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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: breaking my "diet"
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 10:36 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unagie,
I so want to find the "leak" within me and fix it. So badly because I hate myself for what I've caused and can't stop doing. I do want to stop badly. I don't wake up and think about hurting her. I want to always see her smiling. I find it easier when I'm in a surrounding I know rather than a place I don't. But just as you all have stated that's "white knuckling" because it's forcing myself to stop rather than just doing it naturally.

I just want people's theories on what either they have dealt with concerning the subject or what they think could be the root of it. So I have more ideas to bash around in my head. Maybe it's one thing or twelve. Anything is greatly appreciated.

Slow,
In order for me to notice someone is looking at me is well notice someone is looking at me. Which is usually more than the one glance you are referring to. Which I do 97% of the time. I just want to fix the last 3% of me.

But she doesn't want me to look period and has a hard time believing Even if I look once. It was just me thinking girl and nothing more.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want people's theories on what either they have dealt with concerning the subject or what they think could be the root of it. So I have more ideas to bash around in my head. Maybe it's one thing or twelve. Anything is greatly appreciated.

IC will help. IMO bashing this around in your head alone will not get you there. I mean it was your head that got you here, right?


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 10:55 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

True it has been my head that has put me here in the first place. But I don't have hundreds lying around to see an IC. I could maybe afford one or two sessions. But that's it. And two hours of talking to someone isn't gonna help.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Not even once"

Is it

Looking because an attractive person came in your field of view and you think 'Mmmm, she's easy on the eyes, moving on now.'

or is it

Scanning the room looking for attractive people and you think 'Mmmm, she's easy on the eyes, moving on to the next one now.'

Each scenario is only 'once'.

Both are vastly different. One's being human, the other one is more than that. It's 'I'm single and looking'.

Could be a topic of discussion with your BGF.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 11:15 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS so my mindset is a lot different from yours. I took a couple of minutes to put myself into your shoes (as me) and 'imagine' how it would have played out. Here's what it looked like:

First eye contact moment: Wow. That guy looks like Jersey Shore. (the 'notice' that SlowUptake referred to).

To my partner: Where's the bar?

Second eye contact moment. "Hey there's that guy again." But. I realize that I just walked into a room or a barrier-person just moved. I don't assume that he *wants* me. Movement draws attention. Something changed -- the people who are already there look to see what changed -- then I 'carry on' with trying to find the damn drinks. I don't assume that he *wants* me.

Third and subsequent eye contacts: "Why does that guy keep fucking staring at me??!!??"

Can you see the difference between *my* mindset and *yours*?
You are getting a *payoff* from this behavior. And what you are *getting* from it is hurting your SO and could cost you the relationship.

As far as the IC goes....where there is a will, there is a way. There are many free community resources and sliding scales IC's.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7706 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh it's definitely been the topic already. She said I was single that night.

But as far as looking most of the time I ignore everyone around me because I couldn't care. But if someone does cross my field of view I turn away quickly and don't register what I see. But in the off chance I do register it's usually she was cute, don't look back. And I don't scan a room looking for targets anymore. That's too noticeable so I've stopped that because I got in trouble a lot with that.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So if you've ignored and turned away before, what made it different this time?


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2641 | Registered: Oct 2012
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, January 4th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But if someone does cross my field of view I turn away quickly and don't register what I see.
Aha!
If appreciating the beauty of the human form is not natural or normal. Why is there so much great art devoted to it?

Don't turn away, appreciate it for a split second then move on.
I think you may find that the urge to scan or flirt by looking, will disapate.
Of course discuss this with your BGF to make sure she is comfortable with this possible solution.
My BS and I discussed it, she was Ok about it and it worked for me.

ETA: There is a huge difference between appreciation and lusting. Be careful.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 11:54 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gonnabe,
I was getting uncomfortable with her looking at me I wasn't liking it. And I wasn't assuming she wanted me. I think she was liking the attention I was giving her.

So if you've ignored and turned away before, what made it different this time?

We were in a house not a bar. We would be talking in a circle so turning my head to talk to various people put my eye sight past her. To include talking to a friend who put her directly behind him to where I could see her looking at me. I don't go out to bars or what have you often. So usually its me getting milk and egg's from the store, or at work and its in passing and I'll never see these people after that (like passing a car on the other side of the road). So if I do look which is rare I stop myself before anything could happen and then they are gone so no worries.

slow,
We have talked about it and she get pissed when I stop for a split second when I notice someone. so that's not something shes ok with.

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 12:13 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
SlowUptake
♂ Member
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have talked about it and she get pissed when I stop for a split second when I notice someone. so that's not something shes ok with.

You're in an almost impossible situation.
You're being blamed for a normal involuntary reaction to external stimuli.
Your solution so far is to avoid the stimuli. That is simply creating an urge to go beyond the involuntary reaction.

In deference to your BGF feelings, did she have this outlook before you cheated?
ETA:Don't worry about answering my question, just read your BGF's profile, I understand.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 12:49 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 367 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes she felt this way before we even dated.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
Teach8
♀ Member
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW Here. I just reread this whole thread and something in your first post struck me. Its was something about friends and family treating you like "Poor Nogoodap1". It struck me because part of the issues my wh faces is having never had real consequences for his actions. I think he he always felt like he could get away with things and people would always bail him out. I think sometimes it creates a sense of entitlement.

Honestly, I'm only speaking from my own experience but if your family is saying "poor you" in regards to wayward actions then maybe that message is coming through loud and clear to you. Maybe deep down you still feel entitled to look, exhange flirtatious glances. I'm only guessing here...not sure this is the case. But it seems that a lot of wayward behavior comes from a sense of entitlement. And obviously ego stroking. Again, just trying to get you thinking about why you exchanged glaces with this woman with your BG right there. Not that it is ok anytime.

If your internal dialogue is true, and you were doing something you knew was wrong, and you don't have an addiction, then you would have stopped. There must have been just a little something you were enjoying about it? Again, just exploring...not accusing.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 492 | Registered: Aug 2012
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then thats bringing attention to something I'm trying to deal with on my own

This is what its all about!!!

This is from a post I will bump:

dysfunctional intimacy - Thinks things through in private; feelings unshared so no one knows decision process; internal dialogues unshared

I would bet a years salary that if you had shared the details of every interaction you had with your AP, as they were happening, with your BGF, you never would have had an A.

Our secrets grow in the dark but die in the light of exposure.

The lack of intimacy, the walls, the secrets, the "dealing on my own", is what makes A possible.

She knows you have a weakness. Keeping things to yourself does not protect her from it. Work together to overcome it.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2527 | Registered: Aug 2012
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You stated that you can not afford IC. Would you consider a SA 12-step group? Some of what you stated in your posts makes me think you might benefit from that very much.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Prayingforhope
♂ Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

nogoodap1, I'll repeat what's already been said because it has helped me dramatically - IC will help in this area. You'd be amazed at how irrelevant some things become (like flirting) when you start to deal with yourself on an emotional level with a therapist.

I'm hearing you on the budget issue and for that I have two solutions, both that work great for me. First, most therapists I know offer a MUCH lower price point for people that need financial assistance. All you need to do is ask, because in the end, therapists are healers and they WANT to help you..the best ones will make it work.

Second, go see the clergy. I'm NOT overly religious, but through the my own healing process I spend a lot of time with my priest. I'm not kidding you, but there are week's when I think he helps me more than the IC...and I guess you know he works for free!

Hang in there, but the answers are all inside your brain...you just need a little help to navigate.


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 260 | Registered: Dec 2013
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 10:25 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Teach8,
A lot of people on here to include her are saying that I got a rush from it. Or some form of validation. If that's the case why cant I feel it? Why don't I remember it? I don't feel as though I was feeling good about her looking at me. It made me uncomfortable. I can understand the entitlement part I am self absorbed to a point(here come the 2x4's). But to the point where I would do something like this in front of her knowing it would hurt her.... not so much.

Chico,
I know I should talk but I'm afraid of opening up for fear of hurting her. Or it lead to an argument because we simply cannot talk it out. and you are right I would bet a decade's pay that I wouldn't have cheated if I told her what was happening while it was happening.

Samantha,
while I've thought about a SA 12 step I feel the group would be geared more towards something that isn't suited for me. While I feel as though it may be an addiction but not the same type that they would be dealing with there. While I was addicted to porn I have been clean for several months and have no plans to go back. It's not even a struggle. who knows I could be wrong. Not saying it's not an option. I feel as tho it would be like me attending a AA meeting and I have an addiction with mouth fresheners.

Praying,
I looked at a list of counselors in my area. I'll do more research and go from there and see if I like any of them. Just kinda hard to tell if they are crappy or not or stand for what I believe in as far as where I want to be.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF (Trulysad)
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day#1 2-18-13
D-day#2 6-13-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 36
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