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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: contacting your old exs ?
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


[This message edited by ionlytalkedtoher at 1:33 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
HoneyMe
♀ Member
Member # 40613
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please don't do it if either of you are married. That is exactly how my husband's affair began. An ex from college just wanted to see if "he was happy and healthy." Yeah right. Beyond that fact that I didn't deserve any of this, my daughters were devastated. Both of our families were very hurt. She ended up with a nice 2 month fuck-fest and my life was torn apart.


3 A's
Blinded-sided DD 9/2011
Again 11/2011 and then more truth the next day. Separated 4 months. 2012, the year of truth and reconciliation.

Posts: 70 | Registered: Sep 2013
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 8:47 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally get where you are coming from, but I don't think that's a good idea. It's a slippery slope, and while your WS deserves it, I don't think you'll feel any better.

Others will be along...I just wanted you to know you're heard.

(((Ionlytalkedtoher)))


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I would strongly recommend not sending a letter. First, you are emotionally in a undesirable situation with your WH and you are hurt. As you said, before all of this, you would never have thought about contacting him before this came up.

Second, even if you only want to send him a note, you know how easy it was to find him, you are probably pretty easy to find yourself. What purpose would the letter serve besides self fulfillment. It could however open a door that you do not want opened.

I had a friend open that door to a former GF after his wife died. Ended up causing a D between her and her H and then he walked away. All he did was stir the dust and another marriage fell apart.

IF you are at a reunion and see him, speak to him. However that is NOT the same as actively seeking him out and sending a letter.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1668 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out my high school love (now a surgeon) recently got divorce, too. I thought about doing the same thing you are thinking of doing. I was going to send him a Christmas card... I changed my mind. IF I wanted to start something up then, yes, I would contact him,, but if not, better let him go.


Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed


Posts: 2244 | Registered: Jan 2012
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 9:14 PM, January 2nd (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by ionlytalkedtoher at 1:34 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is dangerous and a big red flag. You're trying to justify all the reasons why you should do it vs. Why not. You're talking about how attractive he is. You looked up what kind of home he lives in. Why? Why does he need to know how you are after all thus time? He is an ex for a reason. There is absolutely no good justification to contact him now or 5 years from now. None.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 8:01 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ick! Shortly after my H's A'w were uncovered, he searched his old HS girlfriend. WHY? He said the same thing you did - blah blah blah.

I will be honest, I have googled my HS bf. We dated all thru HS & College, were "pre engaged" (WTF IS that anyways ). I even have fantasized about being an *Oprah couple* - you know, the long lost loves that are reunited on TV in their 80's and rekindle the love. Awwww so sweet... OY VAY.

Let it go. There is nothing good that can come out of it. You say you want him to know you are happy and not anything about the A. Why? Really ask yourself WHY. Why do you need him to know this? What good would truly come out of it? What could the far-reaching consequences be? Would you let your H in on this little rendezvous?

I think it's perfectly normal to have these kinds of feelings after being betrayed. But I think it is very dangerous to act upon them. Do YOU want to be THAT kind of person?


Love isn't what you say, it's what you do.

Posts: 6588 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My experience: an old GF - someone I really liked - connected with me in '05, and we became long distance friends who saw each other once a year. I thought. Our last contact was our first Skype several months ago. At that point, she seemed to want more from the relationship than friendship, and it was clear I didn't. Friendship lost.

BTW, I asked a Q about the relationship on SI, and the verdict was unanimous that this was a bad idea. I think SIers thought I was at risk of cheating, and I was sure I wasn't. I was right, but even so, the loss of the friendship and being part of something that was a step away from an EA is pretty unpleasant.

My opinion is the same as everyone else's: Don't do it unless you want to start an A.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10427 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are simply taking a look down the path not taken. Don't go down there. There is a slippery slope, there, as my WH would tell you.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

27 years is a very old can to open. I would strongly suggest that you continue to keep it closed.

You have to understand that none of this is fair - none of it. It's not fair to you that you were cheated on, and it wouldn't be fair to your husband if you cheated on him.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MY ex should also get a chance to know what happened to me.

I have no real desire to get back into his life ever again.

These are contradictory statements. Exhale, read them again, and know your true intentions.

I was in the almost EXACT situation you were in regards to exbf. My ex and I were still loosely friends, and I wanted to tell him EVERYTHING that happened. Why? Attention. Sympathy. Perhaps revenge? I thought that telling FWH my intentions would make it ok. Admission does NOT make anything right.

I did contact my ex, and he emailed me back with a cold, short blurb about how I needed to get back to "confident 'Jrazz' " and he wished me all the best. So not only did I feel like and idiot for reaching out, but it was not met with the response I had imagined.

It's ok that you're having these thoughts and feelings. It's normal.

Don't act on them.

(((ionly)))


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17890 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had thoughts about old GF's too. Those that I know about are married...those that I have lost touch with I have not even searched on them.

Perhaps if I were D that path would be an option (seeking out old GF's to see if they were married, NOT seeking to break another M up)....but until then doing any actions along those lines is WS thinking, hurtful to learning to R with your current spouse, and is far to dangerous to engage in.

I get what you are feeling....I really do. I had the "did I marry the wrong girl" thought several times too. Kicker is, my wife has had those thoughts pre-A.....it was a contributing factor to how she choose to operate within our marriage.

I am concerned about the amount of energy you already spent on this search.

Even if we don't think we are being influenced by our thoughts...we are. Once those thoughts translate into actions....the influence gets stronger.

I have been following your posts. Think you are 6-7 months from DD. That is when my RA threat was growing...as was my anger and RAGE. I think you are normal....so don't dismiss your feelings.

Feel those feelings....they are real. Just don't act on them...not yet. You can act on them later...if you decide your M is over and you are D.

Feelings are indicators, not dictators. You know something is missing, something is wrong....but it is NOT because you married the wrong man.....not yet anyway as your husband is attempting to R. And to do that he is changing. This horse is not done.....yet.

Just look at this site....look at the statistics of adultery......even if you think contacting your exBF is harmless because he is married, know that fact is present in many affairs.....married people often have affairs with married people. If single people have affairs with single people...we call that dating!

How far have you taken this line of thinking already? Have you reasoned out why your exBF has not had kids with his wife? Maybe reasoned that he is in a loveless relationship and you and he were meant to be together?

Those answers are not for me to know....the questions are to get you to pause....be still....and really think about what you are doing and contemplating doing.

How many of us would have loved our spouses to do that seemingly simple task before choosing adultery?

I urge you to show your husband the respect he was not willing to show you in the past.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:58 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are attention seeking. Needing validation. It is kind of normal post dday, but not healthy. Do not do this. Look deep within yourself and discover the true meaning behind your need to do this.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6569 | Registered: Jan 2011
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 1:08 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not want any contact more than 1 time but I could see that perhaps on his part it might lead to temptation and thats not my intent.

On his part huh? But not yours right?

I think you want an ego boost and you want him to think of you, say you still look great, etc. You talk about him being hot. You like that the college girls find him hot. You want this hot guy, that all the young girls find hot, to want you.

The 'anonymous' part? Please, that's a joke. You were with him for 5 years. You have family he knows right? Siblings, parents, cousins - or maybe friends that you still talk to, or are on FB or something? You were with him for 5 years. If he wants to find you, he can. You being 'anonymous' is one more ego boost possibility. If he goes out of his way to find you, well that just proves how much you meant, and still mean, to him. If he doesn't find you, you have the fallback 'anonymous' to fall back on, which is why you keep stressing that point.

This entire thing is as flimsy as a fish net in a windstorm. Don't do this. There is no reason for it, at all. There are 2 marriages in the mix here. His wife does not deserve this intrusion into her life, just as you didn't need an intrusion.

My ex should also get a chance to know what happened to me


What? If he was interested he would have found you. He is married. He is content. If you're not in R then start D proceedings. If you are, and I assume you are, then you even thinking about this in ANY way other than 'never gonna happen' daydream is unimaginably wrong.

But you go ahead. When your H finds out, and you are no longer some innocent victim but instead are now guilty of the same behavior he's guilty of, when your marriage has further deteriorated to an almost unsavable position, and your kids are living in a very dysfunctional home, ask your ex if he was even that interested in what you'd been up to. After all, he's just too stupid to have found you on his own.

Let this bad idea go for everyone's sake. This is just a thinly veiled attempt to feel better,


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painful speaks truth! Don't do this.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, no, no, no, no.


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2079 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
ionlytalkedtoher
♀ Member
Member # 39802
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


[This message edited by ionlytalkedtoher at 1:38 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]


Posts: 264 | Registered: Jul 2013
Bee2011
♀ Member
Member # 33209
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I might have missed something, but how is a letter meant to update someone on 20+ years of your l


Insert glib quote here.

Reconciling.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: The Hard Road
Bee2011
♀ Member
Member # 33209
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(sorry, hit submit too soon)

How would this letter be anonymous, exactly? It's an update of your life. Who else would send something like that, except for the person it's about?

Don't do it. If he was curious, he'd look you up. He's a University professor, right? He's not an idiot. He'd be able to find you if he wanted to.

((hugs))


Insert glib quote here.

Reconciling.


Posts: 69 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: The Hard Road
Topic Posts: 24
Pages: 1 · 2

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