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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I need suggestions for my absolute dealbreakers
IamDyingInside
♀ Member
Member # 41054
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am currently working on a list of things that I expect from my WH during reconciliation or until.....like open access to email, phone passwords, ipad code, letting me know his whereabouts and that sort of thing. I am so worried I will forget something extremely important. Can you all share some of your dealbreakers or items on your list with me? I really appreciate it!


Me: BW (41)
Him: WH (41)
2 Daughters - 20 and 16
Married 19 years, together 24 years
DDay - 09/08/2013
NC - 10/10/13 Broken 10/11/13
I feel like we are both trying R but I am just so skeptical of everything!! Hell, I don't know much right

Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Lost in USA
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IC and GPS


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1893 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's good to write them out if that helps you but IMO, ultimately, they're in flux. I don't mean that you need to give in but more that your needs may change. It's a process and what you need may not stay constant. I think it's fine to talk to him about what you need him to do right now to help you feel safe, but if there are three new things tomorrow, that's fine too. Does that make sense?

For us it's about the communicating needs more than writing down absolutes.

I've also needed to be understanding (and it's not always easy) of his process. For example, when he said he would not behave inappropriatly ever again that held different meanings for each of us. So when he was chatting with a woman about her relationship I felt devastated whereas he didn't see it as a problem (he totally gets it now, boundaries are much firmer).

I'm blabbing, sorry. But what I'm trying to say is that you don't need to worry about "forgetting something extremely important", you can adjust these as it feels right to you.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 923 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My list consists of complete transparency, IC when we can again afford it, absolutely no female friends, no deleting texts or e-mails, no deleting browser history, I know where he is at all times, I match the hours recorded to when he is at work, no more accusing me of infidelity unless he has an actual valid reason, and no more lies.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Topic Posts: 4

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