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Newest Member: manwhocantbemove (45699)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Could change everything about myself, but never be new again
♂ New Member
Member # 41909
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went in to see a divorce attorney on Friday. I did a little prescreening online to try and find one who didn't appear too eager to take their clients all the way to trial...she openly recognized that after she's finished her work and leaves, the former spouses are still left behind to deal with the aftermath. At the onset of the consultation she urged that my wife and I go to see a counselor before going down this road. After hearing a bit more about what was going on, however, her opinion changed a bit. She took back what she had said earlier and suggested instead that I go in for individual counseling for help in figuring out whether this is a relationship I want to even bother trying to salvage. She'd hate to see me coming in at 40 and regretting not having left sooner. The fact that this was a very soft-spoken gentle woman telling me these things carried a bit of weight.

Things have gotten to the point where I'm shopping for a counselor to, amongst other things, convince me that it's worthwhile trying to work on myself while still in the marriage. I'm also planning on digging deep into a lot of the questions that were posed in the past few posts (why the difficulty in setting boundaries, why tolerate it, etc). Even if it's not to be used in this relationship, it will certainly still be applicable in the next.

As to why I'm not moving on's easier to pay for counseling while maintaining a household on two incomes versus one. If anyone keeps the house, it will be my WW. I'm ~two hours from the office (one way) and would want to move closer. Unless I wanted to pull my DD from daycare and move her into a new home, she'd have to stay with my wife. My wife, being a bit busy these past two years, hasn't had the opportunity to develop the patience (or skills really) needed for dealing with a 3-year old version of herself.

Me: 31
WW: 30
married 5 yrs
Together 12 years
3yr A (PA & EA)
one DD, 3yrs old

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Chicago
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad to hear that you saw an attorney and are looking for a therapist--good for you. Hopefully you can start thinking and planning practically for what a S/D might look like and how to get there so that you are getting what you need from the situation. It's a great step just keep putting the feet in front of each other.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♂ Member
Member # 36057
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You allowed her to spend night with OM and what did you expect? Are you living in this world?

Everyone here said she is broken but I think differently, to tell the truth frankly, I feel its you who is more broken for enabling her A right under your nose pretending evrything was right.She is a user, she took advantage of this and continued having her sex fest.

She is still in contact with OM (are you sure they are not meeting?)even after confronting and you still unsure of D her.

I strongly advice you to have an IC who is specialized in codependency.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jul 2012
♂ New Member
Member # 41909
Default  Posted: 8:55 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Norabird: Thanks for the support. Looking into what S/D would look like was amongst the first options I considered after finding out. My meeting with the attorney confirmed most of my initial assumptions and, regardless of who gets custody of my DD, my WW has the most to lose (aside from my DD, herself).

Kannan: Yes, I did. I trusted her. We were new parents and she obviously wasn't adjusting as well as me, so I thought the time away would help. I expected that she would act like a morally grounded individual and, you know, not sleep with the guy. You might be right that I have more issues than she, but I expect that starting to consider a life without her (or her minimal involvement given DD) and heading in that direction is a step in the right direction.

Me: 31
WW: 30
married 5 yrs
Together 12 years
3yr A (PA & EA)
one DD, 3yrs old

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Chicago
Topic Posts: 64
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