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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Continue to be Hurt
Siouxsie
♀ New Member
Member # 41921
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and I will add this: my husband did this to me while we were dating. Things had gotten rough and he checked out.

He came back, and married me, but then much worse patterns of cheating emerged. One night stands, two different affairs, constant lying about his whereabouts. Spent his money on the other women and not on me, his wife.

I wish all the time I had walked away years ago when he said he thought we were different and needed to be with someone more aligned to each of us. He physically came back to me, but he never emotionally did. I was nothing more than a back burner plan. Don't let this to be you. Don't let yourself be the backup, safety net, or plan b.

She's showing you who she is, and you need to believe her.


Me: 31
WH: 34
OW: 35
Married 3 years, together 7.
D Day 1: Nov 5. 2012
D day 2: May 4. 2013

"This is a story you won't tell the kids we'll never have. Congratulations to you both I hope someway you're happy..."


Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Presently in h(-ll
hetres
♂ New Member
Member # 41813
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The dogs have always been a major focus of our life. In fact, most of the time we fight, we use the dogs as an icebreaker. (We know we will both always respond to their needs)

This is just not the person I was with for 5 and 1/2 years. I still feel shell shocked. How could she just get home to a practically barren apartment--no couches, barely any food or dishes, mostly empty--and just go to bed.

I am surrounded by food and support, but I can't focus. I can't read, can't join conversation, can't work. All I do is try and check up on her online and read SI. When I, or another, force the computer out of my hands I just start talking about what's going on with anyone who will listen.

I still feel like I don't have any real answers. All I want is to be with her and I feel I am just moving/pushing away. I don't understand who this new person is.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Dec 2013
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is just not the person I was with for 5 and 1/2 years. I still feel shell shocked. How could she just get home to a practically barren apartment--no couches, barely any food or dishes, mostly empty--and just go to bed.

and

I still feel like I don't have any real answers. All I want is to be with her and I feel I am just moving/pushing away. I don't understand who this new person is.

The answer is--this is who she is.

Whether she has always been this way(possibly), or whether it is the *new* her, these are her choices....and you can't change them.

I know that you are hurting. I know that you would do everything in your power to save this relationship. But it is beyond your control. You are not running away...she did that already. And there is nothing worse than having a partner that you believed was your soulmate, just simply discard you...like you never really mattered.

The problem is her. She has DEEP issues, and the only one who can address them is herself....which she doesn't appear to be interested in. You have to get away from this toxic situation.

You can grieve your loss---it is okay. This was not of your making. You are the collateral damage to her behaviors. But you do need to value yourself more than you currently do.

There are a lot of loving, caring people out there, who will reciprocate the affection and loyalty that you give to them. Don't be afraid to enter the real world again.

Sorry, friend.


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2052 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hetres

she did you the biggest favor of your life.

She is a runner.

She needs to get used and abused before she can ever contemplate where her decisions have lead her.

You cannot do it for her.

Cut her out of your life. Go dark and ignore her.

She needs to grow up on her own.

She does not deserve you.

Forget the dog. It is not yours.

Now get out there, heal, grow strong and go find a real woman that has values, a strong family with loving parents and loves only you.

HM


Posts: 850 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have done a real positive thing in moving out and away from her cheating. Don't undermine the progress you have made by trying to contact her again and revealing yourself as heartbroken. Wait out the pain and turn to friends and family [and SI] for support.

She is going into the new relationship full blast and there's nothing you can do to stop her, or change her mind. Hopefully by the time she tires of this affair you will have moved on yourself to greener pastures. Keep posting.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
hetres
♂ New Member
Member # 41813
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She returned from her trip and I believe she was shocked I had gone. She told me that she was sorry she went on the trip and that it was not the right thing to do. It wasn't even good for her because she couldn't focus and her head was always somewhere else. She was hoping the trip with friends would clear her mind.

She says she is regretful and a little confused, but she still thinks this is headed for the end. She says she shouldn't have skipped out on counseling and has agreed to go with me today to counseling.

I'm trying not to contact her or initiate discussion. When we do talk I try to be short and brief. However, I always find myself slipping into the comfortable chit chat I am used to. I want to be there for her! That's what I have always done.

Every second feels like an eternity. I moved out 36 hours ago and it seems like a week. I am counting the minutes until I see my counselor today and the couple's counselor tonight.

I have been journal-ing a lot. It is helpful. It helps me sort out my thoughts on the relationship. However I know she isn't journal-ing. She likes to compartmentalize. I'm worried she isn't sorting things out, I'm worried she will be unwilling to put the time and effort into counseling.

I just want to be with her.


Posts: 29 | Registered: Dec 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just make sure are calm and non-emotional during counseling. Don't be needy and clingy; express your regret at the upcoming end of a meaningful relationship, but point out it needs two dedicated partners to make it work.

Point out that you will miss her and the dogs very much but if she is not vested 100% then there is little hope.
Your best bet is leave her alone for awhile and see if she misses you. If not, then appalling as it may sound, you will have to let her go and move on.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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