I hear what you are saying and it makes sense... I just need to act on it. I just re-read the 180 and plan to enforce it because I'm tired of allowing myself to get hurt again and again.
I realize that this is an abusive cycle. I think I would be without guilt if I knew I did not set the cycle off. He was angry bc I sent text messages such as the one below after I saw some discrepancies in his whereabouts during the affair that he did not cop to-
" I'm sick of playing detective and proving to YOU what YOU already known but refuse to admit unless I show you absolute proof. Why don't you save me the time and headaches and tell me that you spent your free time with her or maybe someone else? Yes, you stayed late at work to hang out w her? That you spent your 2 hours lunch breaks with her? That you spent part of your birthday with her? You continuing to lie, minimize, etc will only guarantee our separation. Please stop putting me through this and tell me everything so I can start to move away from digging all the time! Do you see that you are causing me to lose my mind? Why don't you put a stop to it? And YES, I deserve to know all of these details!!!!!! I deserve to know when, where, why, how.."
This is the nature of my texts to him when I think I find out something new. It's my agree sickness and continued attack through messages such as these that initiate the cycle. This is where my guilt comes from. I could go about it in a better more nature way instead of saying such horrible things. This is why I continue to feel bad and take on at least part of the responsibility for our current state.
~~Tao Te Ching
No contact unless it's about your daughter or money. And that contact should be completely business like and concise. Even better, keep any contact to text or email. Way fewer emotional landmines that way, and you can take time before responding, which helps tremendously.
Turn your focus 100% away from him. Focus on you and your daughter. Practice self-care
Talk to a lawyer. Find out where you stand. Get temporary orders in place STAT for financials, visitation, and use of the house.
Hang in there, honey. You CAN do this. You are so much stronger than you can imagine.
"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana
He's still lying to you. That first response he sent you? I heard the exact same shit when I would figure out something that didn't *make sense* and ask about it.....and it didn't make sense because he was lying. Every.Time.
You are dealing with a guy whose pea-brain is telling him that HE is the 'victim' in this scenario. Does that even make sense?
He wanted all to be settled by New Years. If it wasn't settled, he was going to settle it for me and he did
Your WH is not a *nice* person who acts like a dick when he gets frustrated or upset. He is a dick who is *nice* to get what he wants.
As for not *listening* to the SI vets? There are very few newbies that do. I sure as hell didn't. I had the hardest head ever. Everyone had my stbx *pegged* from the moment I started posting here. I spent way too much of my time trying to *explain* to him what was 'wrong' about what he had done and was doing. And SI was telling me to knock it the hell off -- the advice stayed in my brain, but I continued on with the constant contact. All that I achieved was to prolong the inevitable. But now I've got quite a bit more 'fall-out' to deal with than I would have if I had made a clean break when I should have.
Think about this, Stat: you are dealing with a grown man. Does it make sense that you have to 'explain' to him that a relationship consists of 2 people? Should you have to 'explain' to him what it takes to make amends and atone for wrong-doing? No. Those are lessons that should be learned in childhood and should already be in his brain somewhere. You aren't his mother -- it isn't your job to teach him how to be a 'decent' human being. He either wants to be one or he wants to carry on being a hurtful asshole who blames everyone else for the problems that he creates. I'll let you figure out which option your WH fits into.
What happens about the rest like our marriage, is nothing really important or matters right now for me! I don't want anything to do with you from now on. Good bye!!!! Turning off my phone."
Go dark on this guy. Complete radio silence no matter WHAT he says. He's most likely not done with you yet. He'll be back with either a bunch of talk that sounds so sweet or with vitriolic anger about what an unreasonable bitch you are being and accusations that YOU are the *reason* for the problems. Do not take the bait. SBB down in D/S has a saying: There are no fish in this pond. This pond is out of water. Fuck off.
Get mad Stat.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I think I would be without guilt if I knew I did not set the cycle off.
So long as you act the way that he wants you to, then life is grand and he'll be as nice/kind/patient as he can be. BUT when you don't follow the *niceStat* script -- you need to be *punished* in the most cruel fashion
There was NOTHING out of line in what you wrote to him. NOTHING.
[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 10:01 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]
WH said my accusations about spending lunch time with her were unfounded as were the other things I accused him of in the text. He told me that he would sit down with me and explain all the discrepancies. I continued to ask him how I would know he was telling the truth? I asked him pointed questions about these discrepancies. He then shifted gears and got angry bc he said my imagination was taking things to far and I was making things up to fight about bc all my accusations were totally unfounded. I have a real hard time believing him the first time around. I have no proof, only suspicion and that is why I said what I did. I'm suspicious and paranoid and think the absolute worst whenever my radar detects something fishy.
I emailed our MC to set up an appointment for myself (not a couples session- MC said he can see us individually if we need it) and he responded right away and said I probably did over react since I had no proof and need to start trusting my husband somewhere. All of this is to say that I started a fight over things that he could of probably of explained away if I only gave him a chance to earn my trust back. Instead, I let my suspicions get the best of me over something that occurred long ago and most likely is unfounded, thereby erasing any attempts to improve that my WH has made.
I think I need a new IC. I'm sorry if I sound frustrated and hard headed. I am reading your comments over and over again and trying to shift my perspective to one that is healthier.
Can this change? Yes. But only if he sees the problem (him) and wants to do the VERY hard work to change. I don't see that happening --- at least not before you're ready to leave him behind forever. (In his fog he does not seem to understand that your tolerance and willingness to R is ticking away---he doesn't have the luxury of taking his sweet time getting where he needs to be.)
Did you notice how often he uses "u" in accusations only, and "me me me" so frequently when describing how very little YOU matter.
Lying, cheating, foggy bastard.
He is not being strong. He's being a controlling dick and throwing a mantrum to get you to fall back in line.
Trac-Fone tried this. About 6 weeks out, he told me I had until a date not very far hence by which I was expected to "be over it." Seriously, he expected me to be on a roughly 8-week time frame for healing. No one here knew any better than him! In fact, he posted a thread some might remember entitled, "How long do I have to eat this shit sandwich?" at about the 8-week mark. Eight weeks. It was hellish--but man, was it illuminating. That post showed me, more than any report from any psychiatrist, what a complete mess he was (and remains, 3.5 years later).
[This message edited by solus sto at 11:24 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]
Now you're talking yourself into this being your fault. You're a normal BS. You question, you have to make sense of what was you life at the time of the A.
The issue here is his reaction. He's not being patient. He's overreacting. What kind of remorseful WS leaves their BS and INFANT on NYE? And cuts off all means of contact?
You just posted that you're not going to be drawn into the cycle again, but as soon as he contacted, there you are. Right back into getting ready to take on the blame for his choices.
ETA- the above sounds harsh. I'm not angry at you, I'm angry FOR you.
[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 11:25 AM, January 1st (Wednesday)]
Holly- sorry, should of clarified. I was giving more background on yesterday's convo. I've not her from him since his good bye text. I plan to remain strong in the unlikely event he reaches out.
What kind of remorseful WS leaves their BS and INFANT on NYE? And cuts off all means of contact?
I emailed our MC to set up an appointment for myself (not a couples session- MC said he can see us individually if we need it) and he responded right away and said I probably did over react since I had no proof and need to start trusting my husband somewhere.
So far, he's showing that he's selfish, manipulative, angry, defensive, blameshifting...
Where's the trustworthy guy in that scenario?
Does your MC have experience in dealing with infidelity? I question his read of the situation and his advice to you to start trusting someone who is behaving as your husband is.
How do I get through these initial days of no contact? It's only been since late last night since I heard from him. His disregard cuts deeply. He doesn't know that our DD cried all night because of the loud fireworks. He doesn't know that she rolled over for the first time this morning. It would kill me to miss these sometimes small, yet very important things. How on earth can a person be so wrapped up in their own discomfort that it costs him his family? I will never understand.
Everyone is right... It's not my place to teach him. I hope one day I can see this point of my life with the same clarity you all do so I can stop second guessing myself.
Met when we were 17 and 15. Together since 1983, married since 1985. Two kids, B21, G15.
Life has a way of making us get our panties in a wad.....I refuse to wear panties ever again.
The kind who picks a fight so he can go spend the evening with his OW.
Keep this in mind. I am a recipient of this behavior then they come back all remorseful and wanting forgiveness....until the next time.
All of this is to say that I started a fight over things that he could of probably of explained away if I only gave him a chance to earn my trust back.
And YES, I deserve to know all of these details!!!
I would suggest that you dump the MC for now. This MC is doing more harm than good at this point. Being told that you need to start trusting your WH somewhere is just stupid advice because your WH has given you NO REASON to trust him. Your WH had your trust, he broke it....and now he needs to EARN it back. Bestowing trust on a person who is still super defensive and most likely still lying is self-destructive and ill-advised, IMO.
I saw some discrepancies in his whereabouts during the affair
I hope one day I can see this point of my life with the same clarity you all do so I can stop second guessing myself.