One is I have a friend that never confessed an affair that was a decade ago and after seeing what infidelity has done to me I don't think she will ever confess.
The other is I found out about one of my H's affairs 7 yrs after it was over. This knowledge has done ZERO for me. It was WELL over for him, for me it was brandnew and painful. I can honestly say that I am not better for having found out about it.
I think, based on you being here asking, you already know the answer that is right for you.
Also, I'm very surprised by some of the answers here. If you read some of the posts on the other forums, there is basically no one that says they'd rather not know when the question is asked. The answers in this thread seem a little skewed, imo.
I hope you find to courage to let your BS know, and are able to get through this together.
She's the smartest person I know and I honestly, genuinely think she knows about #2.
FWW and one of her OM reportedly said something similar about me. Presumed I knew and just did not care. I am smart, I should have realized what was going on, but I did not. My ignorance was a bliss.
I would never wish the aftermath of dday on any BS, but I would even more hate for people to know important and intimate details of my M that I did not.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:55 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]
Its over for my WH but near on a year later he confessed, it wasn't even a physical affair, he hadn't even met the woman in question, but it hurt like hell knowing he would ring her every day and text her ... it hurt like hell and I wish he hadn't told me!!!
She took away my ability to make informed decisions about my life and by doing so she took 10 years of my life hostage that I will never get back. My WW was unremorseful though. The only reason she confessed was because OM's BW confronted her outside of their apartment and the police were called. She figured I would find out when the cops came for a follow up.
I'm not bitter anymore. My life is mine to control again. I just wish my stbxww respected me enough and wasn't so selfish that she felt the need to lie to me for our entire marriage. Even after Dday I didn't leave, I understaood she had issues and needed to work them out. She couldn't though, she continued to lie and TT killed any love I had left. It's the lies that kill a BS and the longer you don't tell the bigger the explosion is when you finally do tell.
As for those that say they wish they had never known, to each his own but I thought that way initially as well. But if she had never told me I would be stuck in a miserable marriage and not know why. I thought my broken M was normal. I thought I was doing something wrong. I tried to reach out to my ww, I offered to seek counseling, I set up date nights, I was a good husband and father but I couldn't compete with fantasy because I was reality. I would gladly choose Dday and all the associated pain that came with it again because until then my life was a lie and honestly didn't make much sense to me. I much prefer living with the truth and the knowledge that I was NOT crazy all those years and I am in control of my own destiny once again.
Just my 2 cents.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:14 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]
My husband has no need for someone who lies to him. About anything. We were talking this morning, and he flat-out said he'd have more respect for a woman sho came up to him and said, "Hi, I'm easy. Wanna fuck?" than he would for someone who was that type of person but used any other tactics to get in his pants. That's not to say he'd be interested, but he would respect the blatant honesty. I have a feeling, based on what little you've said, that your wife would feel similarly.
That being said, you've expressed your blinding terror at losing your wife and family. I get that. I feel that way every day. Here's the thing...how much do you think your wife respects you for living this lie for so long if she, like you suspect, know's about A2? How much intimacy do you think has been lost in all those years with both of you knowing there was this huge smelly elephant in the room? You talk about how close your relationship is. Just imagine the increased closeness if there were truly no secrets between you!
Will she leave you? That's always a possibility when we make unilateral decisions in our relationships. We all, all WS's, acted without regard to our partners, you included. BUT if you clear this mountain range you've put up between the two of you, she will be free to be included in that decision, finally. She may leave, she may just need some time away from you, she may be grateful to learn she's not crazy about your past behavior (and she DOES suspect it, make no mistake). And maybe she'll show the grace you praise her for and work toward forgiveness and acceptance. Right now, you're still making that decision for her. You're forcing her to live a lie. And you're not giving her the credit she obviously deserves.
You've already done the damage. She has the right to know if she wants to try to repair it.
You don't knowingly take away another person's right to make informed decisions about their life.
My WS had multiple affairs, some of them years and years ago... he thought he fixed himself and it was over. Then he confessed and realized he'd barely scratched the surface. By not telling, you're not just hurting the marriage, you're hurting yourself and disrespecting your wife.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
I don't know. I've been the WS and the BS at this point in my life and I guess I could say and probably have said at times that I wish I'd never found out. Keep the painful truth, and I'll take the comfy lie. But in reality, it's just wrong for another person to hold something about my own marriage secret from me. If it was phrased differently: would you want your spouse to be experiencing a different marriage than they allow you to experience? would you want your spouse to engage in a cover-up? would you want to be married to someone who made the decision to choose which parts of the marriage they allowed you to know about? I wouldn't want any of those things, ever.
[This message edited by Bdell at 11:45 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]
Also, I'm very surprised by some of the answers here. If you read some of the posts on the other forums, there is basically no one that says they'd rather not know when the question is asked. The answers in this thread seem a little skewed, imo
Interesting. I don't really read any other forums on this topic, but I have talked to several people in real life and some have said they would rather not know, and I believe them. I also told my sister that her H "hit on me" on my 25th birthday. I could tell she would rather I had not told her. I don't regret telling her though, because at the very least, he learned to never try that stunt with me again.
Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.