Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: SC619 (44924)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: feeling lost-1st antiversary coming up
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm fresh out of coping skills right now,and feeling pulled back to a place I haven't been in awhile.

To make a short story long ,here goes...H has a regular,yearly,mandatory work conference in a warm,tropical locale(yeah,poor thing,right?!). It's 75% verifiable work,the rest is open time...with an open bar at the resort,partying after hours encouraged. It was at this same conference last year that H had a two night stand with a coworker,and the discovery of this ONS led to the discovery 2.5 months later of a 6 month LD PA with a different coworker. H has been all in with the work that comes with R-bumps here and there,but I have no doubts of his commitment to me,R,and our future. Could I say 100% that he won't cheat again? No. Can I say that he's a different man than the one that hurt me and our marriage? Yes. I trust him,but more importantly,I trust ME.

The problem? He leaves for this conference tomorrow,and I'm losing my mind,my heart is back to seeing the emails and texts between them that made me literally fall off my chair. My stomach is in knots. I don't want him out of my sight,I lost it this morning when he went to walk the dog. He got angry at me because he feels I'm "guilting him" and said that he doesn't want to even go on this trip(makes two of us,buddy!) because he's stressed about my stress. I want to yell and scream and throw things. I like the place I was,where I had some peace and perspective. Right now,I'm in that fucking pit again and I'm not sure how to get back my equilibrium.

We have Skype,I'll have his itinerary,he's promised to answer his phone whenever I call,with no excuses("left it in the car" "dead battery" "didn't hear your text tone"). I also told him that I need him to make me feel special while he's gone,that every day he needs to do something that screams "I love my wife" to me. Funny(and not ha-ha funny) thing is that I don't think he's going to do anything. I feel like he's changed,that he's seen and felt my pain and faced losing me and our family-and learned from it. But because of him,I am back to where I was almost a year ago,and I am so angry and hurting right now.

Any help appreciated.


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
slide095
♀ Member
Member # 38716
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That would be incredibly hard, I'm so sorry. :(

There's NO way he can get out of it?

Could you go with him? There's no possible way?


BW, 31, two young kids

One day at a time....


Posts: 58 | Registered: Mar 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell, that screams vacation time for gettingthere2013 to me! As in I would make every effort to go and enjoy that 25% of the time that there wasn't work.

In all seriousness, I totally understand that this is taking you back. How could it not? I trust that my FWH would honor his marriage should he go to a conference, however I would be going with him and, if for some reason I couldn't, I would probably be eating my liver as well.

Is there any special thing that you can do for yourself while he's away? Some totally indulgent thing that you've wanted to do? This might be the time to do it.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4802 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could go,and we tried to make it work,with him staying an extra couple days so that I could join him and we could make new memories of that place. There was no way we could get someone to care for the six kids still living at home-even the adult child had obligations elsewhere. I did make a day long spa appointment for tomorrow,but Mother Nature has other plans for me...the weather is severe where I live,school is already cancelled for tomorrow and tuesday,and many businesses are too.

Trying to keep it together,but I'm just feeling fragile right now.


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear there's a really nasty stomach bug going around and I'm pretty sure your H is coming down with it.

Seriously, I would be hysterical. My H also has a similar type of work travel but there is no way either of us could handle it right now. Or any time soon.

Big, big hugs and lots of strength to you. :(


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Lola88
♀ Member
Member # 41540
Default  Posted: 6:07 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Morhurt, Stomach bug, man flu, chicken pox, anything contagious - and if he doesn't agree......he should not go. Don't accept any excuse!

Posts: 126 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: UK
CATransplant
♀ Member
Member # 39567
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry gettingthere2013. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong.


Me BS
H FWS
M 3/27/12 together since 06'
A EA/PA 4/19/13/5/26/13
DD 6/12/13
Forced NC 6/13/13
MOW coworker-caught,TT for six months.

Posts: 116 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: United States
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 6:37 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H just called from the airport...his flight was supposed to leave at 7am,it was delayed,then cancelled. He looked for a different flight or different airline,but there were none(I'm not sure he looked too hard),so he's on his way home. Not sure if it's for today or if he's not going to the conference at all. Thanks so much for your support yesterday!


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man, that is some divine intervention (says the atheist)!!! I hope it's for more than the day!


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

H ended up getting a very late flight out,and even that one was delayed because of continued weather issues. He came home to wait for the flight instead of staying at the airport,and we "took a nap" while the kids slept in. The goodbye was hard,but I think for now,I'm doing ok.


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was a bad night,just a bad night. There was a space of about two hours that I wasn't able to get in touch with H,and when I did,he was so plowed that it took several tries for him to set up skype. He passed out and eventually rolled over his phone,disconnecting the skype call. He called me back when he woke up,still drunk,but less so,then promptly fell back to sleep...while talking. After 25 years with the man,I know him drunk,and he was genuinely three sheets(and then some) to the wind. Prior to the the two hours where I couldn't get ahold of him,he had sent me pictures and textsof h im and his bosses drinking. I don't think he was up to anything other than drinking with the guys(did I mention the resort is open bar,24/7?).

He just now texted me,saying he woke up about five minutes ago,had to rush to register for his conferences/training sessions,that he would call me as soon as he could. My response was "Last night was bad,_____,very bad. We're going to have to figure something out so it doesn't repeat itself. Feeling very fragile right now."

Torn between understanding that R has been a weight on both of us,and he probably did need a break from it and "Screw you,H...just screw you. Screw you for dragging me back to the place you put me in in the first place. Screw you for putting your need to blow off steam ahead of my need for safety." The teenage girl in me wants to simply ignore him for the rest of the trip,wants him to know what it's like to wonder what your partner is up to. That doesn't seem conducive to R,especially when R has been going well.

Thoughts,ideas?


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man, not ok! This is the trip that he had an A on last year, correct? And he gets plastered the first night?? This is exactly why he should not have gone. He is not keeping you safe. I realize he's probably not acting inappropriately with women but he's not keeping you emotionally safe.

Hmmmm....

This brings up a lot of anxiety for me as my H also travels/travelled to these hot climate all inclusives. (Luckily for me we own our business and he doesn't want to go for the foreseeable future so I don't need to think about it for a while)

Did you have boundaries in place before he left re: drinking and skype etc?

My instinct is to tell him to get his sorry, cheating, hungover ass home today! I'm very upset for you.

I hope someone else comes along soon who perhaps isn't as triggered as I am. I'm probably not being at all reassuring or helpful. Oh, and as for him needing time away from the A... Forget it! You don't get a break, ever! It was his choice to cheat and tough luck if he needs a break, his primary focus in life needs to be you and helping you feel safe and loved and cherished and cared about. Going out and getting plastered on the same business trip he cheated on last year??? Aaarrrggg!!!

Ok, backing away now. Hugs to you.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Checking in...
How are you doing? You're in my thoughts.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
cliffside
♀ Member
Member # 38803
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm coming up on my antiversary too (2/3). I'm also feeling super triggery and more like I felt six months ago. There is no way I would be able to handle what you're dealing with. And getting that drunk on the first night would piss me off to no end.

I've worked these conferences for my old company and there was always a ton of drinking, cheating, and all around generally inappropriate behavior. I ALWAYS found a way to avoid this crap. I would show up for a drink and usually say I was going to talk to a customer, go back to my room, and watch TV. Other colleagues of mine did the same thing - we even shared strategies for avoiding everything! Whenever people would say "you can't avoid the partying" I would roll my eyes. No one is going to hold a gun to your head and tell you "get drunk and act like an ass or we'll fire you!"

Argh. I'm so angry for you!! I honestly think I would tell him he needs to make up some excuse and get his ass home so you can go to your MC to talk about what he did.

Hugs and strength to you.


Me: BS 39
Him: WH 41
2 Kids
D-Day: 2/3/13
Broke NC 3/14
Very skeptically in R for now...

Posts: 269 | Registered: Mar 2013
gettingthere2013
♀ Member
Member # 38232
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm doing well-a little retail therapy,a good workout,and the kids are finally back at school after winter break.

Longer version-I totally lost my shit with H yesterday evening,it was pretty spectacular,sobbing,yelling,the works. He apologized for the drunken first night,offered the names and phone numbers of the guys he was with,as well as the room number slip with his food/drinks on it(has time/date stamp). He apologized for not setting up skype with me that first night...which I let him sweat for awhile before telling him he was too drunk to even remember that he HAD done it. Yesterday evening he was perfect...so much so I got sick of hearing from him-pictures every 15 minutes or so,intermitent skype so I could hear what was going on during the dinner/sightseeing,then we went to bed with skype on. It's been the same today,but as it's the last night,there's a big deal banquet and I'm sweating that a little.

Good Lord,I hate feeling like I'm keeping tabs on him like this,but right now,it's made all the difference between whacked out me and functioning me. Hoping that as time goes on,I'll need it less.

Thanks for asking....SI has been a godsend these last couple days!!


Me:BW(42)
Him:WH(40)
Kids: Seven...yes,you read that right,and yes-we do know what causes them :)
Dday#1 1/29/2013(ONS with coworker)
Dday#2 4/8/2013(6 month LD PA with coworker,over for six months at time of discovery)
Reconciling...in all our

Posts: 73 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: South
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you expressed your pain to him. Good job! And I'm glad he's doing a much better job of showing you that you matter and that he is being safe.
Sometimes I feel bad about keeping tabs, but you know what... I never even considered it before DD so I remind myself, he's the one who should feel bad that I feel I need to keep tabs.

And so glad you're being inundated with boring pictures, no time to worry is a good thing!


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
Topic Posts: 16

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.