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User Topic: Angry wife... wwyd?
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A few weeks ago, I was having a drink with several coworkers. We were in a town where another coworker lives and we wanted to invite him, so I texted him to ask if he wanted to join us and named off names of who was there. I got a message back saying he was hanging with family, so I just said okay, we'll have one for you and that was that.

The next day, I woke up to several angry "This is HIS WIFE, that's MY husband and who the fuck do you think you are?" type of texts. I was seriously confused - the guy has a fiancée but we all know her and she's always been really friendly. She works nights, which is why we didn't include her in the invitation, and she's never minded when he's gone out with us before.

When I apologized to him the next day for upsetting her, he said he didn't get anything from me and showed me his phone. I showed him mine, he looked at the number on his contact and lo and behold, I had the number of a different coworker under his name. (It turns out their numbers had gotten swapped in our company phone directory, which explained the problem.)

I immediately texted the other coworker and apologized, explaining the mix-up and told him to have his wife call me if she had any questions. I heard nothing from either of them for weeks and today, I got a request from her on LinkedIn.

Part of me wants to just shrug it off - I honestly didn't say anything inappropriate. But part of me thinks I should talk to her because I've been the wife at home wondering what my (X)H was up to.

I don't know that I want to step in whatever is going on here, though... who knows what's happening in their relationship, especially if she's hopped up enough to track me down weeks later? Besides, I don't think it's a good idea to address this over something with business ties. And I'm reluctant to talk to him about it because I don't want it to look like he and I are conspiring against her and keeping secrets, you know?

Maybe I'm overthinking it... I don't know, WWYD?


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15363 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I immediately texted the other coworker and apologized, explaining the mix-up and told him to have his wife call me if she had any questions.
I think I'd leave it alone if I were in your position. Having been on the BS end, I do feel bad for the angry wife, however, you did respond, apologize, and offer to speak to her.
You know it was an accident/misunderstanding. Let this one roll off your back.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6112 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
soulsearcher4
♂ Member
Member # 29540
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you don't know this person, and really don't know what's going on, then really it's best to stay out of it.

There are so many scenarios, including her cheating on him, that whatever you tried to do would make whatever really is going on worse, not better.

There is so little positive that could come out of this shrugging it off is the best course of action.


Me: BS
Her: WS

Divorced.

Remarried to a supremely wonderful person!


Posts: 167 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: So.Cal.
thyme2go
♂ Member
Member # 12908
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do, or say, nothing.


BH - no longer 48
3 DD's - (27, 24 and 17)
Divorced on 8/6/09

Posts: 9175 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Eastern Washington
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yuck - what a thing to get caught in the middle of.

I think that since you offered to talk, the ball is in her court to either take you up on that or leave you alone. The LinkedIn thing is a little too... passive aggressive. I mean, we all have sympathy for the BS who gets constantly lied to, and as far as she knows you're an OW who is lying to her as well... but that doesn't mean you have to get caught up in the crap.

Knowing what we know now, I think it's ok to chat it out if she calls, and maybe direct her to a little place known as SurvivingInfidelity.com?

Again - you actively pursuing this after your response doesn't seem necessary.

(((wildbananas)))


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16477 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Considering the unfortunate percentage of infidelity in marriages, it's quite possible your contact hit an appropriate nerve.

But, you did reach out to the co-worker, it was just an innocent mistake, though if it were me, I'd want a bit more info. Not that it's your responsibility to do so under the circumstances.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4380 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone wanna bet that this guy is cheating anyway?


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3208 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkey, that's what I thought. And Linkedin feels safer than meeting in person. Perhaps this is her way to contact you?


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know what is so messed up - this is exactly the kind of story so many of us were given that later turned out to be bullshit.

To this woman you are an OW. I would absolutely not connect with her on LinkedIn - she may be out for revenge. She isn't going to believe anything you say.

Whether or not either of them are cheating is not your concern.

Me? I'd message her on LinkedIn and apologise again. I'd tell her I am NOT an OW and I do not wish to stay in contact with her.

I'd probably explain to her what happened to me and that I completely understand that she does not believe a word I say. I would assure her I have deleted colleagues number from my phone and will never have another thing to do with him again.

Reading this I felt great empathy. I immediately imagined this happening in a future relationship. There is no way in hell I would ever believe that this was an accident. I would probably end the relationship based on this.

That is what would make me want to at least try to set the record straight even though I know there is no way you can prove it isn't what she thinks it is.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5462 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
idkam
♀ Member
Member # 18375
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would def send her a message on LinkedIn... If i was in that situation i would want to hear an explanation, whether she believes you or not is up to her...maybe he's not having sn affair snd you inadvertantly sent red flags to the wife..,

Send her a detailed messages and let it go...


People come into your life for a Reason, Season or a Lifetime..
Divorced

Posts: 1777 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Texas
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WWID?

Nothing.

She waits WEEKS to contact you and then does it via a professional networking site? Hmmm...no.

You've already apologized (although it's not clear that the guy who received the text isn't someone you hang out with). I'm assuming he/they are not part of your usual crowd?

It was an honest mistake, and if he did a poor job of relating that to his wife, that is not your problem.

Let it go.


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
amitheow
♀ Member
Member # 4691
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

can you make a copy of the company phone directory showing the mix up?


Old Timer, Just here to help
My screen name is: Am I The Ow? - Not Ami the OW.

Because in my situation I didn't know if I was the OW at first or if I was being cheated on. Found I was being cheated on.


Posts: 5082 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: Texas
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly don't know what to advise, but something similar happened many years ago.
My SUV broke down in a remote area of the desert. I called everybody on my Army alert roster in my brand new unit.
I left a benign message for all that I was the new soldier, and my SUV was broken down about 8 miles from the city on Hwy X. One of the soldiers got my message and came out and got me and we towed my SUV back to the city.
A few days later, some lady called me and cussed me out and threatened to come to where I lived and beat my ass. She told me she knew I was setting my sights on her H, and I was a dirty nasty whore, blah blah blah.
At first, I had no clue who she was even talking about. I didn't handle it well, chalk it up to being young and stupid, and I laughed at her and then told her I didn't want her ugly man, I just called because I was stranded in a new unit.
Ms. Crazy called a few times more and left messages threatening me.
I'm not saying to not let her contact you or vice versa, but just be careful and be prepared for anything.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2181 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ajsmom, this is someone I absolutely don't hang out with. I work in IT so I interface with everyone at one time or another but my contact with this guy is pretty minimal. Heck, I couldn't even tell you how many kids he has. If any. I barely know him.

I hate her feeling how she must be feeling... and honestly, I hate being thought of an OW just as much. I would never do another woman what was done to me. Ever.

Thanks for all of your thoughts, guys... I really appreciate it.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 6:29 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15363 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
goodbye_virginia
♀ Member
Member # 16321
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This would be really funny if it didn't hit a nerve with all us BS! I'd ignore it too, as you've already apologized and tried to explain.


Me- BW 35
Him - WH 43

Posts: 53 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Texas
AnnieOakley
♀ Member
Member # 13332
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WB~

I would probably accept the linkedin request and see if she tries to reach out to you further. I may even consider reiterating in a message to her your original text.

I think most of us agree that there could be a likely reason that she reacted so strongly. And also, how many of us took weeks to work up the nerve to confront, ask questions, etc. of our partners-much less the AP's??

Of course you have done nothing wrong and you have nothing to hide. You can prove to her that it was a mistake.

Who knows if her H even showed her the apology text---and even if he did---if he is a WS, we allllll know that the AP would lie to help him cover his tracks.

If she turns out to be bat shit crazy on linkedin, delete her. Done. Over.

If he is GL'ing her, we also know that can make a BS appear to be bat shit crazy. Blech.

Good Luck.


Me= BS, 45
Him=WH, 46
M=18+,T=21+
dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a recent work function), 11/09 VAR. Done.
"If you are going through hell, keep going." - Sir Winston Churchill

Posts: 1255 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: West
Tresemme
♀ Member
Member # 31185
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi...why not have the coworker who the texts were meant for contact her and explain the mix up in the directory and confirm to her the texts were sent to the wrong recipient...hearing this info from you initially and another coworker confirming it, especially bc the male coworker isnt her husband's bestie may reassure her..


(Me)Bw late 30s
On 5/1/10 I learned I hired a succubus as a live in nanny and that she was preg w an OC! Status-planning my escape ( im physically afraid of him or idve filed for D already)

Posts: 432 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Florida
Crescita
♀ Member
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are still looking for advice, I'd just let this one be. Whatever is going on with them goes way beyond your involvement.

You can't prove someone isn't cheating. Even if you can verify that it wasn't with you. It will only fuel the gas-lighting.

If he is honest and open and innocent and she is 10 shades of crazy, well that also has nothing to do with you, and is something he will have to work out himself.


Posts: 3278 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update... I haven't said anything to her but now she's trying to friend me on FB.

I guess I'd better say something quick before she shows up at work and tries to have a sit-down with me...


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15363 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 10:43 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh. Good luck with this. I suppose you can accept the FB friend request, send a personal message explaining the situation and mixup. Ask her if she has any questions and then answer them. You can always block her if it gets weird or ugly.

As former BS's we feel sympathy and want to help if we can, but we don't have to put up with any cray cray.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3021 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
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