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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Facebook is trouble
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just spent a week in Orlando with my BS and my kids, (I am not currently living at home) had a great time and things went great between my BS and I.

We left yesterday and she was looking at Facebook on my phone and noticed that someone my AP was friends with "liked" a photo I had posted of my wife and I while on the trip. She got very angry and said now she can see this! Why do you still have him as a friend? I profusely apologized and said I must have missed him when deleting all those people. She said you're just doing it cause you got caught.

Honestly, it wasn't intentional. I really thought I had cleaned up all that stuff. I have expressed I am an open book.

It just sucks because I feel like it just washed away all the progress we made this week. Her wall is back up and I am trying hard not to be pissed off. I know this is my fault for not triple checking, maybe I am just Mad at myself.

I need some help to get out of my own head.


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are you still on Facebook? A lot of us waywards delete all social media accounts. Anyone who should be in your life you should trust to give your number to.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Oct 2012
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facebook is not the problem here. You can not blame anything/anyone here.

You may want to consider deleting all social media in effort to help your wife feel safe.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have deleted the account but she wanted me to keep it. I doesn't matter to me whether I have it or not


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While I believe that it was an honest mistake on your part, I also think you should delete fb...i offered to get rid of fb many times but my bh reperatedly said I didn't have to...however he was extremely relieved when I finally closed my account. ...especially since fb was my main way to comunicate with my XAP.

Anyone that really wants to stay in touch with you will still be able to


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetness and light. Magic fairy dust.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:24 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BH here and I agree with deleting fb. Do not tell her it is to avoid being accused of things you did not do. That kind of statement will come across as defensive and invalidating her pain. Worst-case scenario she'll suspect you of being "up to something" if she feels you're being defensive.

You're deleting fb because no benefit of having it will ever outweigh the pain it can cause her. Period.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3794 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
lostmylight55
♂ Member
Member # 33517
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daisy1967,
Did you ever consider that nevergiveup10's BS triggered and her response is normal under the circumstances.

My AP started working her way into our group through mutual friends and began pursuing a friendship with my BS. I am so very ashamed I did not have the backbone to tell her to back off. This was one of the things that hurt her the most, that I didn't protect her from this woman. I have come to understand why I did nothing and have grown as a result, but it is very deep wound for my BS.

nevergiveup, you wrote this in one of your older threads. It's obvious why your BS is upset.

Her wall is back up and I am trying hard not to be pissed off.

You should be careful about this kind of thinking. If you are mad at yourself, acknowledge that you are mad at yourself for bringing this original problem into your relationship and deal with that. Try not get defensive over the FB issue.

[This message edited by lostmylight55 at 8:48 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]


My Boundaries are firm: Trespassers will be shot on sight.

Posts: 89 | Registered: Oct 2011
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deleting it is a safe option. If your BW doesnt want you to delete it, why not ask her to sit down with you and go over contacts together and remove anyone that does not make her feel safe. Work together.


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2583 | Registered: Aug 2012
unfound
♀ Member
Member # 12802
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She may want you to keep the account so she can gather information (be it trust building or just checking up on you). On the other hand, she may be saying she wants you to keep it just to see if you will proactively delete it yourself.

Early on, even innocent things can affect a BS, because she doesn't have the trust yet to believe it's innocent. She doesn't know, and will probably not know for a long while yet. Is it fair? No. Is it a consequence, a sucky, but realistic consequence? Yeppers. Could you have triple checked? Sure. Could you still have missed this friend? Yes. Thing is, it's done. So now what? How can you try to prove to her that you understand her feelings, take responsibility for your actions (past) that have caused her mistrust and reassure her that you are willing to do everything she needs to rebuild that trust.

Talk with her about this. Acknowledge her wish of keeping a FB, and suggest deleting this one and opening another where you can both have access to again and choose which friends to accept together. Offer again to delete and not reopen another one.

Whatever you do, delete it or not, don't do anything without talking with her about it first.


ka-mai
*******************
From time to time, I do consider that I might be mad. Like any self-respecting lunatic, however, I am always quick to dismiss any doubts about my sanity. DK

Posts: 14844 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: mercury's underboob
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daisy,
Forgive me if I misread your words and took it the wrong way but it seems you feel like never give ups BS has no reason to be upset?

With all due respect to him, she does have reason to be upset. Even if it was a innocent mistake on his part, she is probably being triggered by seeing a friend of the AP on his fb page....it's a consequence of his bad choices (like we all have consequences for our own bad choices).

Though it may be frustrating at times, it is on him (and all of us WS) to do what we need to help our BS heal.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 835 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Daisy, you may be projecting your situation with your anger and resentment towards your BS onto Never. If you don't know his back story, you might not understand why his BS triggered. His BS's feelings are very valid.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
mof2
♀ Member
Member # 40287
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree and don't agree. Facebook is trouble for those people who can't use it properly like my ex H. My ex H and I both have had a FB since 2008. I used it to keep up with old friends. I loved my ex H and was committed to our marriage and would not have strayed. He on the other used it as a "flirting" tool. I caught him flirting with a couple of women and had him delete them as friends. I finally let go and tried to trust him and he started flirting again and that one stuck. And when he left me for OW he added the girls I made him delete back on his Facebook. These are grown ass people. Either they are committed to there marriages or not. Facebook really isn't the problem it is there bat shit crazy minds that are the problem.


BW - Me 43
WH - Cheating Swine 43
Dday - February 12, 2013....a week before I was to give birth to the child I miscarried and 12 days before our 5th anniversary.

Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: DFW
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have deleted the account but she wanted me to keep it. I doesn't matter to me whether I have it or not

Think again. If fb really doesn't matter to you, then why are you posting photos?


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6367 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
sinsof thefather
♀ Member
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We left yesterday and she was looking at Facebook on my phone and noticed that someone my AP was friends with "liked" a photo I had posted of my wife and I while on the trip. She got very angry and said now she can see this!

With my very limited understanding of Facebook I took the problem to be not so much the man liking the photo, but that because he 'liked' the photo that now OW can now see it too because she is on his friend list. If that is correct then it's like OW was given another window of opportunity to invade your wife's privacy again. Even though it was accidental on your part the result was that the OW still got access to that photo and got to look at your wife and know what you and your family were doing. I can very much understand your wife being both triggered and angry about that. Personally I'd delete the account altogether. But at the very least you have to unfriend any mutual friends you have with OW.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1874 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If the OW is blocked by both you and your BS then she will not see anything from you no matter who likes what. you will both essentially be invisible to her

ETA: we not only blocked all OM's but we also unfriended every mutual friend just in case.

[This message edited by Chicho at 11:21 AM, January 5th (Sunday)]


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2583 | Registered: Aug 2012
Daisy1967
♀ Member
Member # 41627
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sweetness and light. Magic fairy dust.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:23 AM, January 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 70 | Registered: Dec 2013
pointofnoreturn
♀ Member
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll echo what Chico said: deleting and remaking seems to be the fairest compromise. That way you can run it through her if you get any friend requests. Go with her to reblock to OPs. This would be the safest bet if she wants you to keep your Facebook. Oh! And give her your password as well.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ Member
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facebook can be dicey for sure.

And I agree with other poster who pointed out the larger issue here that you were pissed off that her wall was back up. (Although trying hard not to be)

While your disappointment with her walls being back up is understandable, it's to be expected that one way or another, FB or something else, and your W will be triggered.

Even though you tell her you're an open book, you gotta know that it's going to take a long time for her to trust and feel safe again.

It's wonderful that you are on the road to R, and it will be more healing for both of you if you take responsibility for the larger wounds each time she's triggered. And if you get pissed off, make sure she knows you're mad at yourself, and not at her for triggering, doubting or questioning.

Best to you!


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Now homeless but getting it together. Necessary but difficult(!) transition! Sad sad sad but hopeful.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ Member
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I created a FB page for my H shortly after d-day, but I was the administrator of it. That way, I would know if anyone tried to contact him. He didn't even start using it until recently. His friends are mostly friends from growing up and I've not really seen any issues from it. I guess it's all in how you handle it. *shrug*

ETA: I have a couple of FB friends who are FWSs (female) that I met on here and I'm glad they kept their FB because we're great friends, now.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 1:54 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]


Posts: 11667 | Registered: Mar 2008
Topic Posts: 28
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