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User Topic: breaking my "diet"
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so... I've been trying to fix my broken self over the past year, as well as other things. from no longer looking at porn, getting rid of bad friend's, to making sure people(friends & family) don't support me and think "poor nogoodap1" no it's "poor TrulySad".

so anyways, I find myself messing up hurting her then saying I won't do it again. we make up then I mess up again, ect,. and every time she gets closer to her breaking point. well, I did it again.

This new year's I couldn't make it 5 min. I was looking at some chick at a new year's party we were at that was a neighbors house on another street. Now we both have an understanding of what looking at someone and checking them out is. And I was not checking her out but I kept looking at her. and she kept looking back this happened all night long. And to top it off the chick lives 2 houses down from us. I know better than this... I shouldn't have been looking, period.

Shes been saying she's done and I believe her. and this kills me. while I have come far from bringing thoughts into my head when I look at a woman. but I still look. and worse they both know I looked(my G/F and the chick at the party. so that gave this chick power over my G/F. that she can turn my head.

so I keep telling her I'm gonna change, I'll do better, and it wont happen again. She will not believe me and for good damn reason. I've lied to her and said it all before. In one of our many talks about it she told me I knew better well before and know better now why would it be any different. I told her it's like a diet I keep trying and then cave, trying then cave again. I just don't understand why I keep looking. I don't want to. I know it hurts her but when I do it I'm not thinking of that. because I know I'm not desiring these women. HOW CAN I STOP?!?!?!?!

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 6:00 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 112 | Registered: Mar 2013
Tickingtock
♀ Member
Member # 41411
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no advice but just want to tell you that you've been heard.


Me: 31, exBGF, now married

Posts: 157 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I want to get to the bottom of this. It's killing her.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 112 | Registered: Mar 2013
isadora
♀ Member
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you in IC? It sounds like you are trying to "white knuckle" it. IMO its a recipe for failure. Why do you think you keep looking, start there and keep digging.


Me: BW Him: WH
Married: 10 yrs
4 children: DDs 6&4; DSs 2& baby
2 Affairs - 2010 year long PA/EA, 2008 2 month online EA
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.


Posts: 4506 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I'm not in IC. I want to be but she doesn't think it'll help. Plus I can't afford it. So I have to use any resources I can and well here I am. She says it's who I am and I can't change that part of me. And if I can how can i? There's gotta be someone here who's battled the same fight and won.

See I've wanted to look at these women for as long as I can remember. So how do I get rid of something so rooted? I know my thoughts we mainly "she looks like she should be on jersey shore" and why does she keep looking at me? But I kept looking back at her.....


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 112 | Registered: Mar 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just don't understand why I keep looking. I don't want to.

Really? Because without any internal or external motivation to do something people don't want to, they don't.

It sounds like you are trying to "white knuckle" it

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This is spot on^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 383 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 6:34 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you all elaborate on "white knuckle"? I'm thinking it's "do and hope I don't fail".

The best I can relate it to. Is like walking on a side walk. And you notice poo on the grass next to the sidewalk. Not one person is gonna want to look at poo. But you do as you pass and you don't know why. You arnt gonna step on it as long as you don't go off the sidewalk. So why concern yourself with it.

Now with that being said. I'm not trying to down play this situation. But I care about as much as looking at poo on the ground as looking at these women. I just can't find deep in me why I do.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 112 | Registered: Mar 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you all elaborate on "white knuckle"? I'm thinking it's "do and hope I don't fail".

Have you ever held onto something so tightly your knuckles turned white?

Being an addict, in recovery, I can relate the phrase to drugs.
Wanting to use so badly it consumes your everything.
You can't stop thinking about it. But don't want to do it.
You obsess about it.
You're sick with the feeling of desperately wanting to use and desperately wanting not to use at the same time.
You hang on tight until the feeling passes.

It's not a pleasant feeling.

It had nothing to do with looking at poop. I have looked at poop on the sidewalk before, and I have "white knuckled" it before.
There is nothing alike about feeling silly for looking at a pile of poop, and trying so hard not to do something you desperately want to but don't want to at the same time.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I got it.

I've trained myself to look at certain "key areas" on women. So while I'm around a woman I tend to not keep my eyes to myself. While to a point I "want" to look but it's strange knowing that the original thought process is no longer there. So how can the "want" still be there? I can look at an ass in some jeans, it's no longer followed with interjecting thoughts of fantacy and wonder. Just why did I look at that. I didn't get anything from it... Or is it because I put a stop to the glance before the thoughts could arise?

I'm so confused. I want to fix me but don't know what the truth is anymore about anything. It's always filled with second guessing myself and contradictions when I try to analyze myself.

It's like I need to ask/be asked the right questions to unlock whats the truth. Because I don't even know it.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 112 | Registered: Mar 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. We're men.

One look is an appreciation of the beauty of the female form.No harm, no foul.

And I was not checking her out but I kept looking at her. and she kept looking back this happened all night long.

This is subtle flirting.

More work needed I think. IC perhaps.
Not just, suck it up, I can overcome this.(white knuckling)

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 8:41 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 383 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But that's just it. It was harmful to my girlfriend. And our relationship. And it absolutely was subtle flirting. I admit that. But my thoughts were not of flirting. Although she has not one damn clue what I was thinking. So I'm sure she was getting her ego fed and thinking that I wanted her. She kept looking at me most likely because I was an easy prey for her ego boosting.

A thing I've learned from my girlfriend is that some women actually want the attention from guys and will dress and do make up to do so. And make a checklist in their head to see how many guys they can get to look their way. And I have given this woman who lives two houses down one up on my girlfriend. Even tho my mindset was probably not on the same page.

And to use the excuse of we are men. Is an excuse widely used to cover us up to do wrong by the women in our lives. It should also be suited to our affairs that hurt the women we are with. That we are genetically made to procreate as much and as often as possible. We are civilized beings. Not dogs.

I want to do IC but as I stated before I can't afford it.

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 9:03 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 112 | Registered: Mar 2013
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"But my thoughts were not of flirting. Although she has not one damn clue what I was thinking. So I'm sure she was getting her ego fed and thinking that I wanted her. She kept looking at me most likely because I was an easy prey for her ego boosting."

This is blaming her (the girl at the party) and anything else you can grasp at instead of taking full responsibility. Regardless if you admit or not its subtil flirting you're still not owning it 100%.

The two of you, looking back and forth at each other all night is completely rude and disgusting. Come on. You should have turned your back towards her and engage with your GF or left.

This is why you are where you're at in your relationship. Own your shit.

[This message edited by stilllovinghim at 9:04 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The times when we would look at each other were times often unavoidable. Unless I looked at the ground the whole time. As me and my girlfriend would be moving around the house as well as the other chick in the house. So it was impossible to know where she was. So "turn this corner, look for someone we want to talk to... Shit I looked at her and she was looking at me" or looking at a friend and he moves and she was behind him in the distance and bam! She was looking my way and I looked back. Or when I was talking in a group around a kitchen island and she was again in the distance of the guy I was talking to and I didn't look at her but could see her constantly looking my way. All while trying to act like I didn't notice.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 112 | Registered: Mar 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ This totally sounds like flirting.
Especially
All while trying to act like I didn't notice.


You had an awareness of her. Wherever she was. And she knew it. So did your GF.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1130 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And to use the excuse of we are men. Is an excuse widely used to cover us up to do wrong by the women in our lives. It should also be suited to our affairs that hurt the women we are with. That we are genetically made to procreate as much and as often as possible. We are civilized beings. Not dogs.

Whoa, chill brother.

You have missed the point. "One look".

Is this better.

"Ok. We're human.

One look is an appreciation of the beauty of the human form. No harm, no foul."

Is this defensiveness/redirection because "subtle flirting" pushed a button?

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 9:49 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 383 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So how do I cope with this. What happens next time I feel someone is looking at me. And I feel uncomfortable. Grab her and say we are out of here because I am uncomfortable that this chick keeps looking at me. Then guess what happens. "Why the hell were you noticing her looking at you nogoodap1?"

Then thats bringing attention to something I'm trying to deal with on my own so she has a good night. But my girlfriend is incredibly smart and in tune with everything. She's truly an incredible woman. And notices as well.

While I looked at this chick. I couldn't tell you one single thing other than her straight black hair "jersey shore look". I Don't know what her face looked like, Her body, Her tits, her ass. None of it. So if I was intentionally flirting with her I would remember these things I think. So where is my mind in all this!?!?! I'm not being defensive. And you are right I'm blaming her. And I shouldn't because I should worried about what I'm doing not some chick at a party.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 112 | Registered: Mar 2013
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dear god I've had a guy catch my eye before and the immediate frown, shake of my head, roll of my eyes or back being turnt on them is enough for them to recognize I want NOTHING to do with them. Youre definitely whie knuckling and that comes from being the same and forcing different behaviors instead of fixing what makes us act the way we do so the change in attitude is natural and not forced.

Also the whole women wear makeup and dress up for the ego boost and attention of men? Yes a lot do that doesn't mean you have to reinforce it and many do it for the ego boost of looking in the mirror and feeling their best. You have a few disclaimers here the dressing up, the it wasn't intentional and the I couldnt help it unless I looked at the floor are all excuses. You looked at another woman all night while in a relationship with someone else. Now stop and start figuring out why.

[This message edited by Unagie at 9:55 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2700 | Registered: Oct 2012
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 10:05 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slow,
No it wasn't meant with what was said about the flirting. I agree with it.

But every time I ask the question about why do I look at women and why can't I stop. I'm met with the response " you are a guy it's normal" I throw the BS flag down. That's an excuse much like the excuses some people make to justify their affairs when they have them. Then once they come clean and try to fix their relationship they realize the excuses are BS.

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 10:10 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 112 | Registered: Mar 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 10:12 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then guess what happens. "Why the hell were you noticing her looking at you nogoodap1?"

You know this for a fact?

But my girlfriend is incredibly smart and in tune with everything. She's truly an incredible woman. And notices as well.

Is it possible she would say-
"Thanks sweety, for maintaining your boundaries."

Maybe she is pissed with you because you did not bring it up at the time and just buried your head in the sand hoping she wouldn't notice.

Perhaps you should ask her.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 383 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm met with the response " you are a guy it's normal" I throw the BS flag down. That's an excuse much like the excuses some people make to justify their affairs when they have them.

Couldn't agree with you more.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 383 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
Topic Posts: 36
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