From the emotion in your words it seems to me that you have very strong feelings toward your WW. That means a lot.
Without knowing what you mean to her, I suggest you do work with her through MC to figure out how things got this way.
My MC cautioned us that if we don't figure out what happened, independent of who's responsible, we're very likely going to repeat the experience with out next partners. Plus, if you two decide to D, there'll be closure. Of course, your WW has to agree to MC.
The best advice I have read here about D is this: You're ready to D when you don't feel anything toward your WW. It sounds like you still have work to do, which is not the same as catering to your WW in any way. The work is figuring out how you got here.
Maybe you chose a really broken person. It's important to find out why you made that choice. Notice that this is all about you, even when you interact with WW through MC. This is your time to heal.
Good luck, brother. Stay strong.
The impulse to detach is healthy and normal in these cases..
Rug sweeping on the other hand is soul destroying and health destroying..
In the past year, I have put on 20 pounds..This is the first time that I have been overweight in 20 some years....And I haven't been rug sweeping, I have been living in an in-house separation..
So I learned from my experience that unless or until both partners decide to R the marriage/relationship, daily face to face contact with the WS is unhealthy physically and mentally..
For me I am mortified and terrified of the gain in my weight and change in my health, but I have been too depressed to do much about it..
Before my life imploded on me, I got my exercise by being a bike athlete....
So detachment means No sex, no affection until the WS gives up lying,TT, and comes out of the fog and you both decide to R..
She has to own what she did and move back toward the M and you instead of away..She has to do all of the above before you decide that it is too late and that you don't want her anymore..
In my case my goal is gonna be divorce so my detachment is permanent.. I have lost love and respect for my WH and I don't want him anymore..
What do you mean by "eating it" Figure this out in your mind..
Do you mean that you are trying to act like everything is normal for the sake of the kids ?
Or is the fact that you are still in the same house with her making you feel like you are "eating it" ?
Whatever you do, don't eat and swallow her disrespectful treatment of you (TT, fog, lying, etc) by acting like things are normal..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:35 AM, January 6th (Monday)]
I think sometimes you just need to know when to fold your hand and walk away from the table.
The other night he says he had to run to the store. I checked records a few days later.... Guess what...5 minutes after he walked out of the house she called him. coincidence?? Hardly....I'm sure he sent her a text and said "call me" and she did. That way if I question he can say... She called me I didn't call her".
Have iPhones so with this IMessage stuff u can no longer see that texts were sent. I hate that...it's just a boon to cheaters:(
I went crazy! It was not pretty. Because of my reaction to my discovery he quickly spilled the beans about every and any other instance that could possibly be tied to 'it'. He did not want a repeat of that reaction!
This was a very, very stressful time. Why couldn't he see and respect that I have a right to know what happened in my own damn life??
When you read here on SI where TT takes you back to DD. Believe it!
I hope and pray that your WW will understand the soul crushing pain that you are in and not exacerbate this shitstorm by TT'ing you.
Lies and sneaking around for some strang'e dick is bad enough but continuing the deceit by not being truthful and transparent is cruel and selfish.
Tell her to just rip off the bandaid and get it over with. Anything less is just being disrespectful to you and your marriage...Covering her ass and keeping secrets with the OM will ruin R.
IF that is what you two want... The ball is in your court.
Is your WW giving you full access to all email, social media, phone and phone records, CC statements and the like? Transparency, and being accountable go along with honesty and remorse.
Don't fall for that "I am an adult, I need some privacy." Call Bullshit on that one. She lost that sort of trust when she decided to go behind your back and take another lover. She needs to be humble and accommodating to you and completely transparent.
Strength and clarity to you Coach.
Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
I think that would start when I stop thinking about everything.
Hey Coach, I am sure by now you are exhausted by this crappy situation. So take a break. Do something nice for yourself, get out and exercise, maybe punch a few bags at the gym.
Just know that she cannot un-fuck the donkey and you cannot un-know the the truth in your marriage. It's what we call your 'New Normal'. Your wife took a lover whilst being married to you.
You will have to deal at some point with the infidelity. And that will include FULL TRANSPARENCY. Not just from here on out, but what happened in the past. Even if it is just the facts or a timeline.
Your WW not giving you full details is basically lying by omission. Aren't you tired of her lying to you?
Maybe a polygraph is in your future...
You cannot heal what you can't feel. Please try not to rugsweep.
This shit ain't easy! But if ALL the issues in the betrayal are not dealt with and nipped in the bud now, you can pretty much count on a repeat.
I am no soothsayer...Read any of the second time around threads here in JFO. It almost always is the same setup. Loving couples have one person that goes astray, they R quickly and sorta ignore the past in a misguided attempt to 'move forward and let the past go' only to have another betrayal pop up 2 to 3 years later.
The only way through this shitstorm is THROUGH IT. And its a lotta work.
Take Care Coach.
[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 1:24 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]