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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Facebook is trouble
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, I can understand completely why his wife didn't want him to delete his facebook account. A lot of WS say they delete, and then just get a new one. It is a trust issue- she wants you to have one so she can see what is going on and build up trust.

Why not go through with her, and delete people together? She certainly can't blame you in the future for forgetting someone if she combed through the contacts with you. Just a thought.

Best of luck!


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
PeaceLove187
♀ Member
Member # 33559
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here and for what it's worth, you might consider that there's a rebound effect for many BSs after a period of closeness. You say you had a good time on the trip and she may have felt herself growing closer and that's pretty damn scary for a long time after D-day. It's common to have a dip in the roller coaster after the high of a nice trip away.

In other words, try very hard not to be defensive. Sometimes she's going to be completely unfair but that's what you signed up for when you had the A. Your actions caused her current emotions. If you want to fix this then hang in there. Reassure her. Love her. Give her complete access to Facebook and tell her everything you post--or just delete the thing. I never wanted to isolate my H and told him he could keep Facebook as long as he deleted certain friends but he chose to delete it anyway.


BW--Me, 57
FWH--Him, 58
Married 34 years
Empty Nesters

Posts: 622 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Midwest
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like this is a pretty touchy subject. Thanks for all the great feedback and suggestions.

I was never much of a facebook user, for the longest time my wife was the one posting on my acct. She's always had the password, never been an issue in the past. It's possibly why I didn't give it the thought I should have, but the OW is blocked. The only thing I post now is about us. We have alot of people pulling for us and it helps take pressure off of her. This is of course after I ask her approval.

I am going to approach her about deleting and opening a new account. I don't want to just delete it as it would seem suspicious. I'll see how it goes.

When I wrote my first post I had stepped away and used it to cool off. After the kids a luggage were loaded back in the car (we were still traveling yesterday) she came up to me and gave me a big hug and said "you look grouchy". I told her I was mad at myself for what happened. She said "good you should be" and gave me a kiss.

Damn I love her, I'm so lucky


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PeaceLove, thanks for the insight about the rebound effect. I have noticed it before and luckily the magnitude seems to be shrinking. I just back off when I notice it, well I do my best to back off if I can get out of my own head.

It's helpful to know its expected.


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
MindMonkey
♂ Member
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No SS.

90% of fWW A was on FB, but I insisted fWW keep FB and got pissed that she deleted it at one point (but it reactivates VERY easily).

I used it as a "test" for her and her boundaries...to make sure she understood what was acceptable and what was not. IMO, deleting the account would be a cop-out. It took her six different tries to delete inappropriate friends, but she eventually got there.

Here's some hints if your BS wants you to keep FB (for whatever reason): unfriend opposite sex friends that are not family, ANY mutual friends with AP, ANY one that knew of affair or WOULD HAVE supported it if they did (this is HARD, try to look at it from BW perspective).

A word of warning. She may still find triggers in FB no matter who you unfriend or block. Don't give up, she's still figuring things out too.

I'd say you had a good opportunity that you almost nailed but it misfired. Just clean up your FB settings and try again. Maybe your BW wanted you to keep FB so you could gush over her publically.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am going to approach her about deleting and opening a new account. I don't want to just delete it as it would seem suspicious.
I like this. Keep her in the loop and not blindsiding her with the deletion.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3652 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
SpotlessMind
♀ Member
Member # 41775
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi NeverGiveUp--

It sounds like you made an honest mistake--FB can be kind of overwhelming, and it's easy to miss things. I'm glad you've addressed your defensiveness bc that's usually one of the killers for me right now--not that my WS missed something, but his reaction afterwards, if it's anything other than supportive.

FB is pretty triggery for me too bc I didn't realize until recently that LTA OW had been commenting on his photos for over a year. Photos of our kids, too. She even made a few pointed comments about his whereabouts that I totally missed in my obliviousness and trust. And when he sent her the NC email, she changed her FB name to one that corresponded with a terrible review she'd left on my book on another site, then blocked both of us before we could block her.

WS has offered to delete his account, but I'm not sure that's what I want. First of all, we'd have to back up a ton of family photos. Second of all, like someone else mentioned, he used FB to flirt with multiple women, including one EA only woman and an almost ONS woman (it fell through last second), so I feel better monitoring his activity and convos to make sure good boundaries stay in place. But I like the idea of maybe starting a new account with limiter members (I think he has close to 1000 friends now, though we did delete a bunch of women).

Just offering my perspective, in the hope that it offers some insight. It sounds like you are being very self-aware and doing a good job at addressing your feelings and acting in a supportive way to your BS. Best wishes to both of you.


fWS/BS--me
BH/WH--him
Married: 12 yrs
D-Day: October
Kids: yes

Posts: 277 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Where am I?
nevergiveup10
♂ Member
Member # 41537
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Spotless,

Thanks for the support, the one thing this has made me realize is just because I'm above board on all levels I still need to be diligent. With so many other things at play that are out of my control there's no reason something like this should happen.


WH 39
BS 34
D-Day July 15, 2013
Together 10 years
Three great boys 8,5 & 2
Working on R

Posts: 99 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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