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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Found out on Christmas Day
Lola88
♀ Member
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 4:53 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So very sorry Sparkle, not much advice to give except please take care of yourself and your baby. There is no need for major decisions yet, you are in shock and will go through every emotion under the sun many times a day.

Sending you strength and hugs, know that you're not alone x


Posts: 127 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
Nailinmyforehead
♂ Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister, hang in there and sending you strength. My FWW had a 3+ year affair with a real doozie of a man, and we went through the initial trickle truth. I think it is a good sign that he told you the length of the A and you did not have to discover it on your own. At least there is a conscience there. After an ass-load of work on both our parts, I can say that my FWW and I are reconciled and better than we were. It can be done, but you both would need to want it and both commit to the R. You don't need to make any big decisions right now, but focus on your little one and take care of YOU! Going through this, I have come to believe infidelity is the most selfish act that one can perform. I thought I knew my reserved FWW as well, and wondered who I married in the early days after finding out as well. It is a rough ride, but YOU CAN DO IT. God help us all through this mess.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 135 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dear, I'm so sorry.

I know the younger people here on SI hate it when we old fogies say this, but I'm going to say it anyway...

I'm guessing that if you have only been married for 5 yrs, that you are pretty young. And by pretty young, I mean anyone younger than about 35.

Get out. Get out now. If this idiot has been cheating on you for 3 out of 5 years of a young marriage, the odds are not good that he will change.

I know it is hard to imagine now, but try to imagine yourself at age 60, looking back on years and years of cheating, and saying to yourself, "why the fuck did I not get out at 35? Why the fuck did I give all my youth to a cheating bastard? Why in God's name did I give another chance to a man that would cheat on a beautiful young family? What was I thinking????"

Sweetie, you only get this one life. Live it surrounded by people that love, respect, and honor you.

PPGA


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7102 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
jstbreathe
♀ Member
Member # 40829
Default  Posted: 3:37 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What painpaingoaway wrote is so very true. Trust me I'm living proof. There was once a time when something very suspicious came up, and because my children were just babies, I let it go and swept it under the rug. I later found out he had had a ONS with this person.

My DDay was also Christmas Day, but of 2012. It was all I could do to keep it together in front of visitors and my boys. The day the company left I completely fell apart, and as you can tell from some of my posts, I am still having a hard time dealing with this garbage. I was amazed to have come through the Holidays without actually committing murder. Yay me!

If I knew then what I know now I would have chose differently. But it's scary I know. You don't have to work it all out right away. Take your time. You will find your way, I promise. For now...just breathe.


The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
Stephen King
Me: BW
Him: WH
Married: 18 years
2 sons, 11&15
Trying to R

Posts: 152 | Registered: Sep 2013
Lalagirl
♀ Member
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry.

Sparkle, take care of you, but please tell OW's BS. He is in danger of STDs as well and he has the right to know. Do not tell your WH you are doing this (or the OW)...

We're here for you...please keep posting.

Lots of hugs,

Lala


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,22 mo.& 2 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5079 | Registered: May 2007
sparkle09
♀ Member
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hes getting tested today. Im still so confused on what to do. He has issues with depression that he has never addressed. He isnt blaming anyone but himself. He says I was a great wife and he took me for granted. His gave into his dark lust because he is weak. He wants to go to counseling and turn to god. He is so remorseful its hard to watch. He had a panic attack yesterday he told his parents and they are counseling him as well. I know it was so hard for him to face them they are very good traditional people. His mom cried and cried and begged me to give him a second chance. I know he is a good person he has always treated me so well so loving so affectionate he just obviously has some deep rooted personal issues. I keep going back and forth.


Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jan 2014
sparkle09
♀ Member
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im so glad I found this site thank you everyone for your input.


Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jan 2014
mj052
♀ Member
Member # 38495
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Sparkle- my heart goes out to you!! In February of 2013- I found a chat on my husbands' phone from Christmas day 2011. He sent the ow pictures of our children opening their presents with the message "I love you so much! In 12 hours you'll be taking "him" (her fiance) to the airport and then we can finally be together!"

Christmas day- the holiest day!! I knew then that Christmas would never be the same for me ever again!!! I know how much you are hurting!! I have over 32 years invested with this pos!! His ow's fiance- she had an affair with him and broke up his 20 yr marriage. Apparently- she didn't get what she bargained for and neither did he!! She started to look for her next married boyfriend!

And my husband knew that she was a homewrecker and just didn't care!!! Seriously- I look like a supeprmodel compared to her!! These men are weak and broken beyond belief!!!! No one can tell you what to do!! If I was as young as you and with your time invested- I'd cut my loses and bolt!!! Hugs to you my dear!!!!


Trust is a fragile thing- once its lost it's gone forever!!

Posts: 248 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: mj052
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, Sparkle. Is it possible he has a porn addiction? This sickness will cause good people to spiral down the darkest path. Check his laptop, & especially the data on his phone.

Stay strong for you & baby. Hugs.


BS (me) - 50; SAWH- 51 (hurtherbadly)
Married 27 yrs
2 DS - 21&17
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: discovered porn addiction
4 years out: M is strong; FWH is a new man :)


Posts: 721 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
inthedark14
♀ Member
Member # 41924
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry.i just found out on Christmas Eve so I feel your pain, idk how I will ever feel the sAme about Christmas ever again


WH: 39/BW:Me,32
Married 14 years in March, 2 Beautiful children 8 & 12
D-Day: Xmas Eve 2013-worst day of my life

"The most expensive thing in th world is TRUST, it takes years to earn and just a matter of seconds to lose"


Posts: 102 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: santa rosa ca
sparkle09
♀ Member
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 8:42 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update!!! Things went from bad to worse! I found the OW fiancé and told him what wa going on. She then is trying to blackmail my husband by threatening to go to HR so they will both get fired if he doesn't tell her fiancé they have not had sex since she has been engaged!!! This bitch is stupid and crazy!! My hisband recorded the phone conversation and told her if she went to HR he was going to send the recording to her fiancé!! Started therapy last week, we both did. Going to wait 6 months before I decided what to do.


Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jan 2014
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something you may want to consider is having your WH going to HR himself, with hat in hand, and confessing to what happened with a plan to address the issue and minumize potential damage.

I'm not sure what the situation is, are they co-workers or does he report to her? If so this may work and he MIGHT be able keep his job.

If she reports to him, this is not a recommended plan.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 647 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
Hopetosurvive98
♀ Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkle-so sorry to hear about this situation. My fwh had a 3 yr LTA with a coworker too. I've heard all the threats. Are they same level coworkers or is one in management or higher up etc? First of all-I so highly doubt ow is going to report him and get herself fired and/or totally embarrassed and to that if she gets fired her fiancée is going to find out anyway. I'd bet anything she is bluffing. She is making threats to save her ass! Ok so like I said I dealt with a similar situation and I emailed ow on her work email (all I had) to confront her-she told me she was going to HR if I ever contacted her again. So I promptly hit reply and told her to go ahead! I'd be happy to attach the pages of texts sent from her company phone about the sex they had on company time and for added flavor of send some of her class bathroom sex toy photography. She shut up immediately. She knew if she made a big move with her info that I would meet her there and up the ante, she was bluffing.
So in your case it's the same. Why would she out herself? She just wants to keep her fiancée in the dark-the guy doesn't deserve it-tell him, he deserves to know the true colors of the woman he is about to marry. This was the advice given to me by my lawyer regarding HR threats and info: she told me to have my H take control of the information. If you really, really think she about to go admit to participating in the affair (which I doubt) have your WH beat her to it.
Again, so sorry you are here but glad you found us!


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 422 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
Hopetosurvive98
♀ Member
Member # 33842
Default  Posted: 11:51 AM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkle-so sorry to hear about this situation. My fwh had a 3 yr LTA with a coworker too. I've heard all the threats. Are they same level coworkers or is one in management or higher up etc? First of all-I so highly doubt ow is going to report him and get herself fired and/or totally embarrassed add to that if she gets fired her fiancée is going to find out anyway. I'd bet anything she is bluffing. She is making threats to save her ass! Ok so like I said I dealt with a similar situation and I emailed ow on her work email (all I had) to confront her-she told me she was going to HR if I ever contacted her again. So I promptly hit reply and told her to go ahead! I'd be happy to attach the pages of texts sent from her company phone about the sex they had on company time and for added flavor ill send some of her classy bathroom sex toy photography. She shut up immediately. She knew if she made a big move with her info that I would meet her there and up the ante, she was bluffing.
So in your case it's the same. Why would she out herself? She just wants to keep her fiancée in the dark-the guy doesn't deserve it-tell him, he deserves to know the true colors of the woman he is about to marry. This was the advice given to me by my lawyer regarding HR threats and info: she told me to have my H take control of the information. If you really, really think she about to go admit to participating in the affair (which I doubt) have your WH beat her to it.
Again, so sorry you are here but glad you found us!


Me: BS 36
Him:WS 36
DDay 9/8/11, 3yr LTA
Her: super classy coworker, 44, involved in many A's including several other coworkers.

Posts: 422 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: The beautiful south
heartbroken303
♂ New Member
Member # 41572
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just be peparred that he will begin to blameshift why he did all this on you

That really does rub salt in the wound too.


Me (BS) 42
Her (WS) 41
DD #1 October 31, 2013 She admits to on-line emotional affair.
DD #2 November 27, 2013 She admits to sexual affair the previous weekend.
Married 17 years, together for 23 years-2DDs
OM - Married coward with children

Posts: 48 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Denver, CO
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, January 15th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkle ,
I am so sorry that you are here. Christmas Day 2011 it was for me. Sext sent to WH phone while I was talking with his sister.

Take care of yourself and your little girl. It sounds like you are making good choices with stds and talking with a lawyer.

He needs to go no contact with her; has he written a no contact letter yet? There are samples in the healing library.

Right now you don't need to make any decisions about divorce, etc. You need to focus on taking care of yourself and healing. Get the information you need from him. Now would be a great time to investigate individual counseling for yourself. I personally wouldn't pursue marital counseling with your husband right now. He needs to get into individual counseling and start figuring out why he did this. Why he had this affair. It has nothing to do with your business etc. the affair is 100% on him.

Eat, drink water, sleep. Be gentle with yourself.

Pm me if you need to vent.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
sparkle09
♀ Member
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 5:36 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He called her on speaker while I was there and cut it off. I have been once and he has been twice to therapy both on our own. I feel my resentment growing everyday. He is still in the house but on the couch. I have been going out with girlfriends to dinner while he watches our daughter.


Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jan 2014
sparkle09
♀ Member
Member # 41901
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is a field sales rep and she works in the office. They would both get fired I'm sure of it. I really don't think she would do it but she is not very bright from the conversation I had with her I think she is very capable off going to hr.


Me-33 WS-34
Pregnant & 2 year old sweet baby girl
Together 15 years Married 5 years
D-day #1 - 12/25/13 TT D-day #2 - 1/3/13 admitted to 3 year affair with co worker

Posts: 113 | Registered: Jan 2014
brohl5
♀ Member
Member # 13440
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me like he needs to be looking for another job and asap if he wants any chance of saving your M.

Stay strong sparkle. Breathe.


I'm not going to let this define me anymore. He's gone and I couldn't be happier.

You couldn't have told me in July and December of 2006, but there really is a life after this mess.

Breathe, just breathe.


Posts: 5650 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Indiana
william
Member
Member # 41986
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sparkle - i am so sorry! i cried as i read your posts. my heart goes out to you!


me - bh
her - lara01

from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 10 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA

??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LT EA, begin false R.
01/13/14 DD/2 - LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - sexting 5 guys.
01/19/14 DD/4 - 2 ONS with different guys


Posts: 549 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 42
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