She just did what she felt she had to do.
That is total BS. She didn't HAVE to do anything. She CHOSE to do this. Don't let her make excuses. She chose to do it. Period.
It's also BS that she doesn't remember. She may not remember every detail, but she could tell you when it started, where it started. Can you tell her the first time you slept with her? I bet she can tell you the same thing about you and him.
Look, if you NEED to know more, keep asking her. But, IMO, if you want to R, and she is being remorseful and ACTING it out, you would better served to let the details go. You know she slept with him, gave him BJs, hid it all, and lied to you and your kids about it. Knowing how many times everything happened won't change the fact that she did it.
I struggle with the same questions you have should my WW return to our M. So, I understand where you're coming from, but I just wanted to share my view.
Hang in there man. You've been dealt a crappy hand for sure.
I feel your pain though - I feel like understanding the reasons for the A would help me heal and forgive. My WS says it wasnt for physical either.
What I want us to know what I am dealing with.
Just my opinion....I am NOT a shrink...
Seems to me you wife had a "shits and giggles affair"....these affairs are an ego stroking, escape from reality behavior that is their way of escaping from what I call "pre-affair issues".....for instance, my FWW suffered from depression, had self esteem issues, was an alcoholic..(clean and sober at the time of her affair - but cheated anyway) she basically traded one addiction for another....spending money, gambling, drinking, drugging, yes - even cheating.....its like a junkie looking for that "first high"...they like the "giddy feeling" of affairs...they get emotional gratification from the attention of the other guy....and will rewrite their marriage to justify their behavior....
Affairs are a feel good - quick fix for a lot of cheaters...followed by a period of depression....affairs are forbidden....new and exciting....often they think theyre "soulmates".....and "in love"....of course they're soulmates....if my wife didn't think they were "in love", she'd have to accept that she was a slut....KWIM? I didnt buy any of her bullshit.....
affairs are rainbows, unicorns and fairy dust. They are NOT reality - they are an "escape from reality".....remember....im talking about the the "shits and giggles" affairs....there are different kinds of affairs...revenge, exit, rekindled, etc...what kind is important...
I suggest you get your wife into IC to find out the "whys" of her affair....and get her to work on that....WHY (even if bullshit) is important...she says the sex wasn't enjoyable - I guarantee the "attention was"....its a matter of definition....and the attention was the sex...
If the remorse is genuine....and transparency is in place...(also NC with the OM) ...R is possible - get ready for a long ride....it is NOT easy....and takes a while...
Hope that helped....keep us posted...
I get a lot of 'I don't knows' or 'I don't remembers'. That gets very frustrating after awhile because I am the type that wants to know everything.
I understand what you're saying here. Even though I don't want to know everything, there are some questions that I have, that seem very simple to me, and when I ask, I either hear "I don't know" or "I don't remember."
In my case, I think WH is trying to protect me from additional pain, while he is also trying to protect himself. Right now I believe that he does not want to divulge the depth of his affair(s) - I suspect more than one - so he is holding his hand very close to his vest.
We are working on this in MC, and I hope that I'll have full disclosre soon. But I honestly don't believe that he doesn't know or doesn't remember certain things, and I hope with the help of our MC, he'll understand that he needs to answer all of my questions to the best of his ability.
And dont be too quick to jump on her needs not being met. Thats more of mc talk for the affair is the betrayed persons fault. She could have done a million other things to fix her needs not being met. She chose cheating. And you were in the same mariage and didnt cheat.
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013