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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: hardest thing you have done
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Stop  Posted: 6:57 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is thr hardest or most painful thing you have done since DDay?

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2012
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 7:02 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wrote a letter to my sons that I hope they may never read. Cried all the way through it. They are to young at this point. But to write that may be the hardest thing I have done yet. To sit here and ask my little boys to find forgivness in their hearts for me. For taking a piece of their childhood. For causing so much pain to their mother. God I'm crying now. I can't believe what I have done to my family

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2012
longroadhome
♂ Member
Member # 32428
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry for your pain, brother.

For me, it's witnessing the lasting pain I've inflicted on the kind, loving woman sitting across the room from me right now. Even on her best days, I can see the hurt in her eyes, that her smile isn't as bright as it used to be, that she doesn't engage life the same way. She used to be just generally so happy. I face the fact that I destroyed that and it breaks my heart every day.


Me: WH
Her: BW, and the most amazing, beautiful person I've ever known

It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier


Posts: 547 | Registered: Jun 2011
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Post here. Honestly.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daisy, I'm sorry. I don't understand your post?

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2012
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Telling our three children I cheated on their mother. (2 adults, 1 teenager)
Hardest thing I've ever done in my life.
I tear up just thinking about it.
Scream, I feel you.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 10:06 AM, January 2nd (Thursday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you had to go there. My boys are to young now to understand the damage I have caused. When they do read this letter or another that I may write to them. I hope they can still love me. Dear god what have I done? Like a hammer hitting me all over. My wife, I can't imagine.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2012
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seems to me like everything I used to be is gone

I destroyed my wonderful family and I lost everything. Up till today, I dont think I have ever forgiven myself.

The most painful part about all of this is losing my adult son's respect. (not necessarily doing it but causing it). This is truly tearing me apart


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had an IC meeting a few weeks ago. Had me go back and think about when and how my wife found out. See I was a coward. I lied, lied. To the point my wife texted her and got the truth from her. I can still see and feel that night. I became sick and emotional in his office. Like nothing I could explain. But tonight writing this letter to my 2 little boys. I am just so sorry. Breaking. Feel like I'm breaking. I know what I have done. I think I now feel what I have done. Can barely hold my self together with each post I write and read. Thank you all.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2012
wanttounderstand
♀ New Member
Member # 33819
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dealing with my AP's suicide after I ended the affair. And then spending the next 30 years hating myself.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Nov 2011
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanttounderstand. im sorry. i cant think of thatkind of guilt

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2012
wanttounderstand
♀ New Member
Member # 33819
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, January 1st (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Scream, I share this for one reason only. Affairs are not fun and games. This is some serious sh*t and I am not sure everyone realizes this. Every affair does not end in tragedy and a lifetime of pain for the innocent and the guilty, but every affair has that potential. If my experience helps one person rethink their choices, then it is worth sharing IMHO. Take care.

Posts: 47 | Registered: Nov 2011
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 5:03 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry that you are here. I'm sorry you have this kind of story. I hope that its not thought of this way. I have never seen anyone on this site treat it that way. Take care of yourself

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2012
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hardest thing I have done regarding the A was to post here. I have told no one what has happened until now. Not even my best friend of over 40 years.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
scream
♂ Member
Member # 36506
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Daisy. I know posting somethings here can be really hard. This post maybe the most honest and painful one yet for me. Back at work. Where I was last night when I started. Just a few hours sleep. Cuddled up to my wife when I got in bed. Let her fall back asleep. Got up this morning, and got here and still as emotional as I was last night when I posted.

Posts: 287 | Registered: Aug 2012
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you're hurting scream. I know what you're feeling. There are some times when it just comes crashing down around me and the worst feeling of panic/dread/horror/sadness/shame overwhelm me.

Be gentle with yourself. Remember to breathe.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6170 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hardest thing I've done? Look at myself, *really* look at myself. And not only myself but my family and my childhood. I had to step back, take off the rose-tinted glasses and admit I was deluding myself about a lot of things. That, and accept myself for who I am, not who I thought I was.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5879 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to step back, take off the rose-tinted glasses and admit I was deluding myself about a lot of things. That, and accept myself for who I am, not who I thought I was.
This.
Once I took a good long look in the mirror and realized I didn't like the person I was looking at it totally rocked my boat. I have spent years telling myself I'm this or that when in reality it wasn't the truth.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
kmom2662
♀ Member
Member # 41494
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The hardest thing was listening to my H sobbing after I said the AP's name in my sleep. He was able to use the name to identify the AP. We have both had trouble sleeping ever since-- both of us are terrified that it will happen again, and I have no way to make sure it doesn't.


Me-- WW, 49
Him-- BH, 53 (bobf)
Married 22 years
OEA, chat/email with multiple people over an 8 week period, 8/2013-10/4/2013
D-day 10/4/13
Working on reconciliation

Posts: 69 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United states
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kmom, you can make sure it doesn't happen again by finding out why it happened the first time. You can ask for help. That's what we're here for.

(Sorry if I t/j'ed)


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5879 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Topic Posts: 38
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