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Newest Member: LostinBluseas (45054)

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User Topic: Today I learned D19 was raped
metamorphisis
♀ Administrator
Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry neverdidithink. As a mom I just ache for you and your dd. I know it's ridiculous to think their are any positives here, but her coming to you and letting you in on this secret she is carrying around with her is a very good thing. Now you can be on her team and reinforcing that it isn't her fault. That will be so valuable to her.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44800 | Registered: Sep 2006
EvenKeel
♀ Member
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh what awful for you all.

[hugs]


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2130 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((neverdidithink)))

What a horrible thing to go through as a young woman. But hey there are some positives here. She shared with you what has happened, which will help you help her. She will start to heal now knowing that you all support her.

You also know now the issue behind the depression, and poor academic performance. While this is a horrible awful thing there are many people who have been victims of the same crime, and often do well in life, and become really strong women to overcome this.

She will heal, and you will help her. In the meantime just love her and let her know that nothing she did caused this, and that you are there judgment free.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8592 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
UnexpectedSong
♀ Member
Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Never doubt her.
Never judge her.
Never disbelieve her.

Just... Never doubt her.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6098 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
Kajem
♀ Member
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keeping your family in my prayers.

Hugs,
K


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5160 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please gently ask her if she reported it to her school. We take this very seriously and it is federal law that colleges look into it and report numbers.

From Wikipedia:

The law is named for Jeanne Clery, a 19-year-old Lehigh University freshman who was raped and murdered in her campus residence hall in 1986. The backlash against unreported crimes on numerous campuses across the country led to the Jeanne Clery Disclosure of Campus Security Policy and Campus Crime Statistics Act. [2] The Clery Act, signed in 1990, was originally known as the Crime Awareness and Campus Security Act.

We take this incredibly seriously at my Division I school. I'm so sorry this happened to your daughter.


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2212 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

purplejacket4, she did not report it. She chose to transfer and "put it behind her". I would love to see her report it and name her attacker, but she has chosen not to do that and I can't really force the issue.

She doesn't want to discuss the subject and said last night that she regrets telling me becuase I'm treating her differently. 24 hours earlier I learned that my daughter's depression is WAY more serious than she admitted to, that she struggled with suicidal thoughts as she was trying to get through last semester, and that she was raped last year. Yes, I may be a little more protective that I was last week...

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 11:56 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 337 | Registered: Sep 2013
Holly-Isis
♀ Member
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The rape coupled with the suicidal thoughts, she really should get help. I wish she would turn it in. It might make her feel empowered and as though she's helping prevent other girls from being hurt.

However, I see why she wouldn't. Especially given how our culture still treats victims.

Would she go to a board like SI? There's one I've used that I find helpful, they would encourage IC too.

www.aftersilence.org

(((((NDT and DD)))))
I will be beside myself if my DD goes through something like that. Full on save, protect and attack mode.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11197 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holly-Isis, she is in IC and seeing a psychiatrist. I know I'd need a whole lot more support than that, but she seems to be unwilling to do much more. She went to a group a few times, but found it *annoying*.

I'm trying hard not to project, but it seems she'd rather rugsweep and that freaks me out.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 337 | Registered: Sep 2013
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for your daughter and for you. I hope that asshole gets flattened by a bus. Like, tomorrow.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6764 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
BrokenRoad
♀ Member
Member # 15334
Helpless  Posted: 9:09 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry neverdidithink.
I can't imagine how heartsick you are for her.
I know I'd be if my DD had gone through this.
I hope now that it's out in the open she can start to feel some healing.
(((neverdidithink & family)))


{Him}FBH - 43 (WifeHad5)
{Me} FWW - 43
2 kids 7 & 12
Reconciled :)
Beauty and folly are old companions.--Benjamin Franklin

Posts: 10696 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Midwest
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, January 8th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How horrible. I hope she can find the right mix of help to help her find peace. Sending your family good thoughts


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1632 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Pentup
♀ Member
Member # 20563
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Neverdidthink and DD)))
I think you can explain to her that you are acting out of love and you will be protective and maybe over the top right now. As a Mom, you want to try and help, to make things better for her. Then, as hard as it is, I think (and this just my opinion, you know your daughter) you have to back off and let her lead.

That said, this is her walk and her journey and she is going to have to do it at her pace. Sometimes what looks like rug sweeping is processing time. Your daughter is vocalizing what happened, she is seeing a professional for help, she moved home to a safer (mentally at least) environment. Sounds to me like she has done A LOT! To deal with this.

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. This is new info for you. It is not for her.

I would say that I think it sounds like you have a very strong daughter and I bet that acorn did not fall far from the tree.


Me- BS
Him- FWS (I hope- F)

Posts: 6587 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
gutfeeling
♀ Member
Member # 41652
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry.

That happened to one of my friends and after counseling she was able to lead a normal healthy life.

I hope your DD gets the right med combo down asap.


Posts: 155 | Registered: Dec 2013
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you can explain to her that you are acting out of love and you will be protective and maybe over the top right now. As a Mom, you want to try and help, to make things better for her. Then, as hard as it is, I think (and this just my opinion, you know your daughter) you have to back off and let her lead.
That said, this is her walk and her journey and she is going to have to do it at her pace. Sometimes what looks like rug sweeping is processing time. Your daughter is vocalizing what happened, she is seeing a professional for help, she moved home to a safer (mentally at least) environment. Sounds to me like she has done A LOT! To deal with this.
I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. This is new info for you. It is not for her.

Pentup, you pretty much just summarized the last few days. I'm trying to give her space, but damn, this is hard. I just want to wrap her up and protect her.

I did learn that she told her 25yo step-sister quite a while ago, which made me feel a little better. Of course, SD feels horribly guilty for not telling her dad and I. Lots of reassurance that she did the right thing and lots of appreciation that she was D's "safe place".

Thank you all again, it's so incredibly helpful for me to have a "safe place "as well.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 2:39 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 337 | Registered: Sep 2013
simplydevastated
♀ Member
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sending and your family strength to get through this and to find the best course of action for your Daughter's healing.

(((Hugs)))


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
seekingright2013
♀ Member
Member # 37991
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, January 9th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Hugs)))))) for your daughter and you. So glad others have chimed in with good advice. I'm so sorry this happened to her. I'm glad she's home and beginning to heal. It's wonderful she has you on her side. **thoughts & prayers**.


BSO, 53
exWSO, who cares
DD: 11/18/12
DD2: 11/21/12
Kicked him to the curb 11/21/12
“I tramp a perpetual journey.”
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself

Posts: 117 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Red State SE US
Junebug0525
♀ Member
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, January 10th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you haven't, look into EMDR therapy. It's supposed to be very helpful to those suffering from PTSD. There is also an injection into the neck that has been used to help with PTSD as well. It's called a stellate-ganglion block (SGB). I know it's been used for the military, but not sure if it's available for the civilian sector yet. So sorry you're going through this, and hugs to your daughter.


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1141 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
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