Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Cche (45068)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Horrible argument
Lex71
♂ Member
Member # 41172
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night. Just horrible.

It started over trivial stuff but quickly got to just how bad thing are and what caused her to cheat I.e. how bad I am or my actions are and how miserable she is.

I pointed out that she made a choice and that it was extremely devastating to me. I told her I know she cheated, that she needs to deal with this and that I would want to discuss and work through this in counselling. She was very angry and upset, there was shouting and a lot of blame shifting. I tried not to rise to it all but it was so very difficult. I said I accepted that things are not brilliant, I accept that she does not feel happy and that I understand that I need to take responsibility for this. I said she need to be responsible for her actions. I got a childish response of mimicking what I said in a "funny" voice so I said that she was being childish - of course that just made things worse.

In the end I managed to go upstairs to bed. A few snide remarks still being shouted and when she calmed down I was sent a few texts:
"what do you want me to do?"

I replied that I don't believe everything has been shot between us just v bad now. We agree to separate and give each other space and if we agree we go to counselling. I do love you but I am badly hurt. These are things we need to work on in counselling.

She replied " I didn't want to lose you. I love you. I want you to show me love...I feel like you love me in your head but nowhere else. I will do whatever you want. You and I are not meant to end up like this"

I replied that " I am v tired. We both need to get sleep. I don't know what else to suggest other than we give each other space and try counselling"

Her response was " I miss you in bed"

I don't think I slept much at all last night. I was shaken and this texting played on my mind all night. I am feeling so lost, so angry, so fed up. Why do I have to be the one running around, having to listen to this crap. I've stayed really so very calm about her cheating, plenty folk would have packed her bags or their own and gone well before this.

Am I so wrong? Amd I wrong to call her out on cheating when she clearly sees it as a symptom of other issues in our relationship? Other issues that I agree are there and not resolved and that I need to accept some responsibility for? Am I being too selfish to say I need to resolve the cheating before talking through the other issues in counselling? Why does she act the way she does in arguing? Yes she was angry but to be so childish, to swear, tell me to F off and say so many more hurtful things? Yes I know it's anger, it's "seeing red" but it makes me feel so sad to see someone that, I know I did love (and maybe still do), behave in such a way...

She says I love you, I don't say it back which then upsets her. I don't think is is particularly "loveable" right now, I don't feel comfortable saying it but then she cries or says, "oh so you don't love me then" or words to that effect...that feels like manipulation....it feels like saying "I love you" validates her but I'm not sure of the meaning right now.

Please tell me I am doing the right thing?! If I'm not, please tell me how to sort all this out? If I could wish anything, it would be that we didn't have a house or kids together, I would have gone NC and left, I feel bad that I want this as my wish rather than having everything working well in a great relationship, I struggle to picture that with her right now. I'm feel so down and fed up. So tired. I wanted a great family, to have great times, someone who loves me for who I am "worts and all". I'm really questioning who I am and what I am, maybe I don't like what I see in the mirror.

I'm feeling very low at the moment. Please forgive my ramblings and ranting. I have so little opportunity to vent and feel safe.


Me: 42 Her: xWGf 39
Not married only engaged.
Two great kids, both under 6
DDay #1: 18 Nov 2013
DDay #2: July 2011

Posts: 88 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: UK
JerseyCowgirl
♀ Member
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are soooo..not wrong for telling her what her A did to you or what you need her to do to correct it. I know those arguments so well that have you just reeling afterwards and some awful things said unfortunately stay with us a very long time. When you tell a WS what effect their A had on you--no WS should ever give any excuse at that point in the conversatation. They need to deeply acknowledge the pain they caused or they are not showing any remorse. If your boundary is to work on the A first she needs to respect that and agree to it to help you heal and help undo some of the damage. Perhaps you need to NC for awhile every time she refuses your request and explain how this is non-negotiable for you and stop the conversation before it gets to one of these awful arguments that hurt you so deeply. I do so feel for you and will keep you in my thoughts.


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 332 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I said I accepted that things are not brilliant, I accept that she does not feel happy and that I understand that I need to take responsibility for this."

Dont you dare take responsibility for her happiness. You cant make anyone happy, they have to be happy with who they are and that is not your job. Her happiness is as much her responsibility as her affair is. If the marriage needs work, work on it, but after you have had time to heal and you are ready. Her affair was her selfish timeline, now you get to heal on your timeline, not hers.

"I said she need to be responsible for her actions."

Good, and they hate hearing that at first. Some respond well others do not. Best thing to do, given her reaction and up and down emotions, is the 180.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Nest2007
♀ Member
Member # 39532
Default  Posted: 2:51 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel that some 180-ing might be wise for you right now. Currently she's not taking any responsibility for her A nor for her 50% of the M, so she's certainly nowhere near being ready to R and put the effort in that is required of her as the WS.

Hugs to you.


BS 35
WS 31
DD, only child
DDay: 06/09/13
End of TT/Full Disclosure 07/08/13

Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.

Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.


Posts: 230 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Here and there...
Lex71
♂ Member
Member # 41172
Default  Posted: 3:47 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gotmylife, nest, jcg thanks. Thank you for replying and your thoughts and advice. I was feeling very down and full of despair. You gave me back some worth and pointed out a few things that I didn't even know I was doing such as making myself responsible for her happiness.

Things have calmed down again now, still the odd snide remark but nit much dialogue unless it involves the children or it's about moving and money. She stayed in bed till well after lunch so that made things easier.

I think I'm calmer now too so feeling a bit brighter and ready to get some sleep. Thanks!


Me: 42 Her: xWGf 39
Not married only engaged.
Two great kids, both under 6
DDay #1: 18 Nov 2013
DDay #2: July 2011

Posts: 88 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: UK
headdesk
♀ Member
Member # 40787
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a hopefully helpful example for you.

I stress eat. Particularly chocolate. I use it to self soothe. That isn't a healthy coping mechanism if taken to extremes.

So in this scenario, say husband and I have a huge fight. There are mutual reasons. Say even if he was the reason for the fight and he was being a real ass.

If I then eat a box of chocolates each time we fight and get fat, can I blame my husband for it because he stressed me out? No. *I* ate those chocolates. Not him. That is my responsibility. I had other choices. I could have formed better coping skills, left my husband or a bunch of other things. I chose to ate the box of chocolates and can only blame myself for being fat.


Make sense?


Me: 39
WH: 42
DDay:Sep 19 2013 (only TT of EA)
Oct 4th 2013 revealed PA through snooping.
Marred 16 years, together for 20. Looking to R at this time. We have awesome kids (12/14).

Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2013
Justgreatnews
♂ Member
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During arguments when she says "I love you" if I am still pissed I defer to an "I know, I'm glad" or "I believe you".

Both are honest. The "I believe you" I guess could be construed as a little jab at the same time. As in: "even though you fucked someone else, I still believe you love me" type thing.

During one heated moment I answered an "I love you" with: "That would have felt better (when affair occurred)..."


Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:06 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I accept that she does not feel happy and that I understand that I need to take responsibility for this.
Lex - I stopped cold on this statement. You are NOT responsible for her happiness. She is. As long as she's looking externally for it? She's going to come up short. And as long as you accept responsibility for it? You will be miserable.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 25516 | Registered: Aug 2011
Lex71
♂ Member
Member # 41172
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Head desk yea that does make sense

Nowiknow, I believe you. I honestly didn't realise I had written that, at the time I was so upset, but I think the true feelings and thoughts come out at these times.....

I know I can't be responsible for her, how she feels and acts is her not me. Im slowly learning to be stronger ad to correct my thinking.

Thanks


Me: 42 Her: xWGf 39
Not married only engaged.
Two great kids, both under 6
DDay #1: 18 Nov 2013
DDay #2: July 2011

Posts: 88 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: UK
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things are bad at your house right now because your WgF is an unremorseful little twit.

I noticed something when I read the short text exchange that occurred after the argument, and I'm wondering if *this* is how the majority of your discussions go? Do you see that she never addresses what you are actually talking about?

She is really, really manipulative, Lex. Tread carefully.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8034 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
SpotlessMind
♀ Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 7:59 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are struggling with this right now, Lex.

Your WW needs to know that while you both own 50% of the marriage problems leading up to the affair (tho it sounds like she wants to put them all on you), SHE owns 100% of responsibility for the affair. People who choose affairs over honest communication often have crappy communication skills, crappy coping skills, entitlement issues, or all of the above. And that is on them..

And ditto on the happiness thing--not your job, and if she looks to you for happiness, she is doomed from the start.

The manipulation is BS, and I'd call her on it.

[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 8:00 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
Topic Posts: 11

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.