The next day, I woke up to several angry "This is HIS WIFE, that's MY husband and who the fuck do you think you are?" type of texts. I was seriously confused - the guy has a fiancée but we all know her and she's always been really friendly. She works nights, which is why we didn't include her in the invitation, and she's never minded when he's gone out with us before.
When I apologized to him the next day for upsetting her, he said he didn't get anything from me and showed me his phone. I showed him mine, he looked at the number on his contact and lo and behold, I had the number of a different coworker under his name. (It turns out their numbers had gotten swapped in our company phone directory, which explained the problem.)
I immediately texted the other coworker and apologized, explaining the mix-up and told him to have his wife call me if she had any questions. I heard nothing from either of them for weeks and today, I got a request from her on LinkedIn.
Part of me wants to just shrug it off - I honestly didn't say anything inappropriate. But part of me thinks I should talk to her because I've been the wife at home wondering what my (X)H was up to.
I don't know that I want to step in whatever is going on here, though... who knows what's happening in their relationship, especially if she's hopped up enough to track me down weeks later? Besides, I don't think it's a good idea to address this over something with business ties. And I'm reluctant to talk to him about it because I don't want it to look like he and I are conspiring against her and keeping secrets, you know?
Maybe I'm overthinking it... I don't know, WWYD?
I immediately texted the other coworker and apologized, explaining the mix-up and told him to have his wife call me if she had any questions.
DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)
WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs
Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.
There are so many scenarios, including her cheating on him, that whatever you tried to do would make whatever really is going on worse, not better.
There is so little positive that could come out of this shrugging it off is the best course of action.
Remarried to a supremely wonderful person!
I think that since you offered to talk, the ball is in her court to either take you up on that or leave you alone. The LinkedIn thing is a little too... passive aggressive. I mean, we all have sympathy for the BS who gets constantly lied to, and as far as she knows you're an OW who is lying to her as well... but that doesn't mean you have to get caught up in the crap.
Knowing what we know now, I think it's ok to chat it out if she calls, and maybe direct her to a little place known as SurvivingInfidelity.com?
Again - you actively pursuing this after your response doesn't seem necessary.
But, you did reach out to the co-worker, it was just an innocent mistake, though if it were me, I'd want a bit more info. Not that it's your responsibility to do so under the circumstances.
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo
To this woman you are an OW. I would absolutely not connect with her on LinkedIn - she may be out for revenge. She isn't going to believe anything you say.
Whether or not either of them are cheating is not your concern.
Me? I'd message her on LinkedIn and apologise again. I'd tell her I am NOT an OW and I do not wish to stay in contact with her.
I'd probably explain to her what happened to me and that I completely understand that she does not believe a word I say. I would assure her I have deleted colleagues number from my phone and will never have another thing to do with him again.
Reading this I felt great empathy. I immediately imagined this happening in a future relationship. There is no way in hell I would ever believe that this was an accident. I would probably end the relationship based on this.
That is what would make me want to at least try to set the record straight even though I know there is no way you can prove it isn't what she thinks it is.
Send her a detailed messages and let it go...
She waits WEEKS to contact you and then does it via a professional networking site? Hmmm...no.
You've already apologized (although it's not clear that the guy who received the text isn't someone you hang out with). I'm assuming he/they are not part of your usual crowd?
It was an honest mistake, and if he did a poor job of relating that to his wife, that is not your problem.
Let it go.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!
Because in my situation I didn't know if I was the OW at first or if I was being cheated on. Found I was being cheated on.
I hate her feeling how she must be feeling... and honestly, I hate being thought of an OW just as much. I would never do another woman what was done to me. Ever.
Thanks for all of your thoughts, guys... I really appreciate it.
[This message edited by wildbananas at 6:29 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]
I would probably accept the linkedin request and see if she tries to reach out to you further. I may even consider reiterating in a message to her your original text.
I think most of us agree that there could be a likely reason that she reacted so strongly. And also, how many of us took weeks to work up the nerve to confront, ask questions, etc. of our partners-much less the AP's??
Of course you have done nothing wrong and you have nothing to hide. You can prove to her that it was a mistake.
Who knows if her H even showed her the apology text---and even if he did---if he is a WS, we allllll know that the AP would lie to help him cover his tracks.
If she turns out to be bat shit crazy on linkedin, delete her. Done. Over.
If he is GL'ing her, we also know that can make a BS appear to be bat shit crazy. Blech.
You can't prove someone isn't cheating. Even if you can verify that it wasn't with you. It will only fuel the gas-lighting.
If he is honest and open and innocent and she is 10 shades of crazy, well that also has nothing to do with you, and is something he will have to work out himself.
I guess I'd better say something quick before she shows up at work and tries to have a sit-down with me...
As former BS's we feel sympathy and want to help if we can, but we don't have to put up with any cray cray.