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Newest Member: brokencrutch (44961)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: ME, ME, ME ...
qwerty2012
♂ New Member
Member # 41311
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have seen a similar responses on SI from BS'es and my wife also tells me that my emails are all about 'ME'. I typically tell her how I am feeling, i apologize for what i have done (level 6/7) - i empathize with what they might be going through (especially when i don't know that days' triggers), but i also empathize based on my own shame.

The same happens when i am asked questions about how i feel or what i am thinking or why i believe i have changed, etc. Since the questions are directed to me and about me - i naturally talk about 'ME'.

I struggle to understand what is it that is about 'ME' - when it shouldn't?
I am trying to find my 'selfish chip' …. I am trying to understand better what 'selfless' means in this situation?


Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Hell
stilllovinghim
♀ Member
Member # 29971
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have an example? From your post I didn't detect a "me me me" attitude. Is there a recent post or text that she's okay with you sharing to help point out what your BS is talking about?


“You have a choice. Live or die.Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. Every time you don't throw yourself down the stairs, that's a choice. Every time you don't crash your car, you re-enlist.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

Posts: 1942 | Registered: Oct 2010
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ Member
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep in mind that 90% of communication is non verbal. Most of us are more animated and engaged when we talk about ourselves. Do you lean in, let her finish her sentences, clarify her points actively, without being a dope? So she says "im triggering today and just not liking where we are" do you say, "me either" or do you help dig into why she feels that way?


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can remember having some feelings similar to what you describe in your wife. It took my wife quite some time to really get what she'done. She was trying, but it was over a year before I truly felt she got it.

GotMyLife mentions non-verbal. When I started seeing the remorse come out of my wife in the form of anguished looks or moist eyes, it helped to validate the words. We'd be watching a show and some reference to infidelity would come up (happens a lot) and I could "see" it affect her and the non-verbal stuff started translating to verbal that felt more sincere.

That isn't to say she wasn't trying all that time before. I'm just saying that at some point it seemed more genuinely about my healing.

You're here on this board, so you are clearly working at it. Keep working at it. Keep trying to show her you understand and regret the pain you've caused.

She has a lot of healing to do and you'll just need to keep plugging away trying to help. You work on you and you work on the two of you and you help her to heal. Its a journey that is going to take time.

Don't spend too much energy sorting through how to stop projecting a "me" vibe. Just go about projecting a her vibe. Talk to her about what you can do to help her heal. Tell her you can see her pain. Tell her you know you caused it. Work at making things her focused when you're trying to comfort her.

That doesn't mean don't work on you. If you can do counseling, have at it. Work on you.

All that is based on just reading your one post. I don't/can't have any insight into your world. But, you're describing a woman that is telling you that she needs something more and different from you. The best way to find out what she needs is to talk to her.

Best luck.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1491 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
nogoodap1
♂ Member
Member # 38595
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do the same thing. And I agree it's hard not to talk about me and how I'm feeling because I know.


Me: WBF
Her: BGF
Status: I'll let you know when I know. working on us and I'm becoming a whole new and improved me.
D-day #1 2-18-13
D-day #2 6-13-14
D-day #3 8-17-14
*Only PM with men, thanks*

Posts: 127 | Registered: Mar 2013
breakingpoint
♀ Member
Member # 40963
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, January 5th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you are including empathetic things in your emails, she just isn't recognizing it as empathy. She is probably so hurt and overwhelmed, she isn't really able to read what you are saying objectively. Maybe all of the focus on yourself at the beginning of the email is triggering her, so that the latter part isn't really registering.

What if you just sent emails containing nothing about the you part? Just about how you are thinking about her. Let that be the whole message.

Sounds like she is not ready to hear about how you are feeling yet.


Posts: 115 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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