At first, he was going to take the next flight out and come to talk to me there (OW was a coworker and I wanted him away from her). But he kept telling me I had to accept that he would have to bring work with him. The third time he said it, I told him come out to save the M or don't come at all.
He booked a flight a week out so he could take care of things at work and not make his boss suspicious (uh huh).
Then we started talking about how we would live under one roof with one bedroom, if I came home. I refused to sleep in the bed (he brought OW there while I was gone). He said he was afraid he was going to end up sleeping on his office floor if it turned out MC was unsuccessful.
So then he started saying that I needed to get a sublet. He said he didn't want to resign our lease, and he wanted to get his "own" place without having to worry about me liking it or it being pet friendly.
After I found out he slept with OW one last time after he told me he had NCed her, I considered it a dealbreaker (I made my expectations really, really clear after DDay1). That was it.
He cancelled his flight to come out to me. He packed up all of my things (well, almost all of them) and shipped them to my parents' house. That's where I stayed until I got a position house sitting and then managed to get a job that will relocate me to a city that is geographically pretty much as far away from XWS as one can get without falling into the ocean.
[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 12:40 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]
If you want to be in your house, ask him if he would kindly leave to allow you space. He's going to be afraid to leave . Reassure him that it's temporary even if you are not sure. I don't generally advocate lying, except in certain cases, which include protecting ourselves and caring for ourselves after this type of trauma! They lied to protect themselves. Two wrongs don't make a right, and self care is paramount!
If you want to get your own sublet, it might possible to get something pretty and furnished so you only have to take personal belongings, more like a trip than a move.
I went berserk when I found out. Picked up a razor blade. Texted Ws that I had it and planned to use it. Planned on shredding his mattress. A friend on phone offered me rational options. I threw his very nice wardrobe on back lawn, turned on hose to make mud, and then stuck a spade through as much as I could and stomped on the muddy clothing.
Later he had the audacity to complain about the dry cleaning bill. Wow. He takes almost five years from me, then im the bad one creating a dry cleaning bill.
Anyway go where is right FOR YOU. Later decide if you wish to compromise with him. You first now all the way!
One day at a time....
When he admitted it was a PA I sat on the bed and cried while he went back to work.
Married 27 years. Together 29.
3 children 24, 21, 14
OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.
I had fantasies about going into his office and trashing it. I would have at least poured something on the mattress to ruin it.
And my guess is his clothes would have ended up in a tree.
Being very, very careful
D-day 14 June 2013
I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!
Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.
He stays out of the house, if you can afford being there by yourself for a couple of months.
Before he sets foot in that house again, he goes to counseling. PERIOD. For 6 months at least!!! Sure he wants to come back home, my spouse tried that, too. But I told him not until he got ALOT of help, that this could not be rugswept. He had to work on his shit before I would even talk to him!!! I told him I deserved everything. I wanted a REAL marriage and him moving back in wasn't going to fix anything --- if it even could be fixed.
Please please please read the first 2 chapters of Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. He says you absolutely MUST make this a HUGE blowout,, not a small leak,,, if your marriage is going to work/or not work. The WS is like a teenager who got caught with drugs,,, they promise everything not to do it again, blah blah blah. But until they do the heavy lifting of working on themselves, they'll do it again.
You owe your WS NOTHING at this point. You provide yourself a safe place --- your home--- where you can heal, and think. This is what I did for myself and my children. 2 years ago. I am NOT sorry at all. And I have to say, before I read the first 2 chapters of Dr. Dobson's book, I was a pushover, people pleasing, sweetheart. But I was getting run over and the line of respect was being crossed over and over in our marriage while I smiled and tried to be "nice".
BTW XH "appeared" at some marriage counseling and lied, blaming me for everything. So, in the long run he didn't think 6 months of marriage counseling was worth doing for the sake of us? Well, thank God I moved on.
It has taken me 2 years to get my mind somewhat back to what it was.....
I came home for a brief time and told my wife that I was going to drive to Texas and shoot the OM. I really meant it, had he been more accessible I'd me in jail now for murder. The OM is too chicken-shit to face me like a man. He's a 39 year old sissy-boy.
After that I went to a sports bar and drank for the remainder of the night.
The next day was Thanksgiving (ain't that great?). I had a hangover and no sleep.
Soon I started meditating heavily, seeing counselors, a Reiki practitioner, and majorly started taking my life back and then some. I've met so many new friends. I'm dressing better, exercising, playing the piano again.
It's been a bit over a month now and I'm much better. You will be too. Just make sure (as we all say) that you take care of yourself first and frankly if that comes at your WS expense, all the better in my book.
I'm free, and frankly don't give two shits what my WS thinks when I go out for coffee or to get a beer (yes, just one or two) at my local watering hole. The cheater thinks I'm prone to start my own affair, and that may be true given what she did. But I didn't break the trust, she did.
Cheaters are weak cowards to me who've lost their minds and reasoning.
Finally in R with help from MC and IC
Went home and we slept in separate rooms. Found out later when I was on call that there had been a PA.
Neither of us left although I packed a bag once and was on my way out to a hotel when FWS stopped me and agreed to read a book is asked her to read. I kept a suitcase packed for three months sitting at the door in case she pulled more shit.
I'm only about 3-1/2 months from d-day, but at this point we are working towards R. So we are living in the house together, in the same bedroom. That may change, since at this point I do not yet have his timeline and full disclosure.
As other posters have said, you should do whatever is most comfortable for you. If you want him to leave, tell him so. If you have friends or family nearby that you can stay with, you might want to do that.
If you want to give R a chance, you might want to stay in your home together, but perhaps in separate rooms.
There's no right answer here.
The full story came out over 30 hours, neither of us slept - I wanted him out but he begged to stay under any rules I wanted. He is in a spare room, extremely remorseful and wants to make it up to me. He did a no contact letter, after a lot of thought I told OBS but haven't told anyone else until I'm clear about what I want.
Most of the time I can't bear to look at him, but I'm taking advice given on SI and biding my time. I haven't a clue how things will work out but I'll never trust him again as long as I live.