he sees when he looks at me... He forgets that we actually had some nice moments. He wants to start over new without the baggage (me and my family).
I've not communicate with him, but this is what he last said to me over the weekend. The more time passes,
The more I realize he meant what he said. I went from being his best friend and loving wife of 10 years- he even told me over and over again recently that I was his biggest supporter and the strongest person he ever met- to a burden he cannot wait to shed. How did I change in front of his eyes?
Read that again.
All of this - even his rants about you - are all about him. His "good guy" mask has slipped. The guy you are seeing now? Is the real him. Controlling, abusive, cruel, selfish, etc. That's the real him. And the cold viciousness? Is his fury that you saw the real him and aren't falling back into line.
I'm so sorry you are hurting. ((((hugs))))