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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: literally - where did you go after you found out??
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told me on Skype when I was across the country visiting my folks.

At first, he was going to take the next flight out and come to talk to me there (OW was a coworker and I wanted him away from her). But he kept telling me I had to accept that he would have to bring work with him. The third time he said it, I told him come out to save the M or don't come at all.

He booked a flight a week out so he could take care of things at work and not make his boss suspicious (uh huh).

Then we started talking about how we would live under one roof with one bedroom, if I came home. I refused to sleep in the bed (he brought OW there while I was gone). He said he was afraid he was going to end up sleeping on his office floor if it turned out MC was unsuccessful.

So then he started saying that I needed to get a sublet. He said he didn't want to resign our lease, and he wanted to get his "own" place without having to worry about me liking it or it being pet friendly.

After I found out he slept with OW one last time after he told me he had NCed her, I considered it a dealbreaker (I made my expectations really, really clear after DDay1). That was it.

He cancelled his flight to come out to me. He packed up all of my things (well, almost all of them) and shipped them to my parents' house. That's where I stayed until I got a position house sitting and then managed to get a job that will relocate me to a city that is geographically pretty much as far away from XWS as one can get without falling into the ocean.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 12:40 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 1:08 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go or stay where YOU feel safe and supported.

If you want to be in your house, ask him if he would kindly leave to allow you space. He's going to be afraid to leave . Reassure him that it's temporary even if you are not sure. I don't generally advocate lying, except in certain cases, which include protecting ourselves and caring for ourselves after this type of trauma! They lied to protect themselves. Two wrongs don't make a right, and self care is paramount!

If you want to get your own sublet, it might possible to get something pretty and furnished so you only have to take personal belongings, more like a trip than a move.

I went berserk when I found out. Picked up a razor blade. Texted Ws that I had it and planned to use it. Planned on shredding his mattress. A friend on phone offered me rational options. I threw his very nice wardrobe on back lawn, turned on hose to make mud, and then stuck a spade through as much as I could and stomped on the muddy clothing.

Later he had the audacity to complain about the dry cleaning bill. Wow. He takes almost five years from me, then im the bad one creating a dry cleaning bill.

Anyway go where is right FOR YOU. Later decide if you wish to compromise with him. You first now all the way!

Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Left home, job, whole life behind and difficult** adjusting. Dog injured and too much to handle. Supremely bummed out.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
♀ Member
Member # 38716
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's a blur - but I know I was in the bathroom sobbing for a long, long time. Hours.

BW, 31, two young kids

One day at a time....

Posts: 58 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ Member
Member # 41759
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to do what is most comfortable for you. This is a time for you to be selfish and put your needs first.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013
million tears
♀ Member
Member # 24416
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On D-day we were on our way to our son's basketball game so I had to sit through the whole game trying not to sob.

When he admitted it was a PA I sat on the bed and cried while he went back to work.

2 year LTA-double betrayal, D-day 1-26-2009 and many months of TT. 2 more recent d-days-way overstepped boundaries.

Married 27 years. Together 29.

3 children 24, 21, 14

OW sex addict and romance addict according to MC.

Posts: 1664 | Registered: Jun 2009
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I had found out at home? There would have been property damage for sure.

I had fantasies about going into his office and trashing it. I would have at least poured something on the mattress to ruin it.

And my guess is his clothes would have ended up in a tree.

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was at home and texted him 3 times 30 minutes apart to ask what the password to the phone account was (he had changed it). He called after the 3rd text and told me he would not give it to me. I blew up and after a few minutes he said I would find numbers of someone he was "talking" to way too much. After much badgering he finally admitted he was having an affair but "it was over a long time ago".
I hung up, called his dad, called his mother, told all of our children. I grabbed the shotgun we keep by the door for wild dogs and coyotes (we lived way out) and went outside to blow many holes in his convertible......but, something smarter than me at the time made me stop.
His mother was the one who suggested we go away together and try to decide what we were going to do. He came home, we packed bags and went for a 4 day drive. Looking back, it was what was best and he told me everything I wanted to least I thought at the time. The TT and everything that came later and moreso the secrets, omissions and blatent violent/resentful refusal to a poly he has now are what's ruining our R.
Too bad, even our MC thinks we should make it through this.

Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore...or does it...

Being very, very careful

D-day 14 June 2013

I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!

Posts: 169 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
♀ Member
Member # 41303
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out while checking his phone for the TIME! There was a text on it from the OW! He tried to deny it then told me the truth while I was in the laundry room of our summer home.... we were there at the time. I don't know how I made it up the stairs to our other level but I do remember we were in the kitchen and I literally beat the living hell out of him(not something Im proud of now). I was in a total blur, I got in my truck drove down the road to a remote place and cried for a very long time..... I even called his mother but don't remember?


Life is not measured by the breaths we take
but by the moments that take our breath away.

Posts: 222 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: canada
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In house separation (he went to the spare bedroom). We stayed like that for months while sorting through financial paperwork for D. It was hell. But somehow you get through it. And financially it made sense.

Posts: 504 | Registered: Jun 2012
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stayed in the same chair I was sitting in when I found out,drank until the beer was gone. Then I poured myself a beer mug of tequila and stumbled upstairs to our bed. When I kept drinking even though I was laying on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet,H came in with a pillow and blanket and laid beside me. It never occurred to me to leave. It was my home and my bed and my safe place. That was one sucky time.

Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery) all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the first few minutes after finding out...I went in the shower. I remember that. I remember collapsing on the kitchen floor where he found me sobbing and in shock. The most horrific moment of my life. I stayed and he refused to leave. I was 3000 miles away from anyone I knew. He was all I knew there. My son was back east for Easter vacation visiting his dad. I don't know how I got through those first few weeks.

FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)

Posts: 553 | Registered: Apr 2009
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed with us in separate rooms - at times I think I should have made him move out but then I actually really needed answers to questions and on the plus side he saw exactly how much pain he caused and had to face it full someone else said do what your instinct tells you particularly as you have no kids - my son asks a lot for his dad so it was also a consideration for me...

Posts: 260 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is what I recommend for you:

He stays out of the house, if you can afford being there by yourself for a couple of months.

Before he sets foot in that house again, he goes to counseling. PERIOD. For 6 months at least!!! Sure he wants to come back home, my spouse tried that, too. But I told him not until he got ALOT of help, that this could not be rugswept. He had to work on his shit before I would even talk to him!!! I told him I deserved everything. I wanted a REAL marriage and him moving back in wasn't going to fix anything --- if it even could be fixed.

Please please please read the first 2 chapters of Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. He says you absolutely MUST make this a HUGE blowout,, not a small leak,,, if your marriage is going to work/or not work. The WS is like a teenager who got caught with drugs,,, they promise everything not to do it again, blah blah blah. But until they do the heavy lifting of working on themselves, they'll do it again.

You owe your WS NOTHING at this point. You provide yourself a safe place --- your home--- where you can heal, and think. This is what I did for myself and my children. 2 years ago. I am NOT sorry at all. And I have to say, before I read the first 2 chapters of Dr. Dobson's book, I was a pushover, people pleasing, sweetheart. But I was getting run over and the line of respect was being crossed over and over in our marriage while I smiled and tried to be "nice".

BTW XH "appeared" at some marriage counseling and lied, blaming me for everything. So, in the long run he didn't think 6 months of marriage counseling was worth doing for the sake of us? Well, thank God I moved on.

Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2320 | Registered: Jan 2012
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 1:55 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed in the shower until the water ran out. Over and over and over.

It has taken me 2 years to get my mind somewhat back to what it was.....

Keep Calm and Happy On!

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2320 | Registered: Jan 2012
♂ New Member
Member # 41572
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I found out I lost vision for a few seconds and started to wretch as if I were going to throw up and then started crying uncontrollably. I took the baseball bat and went and hit some baseballs and couldn't stop crying.

I came home for a brief time and told my wife that I was going to drive to Texas and shoot the OM. I really meant it, had he been more accessible I'd me in jail now for murder. The OM is too chicken-shit to face me like a man. He's a 39 year old sissy-boy.

After that I went to a sports bar and drank for the remainder of the night.

The next day was Thanksgiving (ain't that great?). I had a hangover and no sleep.

Soon I started meditating heavily, seeing counselors, a Reiki practitioner, and majorly started taking my life back and then some. I've met so many new friends. I'm dressing better, exercising, playing the piano again.

It's been a bit over a month now and I'm much better. You will be too. Just make sure (as we all say) that you take care of yourself first and frankly if that comes at your WS expense, all the better in my book.

I'm free, and frankly don't give two shits what my WS thinks when I go out for coffee or to get a beer (yes, just one or two) at my local watering hole. The cheater thinks I'm prone to start my own affair, and that may be true given what she did. But I didn't break the trust, she did.

Cheaters are weak cowards to me who've lost their minds and reasoning.

Me (BS) 42
Her (WS) 41
DD #1 October 31, 2013 She admits to on-line emotional affair.
DD #2 November 27, 2013 She admits to sexual affair the previous weekend.
Married 17 years, together for 23 years-2DDs
OM - Married coward with children

Posts: 48 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Denver, CO
♀ Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thankfully I bought my house before we were married so he had no claim on it. He was going out on an oil rig for two weeks when he asked me over the phone for a divorce. In those two weeks, I packed up his shit. He came and picked it up in late February 2013 and moved to Austin. Well, he claims to live in Austin but actually lives in Florida with the OW since she moved out and divorced her husband.

BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
♀ Member
Member # 38113
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out at night. I had read a text on his phone a week before but thought it was one of his guy friends just joking around. Then it started to bother me so I went back to his phone and got the #. I had my grown daughters bf call it and it was in fact a woman. He had her listed as John in the contacts.
This was not the first rodeo for me as we had discussed 2 months before how he wasn't sure he was in love with me. I'm not dumb so of course I had my doubts all along. Buy we had started R without counseling on that first discussion and he stopped seeing her. I think he thought she would disappear and I would never find out.
Back to d-day... It was late and he was getting my 8 year old to bed when I found out so I text him and said "come outside on the back porch when you are done" he came out and had no idea what was going on but I started questioning him until he finally said "I fucked up" we talked for about 4 hours.
He called her the next morning and ended it. My only regret is that I wasn't on the phone with him because she kept calling I found out later. Months later. Another devastation. In the end, I wish I would have kicked him out the first night.
I wasn't leaving!! I didn't do anything wrong!!!

D-day 11/06/12

Finally in R with help from MC and IC

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Florida
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found out when OW sent a sext (people are so dumb). Confronted immediately. Got the ILYBINILWY speech. Left and went to BFF's house for two hours (she wasn't there... Was out of town).

Went home and we slept in separate rooms. Found out later when I was on call that there had been a PA.

Neither of us left although I packed a bag once and was on my way out to a hotel when FWS stopped me and agreed to read a book is asked her to read. I kept a suitcase packed for three months sitting at the door in case she pulled more shit.

Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2295 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
♀ Member
Member # 41404
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO, it depends on where you are heading long-term.

I'm only about 3-1/2 months from d-day, but at this point we are working towards R. So we are living in the house together, in the same bedroom. That may change, since at this point I do not yet have his timeline and full disclosure.

As other posters have said, you should do whatever is most comfortable for you. If you want him to leave, tell him so. If you have friends or family nearby that you can stay with, you might want to do that.

If you want to give R a chance, you might want to stay in your home together, but perhaps in separate rooms.

There's no right answer here.

BW 55
WH 59
M 30 yrs, together 33 yrs, no children.
D-Day #1: 9/23/2013, EA 15+ months, PA with 34 YO business assoc
D-Day #2: 11/27/2013, OW, EA for 2-3 yrs (2005-2007), PA
D-Day #3: 6/6/2014, found the sex video
Status: Putting on my bitch bo

Posts: 122 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Washington DC
♀ Member
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never felt pain like it in my life - didn't have a clue (yet always thought I was so worldly wise).

The full story came out over 30 hours, neither of us slept - I wanted him out but he begged to stay under any rules I wanted. He is in a spare room, extremely remorseful and wants to make it up to me. He did a no contact letter, after a lot of thought I told OBS but haven't told anyone else until I'm clear about what I want.

Most of the time I can't bear to look at him, but I'm taking advice given on SI and biding my time. I haven't a clue how things will work out but I'll never trust him again as long as I live.

Posts: 127 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
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