Last night. Just horrible.
It started over trivial stuff but quickly got to just how bad thing are and what caused her to cheat I.e. how bad I am or my actions are and how miserable she is.
I pointed out that she made a choice and that it was extremely devastating to me. I told her I know she cheated, that she needs to deal with this and that I would want to discuss and work through this in counselling. She was very angry and upset, there was shouting and a lot of blame shifting. I tried not to rise to it all but it was so very difficult. I said I accepted that things are not brilliant, I accept that she does not feel happy and that I understand that I need to take responsibility for this. I said she need to be responsible for her actions. I got a childish response of mimicking what I said in a "funny" voice so I said that she was being childish - of course that just made things worse.
In the end I managed to go upstairs to bed. A few snide remarks still being shouted and when she calmed down I was sent a few texts:
"what do you want me to do?"
I replied that I don't believe everything has been shot between us just v bad now. We agree to separate and give each other space and if we agree we go to counselling. I do love you but I am badly hurt. These are things we need to work on in counselling.
She replied " I didn't want to lose you. I love you. I want you to show me love...I feel like you love me in your head but nowhere else. I will do whatever you want. You and I are not meant to end up like this"
I replied that " I am v tired. We both need to get sleep. I don't know what else to suggest other than we give each other space and try counselling"
Her response was " I miss you in bed"
I don't think I slept much at all last night. I was shaken and this texting played on my mind all night. I am feeling so lost, so angry, so fed up. Why do I have to be the one running around, having to listen to this crap. I've stayed really so very calm about her cheating, plenty folk would have packed her bags or their own and gone well before this.
Am I so wrong? Amd I wrong to call her out on cheating when she clearly sees it as a symptom of other issues in our relationship? Other issues that I agree are there and not resolved and that I need to accept some responsibility for? Am I being too selfish to say I need to resolve the cheating before talking through the other issues in counselling? Why does she act the way she does in arguing? Yes she was angry but to be so childish, to swear, tell me to F off and say so many more hurtful things? Yes I know it's anger, it's "seeing red" but it makes me feel so sad to see someone that, I know I did love (and maybe still do), behave in such a way...
She says I love you, I don't say it back which then upsets her. I don't think is is particularly "loveable" right now, I don't feel comfortable saying it but then she cries or says, "oh so you don't love me then" or words to that effect...that feels like manipulation....it feels like saying "I love you" validates her but I'm not sure of the meaning right now.
Please tell me I am doing the right thing?! If I'm not, please tell me how to sort all this out? If I could wish anything, it would be that we didn't have a house or kids together, I would have gone NC and left, I feel bad that I want this as my wish rather than having everything working well in a great relationship, I struggle to picture that with her right now. I'm feel so down and fed up. So tired. I wanted a great family, to have great times, someone who loves me for who I am "worts and all". I'm really questioning who I am and what I am, maybe I don't like what I see in the mirror.
I'm feeling very low at the moment. Please forgive my ramblings and ranting. I have so little opportunity to vent and feel safe.