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User Topic: Do you always have to tell?
♀ Member
Member # 23769
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not always believe confession is best. I am a BS. I am coming from two different angles here.

One is I have a friend that never confessed an affair that was a decade ago and after seeing what infidelity has done to me I don't think she will ever confess.

The other is I found out about one of my H's affairs 7 yrs after it was over. This knowledge has done ZERO for me. It was WELL over for him, for me it was brandnew and painful. I can honestly say that I am not better for having found out about it.

Married 1998, 2 kids
D-day3/27/09,he left 5/23/09
WH wants to rebuild 3/21/10
He moved back in 9/25/10,
Dec, 2011-finally putting it all together, H had multiple affairs.
Possible porn addict for 15 yrs.
01/2014- in house separation

Posts: 3280 | Registered: Apr 2009
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi yearsago,

I think, based on you being here asking, you already know the answer that is right for you.

Also, I'm very surprised by some of the answers here. If you read some of the posts on the other forums, there is basically no one that says they'd rather not know when the question is asked. The answers in this thread seem a little skewed, imo.

I hope you find to courage to let your BS know, and are able to get through this together.


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


She's the smartest person I know and I honestly, genuinely think she knows about #2.

FWW and one of her OM reportedly said something similar about me. Presumed I knew and just did not care. I am smart, I should have realized what was going on, but I did not. My ignorance was a bliss.

I would never wish the aftermath of dday on any BS, but I would even more hate for people to know important and intimate details of my M that I did not.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:55 PM, January 2nd (Thursday)]

FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4133 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
♀ Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I didn't know!

Its over for my WH but near on a year later he confessed, it wasn't even a physical affair, he hadn't even met the woman in question, but it hurt like hell knowing he would ring her every day and text her ... it hurt like hell and I wish he hadn't told me!!!

Me & Hubby = aged 46
Together 16 years
Married 9 years
He had 1 yr EA in chat room then 6mths EA phone/texting with same woman.
Cyber sexed with many OW in chat room for at least 1 year.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BH and I believe you should always tell. You don't knowingly take away another person's right to make informed decisions about their life. I found out about my STBXWW 3 yr LTA with a coworker after we had been married for 7 years. 3 months after Dday I found out she had an A 1 year after we were married. I feel like she stole those years from me. I was not given the right to make decisions about my life. Decisions were made for me without my consent or agreement. I made career choices and life decisions because I thought my WW and I were on the same page. The reality of it is we weren't and she just never told me.

She took away my ability to make informed decisions about my life and by doing so she took 10 years of my life hostage that I will never get back. My WW was unremorseful though. The only reason she confessed was because OM's BW confronted her outside of their apartment and the police were called. She figured I would find out when the cops came for a follow up.

I'm not bitter anymore. My life is mine to control again. I just wish my stbxww respected me enough and wasn't so selfish that she felt the need to lie to me for our entire marriage. Even after Dday I didn't leave, I understaood she had issues and needed to work them out. She couldn't though, she continued to lie and TT killed any love I had left. It's the lies that kill a BS and the longer you don't tell the bigger the explosion is when you finally do tell.

As for those that say they wish they had never known, to each his own but I thought that way initially as well. But if she had never told me I would be stuck in a miserable marriage and not know why. I thought my broken M was normal. I thought I was doing something wrong. I tried to reach out to my ww, I offered to seek counseling, I set up date nights, I was a good husband and father but I couldn't compete with fantasy because I was reality. I would gladly choose Dday and all the associated pain that came with it again because until then my life was a lie and honestly didn't make much sense to me. I much prefer living with the truth and the knowledge that I was NOT crazy all those years and I am in control of my own destiny once again.

Just my 2 cents.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:14 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
♀ New Member
Member # 19600
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way you describe your wife, she sounds very similar to my husband. You made a point to say how honest she is. If she makes it a point in her life to be as honest as you say, I can assure you that she, like my husband, respects and values honesty above all else.

My husband has no need for someone who lies to him. About anything. We were talking this morning, and he flat-out said he'd have more respect for a woman sho came up to him and said, "Hi, I'm easy. Wanna fuck?" than he would for someone who was that type of person but used any other tactics to get in his pants. That's not to say he'd be interested, but he would respect the blatant honesty. I have a feeling, based on what little you've said, that your wife would feel similarly.

That being said, you've expressed your blinding terror at losing your wife and family. I get that. I feel that way every day. Here's the much do you think your wife respects you for living this lie for so long if she, like you suspect, know's about A2? How much intimacy do you think has been lost in all those years with both of you knowing there was this huge smelly elephant in the room? You talk about how close your relationship is. Just imagine the increased closeness if there were truly no secrets between you!

Will she leave you? That's always a possibility when we make unilateral decisions in our relationships. We all, all WS's, acted without regard to our partners, you included. BUT if you clear this mountain range you've put up between the two of you, she will be free to be included in that decision, finally. She may leave, she may just need some time away from you, she may be grateful to learn she's not crazy about your past behavior (and she DOES suspect it, make no mistake). And maybe she'll show the grace you praise her for and work toward forgiveness and acceptance. Right now, you're still making that decision for her. You're forcing her to live a lie. And you're not giving her the credit she obviously deserves.

You've already done the damage. She has the right to know if she wants to try to repair it.

Me: Madhatter, 31
Him: Madhatter, 41
Together since Feb 1, 2003; married Feb 1, 2012
Initial D-day (mine): August 13, 2007
He confessed two RA's over the following months.
Hoping and praying for R

Posts: 23 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Texas
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't knowingly take away another person's right to make informed decisions about their life.


My WS had multiple affairs, some of them years and years ago... he thought he fixed himself and it was over. Then he confessed and realized he'd barely scratched the surface. By not telling, you're not just hurting the marriage, you're hurting yourself and disrespecting your wife.

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

7years hits on something you may know, or may not even realize, youve done, this pain had to go somewhere, and it likely came out in the form of gaslighting. She probably had some gut instinct something was wrong but couldnt figure out what it was. Happens a lot, your lies and issues during that period may have driven her crazy. Of course thats just a guess, and i have to agree completely with the voices of complete disclosure. You say youre being completely honest, except the elephant in the room. This is a long term lie, not a long term solution. Letting go of that control over events is the only way you will really be honest, and its also the only way to avoid this guilt and shame from coming out in worse ways. Count me as one of those betrayed spouses that was hardcore walk out the door no matter what and even I tried to reconcile. You never know until youre actually in those shoes.

I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013

Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
♀ Member
Member # 6687
Default  Posted: 3:40 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From what yearsago wrote, her BS did suspect and confront and was lied to. I think that's different than someone who has never had a clue that their spouse was unfaithful. That's someone who knows and has had to deal with that knowledge privately.

I don't know. I've been the WS and the BS at this point in my life and I guess I could say and probably have said at times that I wish I'd never found out. Keep the painful truth, and I'll take the comfy lie. But in reality, it's just wrong for another person to hold something about my own marriage secret from me. If it was phrased differently: would you want your spouse to be experiencing a different marriage than they allow you to experience? would you want your spouse to engage in a cover-up? would you want to be married to someone who made the decision to choose which parts of the marriage they allowed you to know about? I wouldn't want any of those things, ever.

Posts: 3195 | Registered: Mar 2005
Member # 41673
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY wife had a 5 month affair (2 months PA) 4 years ago. she went to IC and her counselor told her to "bear her burden of guilt" not tell me, but work on being the best wife and mother she could be. That the guilt would fade, in time. Well I found out from another source. Since that time she has shown complete remorse, has bent over backwards and done handstands to prove herself, but the fact that she never confided in me, is an enormous stumbling block to our recovery. IMHO, you should tell for two reasons, to show respect for your BS, and because there is always the possibility that the BS might find out from another source, like me. If my wife had told me at the time, I know that I would have tried to work it out. Because she didn't we are very near divorce. Probably 80-20 in favor of D.

[This message edited by Bdell at 11:45 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]

Posts: 240 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Indiana
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Poster on another thread was talking about her wh confessing to an affair that happened a long time ago. For 8 years the OW stalked him. The WH was paranoid for his BW's safety and exhbited other crazy behaviors. After dday all this stuff started to make sense. My bet is there was a ton of gaslighting from your side, and you may not even realize it. In some ways it will be a relief for her.

I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013

Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
♀ Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Although I suspected for years and threw it up at him at every fight, of which there were many, he lied every time. Finally 22 years later in a fight, he came clean. Had he been like you and woke up and changed into a wonderful husband it might have been easier to live with but no, he was afraid I would leave him if I knew he treated me horribly for all the 22 years after. The worst for me now is having no respect for myself for putting up with that treatment for so long.
I don't feel you can ever say you have a wonderful marriage if you are living a lie. Just MHO.

BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
♀ Member
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I'm very surprised by some of the answers here. If you read some of the posts on the other forums, there is basically no one that says they'd rather not know when the question is asked. The answers in this thread seem a little skewed, imo

Interesting. I don't really read any other forums on this topic, but I have talked to several people in real life and some have said they would rather not know, and I believe them. I also told my sister that her H "hit on me" on my 25th birthday. I could tell she would rather I had not told her. I don't regret telling her though, because at the very least, he learned to never try that stunt with me again.

Posts: 5760 | Registered: Apr 2006
♀ Member
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 7:08 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im on the fence with this one? It sounds like you have stopped all the behaviors? I don't know if I would tell and Im a BS, I just don't know if I would want to cause someone so much pain. Have you gone to IC? Maybe you should! Do you know why you did that? Have you worked on yourself? You say you have another baby on the way? Do you really want to cause all this pain? I hope you find your way to whatever decision you make.


Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.

Posts: 216 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
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