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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wasting time
Coachdig10
♂ Member
Member # 41706
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tired of spending my time thinking my WW is still sneaking around on me. Tired of looking for some sign of this. Tired of thinking about what she did and is not telling me. Tired of being paranoid about what she is doing. Tired of wasting my time with all of this. It consumes so much time. I know that I choose to feel this way and to do all of this. But I am tired of it. I have so many better things to do with my time than this. It would help if my WW would come clean, but that will never happen, so I can either go my own way, or snap out of this. I don't believe anything she says, I don't trust anything she does. She messed up and now I am like this. Such BS. I was fooled 1000 times and vow never to be fooled again. But hate being paranoid and wasting my time. Anyone else feel this way? And has anyone be able to stop wasting their time with these thoughts and actions? My WW could help but refuses. I know it's my fault for allowing that.


BS- 42
WS- 36
Married 16
Kids- 3
DDay 1/17/13

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: California
cl131716
♀ Member
Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, I definitely feel this way. My WH is the same way. After he swore on our kid's lives that I knew everything he TT'd. So now I am at square one again. It's exhausting but I am getting to the point where I don't even care anymore. He's not offering any more info and I am sick of trying to drag it out of him.


Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
aero1122
♀ Member
Member # 41575
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way. I spend all day looking at my WH emails and wondering where he is at work and who he is talking to. I am paranoid all day every day and it makes me sick. I hate feeling like this is my life now. But I don't trust anything he says.


Me-35
WH-36
Together 18 years
Married 7 years
2 kids
D-day 12-7-13
Both currently in counseling
Trying to R

I am a warrior!
I will survive and thrive!


Posts: 102 | Registered: Dec 2013
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW could help but refuses. I know it's my fault for allowing that.
By "allowing that" I take it you have established any consequences for her lack of disclosure? Being open and authentic is generally considered to be a requirement of true R as opposed to rugsweeping.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4000 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
slide095
♀ Member
Member # 38716
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've been heard. :( I miss the carefree days of not wondering where he is and what he's doing and what's true....
it's exhausting.
Stay strong.


BW, 31, two young kids

One day at a time....


Posts: 58 | Registered: Mar 2013
Coachdig10
♂ Member
Member # 41706
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She says she has told me everything. I believe there is much more. As I told her, you wouldn't risk everything for just texting and calling. Can't leave, can't kick her out. Have three kids that need both of us here. So I am just eating it. Have suggested MC and she is open to that.


BS- 42
WS- 36
Married 16
Kids- 3
DDay 1/17/13

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: California
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask her to take a polygraph. If she refuses, you have your answer.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7102 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just go to her all excited like, and smiling, and say, "OMG sweetie, I've just figured out a way to end my torment! Yay! You can take a poly! Isn't that an awesome idea, and a quick way for me to get some closure? Ah, I'm so relived I finally thought of that, aren't you?"


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7102 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 1:34 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coach -
I feel the EXACT same way.

Also, I felt there was more, and almost three months after I discovered the texting and phone calls (she swore that was it, they were just friends, and it would stop) I stumbled up GPS records that her phone had been recording to her Google account. Long story short: she never stopped talking to him and had been going to one of properties 1-2 a week, and continued to, since before I knew about the texting and phone calls. She still expects me to believe they were just friends.

Two weeks after I confronted her with the GPS records, I called the Inn she was at and they confirmed that the other man was registered there that day (I only gave them his last name, and they provided me with his first name). At that point, I told her to get out. I've felt better since except when I talk to her, which is not often and always initiated by her.

I asked her if she would take a polygraph, and she said "no" immediately. That's all I needed to hear.

Your situation is different than mine because of your kids. But, IMO coming from a home where my parents should have D, you are not serving them well if you and your WW are not getting along. Just something to think about.

One last bit of advice: If you gut tells you there is more, then listen to it. I didn't listen to mine on more than one occasion over the past few months, and I regret it. My gut has yet to let me down.

Hang in there man! You're not alone.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
lqqk4answ
♂ New Member
Member # 41662
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, feel the same, and tired of it too, but IMHO I don't think we "chose" to be this way, rather we can only "chose" NOT to be that way. What I'm trying to say is where there is a threat, danger, or pain, we will respond naturally, so how is that a choice? Seems to me our choice is in how we chose protect or handle the threat, danger, and or pain. It like this, you put your hand on a hot burner you are sure to pull it away, can't stop that, will happen every time. However, we can chose to take steps to alleviate the threat, danger, or pain. Maybe we'll change to induction, maybe we make sure the burner is safely off, maybe we avoid burners altogether ... that is where our choice comes in. Just my opinion as I'm not there yet.


D-Day: 5 Dec 2012
NC date: waiting
Me, BS, 57 years
WW, 53 years
Married 30 years at time.

Posts: 31 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NM
happyman64
♂ Member
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Coach

You cannot control her only yourself.

If you are sick of feeling this way then do something about it.

Setup a good MC and take her. Then right after that go for a polygraph.

Do not tell her until you are in the parking lot.

You will get the truth then I assure you.

HM


Posts: 902 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was fooled 1000 times and vow never to be fooled again. But hate being paranoid and wasting my time. Anyone else feel this way? And has anyone be able to stop wasting their time with these thoughts and actions? My WW could help but refuses. I know it's my fault for allowing that.

There will come a time, if you respect yourself enough, that you will not tolerate her behavior. It is when you say "ENOUGH!!", and you won't live like this any longer, that you will feel a burden lift from your shoulders.

I understand the *trapped* feeling. I had an unremorseful spouse, two kids(one special needs), and not enough income to live two separate lives. But I eventually hit my breaking point, and came to the point that I would rather blow everything sky-high...and deal with the fallout...than to continue like I was. I deserved better.

YOU DESERVE BETTER.

So---don't accept what she is giving you. If she isn't willing to restore your trust in her, then what are you fighting for? The children? The material world? Like stated before, you kids would do better with a happy, healthy, single father than a household of distrust and animosity. Show your kids the morals that you want them to possess as they grow. I know---easier said than done---but it is the truth.

Almost all of us have done the hypervigilance at one point or another. It is all consuming....and all draining. You become a prisoner to it. But you can free yourself, and like I said earlier, it starts with you caring enough about yourself to not accept what is not right in your household.

Transparency.
Honesty.
Empathy.

If you can't/won't get these minimums from your spouse, your marriage will continue to die a slow death....even if you stay to try to make it work.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
BeyondBrokenInTN
♀ Member
Member # 41507
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been doing this for a week now, constantly. It's driving me crazy. He swears he's told everything -- looked into my eyes head on and swore to God. I don't know... I still don't believe him or I'd have peace. My stomach is in knots because he refused a polygraph. He said b/c they aren't always accurate. I know it's bullshit excuses..... He's a scientific person, military 10 years and very intelligent so hard to tell is bullcrap or not. I would've been fine with him saying yes, I'll take 1 and we didn't have to go, him being willing would've given me enough peace. Uuugggg!!! My stomach is in knots. I'm about to try and have a conversation with him. I'll let you know how it goes.


Me: BGF 38F
Him: WBF 33M
Together for 5.9 years (4/5/08)
PA - Oct. 16, 17, 18, 2013 (business training out of state)
EA - Oct. 14 - Nov. 22, 2013 (same Woman)
D-DAY ~ Nov 22, 2013 (I found emails & confronted).
Working toward Reconciliation

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Tennessee
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

180. All of them. Go see an attorney. Start worrying about you and cut them out of your life. Who cares what they are doing? You already know they dont give a crap about you or they wouldnt have cheated.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
BeyondBrokenInTN
♀ Member
Member # 41507
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HE SAID HE WOULD TAKE A POLYGRAPH!!!! Thank goodness!!!! Now I really feel peace!! He's going to do it to. I'm def following through with it! Yay!!! :)


Me: BGF 38F
Him: WBF 33M
Together for 5.9 years (4/5/08)
PA - Oct. 16, 17, 18, 2013 (business training out of state)
EA - Oct. 14 - Nov. 22, 2013 (same Woman)
D-DAY ~ Nov 22, 2013 (I found emails & confronted).
Working toward Reconciliation

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Tennessee
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is actually a good sign. Make sure you get all your questions answered.


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. Part of the cure,sorry to say,is just time. You get tired of it.I was obsessing on her betrayal ALL the time. Yes,even six months later.I was like a vibrating machine, self-destructing. So I had to face it,her treason was killing me and frankly, by then, I didn't want to die. So what helped in terms of pure technique?
I said, I am a man.This is war, its about survival and victory. These obsessions- as a result of HER actions, are killing me. Don't let them win.
I have paid my dues. So I did a mechanical mental discipline kind of thing. Thinking of her and her treason was one mental show or channel I'd seen enough of. I would whenever it came up-change the channel in my mind.It is a kind of mind practice, discipline,its not perfect at first but over time,it worked for me. Devise-you're smart, a technique that works.
Best wishes, my friend.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I said, I am a man.This is war, its about survival and victory. These obsessions- as a result of HER actions, are killing me. Don't let them win.
I have paid my dues. So I did a mechanical mental discipline kind of thing. Thinking of her and her treason was one mental show or channel I'd seen enough of. I would whenever it came up-change the channel in my mind.It is a kind of mind practice, discipline,its not perfect at first but over time,it worked for me. Devise-you're smart, a technique that works.

Be careful Coach. This^^^is called 'rugsweeping'. Please don't do that. You are so new and raw. You must find out what happened in your own life so that you can begin to heal from this shitfest.

There is a reason why you are ruminating...it is because your 'gut' is screaming! You know in your heart that you have not gotten the whole story.

Continue to dig. Do not settle for your WW choosing and controlling your life and history. Do what you can to get to the bottom of her crappy trysts. You must.

You can't heal what you can't feel.

There is no way through this mess except through it. Don't submerge it with fancy mind games. This is real life, not fantasy.

Give your WW real consequences for not coming 'clean' with info. All the info you want. You have a right to know. Don't give that up!

No offence Howie, but this can only work if you 'know everything' that happened. This is not such great advice if the BS does not get the whole story and his 'gut' is screaming...


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1141 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
ScarletBegonia
♀ New Member
Member # 41784
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand completely. I am sick and tired of digging for the truth. My D-Day was 12/6/13 and just today I found the naked pictures he swore to me and our MC just yesterday that he never sent! My gut tells me there is more too. You should get a polygraph...my WH said he will take one but I have my doubts he will pass. The TT's just keep on coming!

Posts: 2 | Registered: Dec 2013
PRNDL
♂ Member
Member # 41927
Default  Posted: 9:57 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was exactly in your shoes. I wasted 7 month trying to R only to learn my WW was still seeing, texting, sexting, and god only knows with the OP behind my back. I moved out 2 months ago and I feel FREE! Still sad and betrayed, but free from having to worry. Free from the unrelenting obsessing. I initiated the 180D and i am getting better. I even gave her the house and furniture. Let her have all that material garbage. Peace is all u need. At least this is what I did. It did take me 7 months of begging, crying, and pleading, before I built the strength to leave.


BH: 35 (me)
WS: 30 / OM: 30
Son: 11
Affair: 1.5 year long 2012
ONS with stranger Feb 2013
D-day #1 March 2013
D-day #2 April 2013
D-day #3 Sept 2013
Affair continued.
Limbo 7 months
Moved out - 180D - NC
Divorced
She recently ended it with OM

Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Tampa Florida
Topic Posts: 30
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