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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why was it so easy to lie?
Neznayou
♀ Member
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, January 13th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it was definitely FOO issues. Conflict avoidance learned from my mother very early on. I learned that my feelings and expressions of them were [not] valid. So instead I pushed them way down inside and in doing so became so self centered and selfish. I would say or do anything to avoid conflict and maintain this "nice guy" persona. Unfortunately the lack of honesty with myself allowed the lying to my beautiful wife. Learning to be honest and validate my feelings in a loving way and to not be scared of them is a very scary process.

I could have written this myself. Even 17 months after DDay, my BH is still the victim of TT. The problem I've discovered (and I'm still uncovering) is the depth of the lies I told myself. I truly believed (as we moved into R) what I told my Husband about the Affair was true. He saw through it because what I told him just didn't add up. My purported thoughts and intentions didn't match my actions. It's been extraordinarily unpleasant and difficult for a conflict-avoider such as myself to face the fact that I deliberately chose to have an affair. I held so tightly to the "good girl" facade that I didn't believe I would actually initiate an Affair. "Good girls don't do that." Well, guess what, Neznayou? You are not a good girl, and you did do that. Time to face the music.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 233 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
nick1234
♂ Member
Member # 41946
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, January 16th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS I can say yes the lies are and betrayal are the worst! My WW had an EA nothing physical that I know of. It seemed very easy for my wife to lie but unfortunately I think she might have a problem with laying expeshally when it comes to getting out of trouble or avoiding conflicts. It like it her first reaction. I confronted her about the EA wgen it was going on and she denied it swore up and down that there was no one else , not that I expected her to admit it. She became suspicious of me at this time to thinking I was having an A. So she went through my phone when I was sleeping and found a picture of me and a female coworker. It wasnt hidden or inappropriate. But anyway she left the text with the pic open on my phone. I asked her why she went through my phone and she said she didn't. I said yes u did! Then she said it came on when she walked by and the picture was open. Which was a lie, when I old her it was a lie she finally confessed to looking
Through it. Even when my oldest sons was out with one of his friend and his friend wasnt were he was supposed to be my wife was talking to his mother and mention where they were she got the kid in trouble. She told me that our son would be mad and she was going to tell him that it wasnt her. Wtf that is so wrong I told her that was wrong and why would she lie about that.
Anyway the point of this long post is maybe for some people lying is a defense mechanism to avoid conflict. Or a way to not have to deal with your actions. I dont I can't relate I an to honest almost to a fault it get me in trouble sometime. I dont know if this helps any of u or pertains to any of u.
I know this is someone else's post but any input is appreciated.



Posts: 70 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NY
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I have lied, it has been to avoid consequences. Why avoid consequences? Because the consequences I wanted to avoid were painful (being yelled at, losing approval, in some cases physical harm, etc). I lied to avoid/escape pain. My goal needed to be to avoid doing things in the first place that came with those consequences, or else to do them, be honest, and accept the consequences. Which things to do and not to do needed to depend on what was healthy and what wasn't.

When I stacked certain consequences against the guilt from lying, sometimes that guilt seemed easier. For me, it didn't stay that way - the guilt was always worse. The antidote to finding lying easy is to break down the compartments. Let all those emotions flood in, in fact encourage them to. Make yourself sick with the thought of lying.

Don't do anything you can't be honest about. As broevil's tagline says, your secrets keep you sick.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.

Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.


Posts: 3902 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The antidote to finding lying easy is to break down the compartments. Let all those emotions flood in, in fact encourage them to. Make yourself sick with the thought of lying.

Don't do anything you can't be honest about. As broevil's tagline says, your secrets keep you sick.

Thanks Silver. I think what you said about learning to make yourself sick with the thought of lying is a good thought. I need to completely change my mindset to make the thought of lying repulsive. It's mind boggling how I could justify my actions, knowing they were hurtful and wrong, when I would condemn others for doing the same thing. Also, other areas of my life where I would have that line in the sand saying I will not do this or that because it is wrong, where was that line when it came to lying.

Rationalization, justification, entitlement, lust and pride played a huge role in my actions. I think the lying came so easily because when you boil it all down I liked what I was doing and I would have told myself anything to allow it to continue. This has been sort of a breakthrough for me as it was very hard to admit that I liked looking at the porn or otherwise I wouldn't have been doing it in the first place.

Now I just have to realize going forward that I can no longer deceive myself. I can no longer put myself in those situations where the consequences of my actions will cause hurt and pain to begin with. Now we all know that sometimes we do things before we think and we all make mistakes. I have to immediately be honest and learn to face the pain and consequences during those times.


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has bugged the hell out of me that my WH found it so very easy to lie to me for such a very long time. I have come to the conclusion that it was so easy for him to lie because at the time of the A he was consumed by this huge bubble of selfishness and obsession... he was so caught up in it that his morals, his standards, his boundaries.. all of it.. were completely meaningless. He wasn't thinking about me, he wasn't thinking about his personal code of conduct, he wasn't thinking about his children, ALL he was thinking about was himself and his desires and the object of his obsession. So lying was easy, cheating was easy, it was all a means to an end and that "end" was all that mattered, nothing else mattered.

I think that's why it was so easy, because he never gave it logical thought. He was operating in an altered state of being.

After the A ended, I think he lied purely to protect himself. That was a different sort of lying.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 946 | Registered: Oct 2012
1bigidiot79
♂ Member
Member # 40557
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that's why it was so easy, because he never gave it logical thought. He was operating in an altered state of being.
This was so true in my situation. If you don't know my betrayal was not an affair but looking at porn. When I would find myself on the slope needing to make a decision of whether to view or not I was never thinking logically. It's not like I woke up in the morning and thought "today I'm going to look at porn at some point". Rather, it was seeing something (image that wasn't porn but maybe provocative)that would begin the thought process that would lead me to begin to lie to myself to justify looking at something else provocative. That would inevitably lead to me eventually viewing porn. It was like when the cycle or process started there was no turning back. Everything I told myself was birthed out of lust, entitlement and pride.

The lust was physical lust and hormones doing their job when I would allow myself to begin going down the slope.

The entitlement was part justification and rationalization that I deserved to look for whatever reason (red blooded male, got turned down the night before etc.)

The pride was not wanting to tarnish the precious persona I had led so many to believe was the real me.

Realizing all these things now makes me sick. Why couldn't I see all this before? Why didn't I stop to realize the hurt and pain it would cause? Why didn't I snap out of it and think about my wife, my child and my God?


DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States
dogg
♂ New Member
Member # 41995
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, January 17th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't lie to my wife while I was having my A. She had no idea. It was easy for me because I travel with my job and my AP was in a city that I worked in often. When I was having my A I was lieing to myself.I had myself convinced that what I was doing was okay, because she paid no attention to me in and out of the bedroom. She found out about my A several months later after it was over with. That's when I lied about a few things. Now that I live in a fishbowl there is no more lieing.


If I could turn back time.

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jan 2014
wario
♂ Member
Member # 20338
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lied to my wife for years to protect myself, my idea of the relationship, basically my world. I did it because that was what I knew and I ignored the thought of the consequences and the harm it did to my BS and my soul. As my wife questioned me throughout our relationship the burden of lying just got snowballed, with time I could not bear this burden and eventually told her the truth slowly TT-style. Now we have to deal with the truth, the betrayal and how to live knowing you can't go back.

Lying is not easier than telling the truth. Its easier to tell the truth because you don't have to fabricate or hide anything. Its a protection mechanism that doesn't work when you are in a relationship with someone. Ironically, I don't lie now, because its easier, because I don't want to harm those around me. I realize now that the safest thing for me is to have people around me that I trust and who trust me.

Anyhow that is my two cents,

Wario


Me: FWH 40
BS: 42
Married: 12 years
Together:19 years

Multiple EAs from the beginning, 1 EA after marriage


Posts: 186 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@dogg.
I didn't lie to my wife while I was having my A. She had no idea.

So you don't accept the concept of 'lies of omission'? Interesting.

Now that I live in a fishbowl there is no more lieing.

And if that's the only reason your not lieing anymore, you my friend have some serious work to do on yourself or you're just going to cheat again.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 5:28 AM, January 18th (Saturday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
JustDesserts
♂ Member
Member # 39665
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, January 18th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@ItsaClimb: Bingo!


2 year EA/PA. DDay 3/12. Broke NC 6/13 w/one stupid 5 line e-mail (which brought me to SI). Me: WH, 50. Her: BW, 49. Married 19 years. Two kids. Dog. Reconciling...together.

Posts: 403 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Suburbia, New England, USA
Topic Posts: 30
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