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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: verbal abuse part 2
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 1:10 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I recently posted a topic about my BH verbal abuse a few weeks ago. Thank you for all the feedback. But I am here again to ask for more of your wisdom SI

I actually tried to talk it out to him in private about lashing out at me "in front of the kids". I thought I was understood.

But last night again over dinner, we we're quietly eating and having some short conversation with one of our young adult son; when all of a sudden, something triggered my BH and blurted out in a high-pitch tone and loud voice "you have been doing this to your 'darling' (referring to the OM)" buying him some food stuff. It was like I was poured over with cold cold water. I froze. I looked across the table where my son was seated and there was this "sad look" in his eyes. That was so hurtful, I almost cried. We finished dinner quickly (I didn't consume my plate). And my son just walked away from the table with quiet heavy footsteps

After washing the dishes, I went up to the bedroom and cried my heart out. What pains me the most is seeing my son hurt by hearing his father's words at me. And I don't exactly know if he (my son) has sympathy for me (or hate).. I am again very devastated, I actually feel like I've hit rock bottom. I am about to give up


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:04 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"you have been doing this to your 'darling' (referring to the OM)"

Maybe I'm stupid but where's the abuse in this statement.
Was what he said not factual? Even if it wasn't it's still not verbal abuse.
I don't see any name calling here or any belittling of you as a person.
I don't see any "lashing out".


I am again very devastated, I actually feel like I've hit rock bottom. I am about to give up

Just because you feel this way when your your BS makes a statement "in a high-pitch tone and loud voice" about your cheating, doesn't make it abuse.

I looked across the table where my son was seated and there was this "sad look" in his eyes.

Is it possible the sad look was 'look what mum has turned dad into'.


From the example you've given the problem is you, not your BS.
Can you give other examples?


[This message edited by SlowUptake at 5:13 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 382 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 5:26 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it possible the sad look was 'look what mum has turned dad into'.

Mum is responsible for her choices, but so is dad. He should protect his kids. This is an adult situation and should be reserved for adult ears.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mum is responsible for her choices, but so is dad. He should protect his kids. This is an adult situation and should be reserved for adult ears

Could not agree with you more if there was actually a child in the room.

But last night again over dinner, we we're quietly eating and having some short conversation with one of our young adult son

However if you set aside who was within earshot, is this verbal abuse?

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 6:06 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 382 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's the difference what it's called? Speaking this way in front of the kids is extremely damaging, IMO. (unfortunately, from my own experience as a child).

He is punishing you, Helplessme, and in the process is punishing your son.

I don't know what to say, except I hope you and your BH are in MC. If not, maybe your DS can talk to somebody because he has a lot going on inside his head and heart right now.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37093 | Registered: Sep 2007
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi helplessme

Just finished reading all your previous posts.
I'm changing my tack here radically.

I am so, so sorry for what your going through.

Verbal abuse in this particular situation? Doesn't matter. Least of your problems

What matters is you need to get away from this abusive moron.

OMG, he takes off every weekend without a word of where he's going or when he'll return.

He points a gun at you!

Either one of those is a valid reason to get the hell out of there. Post haste.

I wish you peace & serenity.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 382 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

authenticnow,

If not, maybe your DS can talk to somebody because he has a lot going on inside his head and heart right now.

This is what's actually deeply hurting me right now. My son is in medical school and I'm afraid he and his studies are adversely getting affected by the "verbal lashes" he hears from his dad towards his mom

I don't really know how to handle this and process it with my son

I really want to get away from my BH for now. Perhaps he might "open up his heart" once I am out of his sight. But I am really scared to leave my kids with him


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe he is thinking that his dad is an asshole and he doesn't blame his mother for trying to be happy, even if the A was the shittiest decision ever.

This husband is not a BS. He is one who was likely looking for a reason to abuse his wife and now he has one he can beat til the cows come home. He is SUCH a big man isn't he?


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This husband is not a BS.
Whether he is acting like a douche or not, he is still a BS. That fact will never change.

He is one who was likely looking for a reason to abuse his wife and now he has one he can beat til the cows come home.
That's alot of projection which I'm sure is highly jaded due to your own situation. Not ALL men that are betrayed turn into bitter, nasty, abusive tools. Some men are terribly unhealthy and the affair is the thing that finally breaks them.

I suspect that helplessme's husband is one of them. One of my best friend's husband is one of them.

But I assure you, that is not the "norm". Many BHs here have proven that fact.

helplessme, if this was an isolated incident, I'd say cut the man some slack. But coupled with everything else? It's another thing to add to the pile. That's not cool.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 11:13 AM, January 3rd (Friday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6125 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Tesseract
♂ Member
Member # 39624
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holding a gun to her head isn't just verbal abuse. This situation seems primed to end explosively and tragically. If you're worried about your safety and the safety of your children I think you should be looking to other sources of support, like the police. This isn't normal behavior, this isn't acceptable behavior, affair or not. The physical safety of you and your children is paramount to all other considerations.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2013
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am worthless

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:45 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you Daisy.

But I assure you, that is not the "norm". Many BHs here have proven that fact.

I think you really need to think long & hard about what Aubrie has said here.

Because you keep coming across as a whining blameshifter.

I realise that's not the case, not everyone does.

Please stop concentrating on your BS's shortcomings and concentrate on your own.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 382 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
floridaredman
♂ Member
Member # 15122
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But give me a break. He has been totally disgusting, criminal and abusive as hell. I don't care if his his wife fucked the other guy on their kitchen table, it is no excuse OR reason to do as this jackass is doing.

This Statement is very offensive. You talk against abuse to the point that you are being abusive. It is one thing to make a statement against abuse but to say it in this manner seems uncalled for. I apologize to the mods if I am out of order.


The simplest thing can be the hardest thing to do....FRM

Posts: 2480 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Florida
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree FRM.

Daisy, your husband is abusive. We get the point. Now turn your focus on what you can control. You. Why are you choosing to stay in a relationship when it's very clear you carry such poisonous resentments towards him?

Your words are very bitter and very hateful. You've got to understand that you cannot let that consume your life. You think I don't hate the way my ex-boyfriend and my own father treated me? I could be the most resentful, hateful person on Earth. But I choose to not let their terrible actions control me and how I live my life today.

When you carry such anger and resentment that you speak like that, you are just as guilty of being abusive. Do you realize that?


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6125 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Tesseract
♂ Member
Member # 39624
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I disagree with you all rather vehemently. I don't see that Daisy has done or said anything wrong. She is angry, clearly, but considering that helplessme's spouse has held a gun to her head telling her that her response is abusive (when not even directed at him) seems utterly ridiculous.

The fact of the matter is that his behavior HAS been abusive, criminal, and disgusting. It is wrong regardless of the situation. Daisy has a right to process what she thinks and feels and share her thoughts on this forum without being castigated for it and told she's not feeling appropriately.

I admit I don't understand this bandwagoning against her. She's expressing her anger and thoughts on a forum that is expressly for that purpose and you're telling her she is being abusive... to who? This chiding and telling her that it isn't safe to feel that here has the waft and stench of victim blaming to me.

She doesn't come across to me as unreasonably bitter and hateful. She seems justifiably outraged at the criminal behavior perpetrated by helplessme's husband. She outlined her reasons in another thread, you are making assumptions based on too little information, Aubrie. Please step down from the high horse and show compassion to a fellow victim of abuse rather than lecturing her on how she should handle it, because that is how it is coming across.

None of that excuses Daisy (or helpless') choice to have an affair, but their husbands behavior is out of bounds with all conventions of what they should be expected to deal with. They're just as much victims.

[This message edited by Tesseract at 10:08 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2013
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't take offense at anything anyone said. I am angry that these men think they have some right to be abusive to their wives for an affair.

We are all here and hurting in some way. I fully support everyone's right to speak their minds here, even if they don't agree. I am a big girl. I know that I don't always gel with the views of others and I can be quite brash. I can agree to disagree and I actually appreciate the feedback.

I am sorry if I offended anyone. I am very blunt and I still don't think that an affair warrants a lifetime of abusive behavior toward the WS.

Also, I get that I need to DO something. That is why I am going to see an attorney soon, about my rights. Then I will make my final decisions.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 11:19 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tesseract,
She outlined her reasons in another thread
Which she didn't post in detail till after this thread was going. Hind sight is 20/20.

Please step down from the high horse and show compassion to a fellow victim of abuse rather than lecturing her on how she should handle it
I'm not on a "high horse". I am simply stating where a life a bitterness, anger, and resentment can take a person. I have also seen a million times where people not only are victim of abuse, but they take on the victim mentality of "I can't dooooo anything. My life is hell and I'm stuuuuuck. Someone saaaaave me." It's easy to fall into that. It's easy to let the crap of life consume us, and let it change who we are into a very disfigured, even more broken person.

I completely agree that Daisy needs to process. I don't at all condone abuse of any form to a WS, or anyone for that matter. It is very clear that Daisy and helplessme's husbands are beyond out of control. Yes they are victims. But they still have choices. And that was my whole point.

Just because I'm stating my opinion or feelings doesn't make me "preachy" or whatever. I'm giving my opinion based on my beliefs alone. There's a saying around here. Take what you need, leave the rest.

[This message edited by Aubrie at 11:37 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, what if you fly?


Posts: 6125 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 2:26 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tesseract - Please refrain from attacking another member, publicly or by using the SI.com Private Message feature. Do not bait or call out others. This includes members and non-members. Everyone has a right to their own opinion. Please post respectfully

Everyone - Let's get this thread back on track and give the OP support.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 2:49 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daisy - Please speak about your own situation, not all men or all BHs.

Please refrain from making statements that generalize gender, WS/OP/BS, race, religion or political alignment. Also do not presume to speak on behalf of other people.

Thank you


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am worthless.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:46 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 20

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