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User Topic: Well, there was more. Breaking point: am I in shock?
FaithFool
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Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They even walk up and down the halls of apartment complexes leaving advertisements stuffed under every door frame

This is sick, but not really that much different from what's available on any handheld device.

We live in a sick world.

Please don't have unprotected sex with this man -- hysterical bonding often happens at this point in time.

Listen to Nature Girl. You have time to get out, get help for what's wrong with you that you would accept this in a mate, and move on.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 8:25 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17323 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((hugs)))) You have gotten some GREAT advice on this thread. There are many other people on this site that have gone thru what you are dealing with.

There is a great thread in the I can Relate forum for spouses of sex addicts. I think you may find some useful reading there.

My WS is a SA. He told me he had it under control, he cried, he swore in the name of God and his father, he told me about his abusive childhood, but he could not stop, and he remains in denial that he actually has a problem (yes, he admitted to me he had a problem but he said he was fixing it.) I left him after 3 months of him manipulating me and the people on SI helping me to understand that was what he was doing. I realized it was making me sick because I was living my life worried and stressed over what he was doing, could I trust him, snooping, worrying about if he was truly in recovery or not....and I did not want to live that way. Do you have any COSA meetings in your area? I think they could be immensely helpful for you. If not, even an al-anon or something similar could help.

Porn is bad because it starts that slippery slope. For a SA, they can't stop at just one. They need more and more and then harder and different. Just like any addict that builds a tolerance, a SA will build a tolerance for the type of sex they are used to and then they need something different to get the same fix. SA will have sex with the same gender but it does not mean they are bisexual. It just means they have advanced in their addiction to the point of needing something different. Also, male SAs will have sex with other male SAs because males are usually more willing to try riskier things and they are always looking for something new.

In order for your WS to truly heal, he is going to have to rewire his brain. When he sees a billboard or a magazine with a female, his brain goes to different places. Normal brains can think "hey, attractive" and then move on. The brain of a SA will think "Hey, sex, naked, this position, that position, need it now!" and they can obsess over this.

A regular IC can actually do more harm than good. They may not completely understand the brain of a SA. If your IC thinks porn is harmless for your WS, your IC is not going to work for him.

If you do not have access to a CSAT, then some of the other suggestions would be your best bet (they would be helpful regardless, and in conjunction with a CSAT also). The books that have been posted on this thread and Recovery Nation are all good resources for the SA and their families.

I think you are in a combination of shock and denial. I also think you are strong and have realized that you will be able to handle whatever you have to deal with here. I think you will make the decision that is right for you, but you do NOT have to make it immediately. Many times we say to give it three months to see what happens and where you two are at and to allow the shock to wear off.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15193 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For 4 years i thought the porn was an outlet to keep him from cheating. But in all actually it helped to form the frame of mind that cheating was ok, that it was NORMAL. Porn was normal, right? And cheating is all over the porn... So cheating must be normal. Pay attention the message that porn sends. It's more than moving pictures of people fucking, it's that fucking is not serious business, and you can do it with anyone. Without consequence. I'm not even getting started in the body image issues porn creates and exacerbates for both genders. Porn is destructive, period. It's not playboys stuck between the mattresses any more. You can get it anywhere, anytime. All day everyday. You hear a message long enough, you start to believe it... Even if it's blatant lies, that go against everything you believe. That's marketing.

And this may be TMI, but you can help with the fantasy of being fucked my men (at least trannies...) It's called Pegging. Look it up. THIS was the one issue that had us stuck for all this time. He never thought i'd be into it... But really... It's pretty WOW. (I'm a bit of a freak, though, it may not be for everyone...)

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 8:41 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am under the impression that codependents do not have much faith in themselves. That's not me
.

That's not me either. I'm very much as you described yourself, however, I still identify strongly as being codependent and have to work on it.

One simple reason is because I confused love with pity. Plus I was very much a KISA. Looking back over my life that got me nothing but trouble.

What you currently think/describe about love is unhealthy.

You are getting good advice here, listen to members like NatureGirl and Samantha Baker who have BTDT. Codependent No More is a great book. So are books by Patrtick and Stephanie Carnes.

Take care of yourself Thessalian.

[This message edited by DixieD at 8:57 AM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWIW, I was VERY codependent, but also VERY strong too. That doesn't have much to do with each other. I was a fixer. I had to fix everything.

The book, goes into great detail how codependency and how it manifests as being that "fixer" and can't abandon them because I'm the only one who can help!


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
WhatsRight
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Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 9:25 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This will probably be a magnet for 2x4s, but I feel a need to say that being codependant is part of marriage.

Maybe not the extreme nature of the label. But if we were not depending on each other - why are we married?

I have not experienced all of what you have. My WH got online inappropriately (to what extent I do not know and probably never will), looked at lots of porn, and was with a prostitute once (so the story goes).

My husband is a broken, weak man - OR - a lying, cheating, son of a bitch. (Please excuse my language)!

I honestly don't know which is true. He lied to me a couple of days ago about something stuped and not related to infidelity - so I am in a bad place right now.

But I totally understand the feeling of not wanting to "cut and run". (By saying that, I am certainly not saying that it is a wrong thing to do.)

I am staying with my husband (for the time being) because of kids, his disability, the comfort of actually having a place to live, (I am in my 60s) because he is not (to the best of my knowledge) still cheating / betraying me. And - also - because he is my husband, and if there is a possibility of my supporting him contributing to a change in him - I feel it is my place to do that.

Marriage, by definition (in my humble opinion), includes codependancy.

But there is another side. I was in this place before. My exhusband was obviously in a bad place, and I would almost characterize him "mental". He would beg me to come home - then send divorce papers. He would cry that I was assisting male disabled clients, then chew me out for something bogus. I stayed for a long time because I didn't want to abandon him. Then, I found out he was shacking up with my former best friend, and they have been happily (I'm guessing) married ever sense.

But I was fine with that, because without that failed marriage, I would have never met the jewel of a husband I have now (sarcasm) who has withdrawn from me, betrayed me, and cheated on me.

Anyway, I can see your impetus (sp?) to continue with your WH within your own perameters. I'm so happy to hear that you have those perameters. Just as long as you realize that your best hopes may not be realized.

The best of luck to you and your intuition about your place in this whole situation.

Huge HUGS to you!


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
Nature_Girl
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Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thing is, WhatsRight, that your situation and the OP's situation are vastly different. Apples & oranges. Your age, your lifetime together, the magnitude & scope of betrayal, all are completely dissimilar.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9515 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WhatsRight, "codependancy" is not the same as depending on one another. Not in the least. And, the marriages you have described sound very unhealthy and abusive.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"codependancy" is not the same as depending on one another. Not in the least
In a good, healthy relationship, both partners should be able to depend on one another for trust, love, honesty, and dependability. That is important. Codependent does not mean depending on one another. A codependent spends their life trying to fix other people so they can avoid their own issues. They take care of another to the detriment of their own self. They get so involved in helping others that they do not take care of themselves.

That is not a good thing. That is like being a martyr. Martyrs are not fun people to be around. There is enough suffering in this world without creating some for yourself.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15193 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
too trusting BW
♀ Member
Member # 15459
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The therapist who facilitated our spouses of sex addicts group therapy once clarified codependent tendencies very well.

Part of the reason it is such a confusing label for many of us is because all of feelings and approaches we want to take began with healthy loving principles.

We forget that we need to love our self most and first. Once we put someone else above our own healthy self love, it becomes codependent behavior. We lose that boundary between caring about and caring for.

If our idea of "helping" or supporting disregards putting our self healthily first that's a sure sign we are slipping into codependent territory.


Me 39
SA-FWH 44
11yrs M
In R-maybe
3 DC from Marriage #1
1 DS together
at least 4 d-days

Posts: 1303 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Kansas
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of the reason it is such a confusing label for many of us is because all of feelings and approaches we want to take began with healthy loving principles.

We forget that we need to love our self most and first. Once we put someone else above our own healthy self love, it becomes codependent behavior. We lose that boundary between caring about and caring for.

If our idea of "helping" or supporting disregards putting our self healthily first that's a sure sign we are slipping into codependent territory.

DING DING DING!!!

This is exactly it. Exactly. And it's how someone like me, a good person who did not hate herself, ended up hospitalized and a shadow of her former self. I had noble intentions. I had good qualities of altruism, love, dedication, delay of self-gratification. But I took it too far. I thought I was doing the right thing for the right reasons. I was deluded, though.

And of course my husband was quite content to take advantage of my helping tendencies. They served him well and kept me in the marriage. My good qualities became my shackles, the chains he could yank whenever he wanted to make sure that his "beard", me, didn't get too far away. He had to have me (and later the kids) in order to present the right public fašade. My good qualities became my destruction. I own that part of what went wrong in my marriage. I martyred myself. That's on me.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9515 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 11:45 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very interesting and helpful responses.

However, we will have to agree to disagree about the importance of putting one's self before others.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
NaiveAgain
♀ Member
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not obligated to offer to "see him through" this.
Oh my god. Yes. This is my biggest problem right now. I keep repeating this to myself over and over. I have been lucky enough to be redeemed in my life. I want to give that gift to WH, because it's such a rare and lovely one. I know he has to want it, but the thought of crushing his only chance at real redemption is very painful to me. I know I need to look after my own needs, and I am. But I do think about this a lot.
I know you love him and want him to get better. You don't have to leave right now. But DO protect yourself, if you have any sexual contact, make sure you use protection (you cannot believe anything he says at this point, he has to earn back that trust and that takes months, maybe years, not a few weeks!)

And don't get so caught up in trying to help him, redeem him, or save him, that you neglect yourself. That is always a danger when you are with an addict or someone who is very ill. It is not selfish to take care of your own needs first. You have to put on your own oxygen mask before you can start helping others put theirs on, because if you pass out, who will be left to help?

Make sure you eat, rest, exercise, take good care of yourself. You cannot give something away that you do not have, and when dealing with someone else's issues, you can deplete yourself very quickly and not even notice it until you are totally burnt out or depressed or ill yourself. Then you are no help to anyone.


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15193 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Too trusting, very good, yes.

In addition, let's not forget that the codependent and the NPD go together like peas and carrots. And if you weren't Co D at first, they'll make you one. That is why the Co D must learn to recognize that; because it can be the coping mechanism by which you are manipulated by a personality disordered other.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6359 | Registered: Jan 2011
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are we denying the power of another person to influence us for good (and evil)? The power of another to give us just the small bit of a leg up we need to fix ourselves? Surely not? No man is an island.

True. But when we are asked to sacrifice ourselves for that other person, and few of us should, we have to draw the line in the sand.

It's been said before, here and in other threads: Sex addicts are master manipulators. Like other addicts they may or may not be even aware of what they are doing. The quest for their next fix is what drives them and to hell with the rest of the universe. They get their burst of endorphin from porn, elicit sex, scanning a crowd of women, flirting, a Victoria's Secret commercial-they'll find it. If you get in the way of their fix, they'll attack. They are charming, great at deception, and can sell sand to a Bedouin.

All reasons you need to learn to detach and get a IC that can support you. And while we can give you long distant advice, and admire the person you are, the strength and character you display, many of us have been in your shoes, fighting the same battle with varied results. The common answer is, TAKE CARE OF YOU. He has to do this on his own. You cannot be the fixer, and you have every right to walk away at any time. If you do, he may or may not get sober. It's not on your shoulders.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3446 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

admire the person you are, the strength and character you display

Trouble is, IMO, the strength & character being displayed are the very things that are keeping the OP trapped in this dysfunctional mindset & dangerous marriage. People are admiring & applauding the very things that are destroying her. That the OP has a strong character is good, but it's being focused on the wrong person. She needs to focus only on herself.

None of us has the right to force change on another adult. Not even if the force used is in the guise of helping and "for his own good".

Patience & forbearance are not virtues if you're the frog sitting in the kettle over the fire.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9515 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature Girl, I don't disagree, and I don't want to t/j, but just as the addict has to come to recovery on his own, Thelessian has to find her own way in this matter. Knowing what I know, knowing what you know, we would look back on our lives and run for the hills at the beginning. I've stayed and am gradually finding happiness again, you divorced and are doing the same. HER life is hers to decide.

Sex addicts CAN and DO change. Not without intensive therapy and long years of work. No one is painting a picture that is rosy.

Thelessian, you hint at a background that suggests you have overcome your own demons. Don't feel that it OBLIGATES you to help your WS.

I HATE the term codependency. I still fight the label from time to time. But, I am the poster child for it. And I am strong, self confident and independent.

Codependency isn't always easy to recognize in ourselves and isn't always easy to distinguish from the healthy partnership that should exist in marriage. Addicts, or even those with "just" unhealthy compulsions, aren't capable of that kind of partnership...


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3446 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 8:34 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks so much, everyone. This thread has impacted me and I am deeply concerned.

I bought "Codependent No More" and plowed through about 1/3 of it (still reading) yesterday, and you were all right, I was shocked: I have displayed many of those behaviors - I try to fix everything, give unwanted advice (can't seem to stop doing that even though I know it's not a good idea), assume he can't do this without me, etc. But I am a "fixer" and I always have to make a plan for everything. WH teases me about this.

Speaking of plans, the main issue I'm facing right now is just time: There hasn't been enough time to establish a pattern for anything, either his SA or my response to this situation or whatever. I haven't known the whole story long enough to get a mental handle on what I'm dealing with.

If I saw him repeat behavior now, I would instantly know what I was looking at. Even one relapse at this point and I'd know I was dealing with SA and I could make a decision in terms of how to proceed.

SamanthaBaker: The thing is, I know you don't think your H is SA, but at least you realize he has compulsive sexual behavior.

...

My husband, is SA. He would use porn daily. He would compulsively masturbate 3-4 times a day. At home, at work, in his car, etc. If he saw someone at work who turned him on, he'd start fantasizing and would get very agitated until he could get the release of an orgasm.

This doesn't sound like WH at all. I just genuinely don't have enough data to label WH anything. So far, the evidence points to compulsive sexual behavior. If I see evidence of SA, it's SA. I am trying to approach this question with a researcher's mind: what's the data say?

NaiveAgain: My WS is a SA. He told me he had it under control, he cried, he swore in the name of God and his father, he told me about his abusive childhood, but he could not stop.

First of all, thank you.

In terms of SA, I believe you, I don't believe WH when he swears to anyone or anything, and I completely agree that if WH is SA, he won't be able to stop, no matter what. I believe that addiction is a problem that involves a long, long, long road to recovery and I am not sticking around to solve it with him. I TOTALLY get that. I know what it's like to try to get an addict to stop doing something, I don't wanna deal with that, PERIOD. Period, period, period. But WS doesn't say he's "got it under control", we're not even at that phase yet where he needs to swear that kind of stuff, because this is not a repetitive process in terms of him promising me he'll stop and then not stopping.

WS has never tried to stop. There have been no relapses, no anything to go on in terms of repetition now that this is out on the table. I feel like a scientist doing a study with no data to draw on. There just isn't enough information for me. Almost, not quite. I need one more piece of data: is this an unmanageable addiction-esque problem, or did WH allow his repressed sexuality to let him become the world's biggest a-hole?

too trusting BW: Actually, if he is an addict it will probably happen again... An addict is an addict is an addict. His choice to repeat (in all likelihood he will) the offenses or not is NOT a gauge of his love and concern for you or anyone else.

Yup. Agreed. I do completely get this. Which is why if he is, I'm out.

SA will have sex with the same gender but it does not mean they are bisexual.

He's been bisexual since adolescence.

Do you have any COSA meetings in your area? I think they could be immensely helpful for you. If not, even an al-anon or something similar could help.

No meetings nearby, but some online meetings. Frankly, though, I don't think it will come to that. If he's genuinely SA, there's no hope, because one relapse, I'm out of here. I don't care how long it is between this one and the next one, or if he's "improved so much" or any of that nonsense.

Martyrs are not fun people to be around.

But when we are asked to sacrifice ourselves for that other person, and few of us should, we have to draw the line in the sand.

Once we put someone else above our own healthy self love, it becomes codependent behavior. We lose that boundary between caring about and caring for.

Same issue: I need a bit more time.

If I repeat codependent behavior for several months to a year, I will have a baseline by which to identify an unhealthy pattern in myself, but how can I course-correct? I haven't even made a full lap around the track yet.

I wasn't codependent pre-DDay in this relationship (I think? Haven't examined that enough), because there didn't seem to be any real problems (that I knew about, obviously) and I was happily doing my own thing - my life did not revolve around his issues, I didn't think there were any issues for it to revolve around.

The first three months after DDday were just depression, tears, devastation, and an overwhelming desperation for him to HURRY UP AND FIX IT (hurry up and be honest, hurry up and put us back together!) Well, that didn't happen, obviously. Then the last month I definitely started showing codependency as the book defines it, without a doubt.

Am I displaying codependent behaviors? Yes (who knew?)! But that has so far lasted about a month and I've also very recently made a decision to let him sort his own shit out. In the book, the author talks about healthy detachment. I hope THAT'S what happened on New Year's. That I suddenly realized this isn't on me, I can't control it, I'm not going to run his life, make all his plans, check his accounts obsessively, set his boundaries for him, or "teach him" how to live with honesty and truth. Not on me. Not my problem. It has made me vastly happier.

What I want to do is stand back and just see what happens. Pick up the pieces of my life, do my job, see what he does. He has all the tools, he knows how to do the right thing, the question is just weather or not he'll do it. His actions in the next few months will answer that question. Maybe it's impossible. It just hasn't been long enough for me to establish a pattern of this, and so it's hard to separate codependency issues from healing-after-DDay issues, you know?

Nature_Girl, thank you so much for your point of view: I hear you, and I am deeply considering what you, and others, have said. I'm so, so sorry for your pain. Hugs to you. Someday your children will thank you for how hard you fought for them, and may your ex sit on a railroad spike.

FaithFool: Hysterical bonding happened after the first month, he killed that dead in its tracks with another round of TT. We do have sex, however. I have not found myself turned off by him, I do not dislike him.

steadfast1973: For 4 years I thought the porn was an outlet to keep him from cheating.

This is giving me a lot to think about. Thank you. What about things like "Make Love, Not Porn"? It's a "real sex and intimacy on video" porn movement. Or "Beautiful Agony", a porn project revolving around showing real people's faces only during orgasm. The camera just shows the face - it's more erotica than porn, I guess, but it does fall under "erotic videos". Opinions on that?

It's called Pegging.

An interesting alternative proposition. That has been discussed before. Into the idea - I have very few sexual hangups and am open to trying most things at least once to see if I like it. Have no feelings either way, really, but maybe he'd be into it. But will wait until we're actually in R for that kind of stuff, if we ever make it there. I don't want to get much further into sexual exploration with him right now, we're not at that place.


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 163 | Registered: Sep 2013
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Holy. Crap.

http://www.recoverynation.com/partners/partners_workshop_036.php

THANK YOU for posting the Recovery Nation stuff. I have never read anything that so deeply described what's going on with WH. Oh man.

WOW. My eyes are open.

And this:

http://www.recoverynation.com/partners/partners_workshop_007.php

Particularly:

In a nutshell, you shouldn't play even the slightest role in managing their recovery. The only exception to this, would be if they seem to be in danger, or in danger of harming someone else...at which case you might need to take the responsibility for getting the proper resources to your partner. But that is it. Everything else should be managed through them or their main source of support (e.g. counselor, pastor, etc.). Why? For one, even the simplest of behaviors....like setting up therapy appointments, are skills that he/she will need to develop anyway. And if they are unwilling to make their recovery enough of a priority to take the responsibility to pick up a phone, or to read a requested book...well, they certainly will not have the motivation to take the steps that need to be taken in order to change these patterns for good. Your inclusion in such behavior, while certainly done with the best of intentions, often perpetuates the very dependence and emotional immaturity where addiction flourishes.

There is one other reason for not taking even the smallest role in managing your partner's recovery, and that is because once you have...you are then invested in taking responsibility for the success of that recovery. And for every bit of responsibility you take, it is less responsibility that your partner has to take. Addicts have the uncanny ability of manipulating/taking advantage of others to avoid responsibility.

Recovery, just like addiction, is their responsibility. Your responsibility is to never forget that.

My hands are off this process, from now on, whether we stay together or not. Hands. Are. Off. I am fixing my own shit, and my own life.

Thank you, everyone.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 10:47 PM, January 7th (Tuesday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 163 | Registered: Sep 2013
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 10:52 PM, January 7th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you. I remember sending my x the link to that site and his response was to be offended, followed by lots of eye rolling.

That was the beginning of the end for me.

Big hugs. You have a lot of work to do.


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

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