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User Topic: A startling conversation!
Senraba02
♀ New Member
Member # 41630
Stop  Posted: 9:20 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS:❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
BS: what are you doing?
WS: picking up Reagan and I want to go back to ES. I'm getting upset.

BS: why?
WS: because I want a new job.
WS: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
BS: Maybe it will get better soon. I'm sure most companies aren't doing much this week because of the new year. Maybe Monday things will start changing.

WS: I accept that. Lol. Name it!
BS: sons
WS: yep yep lol
WS: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
BS: (nothing for a while)
WS: How come every single time I've sent my heart, you've responded with a question or something off topic? Not feeling it today?

BS: Same reason it's always been.
WS: But there are times when you can move beyond it. And times you can't. If your not feeling it in that moment that okay. It still hurts me, but I understand. I don't want you to not be able to talk to me. Even last night when I tried to lay on you, and you pushed me away. It hurts. And I'm trying to be as patient and understanding as I can. I just get so upset when I don't feel like you try to do that for me, at all. I'll just stop texting you an give you space.

BS: It's gotten worse. I can't get that "feeling" back. I just keep thinking and remembering that time and the things you did. And everything is different. You're different. In my mind everything jumps back to "it".

WS: Because you refuse to get or use the tools to help you. You fixate and allow it to take over. That "feeling" comes from both people putting in the effort. It's a 2way street. Something that you said you learned and wouldn't ever do to me again. I understand that you keep saying it's gotten worse- but it hasn't gotten "worse".
Do you think I like having you keep me at arms length? Do you think I don't cry all the time? Do you think I don't want to be close? You are the only one who can allow that to happen. And it's a choice. If you love me enough to want to push through this with me. But it's also hard on my end knowing you don't mean it when you tell me you love me. Or tell me to stay. Or anything nice or positive.

BS: It's not a choice. It's not that simple. You threw away, destroyed, something that was special about us. Something that can never be replaced or regained. No matter what I will never see you the same way again. How can I look at you the same way knowing you were able to do that? The person I thought I was with woukdnt do that. But you did. I can't change who I am.

WS: Every single self help video, book, therapist etc says that it is your choice to keep "it" alive or put it in the past an move on. And you are keeping it alive because you won't let me in and allow us to get close again. Hence: feeling distant.

BS: Feeling close to you just reminds me of the closeness you had with him. Everytime that's what I think of. Everytime.

WS: You may not be able to change who you are- but you can absolutely change the way you are. And make a conscious effort to better yourself. So your saying you DONT want to be close to me? You DONT want to push through this with me?

WS:
You HAVE to make a decision and put all your energy into it. You either want to or you don't. You don't get it both ways. And if you love me even a little you wouldn't want me to feel unloved and unwanted. That's what I don't understand. You "SAY" your in love with me- but you refuse to " SHOW" me. You know, your different yourself! But I know your in there somewhere. And I know that is what I am fighting for. If you would just make a decision and stick to it. Put forth effort. Try! Then there is hope. But how can I keep fighting for you when you are FIGHTING AGAINST ME. I've never once felt like you were fighting for us. Not since the beginning when you didn't want to spend a second away from me. Was that all lies?

BS: I feel like I'm trapped in a maze and there's no "right"way out. One way I'm without you , the other I have to live with these horrible memories and thoughts for ever. Neither way is fair to me. I loved you every second since the day we met. And you did everything you could to be with him. You made excuses, you rationalized, lied and cheated on me. You got exactly what YOU wanted from him. And that is nearly impossible for me to live with.

WS: When you were scared to tell me about what happened with you. Afraid that I wouldn't want to talk to you anymore... What did I do? Knowing you were capable of doing that? What did I do? I accepted everything, and even though you didn't "do" it TO me, you were very capable of it. Everyone granted you forgiveness- but your saying I don't deserve forgiveness and a 2nd chance. How selfish does that sound? I am beginning to believe that you are keeping me at arms length and keeping this distance between us so you can allow yourself to not love me. And with that you will be able to kick me out without any remorse. Your just waiting for any love you have left for me to die. I want to believe that we love each other so much, enough, that even the hardest situation (this) wouldn't tear us apart- but just be a setback. That you would see and feel my regret and love for you. That you could see inside my soul and feel all the emotions that flow through me everyday. That we are strong enough to make it. But I don't feel like you ever cared enough to see that or be that close to be before. So why would I hope that you would now? Maybe, just maybe, my love for you actually is deeper than what you give me credit for. Maybe my love for you is stronger than your love for me. Because you said you wouldn't have stuck around if it was reversed. You'd of left me a long time ago.

BS: If you loved me as much as you think you do then THIS WOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED. that's not real love. What you did is not real love.

WS: Of course you don't hear anything I said. You just keep thinking the way your thinking- because no one else could possibly be right and you be wrong. And if you want to get technical, you can ALSO say that true love, REAL true love is strong enough that it accepts that bad decisions and actions can be made, but it's strong enough to hold on. That in the wake of even this disaster it prevails.
No one said you don't have the right to hurt or be crushed or feel anything you feel, but honest to God, TRUE meaningful love is more than just saying if you loved me you coulda shoulda woulda.

BS: What is true love then? Is it sneaking Behind your husbands back talking and texting another man for months? Is it telling that man you're getting divorced to take the next step true love? Is all the things you said to him true love? Why can't you understand that things will never be the same? I will never understand this. Never.

BS: You act like it doesn't matter what you did, if I loved you then we should be able to get past it. There isn't anything you could have done that is worse. Nothing. This is not about my love for you.

WS: You don't understand the frame of mind I was in and then got lost in the mess and got in over my head? You can't understand that with the very real aspect of losing you is what smacked me in the face and pulled my ass back to reality? Nothing about that time is who I really am. And as much as you want to believe that it has nothing to do with your love for me, your wrong. Because fighting together for us and making it, is nothing BUT what love we have for each other.
I NEVER said what I did doesn't matter. Not once did I say that or behave like that. But you aren't allowing yourself to be open enough to ever consider understanding. And that's why you never will. Not because you couldn't, but because you won't.
No one is saying that what I did was OK. No one is saying that it is acceptable behavior.
But I am saying-
Am I not deserving of your forgiveness? Do I not deserve a 2nd chance?
Am I wrong for believing that our love is so true and deep that we will make it? Am I wrong for hoping you love me that much?

And as much as you think it's a lose lose: lose me or be reminded- it's a lose lose for me too. Lose you or be treated like a leper. Be made to feel like I don't belong. And I don't deserve your love. But no matter what- I choose you. Because i love you that much. And I hope that someday you will finally see that.

BS: Yes you do deserve forgiveness. But that's not the same as being able to fully trust and believe in your love the way I did.

WS: No. It's not the same. Because if you truly forgive then you allow yourself to become vulnerable and open again. And that trust and belief will come. But it never will keeping me on the outside.

BS: I just can't let go of what you did. I see it in a million things all day everyday. Every love song on the radio, any mention or reference to sex, the constant reminders on tv or movies about cheating,it's everywhere. And every time it just pushes me away from you. Because in my mind I can't accept how you could hurt me that way and not care,not feel remorse. Not,ever, not once say to yourself "what the hell am I doing". Not once.
I just don't understand. And I have to.
You MIGHT have stopped the sex temporarily , but you still seeked his attention and affection. And sex was inevitable again. I just threw a wrench in your plans by finding out.

WS: You don't know everything that went through my mind. And you also have no idea what it feels like to feel like your living in a dream where nothing is actually real.
* and I did stop it. On my own. And here is something you need to get straight: if I would have lost you that night, my resentment and hatred for him would have kept it "stopped". And still to this day my anger and hatred have not ceased. If I wouldn't have been in SHOCK of you finding out then I am sure I wouldn't have been clouded in judgement on what to do. Everything about that time is a cluster fuck of wrong. But the real me, unclouded, with sound mind and judgement- wouldn't have. And I am so thankful that I came out of that whole mess. And nothing you can say or do is worse that what I do to myself over it. But I have to believe that OUR love is strong enough. Deep enough. That you love me enough. Because if it's not, and you don't, then why am I fighting?

BS:I don't know what else to say or do. I hear what youre saying. I do. I don't necessarily believe all of it. I think you say things because it sounds better than the truth. And I think you remember and were much more aware of what was going on than you admit. But none of that really matters. I don't know how to let go of this. Everytime I have a feeling of love and closeness to you, almost instantly that other stuff comes flooding back. Before the closeness lasted longer, for days at a time. But now for some reason it just comes and goes and I feel angry, dissappointed, and heart broken. I just don't know what to do.

WS:
The very first step to regaining a bond or closeness with your significant other is simply making the choice to do something about it. When there is a distance or a gap between two people, it can either be nurtured back- or it can be ignored and the distance gets bigger. Those are the only 2 options. Decide which one you want. If you choose to do something about it, be aware that it will not get better if you don't give 100%. If you are with drawling or stepping back because of a specific reason it's usually done as a survival method to protect yourself. And if that's the case, you chose to do that too. It's important to recognize these things as decisions you made. Because you did, no one else did and no one else can. It's completely up to you to make the decision to regain closeness with your significant other too. Once you make that decision, you have to do what it takes, don't just make the decision and then expect results. You have to actually show your partner that your taking this seriously and that you are making an effort. A huge mistake couples make when trying to rebuild is expecting something, anything from their significant other that they themselves wouldn't even do. Do not make your partners attempts go unnoticed. Nothing is worse than trying and not getting any feedback. And don't make the mountain they are climbing bigger than one you would be able to climb. Next, consider how negative these words are. No. Can't. Don't. Won't. But. Do not ever say these words once you have committed to doing your part. Every single person on earth is capable of good and bad, positive and negative. If you love your significant other, don't give in to "I can't". You always can. Your choosing not to because of the scary unknown. It's a normal reaction to have but I very much a choice. You have to be able to walk the walk if you want to reconnect with your partner. Understanding that YOU have the power to overcome anything that is mentally blocking your path is crucial. If your relationship is over because you "can't, won't, don't" you need to understand that it's you who is choosing that path, because you are allowing those 3 words to take over your choice. It's easy to do and get caught up in. But know that it's a never ending cycle. Once you choose to break free from it you will be able to regain closeness and security in your relationship. Are you going to let 3 words stand in the way of the bond you want with your significant other? Or are you going to make the decision to stand up and do something about it!?

Ways to "Do something about it"
We all have triggers. Some triggers are good and some are bad. Most triggers go unnoticed, but happen every single day. You are in control of your triggers or you are not. If you aren't, you feel hopeless and scared and that causes you to pull further away. To gain control of your triggers you have to 1) Be emotionally strong, or they will take over your life. 2) Mind over matter. Our minds are tricky things. You have the tool, so use it against itself. Demand that it goes away or stops. The moment one starts, gain the upper hand. Easier said than done? Maybe at first, but just as you learned to walk, you fell a few times. Don't give up, loosing your relationship is the cost of giving up.
Always, always, verbalize your love. In a note, in a whisper, in a text, in a phone call. It lets the other person in your relationship know that your still trying. Do you know what your partners love language is? Touch, Speech, Feel? If you don't, you better figure it out and fast.
If your a "Touch" you always want to hold hands, lay with, lay on, hands, toes, anything that involves the other person and yourself engaging in physical touching. If you are a "Touch" it's vitally important to the relationship. If you could you would crawl inside the other person.
If your a "Speech" you need to hear it all the time. Not just hearing I love you, but any endearment. And more is never enough.
If your "Feel" you need to feel their love on an emotional level and this is very tricky when you've pushed someone away. It's almost setting them up for failure. But all hope is not lost. If you choose to regain that closeness and work on it every day, that "Feel" will return. Remember, it's up to you. I hope I have helped you understand what your feeling a little better. I know it's psychology 101 but when your the one going through it you can't see it.
Good luck.

At bed time:
WS: do you want me to leave you alone?

BS: why? Do you have something to say?

WS: I just wanted to crawl up next to you and hold you and feel you. But the last thing I want is to feel rejected so I'm asking you.

BS: (complete silence) and then falls asleep

I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO PROCESS THIS. WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!?!?


13 years together
Married 7 years
Divorced Oct 29 2012 Still living together
Me: FWS 30something
BH: 40something
D-day Sept 5, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
NoGoodUsername
♂ Member
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me like you are telling your BS how to feel, how quickly he needs to get through these problems that you caused and are acting like all he has to do is throw enough techniques at it and the pain of having his life blown up will go away.

Even though I am a wayward, if my spouse talked to me the way you are treating your betrayed partner, we would have a huge argument and it might kick us out of reconciliation altogether.

You might want to ponder why you think it is appropriate to use the imperative form with your betrayed spouse.


Me: WH 43
Her: BW 39
Dday 7/11/13

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013
heartbroken0903
♀ Member
Member # 27879
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds as though you are pressuring your BH, in some of your responses to the point of manipulation.

From those messages, it sounds as though he's doing the best he can given a hellish situation. While I agree that at some point the BS has to meet the WS halfway for R to work, it honestly sounds to me as though he is trying---and in return, he gets lectured on how he's just not trying *enough.*


Me: WS, 30s
XH: BS, 40s
No kids

Married 2.5 years
D-day 3/6/10
Divorced 5/14/10

Reconciling after divorce


Posts: 1917 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: the cat's meow
Senraba02
♀ New Member
Member # 41630
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My intention is to not tell him what to do or how quickly he has to do it. We are at 16 mo past DDay
I don't want to be pushy or rushing. Not at all. When he says "I don't know what to do" I want to help. I want to fix it. I want to hear everything you all have to say! Because it will help me to see what I am doing wrong. And I thank you for your honesty.


13 years together
Married 7 years
Divorced Oct 29 2012 Still living together
Me: FWS 30something
BH: 40something
D-day Sept 5, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
MC_Jack
♂ Member
Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only WS can post on stop sign threads.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:53 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The generally accepted time span for a BS to work through the devastation and reconcile is 2-5 years.

Looks like your BS is on the 5 year plan. At 16 months you've just begun.

In regards to your 'textathon', all I see is a very convoluted, long winded 'get the fuck over it already'.

By the way, I would caution you to not use texting when having deep & meaningful conversations, so many subtle nuances are lost in the text format which are apparent when communcating verbally face to face.


Me:WS,53
Her:BS,53 (WantToWakeUp)
Married 32yrs
Dday Dec 2009

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 274 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing to keep in mind is that, just as you go through your procees at your pace, he's going through his at *his* pace. Yes, you're over a year past Dday and I can understand your frustration at not being as far along as you want to be. But in *showing* that frustration, your BH is hearing "You're going too slow. Why aren't you healing faster?" That's like telling someone who lost a dear loved one that they should be done grieving in a couple days. Your BH is grieving the loss of the M and the wife he thought he had. Let him. For as long as he needs to. Don't push for things he's showing/telling you he's not ready for yet. Patience is what's needed, now and for some time to come.


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5832 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
Senraba02
♀ New Member
Member # 41630
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@SlowUptake
I know there is no way to know these things, but my BS has a pretty hard time communicating. Just about the only time he has a "meaningful" conversation it's over text or email. It's because he says it's easier to get his feelings out. I know that the stretch is 2-5 years and I am most likely looking at 5+ IF he will even be able to last that long. My post of the conversation wasn't to have anyone bash the WS or BS but to help me get insight on what I could be doing to better help this healing process. The fuller back story is in another post- but this specific conversation boggled me. Idk what else to do.


13 years together
Married 7 years
Divorced Oct 29 2012 Still living together
Me: FWS 30something
BH: 40something
D-day Sept 5, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with the others. Are you just pushing because he's not giving you the answers you want to hear? Honestly when I read the whole diatribe was the *feeling* that you want this over with, your way. Each person handles these things a bit differently. What if your BS decides not to R but to D instead. He can still make that choice, you know. As well as you. So what then?

What will you do if he throws in the towel? Will you keep working on the M till the very end? Will you decide to make changes within yourself, regardless the outcome? Will you start over with a new relationship?

ETA: something you need to realize real quick is that your partner feels like he's lived a lie, he doesn't know who you really are or what to believe, especially if it's coming from your mouth.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 11:33 PM, January 3rd (Friday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
BS: (nothing for a while)
WS: How come every single time I've sent my heart, you've responded with a question or something off topic? Not feeling it today?

BS: Same reason it's always been.
WS: But there are times when you can move beyond it. And times you can't. If your not feeling it in that moment that okay. It still hurts me, but I understand. I don't want you to not be able to talk to me. Even last night when I tried to lay on you, and you pushed me away. It hurts. And I'm trying to be as patient and understanding as I can. I just get so upset when I don't feel like you try to do that for me, at all. I'll just stop texting you an give you space.


This is what I see here.

Your texting him the hearts repeatedly.
He's not responding in kind.
You get pissed that he's not taking any notice of your declaration of love.
You then poke the bear with a stick to get a reaction.
Bear responds with a clear, I'm not in the mood, just drop it.
You then proceed to tell the bear what he's not doing to get over it and how it hurts you so much.
(Frankly at 16 months out he doesn't give a rat's pimply pitoot how you feel, he's too busy dealing with his pain)

Do you see anything wrong here?

What I see is it's all about you and what you want.


Me:WS,53
Her:BS,53 (WantToWakeUp)
Married 32yrs
Dday Dec 2009

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 274 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slowuptake...

What I see is it's all about you and what you want.

Jesus, give her a break. It IS about her feelings right now and that's ok. Not everything and every WS needs to push what they're going through aside.

New member = new feelings. Be patient.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 192056 | Registered: May 2002
Senraba02
♀ New Member
Member # 41630
Default  Posted: 11:47 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What will you do if he throws in the towel? Will you keep working on the M till the very end? Will you decide to make changes within yourself, regardless the outcome? Will you start over with a new relationship

In 16 months he had kicked me out and brought me back 5 times. It's not only confusing for me it's also confusing for our kids. I'm not looking for him to quicken the grieving process but to commit to either moving on or moving forward. I know it's not for me to put on a timeline and I certainly don't want to force anything. I guess I'm just looking for anything in him that gives us hope? But all I hear is I can't. It's definitely not about me. Although I am having a very hard time dealing with my own emotions.


13 years together
Married 7 years
Divorced Oct 29 2012 Still living together
Me: FWS 30something
BH: 40something
D-day Sept 5, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
Senraba02
♀ New Member
Member # 41630
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really trying here. I don't know what I'm doing. I want this to work out so much because I love him so deeply. And though, my A didn't have to happen for me to realize it, it certainly completely solidifies it. I know without a moments hesitation he is the man I want to be with only, for the rest of my life.
I know he is struggling and he has to grieve his own way in his own time. I guess I'm just struggling with little to no progress at all after 16 months. But I'm seeing quickly that 16 months is a blink of the eye in these situations.

Thank you ALL for your honesty and your posts!


13 years together
Married 7 years
Divorced Oct 29 2012 Still living together
Me: FWS 30something
BH: 40something
D-day Sept 5, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So why not stear the boat of recovery in another direction for a while. Stop focusing so much on him and more on yourself- as selfish as that sounds. Try to heal yourself then work on the M. Maybe he'll be more willing to reciprocate once he sees changes in you that are sincere and permanent.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
Senraba02
♀ New Member
Member # 41630
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@Stilllovinghim

Okay. I will try anything. So, working on me. What exactly do you mean by that? Do you have specific things in mind?
I don't even know where to start.
Thank you!!


13 years together
Married 7 years
Divorced Oct 29 2012 Still living together
Me: FWS 30something
BH: 40something
D-day Sept 5, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 11:59 PM, January 3rd (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I see is it's all about you and what you want.

I am sorry Senraba02, I was being harsh.
Think I'm projecting a bit of my own past poor behaviour.

I need to work on that.


Me:WS,53
Her:BS,53 (WantToWakeUp)
Married 32yrs
Dday Dec 2009

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 274 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Senraba02
♀ New Member
Member # 41630
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@SlowUptake:

Believe me, I know that I deserve not only the support, but the firm truth as well. I didn't take offense to your words, I only am looking to learn here. Learn what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. And if I am wrong, I WANT to hear it.
So, even though you think you were being harsh, and your sincere apology, what you said does have some truth to it. I am thinking only about my feelings and how it hurts me. And how I can move him along. How I can quicken the process. I'm seeing there are no short cuts and that I need to be a hell of a lot more supportive of what it is he is going through. I just don't know what to say to do that.

Thanks for everything!!


13 years together
Married 7 years
Divorced Oct 29 2012 Still living together
Me: FWS 30something
BH: 40something
D-day Sept 5, 2012

Posts: 27 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 12:34 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some suggestions and any others reading feel free to add on:
Are you in IC (Individual Counseling) yes? How's it going? What have you learned? No? Then I highly recommend it. If you can't receive IC for whatever reason, a lot of churches have a pastor who will offer counsel. Some places where you live may offer some sort of free or reduced-priced counseling, you just have to look it up.

Something else would be to start journaling. Be honest in it. No one will ever read it unless you give them permission. If you have 5 mins to jot down some thoughts, go ahead. If you have an hour, etc whenever you have a chance and you will start to uncover some little nuggets about yourself; only if you're 100% honest! Go back later and re-read. See the changes and struggles and triumphs within yourself.

Another thing I suggest is to set some time aside at least an hour a week (I don't know how hectic your schedule is) for some YOU time. This can be a walk, a bubble bath with a glass of wine, a facial, get a massage- same-gender
Not the kids. Just YOU. Its not a terrible thing to do. Its healthy and it will help you realize you need to relax and you do deserve a break from life.

There's also a ton of books that offer great advice. "Not Just Friends" & "5 Love Languages" to name the ones off the top of my head...

Anyway,I hope some of this helped. Take what you want & leave the rest.


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1933 | Registered: Oct 2010
SlowUptake
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Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 1:43 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just about the only time he has a "meaningful" conversation it's over text or email

I can so relate to your BS. I'm like that too. Although I'm getting a lot better at expressing myself verbally.

My suggestion would be as I said before, no deep and meaningful texts.
Email as Hobson's choice, because he's not comfortable with verbal.
The reason I say that is when formulating an email response you have time to really think.

Ask yourself these questions when you proof read your response before sending it.

Is this just about me & what I want?
Am I considering the pain he's in right now?
Is he just wanting reassurance not an essay on the state of our relationship?

I'm sure you can come up with a few of your own.

I think emailing might be a good thing for you also, for another reason

And sometimes I just fly off the handle and get just as negative.

I wish you well.


Me:WS,53
Her:BS,53 (WantToWakeUp)
Married 32yrs
Dday Dec 2009

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 274 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Tesseract
♂ Member
Member # 39624
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry, Deeply but I agree with Slow here. That entire conversation was making me cringe. The tone in and of itself is kind of mind-boggling to me. I read through the back story in your earlier posts, and I am sorry that you are having a hard time and that your husband is having a hard time moving on and finding the will to work on it.

There's something that my wife and daughters have told me that perhaps will help you: it isn't your job to determine what I do with it (reject or accept); it's just your job to offer [affection/love/etc.]. The idea is to offer your love without expectation of it being immediately reciprocated. To trust yourself and your husband enough that you can give him that and live with either response, hoping that the effects are cumulative and add momentum to what you are trying to rebuild.

I understand that when you offer and are rejected that it hurts. I don't think that really justifies telling him how he should feel. It doesn't come across to an outside party as you trying to help him so much as it sounds like you're frustrated that his response isn't what you want. It comes across as the polar opposite to things you yourself have said in previous posts, and I understand that. I've certainly acted in ways entirely at odds with things I've professed here and to my spouse on innumerable occasions in frustration and pain and fear.

All that said, the ups and downs that all of the couples here go through seem to be pretty extreme for you two. Having the divorce (and giving up everything) and then being kicked out five times in sixteen months is not okay, just from your personal safety standpoint. It can't be easy working on other things with the constant threat of having to possibly sleep in your car (especially in winter in Ohio!). I think you two need to define a long term plan that you can both live with that doesn't risk your personal safety.


Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2013
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