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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dr. Phil
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chico, I apologize for the t/j.

we also talked about faking it til you make it at MC and I don't agree with this but MC insists there is actual proof that it works. So after the big hug goodbye this am he could tell I was not all there and asked what was wrong. I said I was faking it, my love for him wasn't fake, but pretending that my life is great is.. his face fell. So, I should have faked it. I feel badly about that. But it's true. I'm still not there.

Rachelc, are these the actual words from your MC ("faking it til you make it"). If it is, I respectfully disagree this advice. To me, faking it implies hiding your true feelings behind a facade, and this cannot be healthy. Faking happiness to hide sadness or distress, not only robs your self of authenticity, it also takes away from your WH's ability to help you heal from his acts. Maybe a switch of perspective might help. Your life is not great, but are you able to find moments of happiness in each day? If you do have moments of happiness with your WH, it might help your WH if you told him. For me, sometimes I would have to actively look for moments of happiness. For example, if fWH and I were having coffee and having a relaxing conversation and feeling connected, I would tell him. I find that if I verbalize something, it gives me something to hold onto in my mind. As time went by, it was easier for me to recognize and be thankful for the memories. If you journal, you might want to write down happy/pleasant/enjoyable moments and memories on a daily basis. I think that when people have suffered a trauma similiar to ours that compromises our perceptions of reality, our minds immediately recognize unhappy and stressful moments as a means of protecting ourselves from further harm. By deliberately changing the focus of your mind, you may find that you are able to heal with your WH.

I just have to add one caveat. I am not suggesting that your ignore your gut or rugsweep or ignore danger signals.

BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 385 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I might as well get in on the t/j too...

What context did your MC say "fake it til you make it?"

That is usually in reference to hope or confidence. Kinda like the little engine that could...I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. Putting in the effort like you are going to make it even if you are still unsure.

I dont think it applies to faking feelings.

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he did actually say that and I believe it was in the context of being and acting loving towards your spouse. I don't think it was hiding sadness, per se, but not always having to share your uncomfortable feelings. I share about 5% of my uncomfortable feelings. They happen all day long.

In my case, hubby has said he does not feel closer to me when I bring up uncomfortable things or share triggers, although he knows he must support me during this.

That's why his face fell this am -= he thought we were doing great and he was being supportive, and he was, but the issue is still me being unhappy and trying to heal. He REALLY REALLY wants us to move forward. After two affairs it will be when I'm good and ready.

I do share important positive messages with him.
A lot!! When he called today I told him how much I missed him. When he left this morning I sent him an xoox text and also sent him an article that is floating around on facebook about grace...

his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.

Posts: 5243 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 4:09 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone read "Hold Me Tight: seven conversations for a lifetime of love"? My IC loaned it to me yesterday, so far just dipping my toe in.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've found these books really helpful:

Hold Me Tight - working on right now - so far, very good to do together once the pain is no longer so intense. We attempted it early on and it was way too soon. Recently picked it up again.

Getting Past the Affair - we tackled this with our MC early on. There were times when I just couldn't go there and would have to set it aside for a while. But it's one of the best books I've found on getting past the affair.

Janice A. Springs' book got me through the first week after discovery.

Harville Hendricks books are great - insightful man. His Getting the Love You Want is a good read to do together

as is the 5 Love Languages

Healing After The Affair, Steven Stosny - extremely helpful for the betrayed. I discovered this guy's blog on Psychology Today and couldn't get enough of him. You gotta take his book slowly because it is chocked full of exercises - but man, he is good. Really helped me gain a sense of control. He's all about developing a healing identity, living out your core values. Good stuff.

That little book for Waywards about Helping Your Spouse Heal was good for both of us - I felt it articulated my experience and my husband read through it twice. He felt it gave him greater insight.

I have mixed feelings about Anne Bercht's book. I've not read it, but I've kept up with her website and webinars. I suppose her husband's affair is the best thing that's ever happened considering the two of them are traveling the world and making some very good money doing workshops for affair recovery. Just not sure how I feel about that. They were in my area this fall, but command $1500 for their time. Yikes!

As for Dr. Phil, I actually read his Relationship Rescue book years ago when I was feeling that something was off in my marriage. Yep, now I know that was during my husband's affair. Boy, was I on my own with all that or what? I sort of remember thinking it was good info, but I couldn't get my husband interested in all that I was reading. Duh!

Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 201 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Topic Posts: 25
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