Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: JRconfused (45363)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Well, there was more. Breaking point: am I in shock?
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 8:52 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

outtanowhere: You are 100% totally absolutely right about everything and I don't know what the answer is to the questions you intimated. I am aware I don't have those answers. Yes, he is broken.

We are their rocks, their fixers. They can do it as long as we are by their side.

I DO feel this way. I know this is a problem. I would love help seeing this another way. Though I don't feel like I'm martyring myself, I DO ask, "If not me, then who?" There IS a line in the sand, however, and if he crosses it, I. Will. Walk. I am not throwing myself on this cross forever.

He only saw someone who he thought would stay with him regardless of if he acted out or not.

I can't tell if my WH feels this way or not, yet.

It doesn't matter how loving or how forgiving you are. He.is.broken. And no one, even him, can guarantee that he will be able to overcome this.

I logically know this but I am having a really hard time internalizing it. What about tough and lovingly uncompromising? Are we denying the power of another person to influence us for good (and evil)? The power of another to give us just the small bit of a leg up we need to fix ourselves? Surely not? No man is an island.

Good luck but, please be prepared for the tidal wave that is sure to roll up at some point. If i understand correctly, it's only been a couple of months. Not near enough time to make any decisions yet.

I told him last night that I love him but I was not going to go down there with him. He is coming up here with me or he is going to get the hell out of my way. The work is on him. Thank you for the warning. No decisions have been made. The only thing I know is what I want to see and what I won't stand for.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 8:57 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for all multi posting! Seems my Internet is randomly connecting and disconnecting. I'll see if I can say one simple thing in one post.

You are noble in your thinking but, the addict think that ScaredyKat refers to is convoluted. I never could understand why my SAFWH couldn't see my love though all the thoughtful ways I tried to show him. I know now that he only saw that as a weakness.

You are my youngest daughter's age. I wouldn't want her to live like this.

Hugs honey!


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the most telling thing is going to be if he does this again after it's been outed. He's seen the pain it caused, he knows the risks, he's acknowledged the problem. If he does it again now, it speaks to a whole host of sociopathic and sexual problems with which I cannot help and I cannot deal.

Time will tell. Perversely, I just hope that if he's gonna do this again he hurries the hell up and does it so I can know what the problem is.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 9:21 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the terrifying part tho. How many years are you willing to invest only for him to act out again in 2, 5, 10 or even 20 years. Pure agony.


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, that scares the crap out of me, I won't lie.

My answer to that: this whole thing started out with me telling him when / how / where he could go out, who he could talk to and go out with, in which ways he needed to hold himself accountable to me in terms of his whereabouts. He's been perfectly good about all those things, but on New Years, I removed all restrictions on him. I cannot manage his life, I will not be his mommy, I will not oversee him or be his jailer. I don't have time for that shit, his actions will tell me more than his acquiescence to my demands. If he does this again now, in any capacity, I WILL find out in much shorter order what I am looking at if he's running his own life and managing his own boundaries and time. He knows what the right thing to do is. The question is, can and will he do it?

[This message edited by Thessalian at 9:27 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are wise beyond your years. Don't get sucked into the vortex ok?


BS - 58
SAWH - 61 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 38 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
He promised me Heaven then put me thru hell

Posts: 759 | Registered: Apr 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know you're wildly codependent, right? You're enabling him to the detriment of your self. You see that about yourself, yes?

Codependent No More
The New Codependent
both by Melody Beattie

Boundaries in Marriage
Cloud & Townsend


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know you're wildly codependent, right? You're enabling him to the detriment of your self. You see that about yourself, yes?

Thank you very much for your opinion - I value all comers.

As to codependency, I'm more than willing to take a 2x4 or ten, and I am open to that possibility, but unless I'm missing a major factor here (and tell me if I am), I don't think that's what this is.

Yes, I am enabling him at a detriment to myself right now. Is that not what the hard part of love is? That we sacrifice when we can handle it for those we care about when we see they may not make it alone (unless they leave you no choice)? Understanding that they will do the same for us when we need it? That we stand there with someone in their darkest hour, until we can't do that anymore or it becomes clear they won't help themselves or that they'll suck you dry if you stay? When do we decide to abandon someone else that we care about and that they are lost to us? That's the question, and drawing that line is hard. I have often erred on the "cut your losses" side of that line.

I am under the impression that codependents do not have much faith in themselves. That's not me.

I trust my own perceptions and feelings implicitly. I do not have low self worth. I do not have trouble accepting compliments. I do not feel a desperation to be needed. I do not feel that someone else would not want me. I have never (more's the pity at this point) found it hard to trust. I do not value other people's opinions above my own: I have always been sure of myself in that way to an extreme degree. I do not allow anyone to tell me how I feel. I express my truest feelings clearly, often, and at great length (usually, embarrassingly, to anyone who will listen). I have zero problems saying 'no'. I am comfortable drawing boundaries, I am not afraid of conflict, I have no trouble calling people on their shit, and cutting people out of my life when it becomes clear they cannot stop hurting me or themselves has never been an issue for me. The major trauma in my childhood was formed as a result of me having to stand up to my entire family and social support network and tell them they were the crazy ones, not me (raised in a cult, got myself out, ran a support network for other members), and I am proud of who that made me. I do not mind when WH spends time with others or goes about his business without me. On the contrary, I've been called out by several close friends for cutting people out of my life because of their bullshit too easily, and when I do, I never look back. I often walk at the second sign of trouble. That is a major pattern with me. I am trying not to do that here.

I DO tend to want to be in control of people and situations. I DO have a fear of rejection (who is comfortable with rejection?), but it doesn't define me. I DO feel bad about myself when I make mistakes.

I have been fiercely independent since I could walk - my mother commented on it often. Because I am so independent and don't take shit well, and because it's rare to meet someone that can handle my personal drive, when I do form a tight bond and find someone I have great synergy with, that bond becomes very important to me, and I am very hesitant to let it go and I will go all out to fix it, if it can be fixed. But goshdarnit, I'm a tough cookie. And I am not here because I can't go on without him. I am simply not quite convinced WH is a lost cause, because he's never tried not to be. If I am presented with evidence that he is too far gone, that's it.

My line is drawn, I have no doubts I'll stick to it. And I know there's a very small chance it won't be crossed.

ETA: Though looking at that post, maybe I'm just a giant narcissist.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 11:17 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
sodamnlost
♀ Member
Member # 37190
Default  Posted: 11:25 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am almost 3 weeks out since my husbands "issues" went from a LTA and testing out a male to see if he was bi to a full blown sex addict since middle school. Men, prostitutes, massage parlors, you name it. We are not reconciling. He moved out. Wish I had better words of advice. Have you seen recovery nation?


If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's not a fluffy pink unicorn squirting liquid rainbows, complete with pots of gold out of it's ass.

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: Nowhere pretty
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this reminds me of those stories you hear of people getting crush injuries and the bottom half of their body is severed but the top half is still alive and that person talks and thinks but man oh man are they dead.

I don't think you know what really hit you, yet. I do think somewhere in your brain you have had an epiphany that you never had what you thought you had, as a result, it was you grieving and in pain over something that was never real. When you realized just how incredibly messed up he is, it goes from saving the marriage and having trust to wow this guy is fucked up and the fuck up is the problem, not the marriage.

Well, you are right. It's one of those injuries you die over after you stop talking.

[This message edited by Kalliopeia at 11:26 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 11:27 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am almost 3 weeks out since my husbands "issues" went from a LTA and testing out a male to see if he was bi to a full blown sex addict since middle school. Men, prostitutes, massage parlors, you name it. We are not reconciling. He moved out. Wish I had better words of advice. Have you seen recovery nation?

Wow. I'm very sorry, I know that is very painful.

I had not seen Recovery Nation! I looked it up, thank you! I will pass along to WH.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may not be a narcissist, but if you were a man you might be labelled KISA. ("I will be your knight in shining armour, I will help you rescue you from yourself...")

I'm troubled by the audacity of it all. Prostitutes are bad enough. Prostitutes in your bed? Seriously?

Such a wanton violation of your private space, mine did something similar but we hadn't moved into the house yet and there was no furniture so they had to do it in the back yard.

All very animalistic.

You are going out of your way to deny him agency in all of this.

It has always been a huge secret, even from himself.

Like "oops, I did it again and I'm just going to slam the door to that compartment before it blows my head off"...

The thing is, they choose to do these things. And lie to you about it. For years.

That's the hardest part to choke down.

I don't know either of you, but if a friend were telling you all of this (setting aside the "but we get along so well in all other areas but this one") would you think he had the makings of a decent husband?

There are so many layers to this pain. You're in for a wild ride.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17550 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may not be a narcissist, but if you were a man you might be labelled KISA.

That is undoubtedly very true. I fully recognize those feelings in myself. Not sure what to do about them. What's the converse? Not wanting to help? Leaving? I really do realize I can't do this for him. I really am just waiting for a sign he can't do it himself to leave. I hope I'll never see that sign.

You are going out of your way to deny him agency in all of this.

Sorry, I realize I'm coming across that way: I felt the need to defend my position there, got carried away. He CHOSE it. I know that. I have been holding his nose in that. I feel like I got a long way towards processing that hurt and that's what I meant by "something happened on New Years" - all the hurt over those choices kind of dissipated. He needs to take responsibility, I can't do that for him.

I'm troubled by the audacity of it all. Prostitutes are bad enough. Prostitutes in your bed? Seriously?

Yup. Seriously. I'm also very troubled by that, as you said, audacity. Effed up doesn't cover it. That's pretty low on the list of things that bug me, though, as there are, well, a bazillion things that bother me, and hookers around these parts very, very commonly make house calls (there's almost no streewalking). They even walk up and down the halls of apartment complexes leaving advertisements stuffed under every door frame, so not a big shock on that one (we now no longer live in an apartment complex so that doesn't happen anymore).

I don't know either of you, but if a friend were telling you all of this (setting aside the "but we get along so well in all other areas but this one") would you think he had the makings of a decent husband?

Nope. I wouldn't. There's more about WH that I love besides the fact that we read the same novels, I just can't be arsed to sit here and rhapsodize about him right now - that would just be too pathetic. Like I said, me sticking around now has transcended (descended past?) all logic, and I am operating on a faint splash of wild faith in miraculous recoveries.

I recognize how ridiculous that is. Maybe I'm just ridiculous.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 11:52 PM, January 6th (Monday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes when we sit back and get some distance, it's a WTF? kind of moment.

I get that when I meet someone new and try to explain just a wee bit of why I'm not married anymore and see the shock on their faces. And that's just the 'lite' version.

You don't need to decide anything right now. You are in shock and deserve some time to just sit with all the information.

It's up to him to step up and make it right.

And that could take years.

The only thing you need to figure out is how many years you're willing to spend waiting for the other shoe to drop.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17550 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 11:52 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing you need to figure out is how many years you're willing to spend waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So true. OH man. What I wouldn't give for a crystal ball.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, January 6th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you know what really hit you, yet. I do think somewhere in your brain you have had an epiphany that you never had what you thought you had, as a result, it was you grieving and in pain over something that was never real. When you realized just how incredibly messed up he is, it goes from saving the marriage and having trust to wow this guy is fucked up and the fuck up is the problem, not the marriage.

Yes, you called it. That really articulates it.

Well, you are right. It's one of those injuries you die over after you stop talking.

Also a distinct possibility. Time will tell.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 164 | Registered: Sep 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, what you're describing here is not healthy love. It's codependency and enabling. Neither of those things are healthy love.

I went through what you're going through. Thinking I could love him back. Thinking I could show him the way. Thinking I could help. I could inspire. I would walk with him every step of the way. Sickness and in health and all that good stuff. I certainly didn't think badly of myself.

The thoughts you are having, all these altruistic ideals, all this sacrifice, they are going to destroy you. Destroy.You.

You think I don't know. I've never met you, never met your husband, I don't know you. I don't understand. Only I do. I totally do. I do because I've been where you are now and I had the same thoughts. I tried the things you're talking about. Difference is, I had no one to warn me, no one to give me a virtual shake by the shoulders and tell me I was on a path that was going to lead directly to the lowest pit of Hell. I had no one to show me what my life would be like in 20 years, that I would become a shell of a person, a living ghost. I had no idea of the broken, empty person I would become, nor had I any concept of the fear that grips a mother's soul when she sees her husband acting out sexually with the baby they have created.

Oh, I wouldn't have believed them anyway. I had the full force of the reconciliation-at-all-costs team bearing down on me. I had to reconcile, it's what a good wife does. I had to help him, that's what a good Christian does. It's a loving spouse's job to sacrifice themselves to help. '

ONLY IT'S NOT.

But I wouldn't have believed. I was so certain I could help. So absolutely certain.

ONLY I COULDN'T.

And I fully believed my husband wanted me to help. I believed because he cried so hard. No one who was insincere would cry like that, right? He wouldn't invoke his dead mother's grave or our children's lives if he wasn't sincere, right?

ONLY IT WASN'T REAL.

You're not going to believe me or listen to me. And I don't think you're going to follow the advice here given by the others. I wouldn't have. I don't think you will, either. You haven't hit your rock bottom yet. It's not bad enough for you.

BUT ONE DAY IT WILL BE.

Hopefully, though, the mere fact that you've done some reading here, that you've engaged in dialog here, hopefully that will mean you'll be ready to save yourself in a much shorter time frame than me. Hopefully you won't have had children with this pervert. If you believe nothing else I say, please believe me when I say there is no Hell quite like having children with a sexual deviant. And when you divorce, you still can't protect your children from him.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9827 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
iwillNOT
♀ Member
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 2:01 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Nature_Girl, Thessalian, and all the rest of us walking wounded)))

You are all brave, wonderful, and amazing. I don't have the words to adequately express it, so the virtual hug will have to suffice.

T/j done


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey, sorry, I was so exhausted last night, long day with my kids, I'm just now responding to the no porn thing.

The thing is, I know you don't think your H is SA, but at least you realize he has compulsive sexual behavior.

The reason for no porn, is because it FUELS compulsive sexual behavior. It get's their thoughts going. It fuels the rush, the high that they are seeking. The images play into fantasies. The images compel them to need/want more. And thus, the unhealthy cycle begins again.

For my husband, porn is OFF the table. For my husband MASTURBATION is off the table, unless it's part of a mutual sex act between us. No solo masturbation.

For the same reasons above.

My husband, is SA. He would use porn daily. He would compulsively masturbate 3-4 times a day. At home, at work, in his car, etc. If he saw someone at work who turned him on, he'd start fantasizing and would get very agitated until he could get the release of an orgasm.

Porn and masturbation cause the compulsive thoughts to continue. That has to stop.

It also takes away from the intimacy between US. It desensitizes him. It took away the emotional bond between us, because I was just another vessel to him to use.

I agree with NatureGirl, you're very co-dependant. Please get Co-Dependent No More, and the other books I suggested. Your eyes will be opened quite a bit.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the most telling thing is going to be if he does this again after it's been outed. He's seen the pain it caused, he knows the risks, he's acknowledged the problem. If he does it again now, it speaks to a whole host of sociopathic and sexual problems with which I cannot help and I cannot deal.

Actually, if he is an addict it will probably happen again.
Just as is the case when an alcoholic drinks again, it isn't about his love or lack of love for his family friends, loved ones.
An addict is an addict is an addict. His choice to repeat (in all likelihood he will) the offenses or not is NOT a gauge of his love and concern for you or anyone else.

It is, though, an indicator of his lack of love for himself.

I completely understand your reluctance to be labeled codependent. It is hard to understand just what it means for each of us personally. I have chosen to say "I have codependent tendencies..."
Rationalizing but it seems to help me accept it better.
Please at least explore what these lovely women are saying. We have all been exactly where you are. Verbatim, we have spoken the words you are. The bargaining, "little voice in his ear," feeling we just need to be more supportive, knowing how strong we are and unable to see codependency can go hand in hand with that.
Oh yes, BTDT.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
Topic Posts: 83
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.