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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wasting time
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't feel better, which is not the same as feeling good, until I detached.

From the emotion in your words it seems to me that you have very strong feelings toward your WW. That means a lot.

Without knowing what you mean to her, I suggest you do work with her through MC to figure out how things got this way.

My MC cautioned us that if we don't figure out what happened, independent of who's responsible, we're very likely going to repeat the experience with out next partners. Plus, if you two decide to D, there'll be closure. Of course, your WW has to agree to MC.

The best advice I have read here about D is this: You're ready to D when you don't feel anything toward your WW. It sounds like you still have work to do, which is not the same as catering to your WW in any way. The work is figuring out how you got here.

Maybe you chose a really broken person. It's important to find out why you made that choice. Notice that this is all about you, even when you interact with WW through MC. This is your time to heal.

Good luck, brother. Stay strong.


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"No offence Howie, but this can only work if you 'know everything' that happened. This is not such great advice if the BS does not get the whole story and his 'gut' is screaming...".
I'd agree but if one HAS the right quota of information, there is a time to let it go if one is obsessing over the same set of details.This can be very damaging, if which case "sweep" techniques may be very helpful. My take anyway. Best of luck "coach.

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you feel like you are done but you can't leave or kick her out then detach..

The impulse to detach is healthy and normal in these cases..

Rug sweeping on the other hand is soul destroying and health destroying..

In the past year, I have put on 20 pounds..This is the first time that I have been overweight in 20 some years....And I haven't been rug sweeping, I have been living in an in-house separation..

So I learned from my experience that unless or until both partners decide to R the marriage/relationship, daily face to face contact with the WS is unhealthy physically and mentally..

For me I am mortified and terrified of the gain in my weight and change in my health, but I have been too depressed to do much about it..

Before my life imploded on me, I got my exercise by being a bike athlete....

So detachment means No sex, no affection until the WS gives up lying,TT, and comes out of the fog and you both decide to R..

She has to own what she did and move back toward the M and you instead of away..She has to do all of the above before you decide that it is too late and that you don't want her anymore..

In my case my goal is gonna be divorce so my detachment is permanent.. I have lost love and respect for my WH and I don't want him anymore..

What do you mean by "eating it" Figure this out in your mind..

Do you mean that you are trying to act like everything is normal for the sake of the kids ?

Or is the fact that you are still in the same house with her making you feel like you are "eating it" ?

Whatever you do, don't eat and swallow her disrespectful treatment of you (TT, fog, lying, etc) by acting like things are normal..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:35 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Nov 2011
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wasted a few months actually trying to believe my lying cheater. On the inside, I knew it was hopeless and life is too damned short to compromise myself and sell off little pieces of my soul for someone who clearly did NOT have my best interests at heart.

I think sometimes you just need to know when to fold your hand and walk away from the table.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1807 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Whatdoido333
♀ Member
Member # 36597
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used to always trust my H no matter what, until I found out about his affair. he swears it was never an affair....just friends.... Even now, 4 plus years after Dday!!! I know he's still lying. I hardly ever check phone records anymore, but when I do, there's always a phone call to OW. They still work together so he says it's work related.. That's BS.

The other night he says he had to run to the store. I checked records a few days later.... Guess what...5 minutes after he walked out of the house she called him. coincidence?? Hardly....I'm sure he sent her a text and said "call me" and she did. That way if I question he can say... She called me I didn't call her".

Have iPhones so with this IMessage stuff u can no longer see that texts were sent. I hate that...it's just a boon to cheaters:(


Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2012
Coachdig10
♂ Member
Member # 41706
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things are actually going well between us. She is trying and I think understands her actions. My only issue is not knowing everything. I have been searching since the beginning and I don't think she understands why. I finally found something that expresses my words regarding this. It is in the healing library, Joseph's letter. It is almost word for word what I think and feel. If we can get past this, I think we are on our way to true R. But that is the only way I can heal.


BS- 42
WS- 36
Married 16
Kids- 3
DDay 1/17/13

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: California
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad you found 'Joseph's Letter'. I showed this to Mr. Happy around 8 months after DD. He did get the idea of what he was perpetrating...but his coward ass would not tell the truth about a trip he took with his whore. I dug around and found it myself.

I went crazy! It was not pretty. Because of my reaction to my discovery he quickly spilled the beans about every and any other instance that could possibly be tied to 'it'. He did not want a repeat of that reaction!

This was a very, very stressful time. Why couldn't he see and respect that I have a right to know what happened in my own damn life??

When you read here on SI where TT takes you back to DD. Believe it!

I hope and pray that your WW will understand the soul crushing pain that you are in and not exacerbate this shitstorm by TT'ing you.

Lies and sneaking around for some strang'e dick is bad enough but continuing the deceit by not being truthful and transparent is cruel and selfish.

Tell her to just rip off the bandaid and get it over with. Anything less is just being disrespectful to you and your marriage...Covering her ass and keeping secrets with the OM will ruin R.

IF that is what you two want... The ball is in your court.

BTW~
Is your WW giving you full access to all email, social media, phone and phone records, CC statements and the like? Transparency, and being accountable go along with honesty and remorse.

Don't fall for that "I am an adult, I need some privacy." Call Bullshit on that one. She lost that sort of trust when she decided to go behind your back and take another lover. She needs to be humble and accommodating to you and completely transparent.

Strength and clarity to you Coach.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Coachdig10
♂ Member
Member # 41706
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have full access to everything any time I want. The only thing I am missing is knowledge of all details. As the first of the post says, I am tired of looking at all of this for something. I have dug through everything trying to piece together info. Looked through everything to make sure nothing else is happening. I am worn down and tired of wasting my time looking for things. As others have said, it is my choice on how I feel and I would like to feel good for a change. I think that would start when I stop thinking about everything.


BS- 42
WS- 36
Married 16
Kids- 3
DDay 1/17/13

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: California
Getting to Happy
♀ Member
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that would start when I stop thinking about everything.

Hey Coach, I am sure by now you are exhausted by this crappy situation. So take a break. Do something nice for yourself, get out and exercise, maybe punch a few bags at the gym.

Just know that she cannot un-fuck the donkey and you cannot un-know the the truth in your marriage. It's what we call your 'New Normal'. Your wife took a lover whilst being married to you.

You will have to deal at some point with the infidelity. And that will include FULL TRANSPARENCY. Not just from here on out, but what happened in the past. Even if it is just the facts or a timeline.

Your WW not giving you full details is basically lying by omission. Aren't you tired of her lying to you?

Maybe a polygraph is in your future...

You cannot heal what you can't feel. Please try not to rugsweep.

This shit ain't easy! But if ALL the issues in the betrayal are not dealt with and nipped in the bud now, you can pretty much count on a repeat.

I am no soothsayer...Read any of the second time around threads here in JFO. It almost always is the same setup. Loving couples have one person that goes astray, they R quickly and sorta ignore the past in a misguided attempt to 'move forward and let the past go' only to have another betrayal pop up 2 to 3 years later.

The only way through this shitstorm is THROUGH IT. And its a lotta work.

Take Care Coach.

[This message edited by Getting to Happy at 1:24 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Coachdig10
♂ Member
Member # 41706
Default  Posted: 7:42 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rugsweeping is what I seem to be doing a lot lately. Seems to be more and more mostly to make the pain go away. I'm smart enough to know that the pain won't go away like that but not smart enough to stop it I guess.


BS- 42
WS- 36
Married 16
Kids- 3
DDay 1/17/13

Posts: 52 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 30
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