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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: The Danger of Affairs
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Concerned  Posted: 8:21 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BH sent me a link to this thread (I'm on here all the time and had been reading it). Initially I dismissed his fears, and got angry with our MC when she agreed that he was faced with real danger.

For me in fogginess I can't imagine that these people I "respected" and "know" so well could possibly do anything harmful. But, then I remind myself that I have no way of knowing what might be the outcome. I couldn't have predicted my own reactions to discovery, nor my BH's. It's the whole "I knew it would hurt, but I didn't know it would hurt like this" experience.

It's chilling to think about the stories of people who have been given positions of authority and power. The story above of the cop who cheated (for example). It's just... All I can think is this: "Who will watch the watchers?"

* quotations on the words respect and know are to indicate an awareness that I neither respected nor knew these people. Just the "best" version that they felt like showing me.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 366 | Registered: Dec 2013
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I was involved in my A there were many things I never thought about. BHs feelings,our families,how it would affect our DD

I am a BS and I really do not understand how this happens, this non-thinking. Can someone explain it to me?

And it's not always crazy people who do violent things. Is it temporary insanity? Just something about your spouse fucking someone else that makes otherwise rational people go off the deep end sometimes. For me, it never went past fantasy retribution, but looking back even my imagination was scary! I hate even having been put into a situation that caused me to react with such a violent imagination.


Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agony,
Thats exactly the point I was trying to make....that I never stopped to consider how my selfish choices could affect my BH and our DD.

And I agree its not always crazy people....its people reacting to a traumatic situation.

Ticking,
I'm sorry that you found my post to be made up drama and to hear it irked you. I don't think its made up since as we all know these things do happen everyday.....the point of my post was to say I never considered the drama and am lucky my A didn't end in someone being physically hurt.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 737 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssamd24, thanks for reply but HOW does it happen that one does NOT STOP to consider the others?

I don't know for how long your affair went on but I really don't understand how one can NOT STOP to consider.

I mean, i really want to know. Because I have left the stove on and burnt pots. I have left the bathtub running for 2 or 3 hours (thanks heaven for good over drainage!) I have totally forgotten things that I was supposed to do, etc. But I cannot imagine not stopping to think about the other people affected.

I'm not being belligerent. I just really want to try to understand HOW this happens, this non-thinking.

I Just can't wrap my head around it.

And I'm not perfect; i just don't get this at all.

Thanks for any illumination.
Cheers.


Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 8:57 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agony, I think the term you're looking for is compartmentalization. Basically (as I understand it), a wayward is a husband/wife in the presence of their spouse, and a boyfriend/girlfriend in the presence of the AP, and they convince themselves that one has nothing to do with the other. You wear one hat in one situation, another hat in another situation, and try to keep the two worlds from colliding to the extent possible. The affair life becomes a fantasy/escape from the drudgery of married life that one convinces themselves that they deserve, no one will get hurt, I can juggle these two lives, etc. In many cases it's a maladaptive coping mechanism that has its origins in childhood traumas.

Stopping to consider the consequences of the act is a threat to the fantasy and the daily/weekly/monthly escape it affords. So it doesn't happen, or isn't enough to stop the affair in most cases even if it does happen from time-to-time.

I may be off base and if so our recovering waywards can correct me, but that's how it seems to me from what my wife has told me and from what I've gathered after 9 months on SI.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciling


Posts: 1326 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe a betrayed spouse can experience temporary insanity and some may act on their homicidal or suicidal thoughts.

I'm a true crime show junkie and so many murders relate to adultery. I strongly believe that cheaters should have to face legal consequences because it is so very dangerous and abusive.

In my case the OW was stalking me during the A when I was unaware of what was going on. Once I saw her pic I recognised she had casually spoken to me in a store. She also visited my home while I was there and watched me outside from the woods. She made comments to my H about what I was doing. And once I knew her car my D and I both remember it parked down road. Very creepy stuff. I was very afraid of what she might do in addition to just going thru the trauma.

[This message edited by whattheh at 9:12 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 482 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agony,
That's a very valid point and I agree with you whole heartedly. ...its ridiculous that I never stopped to think of how my actions would affect them.....I guess I did stop to think of how it would affect them, but at that point I was so wrapped up in my A I continued anyways.....it was very fucked up and selfish and I hate to admit it, but that's the truth.

I believe what Sal said is correct, I compartmentalized and separated both parts of my life.....my time with my family as a wife and mother, and my "relationship" with my XAP.

And btw my A was a PA for 3 months and an EA for 9 months.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 737 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Alyssamd24 and Sal. My stbx-asshole's was much longer and I'm not hearing anything even close to the sort of understanding you are seeking. To to his compartmentalization, I can probably add "it want what I want when I want it." Ie selfish ass. So there are degrees of "sin". And amends or lack thereof.


Me BS 49,Him: narcissist! Truly. 5yr++ LTA. DDays 4/2013, 2/2014 true Jekyll Hyde. Planning escape from truly narcissistic abuser. Have ridden wicked emotional ride. Now teeter between disgust and abject pity.

Posts: 546 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

few points.

I worked for a private investigator back in 2000, pre marriage.

We had a case involving infidelity (more than half the cases in the office).

Our client was a BW and we were investigating her WH.

One of the investigators was going to bring an envelope of evidence to the OW's BH. The morning he went? Dozen's of police and ambulances in front of the OW and OWBH home.

Why? OWBH killed her, then shot himself because he'd found out about the affair on his own.

They left behind two young teen girls.

Secondly, my WH was the king of compartmentalization. And? He thought, if I never found out, I wouldn't get hurt. He lived two complete separate lives. They never crossed paths. He never intended for me to find out, ergo he never thought how it would affect me, our children or our marriage because he didn't intend for me to find out.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
watersofavalon
♀ Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is the reason I didn't expose the affair to OWs BH. He is a genuinely scary man - been in prison for GBH, according to OW he ia abusive and controlling (which begs the question why she married him after living with him for 3 years but hey ho....). I like to think I was concerned her her safety but the probably truth was I was concerned for mine and my children. We live less than a mile from their house and I could just see him turning up on our doorstep shouting the odds. I mentioed this to H not long after dday and he just sneered and said he could handle him. Arrogant twat! What about the rest of his family?


Me - BW 48
H - 51
T 30 years
M 20 years

3 children from 10 to 16.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 10:20 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

watersofavalon...

This thread is not for BS's to vent on, please post accordingly.

Thank you.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196464 | Registered: May 2002
watersofavalon
♀ Member
Member # 37984
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry if I broke the rules. Wasn't meant to be a vent, just my experience and opinion on the topic.


Me - BW 48
H - 51
T 30 years
M 20 years

3 children from 10 to 16.

EA with coworker for 6m maybe longer. She was 25!!
Dday 26/6/2012.

Reconciling. Hard work isn't it?


Posts: 69 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: UK
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 7:18 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wh's ow was stalking us. She found out my name, was online stalking me, had people driving past our house. Even said she was going to get a job In our town.
She found Out where I worked. That's where she called me.
Wh still says to this day that she would not have harmed me or our kids. But u never know! Most people don't think that or they wouldn't have had the affair. Good thread.


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Topic Posts: 53
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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