Topic: My parents are ashamed of me
Member # 41195
| Posted: 9:02 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014|
I'm glad you posted this, because I went through the same thing with my father. We have a difficult relationship as it is, but this last event probably has but the kibosh on any further interaction. (Not a big loss, it was already dicey to begin with.)
I don't want to put a lot of detail out here about this. But one thing I've learned is that people are mostly ignorant as to how awful betrayal really is until it's happened to them, me included.
Sometimes with my own family, I get the impression they would really rather I didn't talk about what happened. They don't understand that it's in the forefront of whatever comes out of my mouth right now. I can't lie about it, I can't "get over it" overnight. It has changed me to my core, similar to when you have children and you can barely remember how you used to be before you had them. I can't make them understand what I'm going through, because they haven't been through it themselves.
I'm sorry they did this to you, and believe me when I say I can understand how you must have felt cut off at the knees when they did that.
caelitus mihi vires
"My strength is from heaven"
Posts: 211 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 41181
| Posted: 9:28 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014|
Not for nothing, but are you SURE their marriage is as idyllic as it seems? One thing that crossed my mind is that maybe your Dad or Mom cheated and they don't want to deal with a discussion about cheating and divorce because they chose to stay married rather than splitting.
Just a thought.
Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.
Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
Member # 36445
| Posted: 9:47 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014|
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. The people that should have your back the most have let you down. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
I guess on the other side of it, you now know what you are dealing with. I really hope one day when you are healed enough that you can discuss with them how much they have hurt you.
Please take care and be gentle with yourself.
"You can never have too much happy!"
Posts: 1151 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 39885
| Posted: 12:54 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014|
Sorry for you gypsy. Just always know you're not alone.
D Day: 6/13/13
Moving on. Every Single Day.
Posts: 493 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 35229
| Posted: 2:41 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014|
Your parents should be ashamed of themselves. None of this is about you - this is all about them and the way they choose to live their lives.
I sit here imagining doing that to one of my precious little girls when they are grown and I realise how fucked up I would need to be to even consider it.
I'm so sorry they aren't being the parents you deserve right now.
Sending all of the love and strength I can muster to Phoenix1 and her family.
"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."
Posts: 4565 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Member # 41869
| Posted: 6:18 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014|
I was horrified to read your parents lack of support to you. None of this is your fault.
There are some people of an older generation that seem to be very uncomfortable with speaking the truth out loud. I have these family members too. It's heart wrenching when it's your parents. And frustrating because they aren't really hearing you.
I also agree with the member who questioned the true happiness of your parents marriage. They seem really good at keeping up the "image" and they want you to do the same.
Do the best you can do until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. - Maya Angelou
Posts: 63 | Registered: Jan 2014
Member # 30221
| Posted: 7:48 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014|
Some of what they (your parents and their church community) are feeling is from having no idea how to relate to what has happened to you. They are older, long-term marrieds from a time 'til death do us part' meant something. So give them that.
When D-day and everything after it happened in my life, my Dad (he and I have had a great relationship) told me that he 'just didn't have the tools to understand my predicament'. It took me a while to get what he meant. But ICH do get it.
But you draw the line at lying with either words or actions for anyone, including your parents. Pretending is not good for anyone. Lying does nothing whatever for anyone.
Remind them of the 10 Commandments and ask how they reconcile their instructions for you to lie to the very people that should be most beholden to those basic laws.
"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence
Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
Posts: 1107 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Member # 36857
| Posted: 8:02 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014|
Maybe it's time to reverse the roles. Become the parent.
"I am disappointed that you chose to act this way. You and I know that lying is wrong. I want you to think some about what you've done and then let's talk about it. I love you and nothing could ever change that."
Me: BH 56.........Her: WW 43
DD: 6..........DS: 4
Married for six years.
DDay: 12-25-11 Divorced: 7-15-12
"It's like a nightmare within a nightmare, which in and of itself is a nightmare!"
Posts: 803 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: U.S.A.
Member # 30143
| Posted: 8:54 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014|
I'm so sorry that they've treated you this way.
Secret keeping is shame based but it's not you who has done something shameful. Clearly your parents feel shame, likely for something you know nothing about. They may not know where it comes from. It could come from their FOOs.
I feel terrible for you, but I feel sorry for them as well. It must be hard to have to keep secrets from friends. They aren't true friends then. I suspect all with your parents is not as peachy-keeno as it seems.
Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (18), 1 stepdaughter (26)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R
Posts: 1380 | Registered: Nov 2010
Member # 32811
| Posted: 9:30 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014|
I can so relate to you. My mother told me that even though my husband cheated on me with multiple women, even though he had one of his soulmates pregant, even though he was selfish and and and, it was MY faul for him ultimately leaving.
So, just know that just b/c they are our parents doesn't make them right.
Hugs to you, my dear.
[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 9:33 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]
Posts: 2474 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: With my dad...
Member # 35901
| Posted: 11:15 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014|
It'll get better.
My mom blamd me for the failures in my marriage, even when I was on my knees crying for some sort of sympathy. She was a BS too, thought she might get it. I got some support, don't get me wrong, but it is hard to forget the lectures in the first week when all I could do was cry.
I truly wish the best for you.
[This message edited by wonderpets at 11:16 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]
Posts: 156 | Registered: Jun 2012
Member # 5929
| Posted: 11:43 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014|
I can completely relate to this. I come from a very religious family where nobody gets divorced. I know they all look down on me. At first it made me really sad and self conscious. But after years of being a people pleaser and never living up to anyone's standards I ended up finding the role of Black Sheep to be liberating and I embraced it. It gave me freedom to finally be me and stop trying to be what everyone else thought I should be.
Keep calm and carry on.
Posts: 49406 | Registered: Nov 2004 | From: Minneapolis
Member # 31528
| Posted: 11:52 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014|
You have nothing to be ashamed of. As I was reading this, I was hoping that they were being protective of you and your feelings. That they would have said that they didn't want to tell people, so you wouldn't be pegged with questions that could upset you. I'm so sorry. Please know that your SI family is always here for you and proud of you.
Posts: 30722 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 29912
| Posted: 5:57 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014|
What your parents did was cruel.... however, not to defend them, but they may have been doing you a bit of a favor here in a twisted way. At the holidays do you really want to be the fodder for everyone's gossip? This way by the time anyone actually finds out you are divorced it may be old news and die down quickly. I know how much it bothers me personally sometimes that people may talk about me behind my back.
Some may already suspect there is trouble when you simply showed up alone.... my brother came to xmas alone this year with a lame excuse and so while none of us will say anything we are all wondering what is up with him.... we hope we are over reacting... but still wonder now.
As a parent I hope that I will always be able to stand in the face of others and support my children 100%. I am sorry they did not do this for you when you needed it.
Posts: 1145 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Member # 39193
| Posted: 8:31 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014|
I just want to say thank you to all of you for your supportive posts. It helps so much to be heard and validated. The really sad thing is that I didn't feel any shame about my situation prior to this drama with my parents. Since my XWH felt no remorse and R was never on the table, I've been totally upfront with pretty much anyone and everyone who asked what happened. He's a cheating asshole, and I don't mind telling people that. I never felt personal shame over his bad choices, until now.
Thank you all for reminding me that what he did is not a reflection on me. And that the way my parents choose to deal with it (or not deal with it) is also not a reflection on me. It's a reflection on them.
I know they love me, but they love each other far more. Maintaining their happiness and harmony has always far outweighed anything that was going on with me. That's a whole other post... but let's just say it's been that way my entire life.
So glad I see my IC on Tuesday. Though one hour may not be enough this time.
Again big thank you ((HUGS)) to everyone who responded. You guys are the best.
Me: BS, 45 Him: XWH, 45
Together 8 yrs, married for 5
DDay 04.10.13 Divorced 05.14.13
Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling
Posts: 567 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Member # 39154
| Posted: 10:34 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014|
My parents are similar to your parents, Gypsybird. When I told my mom that my husband and I were separated, my parents told me not to tell the rest of my family. My family consists of my brother, a couple aunts, and mostly cousins. My cousins are of this generation that it would not phase them and would not judge me.
I feel worse sharing anything with my parents - always have. There has always been a dearth of emotional support from them that I don't share anything with them. I have to hide anything that might show adverse judgement from others. I want to be conscious about not handing down this sentence to my child. I don't want her to be ashamed and to hide while living for fear of judgment.
They're just from another generation but it's a shame that there can be no emotional connection regardless of the generational gap.
Posts: 183 | Registered: May 2013 | From: East Coast, USA
Member # 31468
| Posted: 11:00 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014|
There has always been a dearth of emotional support from them that I don't share anything with them. I have to hide anything that might show adverse judgement from others. I want to be conscious about not handing down this sentence to my child. I don't want her to be ashamed and to hide while living for fear of judgment.
I identify completely with this FieldofLavender - I'm very careful about what I share with my family, but I try very hard to encourage my kids not to follow that dynamic. I hope it's working.
Together 9 yrs
Status: Divorced 4/27/11
Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron
It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling
Posts: 4160 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Member # 24251
| Posted: 1:28 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014|
I have a hug to offer. It's hard. It is a different generation. If it isn't in someone's life experience it is impossible to understand.
Me - BW
DD - May Day 2009
Status - Limbo waiting for him to engage
May 2012 - Feeling Done in my heart. Death by limbo, lack of demonstrated remorse, emotional unavailability, lack of companionship, lack of demonstrated affection. Sexless marri
Posts: 168 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Sydney
Member # 38716
| Posted: 5:54 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014|
This is heartbreaking to read, and I'm so sorry. PLEASE don't feel like the black sheep.
This divorce is not your fault, and I'm sure they know that. Stay strong.
BW, 31, two young kids
One day at a time....
Posts: 55 | Registered: Mar 2013
Member # 39170
| Posted: 7:50 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014|
That's just not right. Though, as someone else said: they're of a different generation, and world-views can't change overnight. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this.
Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.
DS (6), DS (18 months)
Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".
Status: Done like dinner
Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
|Topic Posts: 40|